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Post by gracebyfaith on Sept 20, 2007 10:22:26 GMT -5
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!
I'm taking the leap and starting a journal here.
It's odd for me to "put it out there", so to speak, for anyone to read and reply to.
I can't guarantee that this will be a journal that it would be beneficial for anyone, let alone everyone to read.
I have a real "people pleasing" thing to overcome, but to journal here, I'll have to be honest here. As honest as I'm capable of being, which will most likely include anger and pain.
I guess that's my disclaimer. I'm early on in this process.
My H has told me his P use was precipitated by "bad days at work". My H is currently facing a bad day at work. Therefore, I'm not having the greatest day at work.
Lord, I believe my H wants to recover - help my unbelief!!!
OK, my journaling has begun.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 20, 2007 10:24:15 GMT -5
Congrats on your new journal!  Jinn |
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Post by gracebyfaith on Sept 20, 2007 10:55:41 GMT -5
thank you, Jinn ;D
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Post by amandac on Sept 20, 2007 11:23:27 GMT -5
I am glad you are journaling. I have found it very healing for me personally. I know that I would not write out a pen/paper journal, but for some reason it is easier for me here. I also feel like I am able to talk to my Husband through my journal without him trying to defend himself AND I feel like I'm telling an imaginary best friend (as my husband was my best friend). It's also helpful to me because I dont' really have many friends.
I'm glad you are hear and I find your name refreshing and your attitude inspiring.
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Post by heyyoutoo on Sept 20, 2007 17:51:04 GMT -5
will u pls be my accountabililty partner
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Post by gracebyfaith on Sept 21, 2007 7:27:52 GMT -5
H having another tough day at work - who knew that when I asked him to identify his triggers to me, so I could better understand his addiction, that I would have this emotional fallout from it? It's almost funny, in a sad way. If H was having a bad day prior to d-day, I would sympathize and move on...now it's a flippin' tragedy waiting to happen! I'll probably be in mild fits all day, wanting to RACE home from work (neglecting banking and all that needs to be done) to protect him from P'ing.
OK, I'm not gonna do that. I have work to do too, a life to live. Besides, he's not going to ACTUALLY P, he'll be white knuckling sobriety, b/c of Covenant Eyes - One of the reasons I sometimes wish we didn't have it, and I'd installed covert monitoring software instead. Or maybe he'll pray, and all will be well?! Can I be willing to believe in him for today? Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!!!! If I come home and he's sleeping, I'll believe it's a white knuckle day.
I've realized that I need for my H to find permanent, peaceful, lasting freedom from this - his just not using, even if he NEVER uses again, isn't enough. I can't live with a white-knucklin' addict. I can BARELY live with knowing that my H has to *work* at not wanting women other than me! Time will tell, I guess. Or will it? Who knows what goes on in someone else's head? Ah, shoot - I'm just rambling a bit, I don't even know how I feel today - it's too early to know...
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 21, 2007 14:52:41 GMT -5
Oh dear, I remember VIVIDLY the feeling that I needed to leave work asnd babysit my husband. How are you feeling now??? (Hugs) |
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Post by amandac on Sept 21, 2007 16:49:01 GMT -5
This has also been my issue this last week. We haven't even talked about (except in reading each other's posts) his triggers, but I was devestated to read what he had to say. In some ways, knowing his triggers has hurt me more than discovering his PA.
I know it is tough - but you are not alone!!
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Post by gracebyfaith on Sept 26, 2007 13:23:44 GMT -5
Not a pleasant journal entry here...pretty much all rant...
I'm sick and tired of hearing about addictions, sick and tired of seeing P everywhere I turn, sick of analyzing myself, my H, the world - sick of reading here. Tired of "I slipped" threads, world weary at "new here" threads ... hate that I'm drawn here anyway. I'm fed up with celebrities and their celebrity nudity, I'm sick of magazines, forwarded dirty joke emails, men's deodorant commericals, Hanes commericals, body lotion commercials, on and on and on. I hate MSN, Yahoo pages, banner ads, my own web-based email. I hate seeing dudes with Hooters and "drunk girls are good" t-shirts on.
I hate seeing Covenant Eyes on my computer, hate when I'm emailed an accountability report, despite the fact that they are clean. I don't want to go to counseling tomorrow. I don't want to call my sponsor, I don't want to journal, I don't know if I should ask H how HIS session went or not. I don't know if I should or shouldn't be having sex with my husband. I hate wondering if he wants to MB today, if he wants to P today - I even hate hating P, it's taking up all my mental energy.
I just want to be "normal" again - I want the life that I had prior to discovery back.
I'm just really really really really tired of the after effects of this.
Maybe I can move on a bit now, I think I needed to get that out.
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Post by whoami on Sept 26, 2007 15:46:36 GMT -5
Gracebyfaith, I hear you, my friend. What situation, and all it wakes up in us, could be more sickening and tiring?!? It gets so old, even when it's new...I can relate so much.
I'm glad you ranted, and keep ranting when ya need to. Or, do feel free to take breaks from the board if they would help. As for myself, I always found reasons to come back but try to detatch when the subject matter here gets to be too much. (As it seems to be right now for you).
Sometimes I struggle with trying to come up with any substantial words at all, to anyone at all about anything, and I wonder if that's how you might be feeling right not too. (But sometimes I can let'er rip, too...feels so feast or famine!)
Alas, I am sorry but I don't know how we can get our lives back prior to discovery. (I know it sucks and is not fair). I can say tho, that life can be good again, maybe even better! but never, never the same.
And it might not help today to say This Too Shall Pass....but truly, it will. We don't have to stay in blahsville for ever and always.
Pamper yourself, that's an order! (k?) Please buy yourself something nice, read something non triggering and unrelated to SA...if you can get "into" a movie, get something uplifting, maybe even a favorite you've seen time and again but never tire of...take a long indulgent bath or walk or whatever you're happiest doing.
Make some time for you to nurture Gracebyfaith...just for you! Just make it healthy (ice cream and cookies are healthy!)
It is hard to dwell on this so much. I'm mightily wishing you some healthy escape and distraction, just for the times it takes to help build you back up. The same problems will be there waiting, but with less of the "sick and tired," may you feel stronger and more renewed to face them.
{{{{{{{GracebyFaith}}}}}}}
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Post by gracebyfaith on Sept 27, 2007 10:22:43 GMT -5
Thank you for your replies, and for visiting my journal amandac and Whoami.
The ranting does help sometimes - I just have to get it OUT, fortunately I'm not using my H as my "I hate P" sounding board anymore...usually.
Are brownies healthy? (because I managed to scarf down two last night, which was just fantastic - the first one kind of split into two along it's horizontal axis, so THAT was a pleasant surprise - kind of like THREE brownies in two!!)
As silly as that sounds, I really did get a measure of joy out of my brownie separating neatly like that, no joke. So it sounds like last night sure was better than yesterDAY.
Wow, I'm maybe a little crazy, but I'll take the joy where I can find it. God is good.
Hope you ladies are well today!
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 28, 2007 8:03:20 GMT -5
Great rant, gracebyfaith. I hope it helped. I've been thinking about you this morning, and just wanted to drop by your journal and "catch up"/wave at you. How're things going today? J |
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Post by gracebyfaith on Oct 1, 2007 14:20:35 GMT -5
10/1/07 - I'm going to try to get some things down here, quickly, before I move too far away from when they happened, and forget everything I've been wanting to say.
But, it's been hard to write on NP lately, I really want to spend some time in the acct. circle, am feeling a little overwhelmed
I had a counseling appt. last Thursday - felt more like I was being given some good "direction" in the session, as in solid action I can take, rather than floundering about trying to express how I feel - it's tough for me to switch gears when my mind is going off on it's own tangent, and a counselor/whoever comes out with a question in a completely different direction - sometimes I just can't answer those questions on the spot, get a bit "panicky" (for lack of a better word) and just lose coherent train of thought entirely. OK, that was a super long sentence.
Jan suggested the "getting 6 inches from H's face" (it was in a loving way, for anyone reading this...basically just being concrete) and telling him WHAT I NEED (which she says I have the right to do, as his W), as I tend to think out loud, and sometimes need to solidify my ramblings.
I had been upset that I had told H I really could use some "insight into his insights", would like same without having to ask for it, and heard nothing about his couns. appt. the night before (as I didn't ask)
Well, after my session, had a talk w/ H and it seems he's not going to be going back to counseling anymore. He's not MB or using P anymore, sees that the women he used in such a way are all God's children, and I do believe he's had a breakthrough in these areas. It also seems he'll not be returning to counseling with the counselors' blessing.
I believe he sees his P use VERY differently than he did, and has a much greater chance now of staying clean...BUT, if there ARE underlying issues that need to be worked on, it seems they won't be. He claims there aren't - who am I to say?!
I do not want a recovery drone H, and I thank the Lord that He (God) is faithful, b/c I believe only God will give any of us long term sobriety - but at the same time, I'm very scared of this happening in the future.
How can I believe ONLY God will provide lasting freedom, yet be apprehensive that H is "ONLY" relying on God? Doesn't make sense. I have to have faith in H's faith.
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 1, 2007 14:39:31 GMT -5
Hi Grace, Glad you started a journal. Your faith seems very strong - even with the nibbles of unbelief around the edges. it's tough for me to switch gears when my mind is going off on it's own tangent, and a counselor/whoever comes out with a question in a completely different direction - sometimes I just can't answer those questions on the spot, get a bit "panicky" (for lack of a better word) and just lose coherent train of thought entirely. That's pretty normal. Are you able to tell your counselor that you feel put on the spot when she does that? If so, maybe you two can come up with a way to help you transition from your thoughts to answering her questions. I've done some reading on gender communication and this is very common - even in marriages not affected by addiction. If we were with our girlfriends and they could see our body language and facial expressions - they know us and would know what questions to ask and possibly what was bugging us and we wouldn't have to ask for them to reply but they'd just naturally know and speak. But men seem to have some quirky idea that asking or volunterring information is invading the other person's space so would feel invasive if they spoke. I had to learn to not feel guilty, invisible or shamed if I had to ask. Now I often tell my husband when he's upset I don't know something he didn't tell me: "If you want me to know something, you have to tell me, I wasn't born with mind-reading capabilities." I'm also learning to say that to myself when I want/need information. Seems both him and the counselor are happy with that. Although he's not P/M anymore, do you feel he still has some recovery to relearn the interpersonal skills that were lost to his addiction (presuming he lost empathy, ability to communicate intimately, etc. like many PAs do). Unfortunately, the only way is for him to trial and error. If he starts struggling with temptations to return to his addiction - then hopefully he'll have the strength to state that and make a plan. I can certainly understand why that leaves you feeling insecure and helpless. Wow! That's an awesome statement! LookingUp |
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Post by whoami on Oct 1, 2007 18:32:16 GMT -5
Is that it then? There is no more work for him to do, he is just "cured?"
I may not be understanding this, so please bear with me? A breakthrough sounds great, but the way I'm understanding it, addicts have to be in recovery for the long haul. (And I don't mean "addicted to recovery" but still working at this enough to not forget who they are, and where they've been).
As I write this, I'm remembering this might be a matter of some controversy, so again, take me with a grain of salt? It's just that I myself take a great deal of comfort in the fact that my H still talks with his sponsor...and I trust the guy, we are going to go visit with him and his wife this weekend in fact. I take some comfort in the fact that he reads recovery lit daily. (It is true tho, that he could be doing these things and still acting out. Guess I'm just realizing that I put a lot of stock in these few things that look like recovery to me!)
You two are seeing (he saw) different counselors, right? If you are, I'm interested in what YOUR conselor will think about his "release", with blessings, back in to the world of dealing with this by himself (not meaning to imply you don't help, but I sure got told I was not enough to stop him.)
I'm sorry if I'm sounding too pessimistic. I just have concerns, like you do. I think God can help a lot thru other people who share his same struggles too, IMO.
Your last paragraph here today makes sense to me! I do trust God above all, to help my H be well. But I'm thankful for help thru others, too. (This may be a common theme in our Circle today!)
So keep journaling and sharing, as hard as it is sometimes, Grace. Don't be alone, k?
xoxo
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Jinn