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Post by spinners on Jun 11, 2007 10:59:06 GMT -5
This recovery journal idea is going to be important for me. There are a few reasons I am an addict, not the least of which is laziness. A devastating opening for the infection of instant gratification.
Please please please let me make myself look at this journal everyday. I need to be ever vigilant. Like some kind of readiness motto of a military organization: "Ever vigilant."
I need to be ever vigilant because over time this insidious addiction has evolved. I used to have to fight "the wave" as it has been called elsewhere on this forum. Nowadays I rarely face the wave and most often face an "unconciousness" that my addiction slides under the radar. I can be totally fine, no rampant feelings of lust, and this dratted thing just clicks on the button of opportunity and whammo, I'm lapsing.
I can't believe I am longing for the good old days of the wave. At least then I was "in the fight."
Unconsciousness comes from not thinking about the addiction.
I need to think about it everyday. If I think about it, then I am growing. If I am growing, I am recovering.
Ever vigilent.
See you tomorrow mister recovery journal.
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Post by spinners on Jun 12, 2007 14:29:08 GMT -5
Well, this is an inauspicious start. I didn't write in this journal first thing today as I oughta. So much for fighting laziness. I had to wait for the energy to amass.
It is hard to get motivated today, and it is because I am mildly depressed. I think I am sad because I miss "It." I am going thru withdrawal. Life just isn't as exciting without P. There is nothing to look forward to. No reward. I think this is a symptom that comes much later in addiction recovery. I have no illusions I am on some kind of fast track. I think this is just an anomaly. I'll get over it, and if I am lucky I will run into the anguish of "missing" P a few months from now at a more appropriate time.
I am a week+ sober, and unlike recent sober episodes, this one is concious. I am thinking about the addiction everyday, keeping it in the forefront of my mind. So with an active rather than passive episode of sobriety I think the withdrawal symptoms have to be there.
Life is good - nay great! - without P...it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Sigh.
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Post by spinners on Jun 13, 2007 9:36:06 GMT -5
Hello journal,
gotta keep telling myself that a bad day of withdrawal is better than a great day binging on P.
There are moments of clarity, when the sun breaks thru the clouds I can imagine myself without the label: I'm not XYZ and a P addict, I'm just XYZ. And it feels good. I love those little moments. I wallow in the fleeting moments, like a pig in mud, of those small times when I see the world without any reference to P or my addiction. And unlike wallowing in P, there is no hangover.
stay vigilant. If I am aware, then I am fighting. And that is a good thing.
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Post by spinners on Jun 13, 2007 9:50:51 GMT -5
I want to write a bit to this journal everyday because vigilence is so key. And vigilence is important because of the nasty turn the PA has taken with operating under my radar. It is also a good technique to remind myself everyday of how it is making me mean. I am not sure why, and I am overwhelmed by psychology and self analysis ATTM. I don't care why it is making me mean - perhaps some kind of subconcious self loathing or impatience with time wasted. But. It is making me mean to my loved ones. I have to have to have to have to remember this. It will help me fight it to keep this (expletive)ty consequence in mind. I know I will go home and be mean if I do it. Everyday. Remember. It. Makes. Me. Mean.
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Post by spinners on Jun 14, 2007 12:21:30 GMT -5
Ahhh. the craving is bad today. It is makingme cranky. There are mild triggers everywhere. Like magazine ads for beer to an alcoholic. It's not their fault. It's all perfectly reasonable. Just makes me think about... and crave about... aghhhh.
Remember, if you are fightin it and cranky about it, then it is going to be a good day....
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Post by spinners on Jun 14, 2007 12:38:36 GMT -5
When there is nothing special about the day or month, it is extremely hard to make today THE day that it all starts. "Oh yeah. Today, I start livin P free." I want fireworks and proclamations from the king. Make it auspicious. Why not give in and start another day? It is my addiction - that other personality hanging out in the mind - telling me how humdrum today is. That it isn't fit to start the 'grand' habit-kicking.
Plowing through the reeking boredom of the humdrum, P fighting days, is. Not. Fun.
I want to jazz up the day. Withdrawal sucks.
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Post by spinners on Jun 14, 2007 12:40:54 GMT -5
(Remember. If you give in, you will be mean and unlivable later on. )
(It is totally worth the fight, now, to not be an ogre later today.)
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Post by spinners on Jun 21, 2007 11:07:22 GMT -5
The bad news: I've not been good about writing in my journal. Been darn lazy actually.
the good news: Despite not writing in my journal, I have been vigilent. I've been thinking about my PA everyday. Not letting it slip into the background, where worries about PA are easily ignored and slips and relapses occur.
The great news: still P free.
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Post by spinners on Jun 21, 2007 11:28:10 GMT -5
So I have self analyzed one problem area that leads to my PA - laziness. It is time to branch out and ponder other roots of the PA. Do some self exploration.
One thing that is huge for me, (and I wonder how much of a factor in others), is the CHASE. Obviously, sex and lust is a major factor, BUT. .. away from the direct sex of P and MB, is the thoughts of pretty women, the thrill of the CHASE, the low, primal, lizard brain, top-o-the-spinal-cord desire to seek out a pretty girl, make myself attractive to her, and successfully score a 'liaison' is huge. To me. When I see sucha target and desire her, I immediately am faced with the fact that outside of Brad Pitt and James Bond, this is not really something with a satisfying resolution. That is natural. We all face this. But what is unnatural is the depth of loss, the sadness. And even more unnatural is then the ability to assuage that loss with P. Online P is a crack cocaine, so ready and available to me. I can look at a live human being and easily dismiss her, because I can go "pretend" to have triumphant CHASE and resolution with online P. I can easily deceive myself that I have successfully had sex with a beautiful - the most beautiful, most desirable - woman (women). the chemicals gush thru my brain, the primal knob at the base of the brain is ecstatic, triumphantly satisfied, and a nasty, circular addiction is fed...making me more and more addicted.
This week I have been concsiously, actively, facing down this lust for women I can't have. Will never have. I've been making myself OKAY, with this thought. Not allowing it to be a LOSS.
I am not interested in replacement therapy. Oh I can't have women or P, so I'll take up gardening. Bah! It is about realizing that this is a part of life. Accepting circumstances. I am reminded of eastern philosphy that goes something like - pain is derived from desire; if we stop desiring (material things or other things including lust), then we stop pain.
It is wonderfully freeing to actively stop desiring. I don't claim to be anywhere near good at it. But preliminary results are wonderful. I am not wasting time ruing, anguishing, over not being able to score with a beautiful woman. Not wasting time or life.
If I can address laziness, and the need to chase everyday I can slowly conquer this damnable addiction.
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Post by spinners on Jun 21, 2007 14:12:56 GMT -5
One thing about this current period of sobriety is that I have been sober before. And I have been over confident. Only to be crushed by relapse.
Is there any advantage to that realization now? I am sober, but I am painfully aware that there has to be a slip. Is that self defeating? Or is it an acknowledgement of truth that makes your fight stronger?
Previous periods of sobrieyt were just lucky. I wasn't having the paralyzing urges. Nothing to fight, then no fighting. I wasn't really working at being P free, and thus not thinking about it. It was an unaware, casual, free period that was ripe for falling off the wagon.
If there is one thing I've learned, it is that even when the fight is going well, you have to THINK about it, be aware of it. Self analyze 24/7. But if you are thinking about the fight you are soberly realizing that it is just a matter of time before a slip up. And you have to be realizing that slips do happen. It is very strange and scary to be contemplating the fact that I will fall again. I hope that being aware of this helps. It at least keeps me from dismissing PA as easily overcome. I don't want to be self defeating, but I don't want to be casual. Overconfident.
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Post by spinners on Jun 22, 2007 13:49:45 GMT -5
Howdy journal. thank goodness you're here. It's a lazy, boring friday afternoon. mild urges pinging at my addict core. nothing too difficult to fight off, but that is my current problem - the unvigilant unconcious slipping into slip up. it's not the WAVE, its the boring, try-to-fill-time of a friday, end of a good week.
see a pretty skirt [shudder], see a log legged girl [shudder], look up at the sky. i like apples and trees and cooking and race cars....anything but those thoughts.
if i fight it off its a full three weeks.
if i fight it off i wont be a mean (expletive) later - - - and that is currently the best medicine. all medicines become victim to immunity after time, but for now...i dont wanna be mean, and that realization helps me
fight
this
crummy
addiction
!!!
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Post by spinners on Jun 22, 2007 14:22:27 GMT -5
it is impressive when i come here that I have to go to page two to find this journal. Lots of good people here, fighting PA, writin in their journals. Workin it. Workin the fight.
Working their steps.
Workin against a mighty engine, pumping out P and working to make money off of us with it.
Workin agin the terrible chemistry that has converted the coke of P mags to the crystal meth of online porn.
Workin and fightin.
It feels good to fight and even better to win a battle or so.
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Post by spinners on Jun 28, 2007 11:28:09 GMT -5
hello journal. checking in. not thinking about P.
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Post by spinners on Jun 29, 2007 11:44:23 GMT -5
I am an addict.
My addiction is talking sweetly to me.
It is the end of a busy week.
It would be so nice to view some P. Feed the craving.
It is difficult remembering the reasons to fight.
That is the subtle power of the addiction.
It is very good at making the fight seem trivial and not worth my time and attention.
"P is bad? Really? Why again is that? Don't you want to give in? Who are you hurting? It would be so nice. Soooo nice."
Them Greeks and their siren mythology - genius. I wanna break up my P-free-streak on the rocks of the sirens.
This is why the journal exists. When my addiction hides the logic of why I am fighting, I come here.
At least I don't have to remember why I fight only remember that I have a good reason that makes sense when I am sober and clear headed. Trust in my other self. The clear headed one. He'll be back to remind me why. Until then, dont do it because you decided not to do it. Trust that earlier decision.
I am going to be bored today. Restless and lazy and wanting a fix.
arghhhhhhh.
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Post by spinners on Jul 2, 2007 12:06:53 GMT -5
Warning. I will be using trigger words here.
Zoiks! Here it comes. Sneaking up on me. Out of nowhere I am suddenly faced with a very powerful urge to look up porn. Start googling bikini. Start slow, and move up (down) from there. Drat it all. The sheer physicallity of this addiction...I feel like I've been punched. I am amazed I had the wherewithall to bring up the support board instead of google. I really really don't want to be wasting my time here on the board. I want to start searching for porn. That chemical rush to the brain.
I remember thinking earlier today (when there was no craving) how good it felt to be strong. To view myself as a fighter rather than an addict. I'm gonna go for a walk and try to convince my self to take comfort in being a fighter not an addict.
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