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Post by spinners on Aug 31, 2007 13:40:07 GMT -5
I have nothing to say. I need to check in with my journal. I'ts all about staying vigilant. Which I can't say I am doing a great job of. too easy at the moment....no urges. no fighting it. But a surprise trigger is always around the corner, and I never know when I will be in the desparate throes of pre-occupying, wanting to engage the ritual and make the internet searches. Just say no to crack.
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Post by geoff12 on Sept 3, 2007 10:58:24 GMT -5
Hope you had / are having a nice long weekend spinners. Your right that a surprise trigger is always around the corner. Thats usually the way that I get taken out of the game, when something hits me out of nowhere and then bang Im back filling myself with sewerage like it is the best thing in the world. If we arent going forwards then we're going backwards man. Cheers my friend.
Geoff.
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Post by spinners on Sept 4, 2007 10:09:56 GMT -5
Hello journal, Well, for me, I have to worry about workplace opportunity. For whatever reason I have been able to severly reduce home opportunities for acting out. But this weekend I had an interesting experience. At one point I had opoportunity to act out. I couldv'e viewed porn, I thought about doing it, I wanted to do it. It sounded good to me. And Iwas thinking about porning, because I was bored, I had trivial tasks I should do but didn't want to do, I was all tv'd out, did I mention I was bored? A nice little fix would've been just the ticket. The fantasies were starting to make themselves known. And then... And then.. And then I thought about how I would feel after acting out - which is no cure-all (I've tried that before...despair schmespair, I don't care about despair, all I want is the feel good RIGHT NOW) - but this time I thought about the despair and guilt I would feel after acting out AND I thought about that despair coupled to the boredom that I was feeling and trying to assuage. ZING! That did it for me. The thought that the boredom and ennui I was feeling wasn't gonna be cured for long, and thinking about how bored I felt right now multiplied by feeling remorse at porning. Bam, It really worked. It really really did. And I got over the need to P. I'm not strong. Just lucky. And man am I lucky I thought of that boredom multiplied just then. Triggers are always around the corner. And porning is always around the corner. And remorse is always arond the next corner.
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Post by spinners on Sept 4, 2007 10:12:24 GMT -5
Hi Geoff, as always it's great to have a friend drop by. Come on in, prop up your feet, take a load off, have a brewski. Keep up the good fight, because you are DOING SO WELL! Right on Geoff.
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Post by geoff12 on Sept 4, 2007 11:44:30 GMT -5
hey, you know what spinners......hanging around a bbq with a cold beer in hand talking with good friends would pretty much be the ticket right now.
Well done on your weekend man. These small victories at what its all about as the way to have a porn free month is to have 4 porn free weeks, a poor free week = 7 porn free days and a porn free day = 24 porn free hours. Boredom is a killer for me as well so I know where you are coming from there. I do my best to keep myself occupied but its not always easy as Im sure you know.
Anyway, Im off out to night with some friends (to keep the boredom at bay) so better run. Stay clean this week man, Im right here with you.
Geoff.
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Post by spinners on Sept 5, 2007 10:43:52 GMT -5
Well, it is a new day. I don't have anything to say. But I have the board up and I am surfing threads, and staying clean. A day with the board up is a good day (there've been times when I defiantly to come to no-porn and those times...well, you know the rest).
I llike it Geoff. 24 to 7 to 4 and there you go. A P free month.
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Post by spinners on Sept 6, 2007 9:45:17 GMT -5
Ughh. My laziness not only makes me susceptible to porn addiction, but it is also getting in the way of work. I need to get s**t done today. Earn my paycheck. I'm not porning, but I ain't doin anything constructive either. Grrrr. Mad at myself.
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Post by spinners on Sept 7, 2007 13:24:37 GMT -5
Maybe getting mad helps. Yesterday I got on the track and actually made productive use out of myself. It is a good feeling. the positive of fighting P and the positive of being productive makes a subtle but very satisfying feeling. Good stuff.
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Post by geoff12 on Sept 9, 2007 11:46:32 GMT -5
Nice work spinners, good on you for getting stuck into your work. Porn sure can make as indifferent to doing anything constructive or productive for that matter. The RR book that people go on about is the Rational Recovery book. Sort of like the 12 steps program I think but from a more rational perspective. I havent read it myself but my man Arctic says its really good so its probably worth a look.
Hope your weekend was a good one mate.
Geoff.
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Post by arctic on Sept 9, 2007 12:01:04 GMT -5
The RR book that people go on about is the Rational Recovery book. Sort of like the 12 steps program I think but from a more rational perspective. More of a 1-step program really. Quit porn! End of story. Arctic
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Post by spinners on Sept 10, 2007 10:12:50 GMT -5
Ugh, not feeling productive today. It is all I can do to log in and say hello to the journal. Some times I just don't feel engaged. I'm not feeling any urges to act out, but I just have to take a new tactic with complacency. If the journal isn't up, and I get a trigger, and start having urges, then my best defense will be down and unavailable. I know me. I won't bring it up. I'll go straight to the porn. Today's grand accomplishment??? - just logging in. Whew.
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Post by spinners on Sept 12, 2007 15:39:53 GMT -5
Okay, so I've been absent for a day. But for good reason...I've been working my *ss off. No porning. Not really thinking about it. Is every day without porning another day of weakened neural wiring in the PA part o me brain? lettuce hope so. there's always a trigger or urge or terrible acting out just around the corner. But I am hoping with time that those fade in strength. On these discussion boards the idea that you can ever NOT be an addict anymore is pretty suspect. I need to get to aplace where I don't have the addict urges, but also I can't ever feel like it is "safe" to use again. Porn's gotta go man.
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Post by spinners on Sept 17, 2007 13:27:08 GMT -5
boy, things are going well. too well. I am fightin the urges with ease, and I haven't porned in a long while. but as I think about it I get an honest2goodness queasy stab in the gut. The stab says, "Its only a matter of time." Well, at least the fear is there. I'm glad I fear this addiction. I'm glad thinking of the next slip, makes me shudder. Taking this addiction lightly is foolish. That queasy gut feeling is my reminder to be vigilant. Think about the addiction everyday. Ponder my psychology everyday.
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Post by spinners on Sept 21, 2007 10:28:28 GMT -5
Hello journal. It has ben a while. Haven't been good about logging in. Journeling. It is important to stay vigilant. and speaking of vigilance... Ouch! Got triggered today. By a rather innocuous banner ad on a news website. Triggers come from the strangest sources, you know? So far I haven't acted out (yay). But the day is far from over. So far, the first instinct I had, was to come to the NP board and get some help. Yay on that first instinct. I feel weird at the moment. Muddy and indistinct. Glad I am here and fighting my addiction, but at the same time. Huh. At the same time. Wanting IT. Just a little taste. ughhh. feel all squishy in my gut. Just Want . to. Look. Lets go surf the recovering forum for some o dat old fashioned inspiration.....
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Post by spinners on Sept 27, 2007 9:16:30 GMT -5
It is not a good week. Surprised I am even here and posting. About the only use this will be is make my journal easier to find, than searching thru umpteen pages.
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