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Post by spinners on Jul 2, 2007 14:37:11 GMT -5
I have been really working on my addiction for the last month. I have not worked hard on it for over a year. Some times the fight seemed too easy. I have been expecting that at some point a particularly virulent urge will strike. I have to keep telling myself that if I fight it off, it will reshape that addictive corner of my brain - make it a little more receptive. Man I hope and pray that fighting the hard ones, makes them less potent - that it actually has an effect beyond the present. Wouldn't it make it easier to fight off an urge if we KNEW that fighting it off made the addiction less potent? But we (I) just don't know that for sure. I can only hope. I am really preoccupied with thoughts of P right now. Man o Man.
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Post by spinners on Jul 2, 2007 16:13:34 GMT -5
ell...my window of opportunity to act out with P is ending. I made it. I was able to fight my urge until I got to a place where I cannot actout. And...I don't feel great about it. That is the insidious thing about this addiction. I can't revel in the good fight. I only feel loss. I have no "reward" for the day. My addiction is telling me I didn't accomplish anything. It is the dull end of a day. A stale cup of coffee. this is a hard part of fighting PA, when one has no sense of relief, only a mild melancholia (sp?) at a cigarette butt of a day. Sure! none of us would be addicted if the brain flooded itself with feel good chemicals for RESISTING P. I'll have to find my "feel good" in intellectual analysis. See ya tomorrow, journal.
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Post by spinners on Jul 3, 2007 13:21:56 GMT -5
Man, it was all I could do to log in today. Acting out is not only P-ing and mb-ing, but oftentimes (for me) it is defiance. (expletive) the board, I'm not bringing it up. I'm mad and pouting and I'm gonna go view P. To hell with thoughts of loved ones or thoughts of getting caught by colleagues...those thoughts are nothing but impediments to sweet sweet porn. I'm mad as hell at these obstacles. I just want to do my thing.
I honestly don't know why or how I am able to log in and write to my journal, insteadof acting out. And I wish I knew, because if there is some special trick here I wanna know. For next time. When I need it. Need the mystery strength.
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Post by truthorlie on Jul 3, 2007 13:28:02 GMT -5
How do you sit with the compulsion and NOT act out? How do you sit with pain and suffering while caught inside an addiction? Research "Mindfulness".
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Post by spinners on Jul 3, 2007 13:29:38 GMT -5
Garrrr. I'm so mad. P is my hobby. It's what I do. Some people collect rocks or invent toys in their garage. Jerks! What the hell, man, lust is proto addiction. Second only to sugar. You don't need to go to no damn ghetto corner and buy no damn rock and smoke it. It's right here. A simple search term away. How come everybody ain't an addict? How can some nutbar sit there looking at his collection of geology specimens and be happy??? Why can't I?? What a hole there is when I don't look at P. There is no reward for the day. I know it is a (expletive)ed up concept - P being a reward - I've already figured that out intellectually. But that is no solace for the hole in my soul, wishing to fill it with sweet sweet porn. Grrrrrrrr. I Absolutely have to Take RELISH in the fight. Replace the satisfaction of lust and porn with a new satisfaction at fighting it. I HATE P ADDICTION. I WANT to collect rocks, view astronomy mags, work on hot rods...ANYTHING. How did I get here? Why isn't every human with sex receptors in the brain here? I feel better now. At least for five minutes. Gnash teeth.
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Post by ektenes on Jul 3, 2007 13:35:29 GMT -5
hey spinners, all I can say is that I feel where you're at at the moment. Im here posting but only just. Hanging out till my wife comes home.
Anyway hang in there.....rock collecting you say. Well if I thought it would help Id be outside digging.
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Post by spinners on Jul 3, 2007 13:42:03 GMT -5
ektenes, you are precisely why this board exists. You have no idea how helpful your words of support are. Thanks for making my day.
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Post by ektenes on Jul 4, 2007 2:19:37 GMT -5
just wanted to thank you for stopping by my journal spinners, it really helped me yesterday. Im feeling much better this morning, the sun is shining and its a brand new day. Im off to collect some rocks
Hope that you're feeling good today
Take care mate
Ektenes
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Post by spinners on Jul 5, 2007 13:27:34 GMT -5
I have been disparaging, lately, of the idea of "replacing" PA with something wholesome. I guess I've been thinking to myself, that if it don't belong there in the first place, why should there be a hole? Why cut out a malignant tumor just to put in a benign one? While this thought isn't exactly wrong, I am finding the reality to be a bit more complex. In some sense I am having a good fight against PA by concentrating on addiction and getting rid of it. But I am also finding myself cranky enough...unhappy enough...with enough other syptoms, that I think I am too dismissive of the idea of other hobbies. Not to mention the bonifide chuckle I get from ektenes talking about rock collecting. I am faced with a hole and needing to fill it. I hope (against the obstacle of my laziness) to work at self improvement. Of both an artistic and a physical variety. There is definately a self esteem thing going on here with my PA, and rock collecting (chuckle) ain't gonna cut it. I'm gonna start working out the ol' muscles. Replace PA with something else that makes me feel good about myself, and doesn't have the incredible irony of also making me feel bad about myself (as in PA).
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Post by spinners on Jul 5, 2007 13:32:41 GMT -5
Today and tomorrow are gonna be boring. BORING. boring. An unfortunate heavy temptation antecedant for acting out ("acting out" a euphemism for P'ing and MB'ing). I have got to be diligent about logging into the board.
Right now, fighting PA is grumpy sort of daily drudge - just like getting out of bed and going to work. I don't wanna. But I gotta. ATTM, since I am able to do the work thing drudge I seem to be able to also do the PA fight drudge. Knock on wood. Helps that I am conciously thinking about my PA everyday. I just do it. I just think about myself and my PA, and it seems to be working. Random thought - is anyone else experiencing increased road rage? Is this a result of fighting an addiction? I have got to mellow out on the road!
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Post by spinners on Jul 5, 2007 13:42:27 GMT -5
more random thoughts: P makes me feel like a whole person. I'm not defending it, just saying that when you have a headache and take an aspirin, you don't NOT have a headache, you just feel like someone who doesn't have a headache. And when I act out, first I feel like a whole, studly person, then I feel like a whole person in the throes of despair and self recrimination. But. Right now. When I am really fighting this damn addiction, I feel[\i] like half a person. What an unexpected hill to face in this thing called the fight. I am walking in a half wakeful drudge. clownish sports coach voice "It's a rebuilding year." I am gonna have to add something to my life to make me feel whole.
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Post by spinners on Jul 5, 2007 13:46:29 GMT -5
yet more RTs: somewhere on this support board, someone said it is important to revisit your posts. Righto. It does help looking back at some of my recovery journal entries. Brilliant that this sub forum exists in the first place.
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Post by spinners on Jul 9, 2007 13:25:45 GMT -5
It's back to my place of opportunity. I am faced with a week of no supervisor, and a very easy door to close off the world. Enter the forsaken solitary world of the porn addict. Fleeting thoughts of "Man I could do the lovliest web search for porn right now..." But at the same time I thought of that, I thought of this place. I just went and posted a comment on somebody's journal, and it was soooooo, nice to be able to do that. A thousand thanks to the Wes person who made this website. Bless him.
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Post by ektenes on Jul 9, 2007 15:08:55 GMT -5
hey spinners, your post tonight helped me not look at porn. I had another bad weekend (or Sunday actually) and am feeling quite down at the moment. It just seems like such a big struggle and I cant see the end of the road. Anyway thanks again.....make sure you keep that door open :-)
A friend.
Ek.
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Post by spinners on Jul 11, 2007 10:05:40 GMT -5
Howdy journal. No wisdom to write today (or at least right now). Just checking in.
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