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Post by spinners on Nov 8, 2007 13:07:17 GMT -5
Okay, so where to begin in self analysis when I need to combat an urge NOW ? I am dumbfounded by how much I want to porn right now, and it isn't even a lust urge. At the moment it is entirely an avoid the moment urge. Avoid working. Avoid plodding along. that is the dumbfounding part. I so very much do NOT want to do the task ahead of me right now, that I am contemplating a porn session not out of a sexual desire but a desire to waste time and avoid life. Crazy. Absolute craziness. To have the strength of will to avoid porning is not enough. I addtitionally have to have the strength of will to do a task. To just freakin do. my. job. ---- well maybe journaling is useful. ranting at the entry box is a bit inspiring to get to work. ...lets go get something done.
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Post by spinners on Nov 19, 2007 12:34:58 GMT -5
day check
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Post by spinners on Nov 20, 2007 9:37:46 GMT -5
day check
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Post by spinners on Nov 26, 2007 10:05:39 GMT -5
Alright. A bad beginning to the T-giving holiday has inspired me to get back on the wagon and attempt my own 100 day P free goal. Of course the psycho-analyt-selfhelp gang would object to my use of the word attempt. Never say try always say DO! Which is correct but not one size fits all. Ah what the hell, I better straighten up. Okay okay. I WILL be P free fro the next 100 days. I am on day 4. I need to go until March 2nd
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Post by spinners on Nov 26, 2007 10:08:44 GMT -5
I want to identify one very important trigger for myself...boredom. I have somehow managed to not be okay with boredom anymore. I really need to not be treading water, doing nothing and thinking about my life, because it doesn't make me that happy. So that makes me actually afraid of boredom...it is no longer just boring, but sad too. Sad and boring. I hate boredom and I ALWAYS want to fill it with porn. Drat it. I need to be vigilant about oncoming boredom. I need to learn how to avoid boredom better, and I also need to learn how to be okay with boredom. Dont' get sad. yeah. that'll work ho ho.
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Post by spinners on Nov 30, 2007 10:47:37 GMT -5
righty-o. Seven days down in the 100 day challenge. Still Pfree. Important thing to remember is to stay vigilant, not only about porn, but about self analysis. When I think about what makes me tick, I get real progress. Fighting porn is simply a holistic process. There is no fighting porn...there is fighting porn AND being self aware AND thinking over my life AND working against laziness/procrastination AND being constructive AND working out AND eating right AND oh lots of stuff.
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Post by spinners on Dec 3, 2007 11:50:55 GMT -5
Porn porridge hot, porn porridge cold, nine days in the pot still porn free. When I get to the end of today it'll be 10. 1/10th of my journey.
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Post by spinners on Dec 4, 2007 14:45:13 GMT -5
Yikes. Yesterday was close. It was exactly what I have recently identified as my new bugaboo: boredom. I felt good throughout most of the day. I felt strong. I had been on the board. I had mentally prepared myself for boredom. Then I felt secure, logged off the board, surfed other sites. Wham. Triggered. I was on a safe news site of all things, but there was a particular image of a woman...and I started to think to myself, what would she look like if... Zing the trigger arrow lodged in my skull. Then I was fighting an urge. I unwillingly fantasized about the particular image I had conjured up. Getting more and more jazzed up about it. I am getting the shivers just writing this. I so badly wanted to do google searches for this particular mental image. And I knew I knew it wouldn't stop there. Once I found the image,thenit would be quick! On the trail! find something more tittilating! Search for similar but more prurient images. I didn't want to do work, I was bored bored bored and I could see nothing to alleviate the awful, loathsome burdensome boredom, except this sweet sweet image searching. And I was lazy. I thought about relogging into the board. But I couldn't be bothered. That was bad. I thought about pushing away from the computer and going for a walk. But again laziness. It was too cold outside. Too dreary. That was bad. And I wasn't even trying too hard to fight the urge. I was thinking about fighting. But not really fighting. Oddly the only ray of strength I had was my goal to go 100 days without porn. I was not fighting the lust like a warrior, I was just plain embarrassed to be throwing in the towel so quickly. Only 9 complete days and you're gonna quit?? That was like cold water on the face. It helped but it was tiny. I still didn't feel like making an all out fight. I wa sbored and I just wanted to give in. And I thought about my peculiar image. The lustful one I wanted to search on and the act out to. And I thought about not acting out to it, and I thought about giving up porn forever and never getting to see this wonderful, masterful image I had conjured in my brain, and I was struck with loss. That is the thing about addictions; any addiction; they are real and serious and they include things like grief and loss and resentment at not getting your FIX. Your richly deserved FIX. Anger and terror at having to face real life. What am I gonna do if I don't allow myself ever to see this mental fantasy in real life? How will life be meaningful? But I managed to out think the addiction just for one day. I didn't do to good fightin it, but I did manage to think about not acting out long enough that the time ran out on me. The buzzer buzzed. It was time to go home. As I walked home, away from the temptation, the demons, I thought about my mental fantasy and the profound loss of not getting to view it, and it was behind me. The loss was much diminished. I was among people and nature and earth and sky. Life was normal. the mental fantasy seemed trivial. It was no big deal to go the rest of my life not ever seeing it. It was okay. I was relieved but not disrespectful. I could be mean about thinking of a missing mental image with grief, but in the throes of addiction this is serious stuff.
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Post by spinners on Dec 6, 2007 13:42:13 GMT -5
the end of today is 14 days P free.
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Post by spinners on Dec 12, 2007 16:23:23 GMT -5
At the end of today, I will have gone 1/5th into my 100 day Pfree challenge. Oddly, staying away from the computer isn't so bad at the moment. It is the lusting after the live women I walk past that is killing me. This addiction has more twists and turns than an electric eel. Always changing. I really haven't had a lust focus before. I also need to go back and reread my journal one of these days. I've seen the advice from elders that this is important. I haven't done it in a long time. ciao journal
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Post by spinners on Dec 17, 2007 10:42:09 GMT -5
Come on day 25. One quarter of the way done. I will do this.
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