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Post by arctic on Sept 27, 2007 10:51:14 GMT -5
Hi Spinners,
You say it's not a good week. What's troubling you? Is it still the triggers and wanting to look at P? Maybe talking about it here would help.
Arctic
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Post by spinners on Oct 9, 2007 12:04:56 GMT -5
Okay journal, well. I had a rough end of September. Slips. Slips threatening to become a relapse. And the worse part was just a huge indifference. At one point, I was facing the urge to porn out, and I thought about fighting it, and the thing is...in the past I may or maynot have been successful fighting PA, but it was never dull. This time I found myself facing a a new animal - just a grand, couldnt-care-less attitude. The thought of PA, the thought of fighting PA, the thought of struggling against urges, was simply uninteresting to me. This disinterestedness has passed, but not due to any effort on my part. It is just gone the same way it came - a big mystery. I am back (for how long), working on my self analysis, working on my vigilance, and fighting PA.
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Post by spinners on Oct 9, 2007 12:10:45 GMT -5
So i've been gone from the board for a couple of weeks. Distance provides perspective. How sad to come to this place and see so many souls struggling with PA. And I am just one of thousands (millions?). Usually I celebrate that so many people are fighting. Guess I am just in a meloncholy (sp?) mood.
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Post by spinners on Oct 9, 2007 12:11:08 GMT -5
rewire the brain rewire the brain rewire the brain
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Post by geoff12 on Oct 15, 2007 4:15:34 GMT -5
yo....my man :-) How you doin? Ive been away a bit as well but am back now. Be nice to see you around again :-)
Your friend
Geoff.
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Post by spinners on Oct 15, 2007 13:12:19 GMT -5
One thing I need to work on is self analyzing work avoidance. Not that I know of much analyzing to do. I have work to do...I avoid it...I get bored and fretful at the same time (bored cause I'm not doing anything, fretful because I am worried about all the crap to do and how I am not doing any of it)...when I am bored and fretful I am susceptible to self medicating to make it feel better....my self medication of choice is porn...I act out, all while defiantly realizing am a) acting out b) not getting any work done and c) getting worse and feeding the addiction. I am a porn addict. I am addicted to porn. gawd, saying that aloud is not fun. I don't wanna be this person.
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Post by spinners on Oct 18, 2007 8:32:10 GMT -5
Hello journal. Same (expletive) different day. At least I am here. I sooooo, don't want to be 90 years old and still an addict. work at it, bro.
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Post by arctic on Oct 18, 2007 14:23:33 GMT -5
Hey mate,
I too have been going through crappy time recently and it's been very difficult to drag myself here. There's so much resistance inside to doing things that are actually good for you. Can you relate?
Anyways, how have you been Spinners? I'd love to hear. It's never too late to start re-inventing yourself today.
Arctic
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Post by spinners on Oct 22, 2007 12:44:12 GMT -5
Hey Arctic thanks for dropping by. what an unexpected treat. Hey journal, here I am. Nothing much to say.
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Post by geoff12 on Oct 22, 2007 12:48:39 GMT -5
hey man.....dont believe you have nothing much to say......come on, let us know whats going on on your side of the ditch.
Geoff
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Post by spinners on Oct 23, 2007 10:38:45 GMT -5
Hi Geoff, thanks for the encouragement. I have been able to go several days at a pop without porn, but then I slipup for a day for very lazy, uncommitted reasons. I just sort of shrug and do it. I am missing the time earlier this year when I was doing so well, and I wasn't doing porn because I was FIGHTING it. Not because I was just busy and my body was (thankfully) leaving me alon in thte urges department. The one thing I have been able to do is stay committed to not staring at women or ogling them. It really helps, and as I walk into work, I keep reminding myself to just get on with life and stop wasting it dreaming about some hot number I can never have anyway. Like Arctic admits, (and I am the same way) I really am susceptible to wishing I had liaisons with every female that walks by. If I can "get to a higher plane" where I don't desire the unobtainable then I can spend more time having a productive life.
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Post by spinners on Oct 25, 2007 10:00:45 GMT -5
checking in....make it a good day.
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Post by spinners on Oct 29, 2007 13:48:18 GMT -5
Well it is monday. Another round of avoiding work and geting bored and turning to thoughts of instant gratification. But I can see the tiger in the forest and that helps. So I will not porn today. I will fight it.
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Post by spinners on Oct 30, 2007 12:48:09 GMT -5
It's like the stock market. i just can't predict when I will get all swoony with urge. A lot of days the tiger sleeps. And then. When you least expect it. Bam, a certain visual will impinge upon the exact synapse in my brain and I will start to shiver and shake (figuratively) and I will want (WANT) the female form. It's like not being able to remember what I had for lunch, but a certain smell will pull up a 40 year old memory in exact detail. The smell pings the exact correct memory synapse and you can remember the number of toast pieces you had on your plate at that buffet 40 years ago. Here I am minding my own business, and the most mildly sensual vision willintrude and tap into all the addiction neurons and turn them on. Then a very carefree Tuesday turns into a fight against porning. At least I am here. For now. Trying not encourage my lust. Must remeber how happy I am during the days I don't actout and I enjoy my life.
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Post by spinners on Nov 8, 2007 10:27:49 GMT -5
Hello journal, plodding along. Glad you're here, but I don't wanna write. Nothing to say today, but keep on fightin. What a waste of time P is.
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