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Post by ektenes on Jul 11, 2007 15:43:22 GMT -5
hey spinners, hope you're well today.
Ek.
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Post by spinners on Jul 16, 2007 13:08:50 GMT -5
Ahhh, it is good to hear from ektenes. I hope is doing well. Well, I had a forced 4 day weekend, tho time off is never reallya bad thing. It is making my fight easy, because at this time my PA has been a curse at work. It has mostly left me alone at home - though that has hardly been always the case. So I should say, lately it has left me alone at home, and my fight is in the office. Therefore, time off = P free. Today I am back and it is time to bring up the support board, bring up my journal and checkin. Hello journal. I am fighting mild (emphasis on "mild") temptation today. One thing that helps keep me in check is to constantly remind myself of how mean I get to loved ones. I don't want to be that way. I am imagining it. Going home. Being mean. Getting in an endless loop, of despair leads to mean leads to escape leads to P binge leads to despair leads to being mean.... Using the same fantasizing ability that makes P so sweet, I am able to force myself to imagine the "mean" scenario. Poof * no more temptation. errrrr, sort of. The addiction monster is not defeated by anything. ANYTHING. But it does seem to be pretty impressed with this technique.
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Post by spinners on Jul 16, 2007 13:16:16 GMT -5
One technique that is helping me is a surprise. The technique is to stop ogling. I don't really have the same moralistic bias against ogling that a lot of the board does. I don't think ogling is some terrible evil, and reading about other board members who have cut out ogling has not convinced me to also cut out ogling. I started to use this technique (of NOT ogling) simply because I wanted relief from desire, and triggers. Many times I have been triggered by fantasizing about a woman walking by. I am duly impressed by how well this helps. It has been helping me A LOT - way more than I could've predicted - to force myself to quickly turn away and stop the "hunting gaze." Freedomfrom desire is freedom from pain. Many of the board are against ogling on moral and or religious grounds, but I hadn't really run into anybody being against it on self-help grounds. Lesson: give at least passing consideration to all the tools in the toolbox.
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Post by spinners on Jul 19, 2007 12:08:30 GMT -5
Ughh, Business has kept the cravings away. But today I am feeling something missing, and the addict in the attic is pinging the pipes. right now I am rational and it is easy to be strong and come here. Better to come here now, than to be lazy and not bring up the board. I am want to go look at P. Later on I can feel it in the old gut that I am going to really really want to go look at P. It is funny how the usual suspects raise their ugly heads: thoughts like, "Again, why is it wrong?" "Why am I trying to quit?" "Why would I deny myself something so wonderfully fun?" Ughhh. Been through this, already figured it out. Put head down, stare at feet, set one foot in front of the other, keep on keepin on, hike on past this craving, ughhhh, head down doggedly dog on thru, one foot in front of the other, keep on going, don't think about it, yaaaaaa....
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Post by spinners on Jul 19, 2007 15:25:21 GMT -5
I've really been surfing the board today, trying to keep the hunger at bay. I noticed something interesting when I looked at a post by the administrator: his signature line says "I never use porn or..." Hmmm, not view porn, but use porn. Kind of a good concept. I'm not viewing this like watching birds fly or something. I am using it. Using for what? Ahhhh that is a crunchy good question. To get away, feel better, salve my insecurities, boredoms, esteems. Whatever. This is good, to think about using porn. It is an action verb. Doing something to cause an affect. I don't want to be that person. That person who needs to cause an affect. Who needs to use. Who has a problem that needs to be numbed. And if I don't want to be that person, that makes me feel stronger. In the fight. To quit. Using.
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Post by spinners on Jul 20, 2007 14:24:31 GMT -5
hello journal. just checking in.
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Post by spinners on Jul 20, 2007 15:35:51 GMT -5
Oh man. I am totally triggered. [trigger]I saw a online ad involving a woman in skirt jumping. Fresh red skirt, jaunty red shoes, tanned toned legs. I am aching to see what;s underneath. I am getting overwhelmed with thoughts in my head of the search terms I could use. [/trigger]
I went looking for the report the voice thread but I can't find it. I will just post here. I need a figurative bullet to bite for the next half hour, then I am away from the computer. Man o man I haven't had the crazy creativity surge in a long time. My addict is just throwing one awesome search term idea after another.
Rats, I wish I had found the urgent care thread. It'd be nice to hear a friendly board voice. But I am lucky...only another half hour. I can make it. I'm gonna be grumpy about it but I can make it.
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Post by ektenes on Jul 20, 2007 16:02:13 GMT -5
hey man, you doing ok? Hang in there. Ek.
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Post by spinners on Jul 20, 2007 16:09:40 GMT -5
Made it! got to the end of my half hour. I can go home now, where I have no opportunities to use P and the fight is quite differnt than it is here. My trigger can rage all it wants but it has nothing to do and will fizzle out. I am away from the computer and the closed door. Thanks for checkin on me Ektenes. I hope you have a good weekend, buddy. woohoo
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Post by geoff12 on Jul 25, 2007 2:20:02 GMT -5
hey spinners.....how are you going this week? Good I hope. Check in sometime and let me know what your up to :-)
Geoff (Ektenes)
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Post by spinners on Aug 6, 2007 9:51:44 GMT -5
And.....I'm back. I was on vacation, and apparently people care where I am (cool), so I feel bad not signing out. I made it two solid months, then had a slip recently. But it is just a slip and not a relapse. I am working my prgram. And feeling good. I didn't want to mention the slip...but what the heck is wrong with me?? If there is any place that deserves honesty - and provides support - then this is it. A lot of posts from elders on the board mention the absolute requirement of honesty. SOmething to work on. ALways. Well, It is good to fire up the board, and have this little concious sitting on my shoulder helping me through the day.
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Post by spinners on Aug 8, 2007 9:20:11 GMT -5
arrrrrgggg. I am messing up. need to get BACK on program. I am going to cut n paste some incentive in my next post from a an entry I made a long time ago on the atheist thread.
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Post by spinners on Aug 8, 2007 9:25:01 GMT -5
reposting from atheist thread... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= One thing that has helped me, a surprising amount (tho it is not 100% effective - nothing is) is to mentally review the physical ailments I know are coming after a P session: I know my back will ache from the unconcious, convoluted position my body takes as I stare into the computer screen. It will ache badly and for some time. I know my eyes will swim at the end, and I will have a dull ache and the world will look funny. My ocular muscles will take a while to relax. The world will have an unpleasant yellowish tinge because my eyes have been staring at the bluish CRT world for too long. I know my shoulder will absolutely throb from the painful position I have held it in as I relentlessly pursue image after image, my mind never completely satisfied with the images and thus I can't stop and relax the shoulder or arm. Holding it in a position it was never biologically designed to hold for hours. I don't know it literally and intimately, but I know it intellectually that I am probably courting long term eye damage from engaging in addictive sessions where I don't blink for an hour or more. I intellectually know that I maybe causing long term brain damage from the numbing effect of releasing too many chemicals at once - over too long a period. Chemicals like dopamine or seratonin that biology and evolution never meant to be poured out in such a frenzied fashion. There are some things I do for erotic reasons that I won't mention out of respect for possible triggering, but I know they will cause annoyingly little twinges or itches for a couple of days, that will bug the living poopoo out of me. There have been times when the monste is awakening and I have made myself recite these physical negatives and it has really put a damper on the lustful mood. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Post by spinners on Aug 8, 2007 9:28:00 GMT -5
Another interesting negative consequence is the next day mania of "make-up-ism" as in trying to make up for lost time, lost productivity. When I am not porning I "relaxedly" (is that a word?) approach each day's tasks, and have just a general positive attitude getting things done but not panicking. Now, after a fit of acting out I am "un-relaxedly" trying to do everything at once and GET....THINGS....DONE.
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Post by spinners on Aug 10, 2007 11:39:27 GMT -5
Hello journal. Checking in. Part of being vigilant. cheers.
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