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Post by spinners on Aug 14, 2007 14:58:02 GMT -5
Hello journal. Checking in. Part of being vigilant. cheers. what he said.
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Post by spinners on Aug 15, 2007 10:17:43 GMT -5
Holy cow! things is a getting offensive in this here town. One of the members, I'm not sure but think it is an SO, used a phrase that can be construed as calling PAs stupid. I gave reasonable reponse communicating that it was noted I had been called stoopid. The new moderator removed my comment. Therefore... On the general discussion board, it is now official: PAs can be called names but PAs cannot react. I feel healed already. No more P and MB for me. Just call me stupid, and I'sah cured.
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Post by spinners on Aug 15, 2007 10:23:30 GMT -5
This is a backhanded compliment masquerading as a lipsticked pig: "I don't believe PA's are all stupid. I believe that each PA has an intelligent person inside of them that is capable of learning new habits and ways of thinking." -Glofishy
Ten Keys to Breaking POrn Addiction can now be amended to 11 keys: Get called stupid, be disallowed to react, get porn free. Hallelujah.
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Post by spinners on Aug 21, 2007 10:29:24 GMT -5
hello journal. let's have good week. and stay concious. think about the addiction all the time.
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Post by spinners on Aug 24, 2007 13:43:11 GMT -5
Alright wise guy. I am openly. Purposely. Being. Defiant. Ignoring the board to the point of not even bringing it up. And acting out. Grrrrr. I had such a good streak of sobriety going too. giving in to the monkey. Now let's see...what was this journal about?....oh yeah, vigilance. gotta be vigilant everyday. Bring up the journal everyday. go over in my mind my psychology and weaknesses everyday. Do self analysis every day. It really worked before. Really.
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Post by spinners on Aug 27, 2007 13:36:35 GMT -5
hello monkey. Here I am thinking about vigilance. remember. For today just try and keep vigilance in the forefront of your mind.
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Post by spinners on Aug 28, 2007 13:47:14 GMT -5
Dear Journal. I am having a good day. I will not USE porn today. I will think about my addiction today. I will stay mindful of it and try to become a better person. I have been impatient with people lately, especially a loved one. I don't know why. But what is worse is I am aware of it while I am doing it, but I don't stop. What is up wit dat? It is like watching a car wreck in slo mo. I don't stop being impatient all the while knowing I am being an ass. May be trying to be a better human all the time will ooze into all aspects of my being...including the PA. But i have been really critical of parts of myself in the past, and resolved to work on those parts. Yet no change. Obviously, making a list of faults is not a solution to becoming a better person. Including making a list of faults and "resolving" to do better. I think just thinking about my faults is good at bringing me down and only that. Not at bringing me up. Fighting PA and becoming a better person is slow, steady, subtle, boring, no fireworks work. there is no hallelujah moments. No high on a life better lived. Just a gradual change of state. Being into different being.
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Post by geoff12 on Aug 28, 2007 14:35:41 GMT -5
I hear ya spinners....there's no magic pill to get rid of this problem, just plain old fashioned hard work as far as I can tell. I know what you are saying about being impatient with people as well even though we're aware of it. I get the everyone else is so stupid, why dont they get what Im telling them feeling every now and again which Im sure is related to watching porn somehow but dont ask me how. This thing sure does screw your head up in ways you never think it would and probably in ways we dont even know it has.
Stay mindful and alert mate, lets get ourselves out of this sewer we have managed to end up in.
Geoff
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Post by spinners on Aug 28, 2007 15:25:09 GMT -5
Hey Geoff. Thanks for the encouragement. Its great to have your input. -sp
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Post by spinners on Aug 29, 2007 13:38:21 GMT -5
The Evaporation of Profoundness: So I am often walking or driving and thinking about this doggone addiction. There is something freeing about just driving and thinking, and in my head I come up with these really interesting insights (to me at least). But when I face this journal, the amazing insights either shrink or I can't remember them. If I do remember them, on the cold hard page, they seem so small. Which really doesn't mean a whole lot, but it is also interesting to compare that to the idea that often we as addicts can be out and about and really ENJOYING a porn free life; enjoyingg trees or billboards or racy cars or movies; all sorts of things that have nothing to do with naked bodies in various degrees of exploitation. But when we are isolated and alone. In front of the computer screen. No loved ones, no responsibilities, no electric bills, no oil changes, no housecleaning. All of that profound enjoyment of of the porn-free life just evaporates.
Not that this observation really means anything.
It doesn't help me stay porn free.
But hey. What's a journal without some navel gazing entries?
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Post by rockwell on Aug 29, 2007 14:13:50 GMT -5
Spinners, hang in there. Just speed reading your journal now. Stay determined. Keep journaling. You are doing good! rockwell
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Post by spinners on Aug 29, 2007 15:38:06 GMT -5
weird. Here i am thinking thoughts of profoundness and my friend geoff 12 writes this in his journal today:
I am who I am. I cant do a single thing about who I was yesterday but I can work on today and for today, I am clean.
Profound indeed. Words for an addict to live by.
Heya rockwell. Thanks for stopping by! Stay vigilant!
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Post by spinners on Aug 29, 2007 15:40:08 GMT -5
I just may get addicted to having friends. wink. A hell of a load better than being addicted to porn.
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Post by spinners on Aug 29, 2007 15:55:56 GMT -5
to return to the subject of ogling... I am on record as saying that we are visual creatures and looking at attractive females brings normal pleasure to normal (i.e. non P-addict) men.
despite this opinion, I have been actively not ogling women because it has surprisingly been quite helpful in fighting my addiction.
today I took a walk across a campus full of young, wildly attractive, exceedingly scantily clad co-eds. The unconcious autopilot scanning system (developed over umpty many years of lusting after unobtainable beauties spied over chasms of distance, opportunity, shyness, low self esteem-ness) was trying to swivel my eyes from one target to the next. But my vigilant concious was actively working against this. I am trying, brother, I am trying. So you know what? When I stopped trying to spy out good lookin women, I started trying to look at everyday folk. And sheesh Sherlock...People are interesting. It was quite nice to watch an older professor on his bicycle. Wondering what his life was like, what experiences he's seen. I was a bloody relief to actively stare at the frumpy dowdy woman with a frown, and think to myself, "I bet she is the sweetest thing. I bet her house is full of attention to detail. Little things to charm the cynical soul. I bet she'd loan a stranger a cell phone in an emergency." In short when I actively try to watch people instead of scan for objects of unrequited lust I seem to have a double experience - one is the stop and smell the roses bit, but the other is the relief, the unexpected shedding of attachment. A freeing of my spiritual self. Because the thing is ...we can disparage lust, but inside lust is little bit of hopes and wishes. I wish I could be with her. I hope I can strike up a relationship with her. What a bunch of CRAP. And all of those hopes and wishes are attachments, little strings, binding me down, sapping my energy, sapping my time, wasting my life on wishes instead of real stuff.
It is ephemeral. It only comes in fleeting bits. But that feeling of being unattached, of unloading myself from the burden of hopes, well, Man! it is intoxicating. Relief. Sweet relief. Freedom.
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Post by spinners on Aug 30, 2007 13:52:17 GMT -5
Just checking in for the day. It has been an easy day, so no pats on the back. No urges. Lots of ogling opportunity, though, so gotta say a mantra to myself as I wade past the sights. A good day. see you tomorrow.
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