gregg70
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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 10, 2007 23:30:43 GMT -5
This is my first entry. Since my wife discovered my last viewing of P, I have not viewed or even wanted to view it. A few things that happened: first, my wife printed article after article off the internet about P addiction, its effects on me and equally important the effects of my P addiction on her. This really opened my eyes on how my addiction was effecting many parts of my life especially my family. The thought of losing my wife and family is not something I want to happen. I am working through the examination of my addiction especially to find the triggers to eliminate them. My wife has free range of my laptop at anytime and that itself is a huge deterrant since that was the source of my P viewing. I do not rent, buy movies or even rent them in the hotel room when traveling. I am mainly focusing on the triggers of loneliness, boredom, and lust. Loneliness is really the part of being alone not the feeling of being apart from everyone else. I have also found out that I tried to absorb myself in work at times and this is also a trigger and something that I am going to work on. That is enough for now. I will try to give updates a few times weekly.
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gregg70
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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 12, 2007 22:10:46 GMT -5
Post 2. I am still P free since August 24. Tommorrow will be 3 weeks. Right now it is going well. I am still re-searching P A and reading articles, etc. I am also dealing with some things from my past especially with my Father. Unfortunately he passed on 2 years this past Christmas but I still have to deal with it. I am going to write a letter to my Father. I am thinking about posting it here and would appreciate some feedback about it. While my Father never abused me sexually, mentally, or physically, he was not in home after my 11th birthday. I had many issues with it that I still have not fully resolved. From what I have read, it will be good for my recovery if I attempt a letter. I am not supposed to be accusatory or anything but I am supposed to share my true feelings. I am supposed to draft this letter and re-write it until I am satisfied with its contents making sure that I get it all off my chest while not placing any blame on my Father. Sounds difficult but I will get it done. I read a post about an expectant Father today. I completely agreed with his thinking. I too have been asking myself if I want my children to grow up to be like me. I do not want them to have all my bad habits and I want them to learn how to deal with their feelings and stresses in healthier ways than I have in the past. The only way I can do this is by modeling the behavior. I have to end the P A and live healthier physically and mentally. I have to be the ruler of my mind. I can only do it with God's help. I am nothing without him.
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Post by rockwell on Sept 13, 2007 9:44:10 GMT -5
Gregg,
I am glad you are here and at this place. You are here at the right time for you and you can and you WILL beat this with God's help and the support of men here.
I will watch out for your journaling and reply periodically. Keep journaling!
rockwell
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 15, 2007 18:54:06 GMT -5
Entry 3.
I posted a new thread wanting some feedback about how my wife had been acting this past week. Maybe I needed to be more descriptive about D-day and how supportive my wife has been since. But I just explained that my wife had been supportive the past few weeks but that this week she had grown cold. I was wanting to know if this was normal, and what to expect. Hey lets face it, I am new to this recovery stuff. I have been a PA for over 10 years and just now able to admit it. Anyway, an elder from this site cut into me good and basically said that I obvisoulsly did not ealize how lucky I was and that I needed to read up on how I made her feel because I had no clue.
That is very far from the truth. I do know how lucky I am that I hve my wife's support right now. I am lucky that she printed all those articles out for me to read or I would not be here in recovery now. It took that desperate act of love for me that she did to open my eyes. If I would have blew it off, she would be gone now. I really thought she was still going to leave for about a week. Then she was able to talk to me and has since been a great strength.
Another member who is a SO of a PA shared some ideas that I had suspected but needed to hear. My wife is going to have mood swings with this. I needed to hear that.
Maybe the Elder is trying to give the tough love and hope that some words will sink in. Maybe I will look back on that post months from now and agree more with it. I guess I was looking for more support about what is going on than a slap in the face. I am getting that enough right now.
It was not what I expected to get here. But, everyone here is entitled to their opinion and I have to take the good with the bad.
On a positive note, my wife and I were able to communicate better today. She still is not as open this week as she was the past few weeks but I am being patient. The good thing is that I have not viewed P and have had little urge to do so.
I hope to work on the letter to my father next week.
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elway
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Post by elway on Sept 16, 2007 17:49:54 GMT -5
Hi Gregg
Just read your journal + wanted to welcome you on board. I can certainly relate to what you say about triggers, especially boredom. Very tempting at such a point to go down the path of least resistance.
It might be useful to have a definite strategy to attack the triggers when they come calling? After a while, the process will become automatic. That way, you dont have to over-rely on willpower.
wishing you well,
elway
elway
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 16, 2007 23:14:37 GMT -5
Today was another rough day. In many ways, it felt like D-day all over again. Part of my recovery plan was to read more articles and have more accountability in my life. While researching, I found this site. I emailed the link to my wife to keep her posted on my progress again for built in accountability. She of course has read my posts and has been checking in periodically. That has not kept me from "hiding" thoughts or anything. I do my best to type what I feel without holding back for fear of what she might read. If I cannot be hoenst here then how can I ever be honest otherwise? My wife is now posting here also as many SOs do and I want to go on the record now saying that I think its a good thing for her and eventually for us. My wife has always been better at typing out her feelings in email or letters rather than us having face to face conversations. After we exchange a few, we are then able to talk about it face to face and finish working through things especially after they are de-fused. So, anyway she is posting. She is keeping a journal also. I am reading the journal which again brings us back to the D-day and the feelings are right there raw. I respect her feelings and understand that she is still as fragile today as she was almost 4 weeks ago. I realize that she and I will not be the same for quite some time. The most disturbing detail was something that happened 3 years ago. Long story short, she found out that an ex girlfriend and I had been emailing and there was talk about past sexual experiences. Of course the outcome was not good as I had betrayed her trust and marriage. Unfortunately, this coincided with a time that we were trying to get pregnant. After a few days, she wanted to have sex for purposes of trying to concieve. I oblidged and she cried during the whole event. I felt like dirt three times over. I knew it was hard for her. Today I read her account of this and she compared the event to a time when she was raped basically making me feel like the rapist. This label hurts very much. I might be way off base here in my thinking but I do see a big difference between adultry and P A and a rapist. A rapist sets out to to do harm. When I set down at the computer to view P my thoughts were not "I am going to view P and hurt my wife". That is not the way a P A thinks. Yes it was the end result. I hurt my wife and marriage but that is not what I set out to do when i viewed P. I know she has every right to express her feelings about what I have done. She has given me the never again ultimatium. If I view P again, she is gone for good. I can live with not viewing P again. I can beat this but I have to find out all the root meanings of the addiction and find all the triggers so that I can avoid them and become better than the addiction. Then I can be a better husband. My wife feels that triggers are excuses. She feels that feelings of emptyiness is an excuse. After reading and careful contemplation, I feel that the feeling of emptyiness that I have is the biggest reason I viewed P. The feeling has nothing to do with my wife or what she gives or does not give me. It has nothing to do with how much she loves me or how much she does not love me. She is not the cause of this and she will never be the cause of it. I think that it mainly deals with the non loving Father that I had when I was growing up. He left my mother when I was 11 and I did not get to see him but a few times a month. Even when he was with my mother, he did not come to little league games, football games, etc. He discouraged me from playing sports and wanted me to use my energies for academics. The problem was, I made honor rolls, went to academic banquets and the works and he was never there for them. He never said "good job". He did however put me down about my wieght, my choices in schools, etc. After I worked 2 part time jobs during the school year and 2 full time jobs in the summer to pay for my college, he had the gall to come up to me after graduation and say "well these 4 years are on me, if you go to school anymore you will have to pay for it". I wanted to knock his head off right there. I have always struggled with my wieght (another key to the emptiness feeling) and he was always on me about it. One time I lost 60 pounds. I looked better than I did at age 16. Did you know that my father never even commented on the weight loss. Never did he say "hey I have noticed that you have lost some weight" . That would have meant the world to me. My father died unexpectedly in 2005. I was never able to resolve any of my feelings. I am fairly successful in my work and in life. I am not rich but not poor. I am a manager of a location for our company but not a big shot by any means. On the outside you would think that I was confident but I am exactly the opposite. I need to hear that I am doing good at work or I either throw in the towel or become a work aholic to make it better. Its not healthy at all. The end result of my emptiness and feelings of low self esteem was the P. It lead to PA. While my wife is having to deal with it now, and she is hurting from it, she had nothing to do with it. I have to feel better about myself if I am going to make this work. I have to become a whole person again. I have to become a loving husband again and a loving Father again. My wife deserves this from me. She does not deserve what she married into. It is not her fault. It is my fault. I have let these feelings consume me and have allowed it to carve into my being. My wife and children deserve a Father that can appreciate himself enough that he can appreciate them for who and what they are. Sorry this was so long. I am exhausted now and am calling it a night.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 17, 2007 21:52:42 GMT -5
For my wife:
Please keep posting on here. I know it is the best way for you to let your feelings out. I know that this will eventually lead to us better communicating again. Yes it hurts me to read your posts but I know it is you expressing the hurt I have caused you.
I guess it hurts to learn these things about you in a public way instead of learning about it between the two of us.
SG
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 20, 2007 22:09:18 GMT -5
Today marks 4 weeks P free!!! I am excited and feel good about the milestone. Yes it is just 4 weeks but it is such a building block for me, a cornerstone if you will. My wife and I have communicated alot these past 4 weeks. Posting here has helped break down some of the communication barriers and has help the healing begin. It has A LOT to go to being back to where it should be. I have to be honest that my relationship with my wife may never return to normal limits again. I wonder if she will ever be able to trust me again? Will she always be wondering if I will view P again? Will she always live with that fear? My gut says yes. I pray no but I know the damage that I have done is etched in her mind and that memory may never go away. It will take along time and a life long effort by me to prove that I deserve her trust. My wife was sick this week and had to go into the hospital for some tests for about 6 hours. The result was a bladder infection and possible virus but the contributing factor was stress. I felt guilt and shame from hearing that as I know that I have brought on alot of stress on her with the discovery of my PA. My wife, like many other SOs, has taken the PA very personal and blames herself for my addiction. I am glad that I was able to be there for my wife and I know she appreciated it alot. I had sent her flowers the day before "just because you are wonderful". I know she loved them. I cant wait to be able to create more memories like that with her. To my wife: I love you! Thank you for everything you have done for me these last 4 weeks. I hope that I can continue to prove my worthiness of your trust and I hope that I can once again bring you all the happiness that you deserve.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 20, 2007 22:17:28 GMT -5
Congratulations on your 4 weeks of sobriety! That is an amazing feat and I can't wait to see how much better life get's for you. I am glad that you are bein honest with your wife and that you are telling her the truth. Will she trust you again? She's still with you so I can wager that she is wondering the same thing, with the same hope and ambition of YES. So long as you stay in recovery. The greatest thing is you and your wife share good communication now. communication will bring youj guys closer then before. I believe, that through recovery, if done properly (which seems like you're doing btw), you will botyh come to know each other in ways you never imagined. Congrats on 4 weeks, I'm Praying that God restores your marriage, strengthenes it beyond anything you imagined, and that your love for each other shocks those around you and people come up to you guys and say "wow you guys really love each other, how did you do it?" Amen
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 20, 2007 22:22:24 GMT -5
Thank you for the prayers and words of support.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 22, 2007 18:57:48 GMT -5
Post 6 This has been one of the best weeks not only in my recovery but in my marriage. My wife and I have seemed to have had a breakthrough with our communication. We have been PM each other alot lately giving comments to our posts and threads. At first, I was uncomfortable with it but now I think its great. We have never been good at talking face to face when its a stressful situation. It usually ends ugly and is followed by a day at least of non verbal communication. Through the emailing and PM, we are now talking face to face with more meaningful stuff. I am learning to control my emotions better. I still get frustrated but I am doing better at controlling the frustrations and not letting them become anger. I marked my first 4 weeks without P this week. This is the first (and will be only) time I have tried to beat my addiction. I am proud of the fact that I have not viewed P and I am surprised that I am doing it rather easy. I know my wife's support is a huge part in that and the built in accountability that goes with her checking my computer, emails, websites viewed, etc. I am pleased with my progress. I have not written the letter to my dad yet (previously discussed in earlier post) but I still intend to do so. With my wife and I working well together this week, I have spent most of my time and energies there and hey lets face it, that is where I need to be focusing, on my wife. I have alot of work and time to put in to re-gain her trust and all of her love. My wife has suggested that I find another accountability partner. The one I have is a friend from work who has struggled during his life with PA. She feels that it is not a good thing for 2 people who are struggling with the same things to be helping each other. I have mixed feelings about it, I will explain why but I will find another accountability partner because my wife needs that. My friend "D" we will call him, used to have an active P viewing life. He does not have that problem now and just fights the lust factor. He is not the typical PA in that he is disgusted if he looks at a woman and has any thoughts other than professional, etc. He is a realist when it comes to if you lust in your heart you have cheated on your wife. While many of us are struggling to not view P and struggle to not MB, he is distraught because he noticed a pretty lady and maybe stopped a second to look. D is not struggling with P or MB. I guess he is where many of us want to be. To be in the position where P and MB are no longer thoughts and are no longer impulses. He just has to keep a check on the lust and it is not a huge problem either. D is smart enough to know if he keeps the lust in check, the P and MB will never be a factor. D also knows he cannot do it alone and prays daily to the Lord for help. He also is very close to his wife and loves her dearly. While some here may be fighting the urge to watch X rated stuff, D wonders if the PG 13 movie is maybe unappropriate for him to watch. D clearly is on another level than many of us. I hope that my recovery will take me to the place where P and MB are never an impulse or a thought to me. I pray that my recovery will take me to the point where I too worry about watching an R rated movie or PG 13 movie and that be the extent of my worries. I already have no urge to view the X rated stuff and the R movies are few and far between and those are usually action movies and not skin flicks. I am going to concentrate on eliminating Lust from my life. I am getting better already. I have gotten better over the past few years anyway because of my religious beliefs but until my recovery, I still looked at P. I feel it will be a huge part of my lifetime free of P and will go a LONG way in me leading a healthier life. We were in a store last night and my wife wrote in her journal that she was noticing all the women in the store and wondered if I was looking and if there was any Lust. I thought about it and I did not even notice anyone in particular except for one lady that acted if she knew our son and then I remember 2 men at the cash register. I know there were several customers in the store, it was busy but I did not look or lust over anyone. It really was a non issue. I will close for now.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 24, 2007 21:52:20 GMT -5
This post is not necessarily about my recovery. I am discouraged by some of the posts that I have seen this week/month. This is a support group post and I want it to be that way for all. It is discouraging to see a few things. First, for those new members that are just getting their feet wet, I think its great that JohnG and others welcome them to the board and give those standard posts that direct them to the site, other sites, and give them an ounce of advice. I do not agree with being harsh and giving them tough love. I wonder how many of these new members we alienate when they arrive here, scared to death about what is going on in their minds. Scared of losing their jobs, families, and marriages. I wonder if we ever make them feel worse than when they stopped the P binge and stumbled unto this site. If we can remember what it was like when we first took that initial step of admitting our adiction, what would it have been like to have someone be harsh about our thoughts and emotions? I for one would have moved on if I would have came here and felt worse. Now there are alot of success stories out there. So clearly, alot of good stuff is going on here. My wife and I have spoke alot this week about the "rash" of long standing members that have slipped in the past weeks. We believe that my recovery needs to be free of slips. She has made it known that if I slip again, its over. I am to pack my bags. At first, I thought that was harsh but I agree with it now. I have to make the choice to have my wife and family or have P. Well its an easy decision for me. I know there are so many levels of this addiction and so many factors in everyone's lives to ever try to put a lable on anyone person's addiction here. I do however question some members reactions to their own slips. I know that it is sometimes hard to read into every person's mind through their posts here but I feel that sometimes the person that slips is like "oh well, I slipped. Let me change the ticker, make an announcement, and starting my recovery again". Here again, I recognize that everybody is different but I feel that there is not always the needed reflection by the member that slips. I feel that they do not pinpoint the cause of the slip. Now if it was a new person to recovery, I could understand if they had not discovered all the triggers, the causes, the urges. If they had not had time to develope strategies to avoid scenarios. If they had not yet developed the skills of working healthy with their emotions. I guess if someone has been in recovery for longer periods of time, my question is "why". Not necessarily why the slip but why are you just jumping back on and just treating it as normal or as something of little value to your recovery? I guess that is something I will have to learn more. I also wanted to speak about the levels here. Again I am newer to the site and thus I have 2 stars, and I am a junior member. I sometimes wonder if I will be here at this site to see me get the level of senior member or elder. I want to be able to come to this site at times but I hope that my recovery takes me to a point that I do not need to come here alot. (ok back to my point) I would hope that all members here would be open minded to everyone's ideas about how to beat parts of this addiction. There are some ways to go at this recovery that every person should use (accountability partners, etc) but there may be some new ideas out there. I hate to see some of the newer member's ideas get shot down by more senior members. Yes you may have tried their suggestion before and it did not work for you but it might for someone else. Remember, we all fell short once and some of us alot by the looks of things here so we all cant be experts. This is my journal entry and is not focused at anyone member. It is however how I feel and I felt I needed to get this out in the open. I did not intend to offend anyone here but if you were upset by this post, pause and reflect on why its setting you off. When this happens to me and I pause to think about it, I usually find that some part of it is true in me and that is why it upsets me so.
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Post by rockwell on Sept 25, 2007 8:55:13 GMT -5
HI Gregg,
This is a great start to your recovery. First of all your wife knows everything, and you are journaling. You KNOW that you can NEVER go back to the land of darkness. So it seems you have your feet firmly planted.
I agree with you about the cavalier attitude that many members have about "slipping" and re-setting their clocks. Everyone is different, YES. But anyone who is serious about recovery cannot treat this in such a non-chelant manner. I wrote about this in my recent journal.
We can all learn from each other, and newbies can have great insights as well. We can learn from those who have fallen if they are honest and journal about what caused this to happen. We learn from their mistakes and our own mistakes.
I also do not plan to be here forever. But I feel a sense of calling to stay here for a while and encourage others. Especially those that have shown that they are determined to overcome this addiction and are resolute in their convictions to change.
Best wishes to you.
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 26, 2007 20:10:33 GMT -5
I have not been completly honest in my journal and in some of the posts here. I have came clean with my addiction, my feelings and how I hurt my wife and family. I have been honest with the feeling about my father (still have to write a letter) but I have failed to share that through all of this these past few months, my wife is 7 months pregnant. Why did I not mention it? Is it proof that the P and even my recovery is all about me? I know the answer is yes to the P but I would disagree about my recovery being all about me. It is about me, my family, and most of all my relationship with my wife. I did not ignore that we are expecting our 2nd child. I have spoke about my daughter in some of the previous post and said that I did not want my children to grow up with a dad that was still active in P. I feel that that the root reason was my embarrassment that I was viewing P while my wife was pregnant. This is her time. Her time to be a glowing mom, her time to have the attention on her and I screwed it up by causing this unbelieveable amount of stress. She had to go to the hospital last week for a bladder infection, dehydration, and stress. She was given an IV, medicine, and discharged after about 6 hours. The baby was great but she was not. I felt incredible guilt and shame of something that I felt I had created due to my PA. I think this is the reason that I was not completly forthcoming on this site. I apoligize to my wife for not letting everyone in on our joy about the son we are expecting. I can not wait for Chase to be with us. I am very excited about our bundle of joy that is coming.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Sept 30, 2007 20:44:43 GMT -5
My wife was in the hospital again yesturday and today. She was having the same pains and throwing up again. The baby was ok and they have determined that it is not pregnancy related. They have given her antibotics to help clear a urinary tract infection. She is feeling much better today. My secretary at work had emergency surgery Friday night and will be out for the next week. We have payroll due Tomorrow and she informed me that she had not even began to enter any of it into the computer. I have month ending paperwork due myself so it will be a stressful week it seems. My supervisor's last day is Thursday and I have not began to interview anyone to replace her yet. I have however gotten 8 applicants and a few look good. Its safe to say that this will be an interesting week to see how I deal with this stress. In the past, this kind of stress has not been a trigger for me nor has it lead to me viewing P. What I do not know is how it has effected my relationship with my wife previously. It is something that until now, I did not think about. Not that I would not care but I never stopped to reflect on it during or shortly after a stressful time such as this. I will be asking my wife for help this week. Mostly emotional help but a hug now and then will go a long way too. I will be doing my best to post in this journal every night this week with honest reflection and feedback. I am confident that I will not view P this week but I am cautiously optimistic that I will not get too grumpy with the family this week. Another engagement that I hope to still make is a date with my wife tomorrow night. Monday is usally date night but with the workload tomorrow already in overload, it might be a scratch since I may not get home in time to have the date night and get everyone in bed at a decent time. I am happy to have my wife back home and I missed her lying next to me last night. It was easy to not view P and I did not have any urges to do so either. Gregg70
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