Gregg70's Journal

[gregg70]

I feel the need to openly apoligize to my wife. She discovered my P almost 2 months ago and was devistated by it. She wrote me an email describing that she and my daughter would be moving out as soon as she could put some money together. I was upset more than frightened or hurt. I was mad that she was upset over me looking at a few "pics". Of course I was in total denial about how serious thsi was I even told her "it was not like I was sleeping with them". That upset her even more. At this point, she did an unbelievable thing and a very selfless act that showed unconditional love but opened her up for more hurt. She printed out the articles that I ahve spoke about in past journal entries. She said "if you will read this, you will see that what you did was as bad as sleeping with them. You still cheated!" I was puzzled at first but began to read. My wife had printed out over 30 articles, almost 100 pages of stuff on P, how it effects men and women, marriages, children and families. There were letters from former P star actresses who really told the horrors of the whole industry. I began to weep several times that day. I read every article and wrote footnotes and longer reflections in a notebook. At that moment, I knew exactly what I had done and how horrible I had treated my wife. As I began recovery, I realized how selfish I had become. It was about me period end of story. I immediately began to change that.

My loving wife could se the genuine reaction I had and decided not to leave me. She had one simple rule. I had to choose between her and P. If I ever choose P again, she was gone.

This may seem harsh to many but I know it was not. It was a simple choice. I love my wife and family and I will not lose it for a cheap thrill.

We have began to rekindle our love for each other. I am more involved in the family and home duties. We comunicate more and we are in love with each other more than we ever have before.

I am continueing to recover. I will always be in recovery. For me, there are no slips allowed, but she is so worth it. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I am sorry for the way I lied by trying to hide it. I am sorry that I thought it was a minor thing.

I am so glad you loved me enough to stay and support me. Your support means so much to me. Your strength has made me want to make you proud, to want to please you. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are so intelligent. You are a wonderful wife and a wonderful friend. You are a wonderful mother. I thank God every night that he brought you into my life.

Thank you so much AmandaC

I love you,

Gregg70

[rockwell]

Gregg,

Wow. I am sure that was painful typing that letter to your Dad. But you were right in doing it. I needs to hear those things. You are completely justified in your feelings. A father is supposed to build up his son, not tear him down. It is good that you realise that there is a disconnect between you and your son now. But it is not too late to bridge that gap. Since you are aware of it, and hate how your relationship with your own Dad was non existant, you can create a brand new relationship with your own son. And you can work on it and make it the opposite of what you experienced growing up. All with God's help.

In writing this letter, I believe you will experience an openess and healing that you never felt before. There is hope here.

I also just read the letter to your wife. And again I say WOW. That letter had an impact and is a turning point for you, no doubt. Just think of how things could have turned out if you had not realised what pain you caused by looking at those pics.

I hope you do not mind, but I copied and pasted your letter to another man here in recovery who is going through a hard time and is on the verge of relapse. The words were powerful and I think it may help him turn in the right direction, once he reads your letter.

Also I am glad to hear about your trip and even though you may not feel you were being "tested" so to speak, you still did the right thing.

We need more Greggs on this board. We need more men who are sold out to living a pure life, open an honest with their wives. Keep journaling, Gregg. Stay in recovery and keep your focus. God bless you and your family.

rock

[charles515]

I just read some of your posts in your journal and I want to say without knowing you, I feel that you will prevail. I'm not just saying that to boost your confidence, I really believe it. It seems that you really do not want P in your life and you want to be the best you can.

I think what is relevant is that you are not focusing on P, but the core issues of who you are as a person. I have always believed the issue is not P but who we are or we what we have become. P is just a source. If we have our life in order, everything will be all right.

I wish you the best for the future of you and your family.

[amandac]

Hi Honey. I won't post here very often as I think this is a place for you to express yourself and it is not Our Journal. Perhaps one day, we can start our own journal together - but for now, I want you to keep your own.

I did want you to know that I am very proud of the man you have become (and are becoming). Our relationship has never really been bad - but many bad things have happened to us. You know that I usually hold on to the bad things and never let them go. However, after discovering your P (which was a bad thing) - and all of the issues that came with it - our relationship has become much better than it was! I think I can almost say that your P use was a blessing in disguise. I am very pleased with your dedication to God, me, and our growing family. I want you to know that I am healing I want you to know that I am proud to call you my husband and honored to have the opportunity to tell you that I love you. I am up for the challenge of supporting you whole-heartedly because I know you support me everyday.

While there are many things in my life that I wish I could change, being with you (and all of your issues) is something I would never change. YOU are worth the work and effort. WE are worth the work and effort.

I know that I do not always play the role of the supportive wife on a daily basis - but I am supporting you. I hope that you know that. Reading your words on here has made me want to support you more - and it has made me want to be the best I can be for YOU and for me. You know that I still have many (self-esteem/self-worth) issues related to you P use - but I want you to know - that I do understand that they are now MY issues and they are not yours. I need to understand and work through those issues.

I am here for you and while I won't congratulate you on being P free, I will congratulate you on becoming a better husband and a better father.

[choselife]

I am speechless. The two of you have come so far in such a short time. Its truly touching. I'm very happy for the both of you.

CL

[gregg70]

I think what is relevant is that you are not focusing on P so much but more about dealing with the core issues. I have always believed the issue is not P but who we are or we what we have become. P is just a source. If we have our life in order, everything will be all right.

Charles,

You are so correct in examining my plan. I am concentrating on the root causes to why I ignored my feelings, to find what caused the harmful feelings, and to find out how I can better express my feelings. If I can do that, I am a better man, husband, father and friend. If I do that, I do not need to run from my problems and I do not need P.

I pray for every person here that is in recovery that God will help them in this fight. I pray that they can also fnd the roots of why they ran away from their feelings. I pray that they can get guidance on how to deal with the feelings. I pray that God will bless them with loved ones that will support them.

Charles, Rock, CL, and AmandaC,

Thank you all for taking the time to read. Thank you for the kind words. Please pray for everyone here. Please keep supporting them. Love them and help them seek the root causes and answers. Continue to pray for me and support me also.

Gregg70

[gregg70]

The following was posted by Still in CL's journal. It is a topic that I will now be exploring in my own life. I have a weight problem and as I stated before in my journal, my workaholic tendancies go hand in hand with what was stated.


"I was reading in David Burns' book "Feeling Good" about the danger of associating one's worth with one's achievements. What do you associate your worth with, CL, deep down? If your wife tells you off, do you at some level feel less worthwhile? Why can her opinion of you affect your own opinion of yourself? This example may not be the most relevant to your situation but it is worth thinking about worth itself. If your worth is externally measured, you are always at the mercy of others and events beyond your control. This bears some consideration and I am considering it myself, in relation to achievement. I have recently decided achievement takes a lot of effort and can really unbalance me. If I can value myself in non-achievement terms I will be a huge amount better off. How do you measure your worth?"

I will be writing in this during the week.

I have a meeting tomorrow night and a day trip Wednesday so I may not be posting until Thursday.

Please pray for travel grace. I pray for the recovery of my friends, my wife, and a special prayer to my BIL and sister as they are going through trying times with health issues.

Gregg70

[gregg70]

Just checking in to report that I am still P and MB free after my trip yesturday. The second big stressful week is almost over. My wife still has 2 projects due early next week and I am in charge of the house and kids until then. I still have one more project due and 2 more trips for work in the next month but the big stuff is over.

I still have every intention on posting about the quote that is in the above post. I will also be going over my physical that I had at the doctors this week and how I need to address some things there.

Gregg70

[sawyer]

Ooo.. Good quote to post.

Because at the heart of my addiction I am addressing "What it means to be a man", and I am tearing down what I had put up as my identity. Drawing my own self worth from the identity I showed and how others reacted to it.

I also placed way too much into my self based off my wife - she could build up and tear down my self worth in an instant without having ANY clue.

I am looking forward to what you have to write here. This should be interesting.

Oh, and if you get the time and have the time, I strongly recommend "Wild at heart" by John Eldredge.

[woah]

I agree that is a good quote. I'm glad I saw that. Hits me pretty good.

gregg your whole journal is very encouraging to me. It is a really good feeling to see that there are people like you in this world.

[gregg70]

Alright, time to begin addressing the quote I included.

I do see that I equate some of my worth with external aprroval systems. I do not rely wholly on them but they are a part of my life. As I wrote in my letter to my dad, I did not get alot of praise for any accomplishments when growing up and in college. This continued into my adult life. I wanted that praise so much from my dad that I craved that attention. I find that I often try to do good at my job to gain praise. Not to do a job well done but to gain the praise. If I do a good job and do not get that recognition, I will get upset or get down on myself. It will sometimes fuel me to work harder on it or to slip into a workaholic state where I focus on it and ignore my family, sleep and health.

I have gotten better this year with this (even before D-day forced me to examine my life). I still seek that attention at times. There are times when my wife will not recognize something special that I did and it will depress me. This has happened recently like since d-day, and I have been dealing with it.

The end result of this is that I have developed an unhealthy coping habit of eating to make myself feel better. I now overeat, snack at night, and snack when under stress at work. This has now made me "dependent" on food and I basically eat by the clock instead of when I really am hungry. I am overweight and now have been diagnosed with the beginning stages of hypertension.

So another part of my recovery must begin. The end result is overeating. The cause is lack of confidence in myself and the dependancy of praise in the workplace and home to gain that selfworth. Another cause is work stress.

I will be working on plans for this.

Gregg70

[rockwell]

HI Gregg,

I want to thank you for your wisdom in your PMs to me, and I will take your advice.

One thing that helped me in weight loss was to buy and excercise bike. I found that it was easy to use it. It is the recumbant type, nothing expensive. I usually watch TV or DVDs while on the bike, or baseball games. The time goes by real fast. I found that this type of excercize worked on my stomach more than walking did. I also saw a nutritionist and she showed me the portion sizes and what I should be eating. Both of these things helped me in losing weight. I know that it is difficult especially if you are dependant on food to help numb pain. Just an idea to ponder.

I hope you have a good day today. Thanks for your positive influence here.

rock

[gregg70]

Today marks 2 mo0nths P and MB Free!

It is another step in my journey for recovery.

Gregg7

[sawyer]

Congratulations!

2 Months is very tough by white knuckle willpower alone. The length of your sobriety shows that you are making progress internally.

I am proud of you! Keep it up and keep posting as to be an inspiration to others.

[woah]

Congratulations indeed!