gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 25, 2007 20:43:27 GMT -5
Whew! another busy week. I have not had much time to post in my journal this week. I have responded to a few posts and sent messages and posts to a few friends in need this week. Work was extremely busy as I was interviewing and hiring for numerous positions this week. That has kept my mind busy. My wife was busy with 2 night classes, her work and that left lots of stuff at the house to be done in free time. We managed to get through it with no one getting hurt I joined the accountability circle "Walking the Path" I hope to get some new knowledge from the other members and well as continued reflection of myself as we tackle the issues that face us. I also have enrolled into a class on setting captives free website. It is different class as I feel it is gauged to the non Christian person that is seeking spiritual help for his/her SA. There are a few points that will help me so far. It is a 60 day course so maybe as I work through the days, I will get more out of it. I am currently on day three there. I do not know how much I will be posting this weekend as we will be on the go. I will stop in Friday and Saturday to say hello and give a report of my sobriety. Gregg70
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Post by rockwell on Oct 26, 2007 9:15:09 GMT -5
Gregg,
Sounds like you are in a good place right now. Stay there! The grass is greener where you currently are. I am interested to hear about what you think of the class you are taking. I have never participated in any of those. I am sure you will benefit from it though.
I hope you have a nice weekend.
Rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 27, 2007 22:03:53 GMT -5
Just checking in to report I am still P and MB free.
I will be out of town tomorrow and will post Monday.
Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 28, 2007 21:17:58 GMT -5
I am just popping in to post that I had a great day with my wife! We had a date (not sure she would call a football game a date) but it was without kids and was a whole day affair. We had a great time and got to hold hands alot, lean on each other and talk about nothing but it was so meaningful.
Wifey, thank you for making my day.
Yes, still P and MB free folks, with a day like that, how could you not be?
Gregg70
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Post by sawyer on Oct 29, 2007 19:32:34 GMT -5
A Football Game is a Dream Date for me!
Stay the Course!
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 30, 2007 20:59:23 GMT -5
Way of Purity. Is the class that I am taking at settingcaptivesfree. It is a course designed to help you break the many parts of SA and PA. The author has been free from addiction since 1999. He was a pilot of Continental Airlines for 15 years and had the opportunity to really kick the SA and PA off the charts with the availability of triggers everywhere. Below is an exerpt from the description. I have been assigned a mentor and we have emailed a few times. I have not yet built up trust with him and do not reveal too much. However, I do reveal alot in my answers. You can have those answers emailed to anyone that you want to be an accountability partner. I am choosing not to send them to anyone other than the mentor. You do not have to go everyday but it is encoraged. I skip days between visits but will try to begin going everyday in about a week when everything settles down for our family and work life.
My name is Mike Cleveland, and I am the author of this course
Now, here is how the course works. You will come back to Setting Captives Free once a day to complete your course material. Every day is approximately the same length, and we have designed the course to take between 20 and 30 minutes of your time each day. When you login each day, you will be directed to the next study. Complete the lesson, answering each question as able, and then submit your answers. You will be assigned to a mentor, who will be responsible for reviewing your answers and providing input based on your responses. This mentor will also be your online accountability partner. Your mentor has completed the 60-day course and is now walking in freedom from pornography and all sexual impurity. He or she will be able to help you break free, as well.
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Post by rockwell on Oct 31, 2007 8:45:52 GMT -5
Looks like a good program for you, Gregg. Keep journaling on how it helps you.
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 31, 2007 20:49:58 GMT -5
Tonight was Halloween. We took the kids to our church for trunk n treat. There were about 40 cars giving out candy. A popcorn machine and a cotton candy machine. There were hot dogs, games and a cakewalk. It was alot of fun. I love that time with the kids. Watching their excitment. It is precious. My daughter won a cake! She was Dora. E was a dragon, T was batman and D was Tow Mator. I was a race fan.
This time is was different. I think that the next holidays will mean alot to me in different ways then they used to. I almost lost the moments I had tonight with my family because of my addiction. I almost lost what so many father's take for granted. I could have been hearing about tonight with a phone call, a picture or a second hand conversation. But thank God I got to witness it first hand.
I know not everyone here has a family and kids. Many are single or in college. But for those that are in a family, I cannot imagine how they could ever view P again if it meant that they would lose those special moments with the family.
My family is worth more than a cheap thrill. They are worth so much more.
Gregg70
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Post by rockwell on Nov 1, 2007 10:13:47 GMT -5
Gregg,
I went trick or treating with my kids last night as well. They were witches, and we had a blast. I know what you mean. Those golden moments last such a short time and they are only under our care for a brief moment in time. Life goes by fast and we have to hold onto what is true. Lets remember these times when we are tempted.
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Nov 2, 2007 19:01:41 GMT -5
Weird evening last night.
My wife was working on some papers that were due for her grad class. She had announced that she had finished them. The shows we watch together were off and I proceded to get things in order for bed. I took our daughter's stuff to her bed. Changed her diaper, and turned off the TV and most of the lights leaving my wife at the couch with her laptop as she was still working answering email, etc.
I took our daughter to her bed and then went to bed myself. My daughter was down the hall and back into the living room which is not out of the ordinary at all and is pretty much a nightly occurance.
Next thing I know, I am half asleep and hear my wife upset with our daughter and telling her "put it down". They then come down the hall and into the bedroom and my wife yells "open the door!" which is confusing to me because I was in the bed and the bathroom door was open. I think maybe she thought the door was closed and that is why the room was dark. She then said "what the hell are you doing?" to me. Again I was puzzled. I asked what was wrong and what happened. My wife was whiping off my daughters hands and feet. I can only imagine that she spilled something or that she got into the trash can possibly but my wife would not say anything to me. She was furious but not communicating anything. I had no idea what had happened but she acted like I should have known exactly what was going on. This in turn frustrates the hell out of me because she clams up and will not say a word BUT at the same time expects me to know exactly what she is thinking.
So this escalates to the point that I am yelling "what is wrong? what happened?" and she yells back once and then says "I am not talking to you".
I still have no clue what set this whole thing in motion as we have just said what had to be said with dishes, laundry, and dinner tonight.
When she said "what the hell are you doing?" I wonder if she thought I was MBing. When I used to MB it was often when I went to bed and she was still up working all hours of the night when her studies. Before she was student teaching, she was a night owl. I would go to bed around 10pm and lay there alone and with the PA I would MB. So I wonder if she thought that was what I was doing?
Anyway I regret that I yelled at her. When we can communicate, I am never frustrated with her but when she gets upset and frustrated, she resorts to calling me names and then clams up and thats it.
I have gotten better about not yelling but this week I have found myself doing this 3 times. Mentally at work it has been draining but that is not an excuse nor do I think that is why it happened. I know my wife has been very stresed with school. I have to assume that this has caused her to have a short patience level and when something happens, she might be reverting to the old way that we would communicate which was filled with me yelling and her quickly claming up OR she just feels that it is not worth her time to stop and explain something and feels it is just easier to clam up and move on.
At any rate, I have to do my part and not yell so that she might be inclined to use a more constructive track of communication.
Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Nov 2, 2007 19:20:30 GMT -5
Oh and yes I am still P and MB free! Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Nov 3, 2007 12:42:26 GMT -5
Its Saturday and nothing good to report about me and myt wife. I spoke about her in my last journal entry. She took it very personal. I was not attacking her personally but merely trying to type out what happened the night before and speak to my reaction to those events.
Anyway, she trashed me in her journal and it stung a little.
**************************************************** OK the next part of today's enty comes with a disclaimer. I have many friends on here that use the approach that I am about to write about. I am by no means saying that I am against what they are doing but I am stating why I do not use this approach. Again I am not trying to offend any of you. ****************************************************
I see more and more people on here giving their addiction a "voice". They speak about it like "my voice was telling me to do blank". It did not seem strange to me at first but the more and read about this and after I think about it, I wonder a few things about this approach. I think some do this approach as a way of materializing the addiction into a being that they can fight against. They can talk back to the voice and can tell it to go to hell. That part I think I can go along with. I can go along with the voice being Satan tempting me to an extent but then I think you would be inviting him into your life and it would become very difficult spiritually.
I fear that if one continued on this approach, that they might begin to blame the voice for slips. They will say well the voice told me to do it and at the time I thought why not. In my recovery, I cannot allow this to happen. The voice did not tell me to do this. It is my mind that is sick. It is my mind that was polluted with the P and I allowed it to happen. I take full responsibilty for it.
My recovery cannot take that risk. Today I am talking back to the voice and tomorrow I am blaming it for my slip. It almost seems like that would make my slip seem less of a slip? Maybe because I did not suggest it, it was not that bad? This is why I will not use this approach to my recovery. It is my battle and my fight. I will welcome the support of others and will allow God to deliver me from this addiction.
Gregg70
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Nov 3, 2007 13:15:02 GMT -5
Hi gregg, sorry about the fighting going on with you and your wife. Relationships are hard, that I know. I pray that you two have a more open communication, as I've read that on many occasions anger and frustration can be averted when communication is open. Still, even with open communication, I would fight with my SO. I regret every fight, I regret getting angry I hate the angry version of me very much. As far as the AV thing goes, I don't think anyone is saying that the responsibility goes to the AV< but goes to the person for allowing the AV to have control over their lives. There is no excuse, if I MB then I MB. I have already looked at Ponrographic material today, but I didn't complete the ritual. I was on myspace and looked at personals, which linked to adult personals, which showed me a few nudes. I looked at these nudes, briefly, and thank God, I didnt get turned on, instead, I ran off. But I still have lingering temptation now, because you give the Devil an inch he'll take a mile. But keep in mind, you are not fighting this battle alone, and also, giving this battle over to God, means a sure victory. Now if only I was good at this surrendering thing as well. At any rate, I envy you. Atleast you're married, have a daughter, and a life in front of you. I have nothing but programs. I have to do this, and that, and the other, and an ex-girlfriend who won't leave me alone, and I'm addicted to her friendship anyway. Sorry to turn this around on me, anywho. I want to say that you're doing a great job, keep up the great work.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 4, 2007 5:09:51 GMT -5
Hi Gregg, I guess a tough week in parts. Its difficult at times to read a womens mind or find out what exactly did we do wrong this time. Its plainly obvious to them but not to us. Did you leave the toilet seat up by any chance. I hope you have recovered from it. You journal is so honest that its probably difficult for your wife to read it at times. What written down in print can often sound alot harsher than it is or be misinterpreted. I guess its give and take. I often find myself just apologising and apologising and in the end I don't know why I am apologising. The best thing to do is probably just to do your best. Your wife has to look at her behaviour as well and think whether it was appropriate or not and if so explain why. We are not psychic. The voices comments I think were insightful. I'm sure it works for some people but I agree with the "voice told me" sentiment. In a way its like blaming the devil. The devil doesn't need to do anything. It all comes from inside ourselves. We have freewill and choices. We make those choices and have to live with them. Keep up the good work and the fab journal
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Nov 4, 2007 13:32:44 GMT -5
C4P and William,
Thank you for your comments and thank you for taking to the timne to stop in and read my journal. It humbles me to think that people actually stop in and read my stuff.
C4P, hang in there. You have made incredible progress the last week or so. I think you are getting a grip on this thing again. My wish is to see you post here on a Sunday afternoon and report that you spent the weekend doing something other than sitting on the computer. I wish to see you telling us about practice, a concert, a day in the park, a day making a fool out of yourself ice skating, whatever you name it. I wish to see you find constructive ways to spend your time. God will help you find your way.
William,
I totally agree with your statements about the voice. It is always our choice. The devil just cooks the meal, its our choice if we sit down to eat with him or not.
****************************************************
On the home front, things are much better. My wife and I talked about things a little bit. We apoligized for the other which suits us and opened things up and cleared the air. My wife, like normal, was the bgger person and broke the silence.
We were intimate and had a lovely time talking and cuddling (until I fell asleep of course). Today was nice and we had a good time at church. The children were well behaved also.
Gregg70
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