gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 1, 2007 19:32:02 GMT -5
Well its 1, 1, 1 day! One month, one week, and one day P and MB free! This weekend was alot of fun! Not really but it was one of reflection for me. My wife was in the hospital. My co-worker was in the hospital and she is usually the emergency babysitter. I had to scrammble to find child care. It was done and I was able to be there for my wife and support her. I know if I would have just stayed at home with the kids, my wife would have stayed at the hospital by herself and would have never said a word. I think she was even surprised at how much time I stayed with her all weekend. With everything that I wrote about in my journal going on this week, I have really tried to pre-plan on my stress levels and my reactions to it. I am happy that while today was stressful at work, I was able to remain focused and got alot of things completed. I have cleared alot of hurdles and the week looks a little better. I even was able to make it home at a decent time. We were not able to make a date but I was able to bring home some dinner and we had a nice meal with my wife and the baby. It was peaceful. My wife has wrote in her journal that she is afraid that I am concentrating too much on her and her needs right now and she is concerned that I am ignoring my needs and am not spending enough time on my own recovery. I want to speak to that. It has been special for me to be able to cater and take care of my wife these past weeks. I have been able to shower her with some love and affection. I have been able to take care of her in the hospital and at home. I have been getting the pleasure of doing alot of the housework. Yes it is not fun and sure I would love to do alot of other things but I am happy and glad to do it for my wife. I do not know how to explain it any better than this: being able to do these things has enabled me to be more connected with her. I feel so much more towards her in love, and especially friendship. We are communincating so much better. This in tuen is helping my recovery tremendously. I feel more of a person. I feel like I am contributing more to her, my kids, and to my duties as a husband. I am working on my recovery. This has been the best prescription for my addiction. Believe it or not, this has also somehow allowed my to express my feelings more. I have been able to express how I feel in more contructive ways. I have not blown up as much as I have in the past. I have not gotten angry with I get frustrated as often as I have in the past. I have been able to ask for help from my wife and I have lacked that trait in the past. The mere fact that I stopped to access these next two weeks and wonder how my stress might effect my family is a major breakthrough. I cannot ever remember a time that I did that. I have always just went and did what I had to do and if it spilled over into the family when I got home, so be it. I think because I did that and prayed about it, I had a lot better experience at work today. That in turn, brought a much happier Dad home to his family. I still have much to do for my recovery but I hope that my wife understands that she is what the doctor ordered for me. I feel so much closer to her and feel that she truely is my best friend. That is so much a part of my recovery.
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Post by rockwell on Oct 2, 2007 8:55:29 GMT -5
gregg,
Sorry to hear about all this stress but your recovery plan is working well. Serving others, especially your wife takes the focus off of you and puts your love on others. Those that become addicted to P become very self-centered....its all about them, their pleasure, their "fix." Everything tends to revolve around them. I am speaking of myself here as well. But once in active recovery, things change, like you have described.
It feels good not to have any temptations, but please be very alert and aware on this one. The temptations are not going anywhere. They will be back full force so be ready for them. And be ready to turn you back on them. They will come back after the baby is born. As there will be added stress and pressure during this time. As a matter of fact, two men who were on this board previously, fell away after their babies were born and they both have left the board....noone knows what happened to them. I am not saying this will be you, becaused I do not believe that will be the case. But what I am saying is that stress, changes, and no sex for 6 weeks will have an effect, so be ready with a plan!
God is helping you. You have good communication with your wife, so keep it open. And be honest. Because you know that she is reading your journal, you need to be careful and honest about what you write. Best wishes. You are in my prayers.
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 2, 2007 21:34:29 GMT -5
I set out to make sure that I write in my journal everynight this week. I have been able to so far.
I still have alot to do this week but I do not feel like I am being crashed by the wave, I feel like I am riding it. I was able to help with dinner tonight after work and went to do some grocery shopping afterward. While there, I got a dozen roses and was successful at slipping them into the house and into a vase and put them on the kitchen table. I was home over an hour before my wife saw them. Her reaction was wonderful. I enjoyed being able to give them to her. Best thing was she was not expecting them and they were "just because" and not because I was coming home with my tail between my legs.
My wife had a good day at work today and that made me feel alot better. She did not get dizzy and had no ill effects from this weekend. She still has energy and I think she is back to her old self.
I have 5 business trips this month. The first is an overnight trip next week. This is my first overnight trip since D-Day. My wife and I have not talked about it in those terms yet. In the past, these trips have not been a problem for me and my PA or MB. I do not forsee it will be a problem this time. I know my wife will be nervous during that trip. She will be able to view the computer history and reports from covenant eyes. The company picks up the room but not any incidentals so the CC receipts would show anything there. There is the possibilty of cash but I will be bringing home receipts from the room so I can prove that I did not view anything X rated. The only unknowns will be whether or not I MB or if I view soft porn. I will be very honest with my wife and she will have to trust me. I know that word is not something my wife may be ready to talk about yet. That is why I am bringing it up now.
The other overnight trip involves my wife so that will be a nice trip and with no kids, it will hopefuly have some romantic times with pillow talk.
I have three other day trips this month. One has the chance to be overnight but only if my wife is able to go. I think those are going to be ok. I have went on a day trip since D-day and it was ok.
I will be visiting the board while I am on my trips. It is a part of my recovery and I am going to stay connected to it while away from home.
I will be checking in with my wife during the trip as well. I always do this but I will do it with more meaning and frequency if that is what she wants.
I will be discussing this more as the week goes.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 3, 2007 18:25:58 GMT -5
Today was another good day. My wife wanted to do something special for me since my recovery is going so well. I have mixed feelings about this. First, I do apprecaite that she can see my progress and hard work but I feel guilty being rewarded for doing good in recovery for something as evil and devastating as PA. I have a long way to go and it has not even been 2 months yet. The other thing is that I do not want to get accostomed to getting rewarded every month for my good recovery. I was thinking that the rewards should be for more meaningful things such as 6 months or a year PA and MB free or deeper issues like going a whole month without making my wife feel like she is less than the best. Maybe I am crazy. What guy would not want their wife to reward them every month to a round of golf or something? I do not know. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I cannot put my finger on it other than the shame and guilt that I am a PA and that is what I am recovering from.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 4, 2007 22:13:45 GMT -5
Its Thursday and I am exhausted. I have almost completed everything at work and have gotten a headstart on some things for next week.
My wife is very busy and is stressed alot. I hope that she can get some of her projects done or to a manageable part so that she is not so stressed.
I am going to bed now.
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Post by rockwell on Oct 5, 2007 9:43:30 GMT -5
Gregg,
Get lots of rest! Very important. You are doing great. Keep supporting your wife!
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 5, 2007 23:10:11 GMT -5
Whew! One week down and one to go at work. This week did not turn out to be as bad as I thought it would have. I think my approach to it made alot of difference. My wife's support early on was god also. She had her own challenges later in the week with her work so she was not able to devote as much attention to me which was very understandable. We have been able to communicate through it even though the stress was present. This weekend will be the telling of the tape. We have alot of stuff to accomplish and I have to step up to the plate and get alot done. I need to be the leader and set the tone working hard and being a wonderful husband and dad. If I can do that, my wife will not be stressed and the home will be peaceful. My wife has 9 weeks left in her internship and then she gets to relax a little before the baby arrives. It will give her time to "nest" and get all ready. I love seeing her like that. She goes all out like most moms I am sure to get everything ready, get last minute baby clothes and supplies, etc. Next weekend we go to a quarterly meeting that we are involved with. We have a weekend with no kids. We usually are able to talk alot about stuff that is not necessarily important but it makes such a bond to share with each other. I am looking forward to it. I have seen alot of good things on the board this week. It just justifies me being here. I get motivation from some success stories and from different posts of faith and determination. When some bear their souls here, it reminds me of myself in many ways. I learn from it and it even makes it easier for me to examine my feelings. I have been able to reflect on my emotions and it has helped me in my communication with my family. I have been trying to control my lust. I read several lust threads this week. I know it is a huge problem that many of us face as PAs. I do not find myself breaking my neck oogling women but I think I have work to be done not reducing them to objects. I have been concentrating on not noticing if there are women around me and if I do just smile or say hello and move on. For the most part, it is working. I have not gotten the urge to move on to P viewing. I have also been reading several opinions and accounts on how once we cut out P we start viewing other things as soft P like certain magazines that have clothing ads or such. I have never thought of that but I will be watching that in the future as I have cut out P and will never go back to it. I can see where a person could be motivated to look at a magazine and allow it to trigger the downward spiral. I will begin to be mindful of that. I have been so focused on communicating well with my wife and other parts of my recovery, that I have not though much about my father and those emotions. I think its ok that I put that on the backburner for a while but I do want to explore them more. I am thinking that I may make that a home work assignment while I travel next week. I will be on 4 flights of at least 2 hours a piece and I can write and reflect. I hope to be able to write about that upon my return. I also need to make more of an effort to communicate with my son. He lives out of town and I need to call him more that I do. I am alienating him much like my Father did to me for a period of time. I have to be more mindful of that and try not to be like my Father. I think this is enough for the evening. Gregg
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Post by choselife on Oct 6, 2007 2:53:34 GMT -5
Hi, Gregg. Just stopping in to tell you that I am very happy for you and your wife that things are going so well.
CL
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 6, 2007 19:09:31 GMT -5
Well its saturday and another week is in the books. I have been on the board alot today in between loads of laundry and some dishes. I have watched a little football too so all in all it was a productive day. I got housework done and my wife did not have to do any of it. She went to the grocery store but she somewhat enjoys getting to do that when she can go alone and get away from the kids for a while. I could tell that she was feeling good when she returned. There have been alot of new members the past few days. It should not but it continues to suprise me that there are so many of us out there. When you think that not that big of a percentage actually make it here to post on the board, it gets real scarey. There are so many SA, PA, and MB out there and then all the SOs that are hurting as well. Almost makes one want to get into politics and shut down the sexual based society that we live in. Unbelievable stuff. I am still plugging along with my recovery. I have made another stride this week and I was thrust into a situation where my job stress was at a high level. It was not the most stressful week but it was a top 5 for sure. I came out on the other end so well. I am very proud about the way I was able to function at home after a hard week. Do not get me wrong, I did not do a bunch of work around the house but I was involved with the family and I was a happy Daddy not a stressed out shell of myself. My wife was wonderful too. I asked for her help and understanding this week and she carried through with her promise to do so. One night I said, I do not really feel like doing the dishes and she said "then dont, its ok". It was a nice gesture. A few months ago, this would not have happened. I would have been mean Daddy coming home all stressed out. I would have made my wife mad and then I would have not did as much housework help because we were mad. That would have made the wife more mad and the spiral goes out of control until one of us becomes the bigger person and tries to smooth it out. I am glad that we have not done this for over a month and I hope we never go back to this behavior. I do not know if I will post in the journal tomorrow. If not, I will post Monday before my trip. Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 7, 2007 18:48:24 GMT -5
I had not planed on posting today but I have to share a quote and my reflection on it.
"C" said "By continuing to focus on being the person I am capable of being is a never ending process. Because every day is another opportunity to be the best I can be. "
I think this is the best quote I have seen here on this board in the 6 weeks I have been here.
This is a universal statement that anyone in the world could apply to his/her life. Such powerful words when you stop and picture this. Everyday we have a new opportunity to be everything we want to. We can be Happy, P free, Confident, Moral, Ethical, Honest, Loving, Caring, and so much more. We can whatever we set out to do.
This is a choice we make every day. When we open our eyes, and make the choice. The choice to live our life the same as yesterday or the choice to be the best we can be. We make the choice to keep up our recovery. We make the choices when we click the mouse to view P.
I make the choice to be P and MB free. I make the choice to be better today than I was yesterday. I make the choice to follow God and do his will for me in my life. I make the choice to love my wife and family and to be there for them and not be absorbed in selfish acts.
Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 10, 2007 23:59:58 GMT -5
Just checking in to say I am back from my business trip and still P and MB free! I have written 3 long posts that I hope to transfer here tomorrow.
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Post by choselife on Oct 11, 2007 5:17:05 GMT -5
Great post, Gregg, and a really good day for me to read it.
CL
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Post by rockwell on Oct 11, 2007 14:54:29 GMT -5
Way to go greg, way to go, Whoa Whoa!
rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 11, 2007 20:38:17 GMT -5
While on my trip, I read a great article in Sports Illustrated. It was titled "What Love's got to do with it" by Gary Smith.
It is about Yankees rookie pitcher Joba Chamberland. It is about a father's love and how the father refused to allow his own handicap to keep him from gicing his kids the best. Harlan (the father) encouraged Joba al throughout life. Joba did not make his highschool baseball team until he was a junior. He did not immediately go to college. One day while practicing along in a rec park, a junor college coach happened to watch him pitch. The team was ravaged by injuries and he invited Joba to come pitch at he junior college.
Joba pitched just one season there and received a scholarship at his hometown Nebraska University where he lead them to the College World Series. He got drafted into minor league ball and went from 1A to 2A to 3A to the majors this August.
Harlan was always there. Through failure after failurehe kept encouraging Joba. Joba saw what his father did to sacrifice for bith kids. Harlan is in a scooter (he refuses to use a wheelchair because that would make him handicapped) and his left arm is marred and unusable. He still raised 2 kids by himself. They even played catch in the cold and rain. Most of all, Harlan let Joba dream and best yet, he never let him forget those dreams.
Joba was overwieght (70lbs) but Harlan did not get on him about it but rather encouraged him and allowed Joba to work it out.
Its a great story on many levels but main 2 themes are a Father's unconditional love and to never give up on your dreams. Do not let failures stop your pursuit. Great lessons for those of us in recovery.
My wife supports me and loves me unconditionally. I need to remember my dreams and goals for a lifetime free of P and MB.
Gregg70
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Oct 11, 2007 21:18:51 GMT -5
I have been meaning to write the letter to my dad that I spoke of during the first week of my recovery. I have finally written that letter. I have tried my best to let my father know what I was feeling all those years that he was alive without directly accusing him of being a horrible dad. It was very hard and brought back many feelings from my past. I hope that this is not too harsh for him. I do feel much better now that I have written this. Dad, I have been meaning to say a few things to you for quite some time. Alot of things hurt me when I was growing up. Many times I did not tell you. Many times I felt that you were the cause and many times I felt abandoned by you because you were not in the house any longer. I never knew what it was like to have a father play catch, give me pointers on sports. I never had a father at my games. I never felt that a father appreciated my talents or academic achievments. I felt hurt by the things that you said to me after my college graduation. I also felt hurt about my weight problem and your constant put downs about it. When I lost over 50lbs, I never once heard anything about my weight loss. I needed that! It hurt that you acted like you did not notice. I now find that I am struggling with my weight again. I find that when I think about it, I hear your voice putting my down about it. I know this is my problem and I have to deal with it. I also find that I am disconnected with my son as you were with me. It hurts me but at the same time, I am still doing it. He does not deserve that. I need to make more of an effort to connect with him. I do not allow many things to be an excuse for me like you did with your physical problems. I do my best to not allow mine to dictate my life. I need to forgive you for the hurt that I feel about our lack of unconditional love. I need to forgive you for the hurt that I feel about the weight remarks. I think its a major reason I am unable to admitto myself that I need to lose weight. I need to take better care of myself. It is my choice. I just am blaming it on your past reactions. I need to forgive you for not being there. I need to learn more from this rather than dwell on the hurt. After I enter this into my journal, I will pray to God and tel him that I forgive you. I will then ask for God to forgive me for not dealing with this sooner and allowing myself to blame you for my problems. I also will ask that God help me to forget that and be able to focus on the good things we shared. Gregg70
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