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Post by Mayberry on Dec 10, 2007 7:44:58 GMT -5
Friend Sunshine: Your life (as posted on the circle) seems a whirlwind to me right now. I'm praying for you and your husband....Are you feeling okay with your Christmas plans changing (I think I read your post correctly)? I know I'm not alone in hoping that YOU are doing okay in the midst of the long-haul, hard-work time you are truckin' through right now. J
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Post by Sunshine on Dec 10, 2007 12:56:50 GMT -5
Thank you mayberry and everyone for checking in-
I had a discussion with B the other day, and I told him that sometimes I think the tough schedule that we live is the glue that keeps me together in that I have to focus on the here and now instead of focusing on the past, and that when things slow down maybe I will just go poof and disintegrate.
This thought really disturbed him, because he brought it up two days later. Sometimes it is like he is miles ahead of me, off in happy land, and I am still buried back in the rubble. I have started a paper journal where I write all the troubling questions that I would like answered, but know wouldn't be answered even if I asked, under the guise of protecting me from the truth. I have to find some way of healing anyway. It is like when I went through the child within healing when I came to the realization that I am the only one I can count on( together with God) and really, this is again the only way for me to heal from this. I am so tired of reading about what B has to do to heal- to understand the roots of the addiction- to understand the family's role in it- to really work the 12 steps, to understand how rituals play into it, and so on. B says that he has simply been completely healed by God, and that all these other things would simply put him back into the addiction again.
Anyway, just a few random thoughts. I wish I could spend some time here, but I have so much paperwork to do
Sunshine
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Post by whoami on Dec 10, 2007 21:38:21 GMT -5
{{{{{{{Sunshine}}}}} thank you for your random thoughts! I've missed you and always look forward to your posts.
I quoted the above, saying "ouch" to your H's decisions about what he will or won't share with you. I'm thinking OUCH at B's thoughts that this kind of work...would put him back in his addiction again. But it's hard to read thru the lines. I understand your being tired of reading about all of this (me too!) I'm just wondering where you will be with all this, when things "settle down."
Not everyone recovers in the same ways, and it's not for me to speculate on what works for B. I won't even speculate on what works for you. I will say tho, that even with the answers I have, I feel much the same as what you said, about only having yourself and God to count on. I had too many expectations on H for his part in my healing process, and I think I've finally given those up.
Stay healthy and safe in this whirlwind of busy-ness....I am keeping up prayers.
Whoami
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Post by kyle on Dec 10, 2007 21:48:45 GMT -5
Sunshine,
I hope this finds you feeling better. I know you are struggling with how your Husband has declared himself healed. I pray that he truly is, and as Whoami stated, everyones recovery is different. I pray that he has the strength to continue to work through things and that he will eventually be able to ease your concerns with how he is recovering.
Y have been a great inspiration to me with some of your thoughts and incite to my questions and I hope that, in some small way, I can be of help to you as well. Your paper Journal is a good thing as it may get answers yet in the future. God will continue to work on B's heart and you keep doing the things you need to to heal for yourself. As you already know, you can't heal B, he has to do that ons own. You will continue to be in my prayers and I know God will work in your life as he has promised.
Keep the faith my sister, God will provide.
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Post by Sunshine on Dec 11, 2007 13:11:57 GMT -5
Who-
Thank you for understanding my struggle. Your kindness and your prayers mean so much to me.
Kyle, I want to tell you that you have helped me so much too. Please don't get discouraged and quit posting on this board. We all have our ups and downs, and we can count on each others support when we are on the down side. I can relate to your wife in so many ways, and although we all are working in so many positive ways, the broken relationships take time to heal.
I want to say that I am sure that B is not acting out. He believes that his support groups are all he needs to maintain his sobriety. He attends 3 S/A meetings, 1 men's church group, and 1 S/A group in church per week. He is happy that he has opportunity for a new beginning for our relationship, and we are very close.
However, there are problems. B told a friend a story about an employee on a job that we did years ago, and his story brought forth a recollection of my own. B told the employee's wife, Christina, that she could use our RV bathroom to take a bath, because her hot water heater wasn't working. She spent over 3 hours in the bathroom, and when she finally emerged, she was waring a tight skirt, high heels, and bright red lipstick. She sat down, and wouldn't leave until B got home. The whole episode was strange, on recollection, and in my head I decided that B must have had sex with her. This idea bothered me greatly, and I lived with the thought for 3 days, with B asking me what was the matter, and me not offering any reason. Finally, I asked him about it, and he said that he did not have sex with her. But she went back to Mexico the next day, so I never saw her again. But I am not so sure that he told me the truth. This is the kind of thing that is eating at me, and is keeping me from forgiving and moving on.
B was attracted to women who were hurting. He comforted them until he got what he wanted, and then would move on. He was attracted to me, and realized that I was hurting, although I never shared with him about the things that had happened to me, and although we were inseparable, we never had sex until we had been together over a year. He told me that our relationship lasted because I didn't give in. And I wonder about the other women. How hard hearted was he to use their pain as a way to use them. This thought confuses me, because he is so kind to others when he has nothing to gain- such as his special treatment of a 21 year old mentally disabled man who B loves very much, and other people with special needs that he cares for.
Anyway, enough introspection for one day
Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 11, 2007 16:35:31 GMT -5
(((((((((((( Sunshine )))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry he's not forthcoming with the answers that would help you heal and to make sense of what you've lived through. I've also gone through that - Mr. LU told me a few weeks ago "all" - which was way too little way to late... I can't believe that was all or he wouldn't have kept it such a big, ugly secret for years. Only God can heal me now as I don't trust my husband to help. God knows and I believe He can let me know how to make sense of all this stuff.
It amazes me how they can be so kind to some people and so cruel to others. I can't feature how people can compartmentalize their lives to that extent.
I dated a SA when I was in my 20s. I was the first woman he'd promised fidelity to, the first one he considered marrying - it was also because I refused to have sex with him until we'd had a long-term dating relationship. I guess he figured I'd be faithful to him even though he wouldn't have been faithful to me. He broke off our relationship because he knew he wouldn't be faithful and he knew that would kill how I felt about him - plus, I wasn't big breasted enough to keep him happy, he said. Although I hurt terribly at the time, I was later relieved that he did the noble thing and break up with me rather then hurting me over years or decades by cheating. It's hard to think of somebody reducing others to a knotch on their bedpost.... or being a knotch.
LookingUp
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Post by Sunshine on Dec 17, 2007 18:48:28 GMT -5
I wish I had more time to write here. My computer is in the shop, which is not convenient. We are going to get a booster to extend the range of the internet, so I will be able to use the computer more often.
I want to do the class at Recovery Nation- I wish that B would do it also, but he doesn't want to even touch the internet. He also asked me to throw away my catalogues. I threw them away, but I think than fantisizing over catalogues is a bit much.
We are going to see the grandkids tonight, and take them their Christmas presents. I bought the little girls, ages 1&2 cute little dresses- velvet tops with long silky plaid skirts, little petticoats, and silky bloomers. They are precious. I know that they won't go anywhere to wear them, but little girls love to twirl with the petticoats, and they make them feel so special.I also got them soft little dolls. I especially love to buy little girl things, because I never had pretty dresses or dolls when I was little, so I love to buy them for the girls.
I remember when I was about 10 years old. I came from a large family- I had an older brother, and six younger brothers and sisters. There wasn't money for things like Christmas trees or presents.
I ice skated every evening, and had to walk about a mile home afterwards. I would dawdle , and the other kids would leave me behind. I would walk slowly, my feet crunching in the snow, the whole earth bathed in the moonlight. I would slow down, and look at one house- and pretend I lived there. It was a cozy little cape cod, with two picture windows with a door in the middle. You could often see Papa sitting in his chair by the fireplace, Mother reading to baby in a chair on the other side of the fireplace. Once I watched as they decorated their tree- another time I saw them decorating cookies. And I imagined the presents were dolls- not for me, but for my two little sisters. I always wanted to have a Christmas like they had, warm fire, pretty tree, a loving Papa, and a Mother who held her children and who read to them. I tried to give that life to my own children, but sadly it was my dream and not theirs.
The first house we bought was a cozy little cape cod- two windows in the front with a door in the middle. I read to my children in a chair by the fire.I tried to give them the love I missed out on as a child. I'm afraid sometimes that we gave them too much- that maybe because their needs were met, that maybe the desire to be part of something bigger than themselves was lost. I hope that this christmas they do something special with their children. I hope they make cookies together. I hope their children care about more than what they have under the tree. I hope that they at least mention that it is really about when God came to earth born as a baby.
But I remember how it was- to share the warmth and love of Christmas with people I didn't even know.
Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 19:03:15 GMT -5
Sunshine, your bittersweet memories and unfulfilled expectations for your children brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me a bit of my childhood and my children. We got gifts - usually a doll (sometimes homemade) and a homemade gift from Dad and the rest was things for school or clothes Mom made or cut down from hand-me-downs. But at least it was something to open and after Christmas break, I could tell others I got gifts. Like you, I tried to get my children to buy into the my dream of a happy family - but neither boy is cognizant of God in their life. At times, I feel like a failure - that the most important thing in my life, my relationship with God, is one of the least important things to them in their lives.
LookingUp
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Post by Sunshine on Dec 17, 2007 19:27:00 GMT -5
LU_ I guess we share more than one heartache- Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 19:59:51 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((( Sunshine )))))))))))))))))))))) Yes, I think so.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 25, 2007 7:01:41 GMT -5
Missing you, dearheart, and hoping that you and the Mr. are safe and well this Christmas morning. Much love and many prayers your way. J
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