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Post by Sunshine on Oct 11, 2007 12:29:42 GMT -5
LU- thank you for your comments. The thing about my emotions is that everyone thinks they can read me by my expressions. My DH told me 3 times in an hour yesterday what I was feeling- you are just upset- you are just mad- you are just tired- Truth is, I wasn't feeling any of those things. Even my kids assign feelings to me- maybe it is because I don't have any of my own.
Whoami- I wish I could be an emotional volcano like you. But the problem is that I think that if I did let loose, I would really get out of control. I remember that when my mom died, all I did was take care of everybody. I guess that has been how I react- just do the Martha thing.Also, any opinion about why DH would say that my strength will help him be victorious over his problem is welcome. It didn't make any sense to me whatsoever.
Mayberry- your journey and mine is so similar. It sounds like we react in much the same way, and our lives have much in common. I want to thank you for sharing what you are going through.
Love to you all-
Sunshine
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Post by gracebyfaith on Oct 11, 2007 14:48:46 GMT -5
Sunshine, may I be so bold as to ask what your reaction was to your H naming your emotions for you?
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 11, 2007 15:25:41 GMT -5
any opinion about why DH would say that my strength will help him be victorious over his problem is welcome. It didn't make any sense to me whatsoever. If Mr. LU would say something like that to me, I'd think (1) he was just co-dependent; (2) he was trying to hook me into being responsible for his soberity; (3) that he was tactfully telling me that I was trying to control him. On the other hand, if he believes your prayers will be a major asset in his victory - that would be a whole different thing. Is hearing that question something he could hear and respond to?
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 12, 2007 6:33:37 GMT -5
Sunshine: You ask...
Mr. Mayberry has expressed to me that he views me as someone he "wants to be" like. (Scares the dickens out of me every time he's said it.) While I could analyze your husband's comment and come up with all sorts of "scary" stuff, I tried to imagine what my husband would mean if he said what yours said. And I think I came up with....
He would mean that he sees me as a strong person and he wants to see himself that way. I am an inspiration to him (well, some days!). He believes that walking beside me will "infect" him with some of what he sees as my virtue. While I'm not fully comfortable with his view of me (because I live in my skin and I'm oh-so-familiar with my weakness), I have come to accept that his view of me does not hurt him (he does not "idolize" me...he sees also my weaknesses), and if it helps him, it's fine by me (mostly!). Don't know if that's helpful or not....just what I "heard" when I tried to put myself in your shoes.
I was very sorry to read how very much we seem to echo each other on some emotional levels. Thank you for sharing some of that hard stuff. (HUGS) J
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Post by whoami on Oct 12, 2007 10:18:40 GMT -5
My hackles rose a bit at his saying this to you, for a couple of reasons... 1. In sanon I was made sure of my powerless over his addiction; that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.... (It might be just my skewed and jaded thinking, but I was afraid that statement might be putting too much of the burden of his recovery on you) Also, I can remember sitting tearfully in a therapist's office while both he and H explained to me that my love for H, and his for me was not enough to change his behavior. (This might sound like an understatement, but at that time, I really connected to that reality...and your H's comment that your strength will help him just triggered that memory for me.....) 2. Altho your strength is a GOOD thing, I want you to have permission to feel your feelings...which might include feeling weak at times! I don't want you to feel "expected to be strong" no matter what. My thinking just might be too cynical here, but I just felt some concern about his dependancy (co dependancy?) on you. Take this with a grain of salt! I haven't prayed yet this morning, but you're on that list! I hope this is a good day for you. If you see that peshel little girl today, give her a hug from me too! -Who-
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 12, 2007 10:48:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for your comments about B getting strt all of you wrote made sense. B believes that I am so virtuous- he has always wanted me to remain practically virginal in many respects. It also makes sense, because when he was trying to recover on his own, he knew that I had been filled with the Holy Spirit, but he hadn't been able to receive it himself. Maybe it is co-dependent, LU. Sometimes it is likehe believes that I am the "pure" part of himself. The part that he can look at as being good, and the part that he can control in that way.( This is his way of percieving me, not mine)
Grace- I didn't react when he was telling me how I felt, but I have noticed that everyone around regularly assigns feelings to me. Maybe it is because they realize that I don't do it for myself.
This morning when B called, I told him that I was a little down. He immediately told me that it was because I am worried about the money, and that the Lord is in control, and that everything is going to be o.k. and then he prayed for me to have peace with the situation. I didn't correct him, aqnd tell him that I was down because couldn't sleep because I had been thinking of when I had been raped when I was 14. It came to mind because my granddaughter is the same age that I was when it happened, and I was just as innocent as she is, and my innocence was taken from me at that moment. I had gotten a summer babysitting job for a young divorcee who was a waitress, and who had an eight month old son. I rarely saw her, because when she wasn't working she was at the bar. One night, I put the baby to bed, and then took a long bubble bath, and put a little white cotton nightie on, and went to bed. It was about 100 degrees, and no air conditioner. I was awakened as I was being strangled by an arm across my throat, as someone was forcing himself into me. I was fighting, and trying to breathe, but couldn't do anything until he was finished with me. Then he got up, pulled on his pants, and as he left, I saw his face in the light from the hall. I got up, locked the door as I heard him flush from the bathroom across the hall. I wiped the blood onto the nightie, threw on clothes, picked up my things that were handy, and when he went outside, I climbed out the window and ran home. No one asked me what happened, or why my neck was purple. My boss never called. I was totally alone. And of course I saw the rapist and found out who he was- a recently returned decorated vietnam vet- the town's hero! Just a few minutes, and my whole life was changed.
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 12, 2007 16:58:38 GMT -5
Whoami-
Thank you for your input on this. I should also tell you ( and I felt bad about this ) that B told me first thing, that he wasn't quitting for me. He knew he couldn't because he had already tried that, and that reason didn't give him the power he needed. He said that he is quitting because it is a sin against God. And my B wasn't connecting to the Holy Spirit because of it. He was quitting because it made him feel dirty and evil. He believes that if he uses the power given to him from the Lord, for healing, everything else would fall into place.(meaning me, and our marriage. One thing I will say, is that he is totally commited to the lord. It is like he was trying to follow a map to burried treasure, but the S/A kept him from finding his way, but the scales have been lifted from his eyes, and he sees clearly now, and now he is a Child of God with all the benefits that are included. I love this circle and all of you Sunshine
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 12, 2007 17:07:25 GMT -5
B called me today and told me that he stopped for lunch at a burrito bar where we had eaten 5 or 6 times lately. It is always really busy- with lines clear out the door. My H is on a diet, and he loves their salad, so he bought two, and when he got up to pay, the manager asked him where his wife was. My H said that I couldn't come,(especially because he's in Colorado, and I'm in Montana) then the manager said he would only charge for one salad, thinking he was giving me a free one. I am wondering how, as busy as the place is, that he would even remember me, a 59 year old granny!
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 13, 2007 13:10:31 GMT -5
I don't know why, because I don't tell anyone about B's S/A problem, but this morning I shared this with a close friend. Our friend then told me that another really good friend had done a testimony at our Texas church group about the same problem, and that he had tried to find help the same way B had- from a pastor, while being a great man of the Word, doesn't have a clue about this addiction. The funny thing is that this friend and his wife were the ones who introduced us to the church where we became saved!
I cannot help but believe that this is our Father's way to help our friend. B attends a 12 step program, and I'm sure that our friend doesn't know about them and the support they give. This is so wonderful, because our friend and B talk on the phone alot while they are traveling, and maybe they can be accountable to each other.
I talked to B on the phone a little while ago. He said that he knows how hard he was struggling for years, but that all desire for the trash has been taken from him- that he cannot explain it, but he is rejoicing in the freedom from it, and he wants to use it to glorify God.
Please, Father, don't let my pride, and my need to keep up the picture of the phony perfect life, stand in the way of B's testimony. Give me strength to be honest, and Father, use me- Father, send me- In the Name of Jesus Christ
All For His Glory Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 13, 2007 13:40:01 GMT -5
Wow! It sounds like God had layers of reasons you opened up to that specific lady. I'm glad God may use you to help the other couple. God is so good. Praise God!
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 13, 2007 20:52:53 GMT -5
I echo LU's amen and praise for what happened today.
I also send love to you, the child who was raped. I shuddered to read what you wrote, and I wrap you in prayer this morning, when I first read it, and again tonight, when I had a fire burning. For me, there is something cleansing about fire. How it hurts me to read what you were reliving when your husband sensed your sadness, but spoke to the wrong cause. I walk beside you in faith, and in hope. You're an incredible woman. J
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 14, 2007 16:39:03 GMT -5
LU and Mayberry-
Thank you for your caring and your prayers.
Tonight I am going to do The Child in You to heal from what happened to me that stole my childhood, and changed the course of my life. This has been weighing heavily on my heart, and I realize that only my Heavenly Father and I can heal this pain. H can say he is sorry about it, but it really doesn't change it, because I don't need words, I need to crawl in someone's lap, and cry. I need someone to tell me that I wasn't responsible, even though I know I wasn't. How could I have been- I was sound asleep. I didn't even know the man.
The funny thing is that a few weeks after it happened, I saw the man who did it and, he didn't even know who I was . He was probably too drunk to remember, and probably didn't even enjoy what he stole from me that left such a scarred, broken young girl.
I have to forgive what happened, so that I can forget. And the only way I can is to deal with it on my own.
Sunshine
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Post by Sunshine on Oct 15, 2007 17:21:18 GMT -5
Well, last night didn't work out as I had planned. It seems as if something is going to keep me focused elsewhere.
I talked to my sister this morning, and shared with her about B's porn problem, and his S/A addiction. I told her the whole thing, including how he has been unfaithful to me the whole time we have been married. She was shocked, and really saddened by the whole thing, but also shared that she believes that her son is also ensnared by the same sin.
I shared with her, because basically she was telling me about our sister's depression, and then she also said that she struggles with unhappiness and jealousy, both of them being jealous of my life, and how I am always happy, and that I have such a wonderful, caring H. She has told me in the past about how she envies me because B really goes for the gold, while her H is content with the status quo. I had to tell her that I struggle too, and that I have heartache and sadness like everyone else.
This was a hard thing for me to do. I have had alot of pride in the fact that, inspite of who I was, and where I came from, I had managed to have a good marriage, and a good home to raise my children in.
This is only the beginning of the battle against this evil. I want to be careful that I don't give the impression that I am a Pollyanna in this situation. I do believe what B tells me, because of his reason for quitting, and because in spite of everything, I know him. I know this sounds ignorant, because if I knew him so well, why didn't I figure out what was going on. The difference is the Lord, and his influence over B. He shows me over and over that his heart is with God, and it is not in a "pulling the wool over my eyes" kind of way. My eyes are wide open, and I won't be a fool again, and I know B wouldn't want me to. He has said over and over that he doesn't want to go back there again, with the lying and the stress.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 15, 2007 19:58:51 GMT -5
Sunshine: You don't sound ignorant in the LEAST to me. I too believe in deep sea changes in folks. It's part of why I struggle with the addiction-language I think; for me, once the critical sea change has happened in someone, I hold the feeling that "slips" and "relapses" and such are very dim possibilities on the horizon. So, if you're ignorant, I'm right in there with you, really.
If you were here with me tonight, I'd take you out on the Ohio River in the canoe, under the crescent moon, and we'd row over to a little island. There's an assortment of particularly good rocks there. I'd encourage you to do what I sometimes do when I have trouble giving over a particular grief to the Divine...I pick a rock, and I hold it (for as long as it takes, sometimes days) and I try to "invest" the rock with all my anger and grief and pain and anxiety over a particular thing that I've been trying to "give over to God" for healing and yet keep taking back. When I sense that I am really ready to give it over, I throw the rock into the river and then I thank God for taking the problem and not allowing me to have it back. Childish? Perhaps. But I am a very literal person, and it is a technique of "letting go and giving to God" that has helped me a great deal this year. I suspect I will be doing some more of that in/during these exercises I am doing right now in my own life to FEEL, GRIEVE and HEAL.
I love you, and I wish I were there to walk beside you right now. I am glad for what I read as some healing with your sister. I know what a hard thing that must have been for you, and I am proud of you. J
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Post by whoami on Oct 15, 2007 22:18:11 GMT -5
The Lord makes ALL the difference when it comes to addictions, and Sunshine, I don't think you sound ignorant about this either. On the contrary! Please don't worry about coming across like a Pollyanna, you aren't! You can shout it from the rooftops that you have a strong belief in your H, and in God's intervention and protection. It is a GOOD thing! It might be an all too rare thing, especially when it comes to reading here on the board, but that doesn't mean that real recovery can't happen...or that SOs can't learn to trust again.
You have such painful things to heal from, in addition to the healing a SO needs. It is good to hear you opened up with your sister, and now she can understand that you've had heartache and sorrow too. IMO she needed to know this. I'm sorry it was hard for you, but I know my sister and I have grown even closer since I shared this "shame" with her. She used to say she was jealous of me too, tho I've never known what in the world for!
And tho I'm sure it's God's leading that has you focused elsewhere than where you planned to be, I know he will bring you around to the places of healing that you need to be. I will keep praying that there is room for that in your busy life. {{{{{Sunshine!!}}}}}
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