|
Post by Sunshine on Sept 25, 2007 8:15:31 GMT -5
I know that as a believer, I shouldn't describe myself in these terms, but it is the perfect description. I am a Libra- the sign of the scales, always searching for balance- always trying to make things perfect, trying to bring everything into peaceful harmony. I have always been the peacemaker. I try to look at both sides of issues, and then try to come to an understanding that is agreeable to everyone. And through this, I have come to realize that I am no master communicator. Because I need to keep the peace, I don't say what I really need, or what I really want, or what I really think. My H is a S/A- one who really lived in his addiction. To tell the truth, I don't have a clue about what he has actually done.. I was told in "headline" form the "truth", but wasn't able to have any questions that were on my heart answered. He said that he doesn't want to think about the things he's done. He is in recovery. He doesn't want to hurt me any more. Everything is all new now. We have to go forward and forget the past. We have to concentrate on making our marriage better. These are the answers that I got when I asked questions. I am so easily manipulated by him. Maybe this is the price I must pay for the peace I think I need.
|
|
|
Post by isopeace on Sept 25, 2007 8:43:08 GMT -5
(((((sunshine))))) I'm in no position to give advice, and this isn't even the place for it..so I won't..I'll just offer a hug. I just wanted to say that I hope you find the peace you are searching for. It's the ultimate goal of my search as well. I hope that your H comes to a point in his recovery that he can answer your questions with complete truth. I'm sorry that he isn't there yet. I know how hard it is to have questions left unanswered. The truth may hurt, alot, but IMO, it can't be worse then what our mind creates as "truth" when we really don't have the real answers, ya know? Keep journaling. Hopefully it will bring you towards the peace you need. *hugs* Isopeace
|
|
|
Post by tootrue on Sept 25, 2007 9:29:38 GMT -5
I think that many addicts truly want to do what they say in these types of conversations you are describing that you've had with your husband.....that may be what they want...but being able to actually give that and offer it within a relationship isn't always something they are capable of doing without a lot of hard work, determination and accountability. And yet you are right to question and begin to see that while there are often two sides to every story and seeking balance in life is right in so many instances, in dealing with addiction, it doesn't always apply because the other person is not able to be balanced because they lack boundaries or are unable to avoid crossing other people's boundaries. I think that many women have found a lot of peace in setting their own boundaries....not for their partners...but for themselves... through this and in that they can create balance.
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Sept 26, 2007 10:23:09 GMT -5
HOW I FOUND OUT
I am an early riser- often at 4:00 or so. I love the peace and quiet of the morning. I drink my coffee from a cup given to me by a special friend. It is covered with little red hearts that say I love you- kiss, kiss, hugs, and so on. She gave it to me one day when I was sick with the flu, and she brought me chicken soup, and the cup filled with chocolate kisses. I would read the Bible, meditate, talk with my heavenly Father, and just start my day with my quiet time. My DH would also get up early, but would take his coffee out to the office, which was located some distance from the house. Then I would call him when breakfast was ready. Discovery day was a stormy day with lots of thunder and heavy rain. B left his cell phone in the house, and he received an important call a little after 7:am. I debated whether to take a message or not, but decided to take him the phone. I ran, in my robe, across the yard to the office. The rain was so heavy on the metal roof that he did not hear me come. The truth of the matter is that I did not see what was on the computer screen. I also did not see what he was doing, but the shocked look on his face said volumes. I handed him his phone, and left him sitting there in the dark. He came in a little later. I was sitting in my chair, facing the window and the storm, with my back to the room. He came to me, and said that he was so sorry. I asked him what he was doing, and he said that he had a problem. I told him that he had more than a problem.
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Sept 26, 2007 18:11:32 GMT -5
My DH had to leave town for an out of town job the day after I found out. During the first month that he was gone, I cleaned everything, inside and out. I worked from sunup to dark, not going anywhere or talking to anyone, except to B on the phone. We had lots of level one discussions, and lots of silences on the phone.
One evening, my aunt, who is a counsellor, called me and invited me out for breakfast the next morning. I didn't want to see her, or anyone. In the middle of the night, I was sitting and crying, and then I just cried out to the Lord, asking "why?". I was in such pain, and I sobbed and sobbed, and a wee small voice said to me "you have been praying for COMPLETE healing, and there can be no complete healing without this" It was true. For the past three months I had been praying daily for B's complete healing.
My aunt came the next morning, and I told her everything. She comforted me, and allowed me to talk about all the things I was feeling. One thing really helped me, and that was the knowledge that the man who had gotten into this was not the same man I am married to today, because now he knows the Lord, and he wants to live a holy life in accordance with God's will.
A few days before B came home, he asked me how I was doing, and I said"fine"(level 1 ) as usual, and then he asked me again, and I said the same thing again. He asked me again, and I said "ok. I am afraid of how I will feel when I see you. You are a stranger to me. I don't know you any more.
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Sept 26, 2007 18:32:36 GMT -5
Then B said to me that he was sorry about everything, and that all he knows is that he loves me, and that together, we can overcome this problem, and that what we will have a better marriage because for the first time in our lives, there will be no secrets, and the poison that his S/A has put into our lives will be overcome, with the help of our Heavenly Father.
Things have been really good since he came home. He goes to his 12 step group, and is thankful for their support. He doesn't use the internet at all, and won't even go into the office unless I am in there. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me.
We pray together,twice a day, on our knees, asking for blessings on our marriage, strength to ward of temptation, forgiveness for our sins, and we pray before we make love that it be without lust, and that it be as a holy sacrifice to our Father who created us in his image. And after we make love, we thank Him for giving us the special blessing of making love. This has increased our satisfaction beyond what we could ever imagine.
B has been S/A M/P free for a little over 100 days. So far, he says he has not been tempted, but we know this may change, and he has an escape plan in mind. We have not been separated since he got back, I am with him on the job now, but next week he will take me home, and then he will be gone about one month. I pray for him to be strong, and to not fall into the pit again-
Sunshine
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Sept 28, 2007 1:04:47 GMT -5
GOOD DAY_ SUNSHINE!
Yesterday was a good day. DH and I made a round trip from Denver to Pueblo. We spent the day together, and just enjoyed each other's company,
There is a problem looming, tho. I go home in one more week, and DH will be on his own. He says he doesn't think he will have a problem, and I pray he is right. He has been pure around 107 days. Not bad considering he has been a S/A for over 40 years.
Time for bed-
Sunshine
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Sept 28, 2007 8:19:46 GMT -5
Sunshine: I am just now reading your journal for the first time. Thank you for sharing all of this here. It's one of the (sometimes bitter?) blessings I've found...how much we can learn from each other. Here are some questions in my head after reading your journal. I don't know that they're the questions that *you* need to hear, but if any of them are helpful, great, and if not, that's cool too. How much are you fretting about this impending time apart? How much are you able to share that fretting with your husband? What is he and what are you doing during your remaining time together to come to a plan to stay connected/honest/communicative during the month apart? And, a question that came to me as I read your first post on your journal: Is there any way you can work on the questions you feel you didn't ask or weren't answered by your husband? Through drafting a list and PM-ing it or sharing it for feedback on the Circle or in another thread or exploring them first your journal? Hijack on: [trigger]I found the time where I had TONS of questions and felt like I was getting "not enough" answers from my husband to be the most maddening part of this journey, for me. Both journaling and feedback from others helped me find what questions I really *did* need answered for my health and sanity post (final) D-day. This continues to be an area of great care for me (I have different questions now, questions about "what is" rather than "what was")...and a delicate balance between finding my own health and not controlling my H's recovery (or ripping into him). That said, there are still going to be times when I have questions, and I'm struggling to find the best way to work through to being able to ask the questions I need to ask without doing damage to myself or my husband in the asking. It's tough, for me.[/trigger] Hijack off I hope these questions from me don't land as intrusive...perhaps they will be a springboard to you finding/exploring your own questions for yourself? This is where the forum seems difficult to me often--questions that might flow naturally in a conversation between two friends end up looking a lot like a big "to-do" list when typed in response to a post! I am holding you in prayer today. J
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Oct 1, 2007 10:14:54 GMT -5
Mayberry- Your questions and insight are really helpful to me, and I am trying to work through things in my head. My H and I spend lots of time together, but we do not communicate at all. This is not only his fault. I will ask him a question, he gives me an answer, and then I let it go, instead of continuing on with the discussion. It is because I am so conditioned to keeping the peace that i am almost unable to ask things that are even the slightest bit uncomfortable. I told him in the past that I want some answers to questions that I have, and he said that we can go to some kind of councilling together, and if it is agreed that it is safe to do so, he will tell me what I need to know. I have noticed that whenever he feels that I am really upset about something, and he feels that he cannot deal with it,he calls my aunt to help me through it, instead of dealing with it himself. I asked him the other day how he is going to handle things when I go home, and he said that he doesn't think there will be a problem, because so far he hasn't had any desire for anything. He said that he will talk to me on the phone, and that he will be in contact with his S/A people, and he will not have the internet. and that he will just wait until he comes home.
Sunshine
|
|
|
Post by Sunshine on Oct 1, 2007 11:53:13 GMT -5
There is Something Bothering Me-
I talked to DH the other day, and he told me that with my strength, he is going to be victorious over his addiction. He said that he has always known that Iam strong, and tho I don't know it, he has always known it. I remembered that many posting here to my threads have expressed the same opinion. John G had wondered what it is that allows some people to move past traumatic events in their lives, while others struggle to move past them. Something has really been bothering me since my DH told me that he has sex with my "friend". It was my lack of emotion about it. It was like I wanted to be upset about it, but I didn"t know how. And I have come to the realization that I don't think I ever have any real feelings about anything. Even this S/A stuff. I did cry out to the Lord once about it, when It seemed almost too much for me, but then I immediately moved on, mostly trying to find out information about it- almost a clinical kind of response. I realized that this has been going on since I was a little child. Traumatic events are remembered as headlines- but all the details are not remembered in my mind. I read in some S/A literature about being in a bubble, and that is how my life is. The bubble was my protection from all the abuse I endured , and I have lived in this bubble my whole life. All I cared about was that nothing rocked the boat. That my children lived a perfect life. I didn't see what was going on with my husband, subconsciously, because it was something I couldn't deal with. I don't ask questions because I don't know how to deal with the answers. Strong is not the right word for this. I am not sure where to go from here. This is almost more than I know how to deal with. This is much more of a problem then my DH and his addiction. It is a problem that is shaking the very foundation of who I am, and even if I am a real person at all.
Even my daughter-in law. She told me that whenever she has a problem she comes to me because I see things so clearly. Perhaps this is because no emotions are involved when I see a problem. It is only to find the solution, and then fix the problem. Does this make me less human? less caring? I don't know. This blows my mind.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Oct 1, 2007 12:35:47 GMT -5
I finally found time to read your journal - and I'm so glad I did. I am so impressed with many things you are doing. Especially praying together before and after you make love. It's encouraging to me that your husband has turned his life over to God and wants to live holy. I'm praying for that day to happen in my life. I can relate to the emotionless life, too. I lived there for 50 years. I could "stage" emotions to manipulate others or protect myself; but I didn't feel my own or know how to express them. Counseling really helped me. She whipped out this chart with about 200 emotions with facial expressions that I would learn to feel and express. It totally overwhelmed me and I felt that I shut down more. Then I read a book (don't remember which one) that recommended learning to recognize Glad, Mad, Sad and Afraid. I told her about that and that I was working to recognize those four. She seemed a bit baffled but said to give it a try - after a while (months or a year) I started more consistently recognizing my emotions and even nuances of emotions - so I could then say I felt irritated instead of mad and recognize the difference. I'm learning emotions are very practical things. They give me warning so I can stop an analyze what's happening and how I can respond better without reacting after reality hits. Sometimes I miss the practicality of living mentally - but I'm starting to see life other than black and white - and those shades of gray are getting beautiful rainbow hues which comes from emotions. Although I don't agree with her theology or her pushing same-sex relationships, I found a lot of healing and understanding from the book "Women, Sex and Addiction" by Charlotte Davis Kasl. I moved some parts from my journal to a thread: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=Partners&action=display&thread=1143451179 It might give you an idea if you'd want to read that book. I certainly understand your concerns about being apart for a month. I struggle with even going to church and leaving my husband alone for a couple hours! It is hard to let go and trust God in these circumstances. I am slowly learning to trust God and my boundaries to keep me safe. Your husband's reply to your concerns seemed so factual and not very empathetic of the fear you're having or informative of his proactive steps if he has temptation. I understand about asking a question and accepting a minimal response. I do that a lot because my husband either ignores my questions or gives minimal answers - so I've trained myself to not ask. The not knowing is less painful then feeling invisible. I am learning to state my truth like my counselor taught me: "I feel <emotion> when you do <behavior>." I'm learning to respond to him with "You sound <emotion>." This helps me connect with my emotions, learn empathy for his and hopefully learn to create an atmosphere where we can learn to communicate more effectively. I'll hold you both up in prayer. LookingUp
|
|
|
Post by whoami on Oct 1, 2007 19:02:14 GMT -5
Hello Sunshine!
Thank you for what you wrote today, I'm glad you got this out. I can understand that bubble you feel you've been living in, and why it would be bothering you. It makes perfect sense that the bubble was formed as protection, and as a result of the trauma in your childhood. It could be caused by some other things as well, and I've been thinking about that a lot today.
This doesn't make you less human, it probably even makes you MORE caring. But it can't be good for you, and it's not fair you can't feel safe (IF that's the case) to have reactions, feelings and emotions that are appropriate for the situations. The good AND the bad. I feel for you in your discovering and grappling with this.
I see you as being so loving and caregiving, you have moved out of yourself in order to care better for others, do you think this could be part of this?
My sister has expressed similar feelings to me. She has not had a traumatic life at all, but when my mom died when she was young, I know it hurt her that she couldn't grieve "properly," like the rest of us. (Me, I was always an emotional volcano, but less so these days, which also draws me to your post). A good cry is a good release, as you know and are no doubt missing. And like with all things, balance is what we seek, neither extreme feels healthy.
I've thought today, about how many things might contribute to this lack of emotion, also. Surely environment is key, but maybe it comes thru genes too, even our cultural heritage maybe. Thing is tho, I know the emotions are there, they are just suppressed, and like you said, you don't know HOW to feel the emotions that are in there deep inside.
I think it's great you have journaled this, and in doing I think some insight might float your way (I know it already has in the post above!) Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and will pray about this. PS, I almost forgot one of my major thoughts...your H saying that thru your strength, he knows he'll be victorious.....I will want to explore this with you sometime soon. (Or tell me to hush up if ya need to!) It's all just MHO.
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Oct 2, 2007 6:19:12 GMT -5
I don't know if this will speak to you, dear one, but take a read:
"Underlying nearly all other problems of grown-up abused children, and certainly related to the lack of trust, is an inability to identify emotions and express, or "own" one's feelings. Perhaps the most common way of handling emotions is to deny their existence. Many of these adults claim never to feel anger, resentment, hostility or their opposites such as joy, happiness, warmth, and closeness to others." ("Grown-Up Abused Children" (Leehan & Pistone Wilson) as quoted in "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Steven Farmer: I *highly* recommend the Farmer book as half of it is actual EXERCISES to try to address issues of healing as an adult.)
I saw a lot of myself in your post. I am the Rock around here (my home, my work). I am The Person People Turn To. I can (still, after many years of working on this) discard/not recognize/not take time for the emotions that are really there SO FAST IT'S NOT FUNNY in order to move quickly and (mercy-lessly) effortlessly into SOLVE THAT CRISIS! mode. Is someone shot? No problem! Is someone else's world falling apart? I can help! Got a problem? Come on in and sit down.
I have often described my mind as being a lot like graph-paper (and it is...lots of little boxes...lots of straight lines and relatively smooth movements between Point A and Point B). I have come to realize that my mind is a lot like graph-paper when I deal with situations and problems that do not "summon" much emotion from me. What is much harder (and the part I have to actually work hard at, YUCK!) is when I fall into the belief that I'm not actually feeling very much, I'm just "dealing with a problem" and the TRUTH, the FULL TRUTH, is that if I don't go into "save the day" mode, I actually start to feel a whole lot of scary things that might disturb the peace. Anger. Resentment. GRIEF (that's a big one for me). Frustration. Discontent. Impatience.
Here's the conundrum (for me, I speak only for me): In order to become an authentic human, I can't live life on the problem-solving mode. Those feelings, and learning to express them, are what help me have true and authentic connection to others. I have had friends (particularly in my 20's) who ditched me, I now realize, because (insert drum roll here) our friendship was out of balance. I didn't LET them be my friend. I didn't talk about what I was feeling...or struggling with. I just was The Rock "for them." This dynamic is (essentially, truthfully) a FALSE one, and it leads to the friend feeling "always at a loss", "weaker", "not really a good friend 'cause it's always about me." The sad realization for me was that I INSISTED that our friendships be that way. I didn't know any better (at that point in my life). I'm trying to change that now. I'm trying to learn to let people help me; to give them power in our friendship dynamic. For me, I'm starting to come to a place where it's rather like "Peace be damned. The peace I'm trying to enforce is FAKE. There's no place for me in this peace to FULLY BE human. I present you (my friend, my lover) with an inherently false view of who I am when I shut off my emotions. Real peace will come between us as we learn to keep each other company AS WE BOTH TRULY ARE."
I don't know if you'll find any of my experience/thinking out loud helpful. I *do* strongly recommend the Farmer book. And I hold you in my thoughts and prayers. J
|
|
|
Post by gracebyfaith on Oct 2, 2007 9:19:29 GMT -5
I commend your faith in your H, and I too pray that he doesn't have a problem staying clean...that the Lord has taken this away from him for good.
I think it's amazing that you have made such realizations about yourself through discovering your H's PA - and perhaps some great good will come out of this tough situation - I've had some harsh realizations about my own character as well, and I pray that we'll come out the other side, stronger...that we are being molded more in the likeness of Christ. My prayers are with you and your H.
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Oct 8, 2007 5:12:46 GMT -5
Sunshine: Is is *really* your birthday today? If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (does the happy birthday song & dance). Wishing you well in the year ahead! J
|
|