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Post by LookingUp on Nov 3, 2007 13:48:02 GMT -5
Today I feel like there is no hope of ever finding out the truth about my life. Please remember ALL things are possible with God. Your husband being truthful - falls under the category of ALL things. I'd feel like an outsider in the marriage if my husband could share things with others and not with me. In fact, I did feel like an outsider because he use to discusses some things with his adult daughter and then tell me the unilateral decision they made for our marriage. I took the marriage vow - I want to be treated like a viable member of our two-some. Eventually he heard me and his daughter's ideas are out of the equation unless we both agree to invite her into our marriage. He seldom makes unilateral decisions any more - when he does, I gently call him on it - even if he chose something that I would agree with; he had still disregarded me and my input which is not kosher. I found a lot of healing in Carnes. I realized my husband was not doing it to shame, belittle, or hurt me - I realized it was not because of any faults or inadequacy in me. Hearing a "professional" discuss the reasons for it - really gave me freedom to not feel responsible for his bad choices. I agree, his past choices were not about you. But his present choices of not discussing it have a LOT to do with whether or not you'll heal. THat's where I would say, 'You're entitled to your opionion, dear; however, I'm entitled to mine. As long as you treat me superfluous to the marriage, I can not trust you nor can I heal more then on a superficial level. If you choose to live the rest of your life with a woman who is in too much pain by your refusal to talk so she cannot connect with you on a deep emotional level, a woman who does not trust you because of your refusal to be fully honest, then that is your choice. I pray some day you will be able to confess to me so I can heal." of "How can I forgive you and move on if I don't know what I'm forgiving you for?" Possibly consistently stating your truth when he gives you that selfish answer is the way to melt down that brick wall of defenses he's built. DO you have access to his sponsor? Does his sponsor know he hasn't confessed to you? If so, what's his opinion? I had a lady pastor who often said, "When the pain of change is less then the pain of change - then we change." At times I feel my "goal" is to be a burr under my husband's saddle. Make him so uncomfortable by repeatedly and gently stating my truth - that he'll choose to be motivated by that - just to get me off his case. I think of the parable where the man kept bothering his neighbor in the middle of the night for bread - so the man gave the bread - not out of generosity but out of importunity. Things may not change as quickly as you hope; but it doesn't mean you're powerless. What boundaries and consequences do you have to help encourage him to speak his truth and give you what YOU need to heal? "Honey, I feel very unsafe that you will tell others what you did when you acted out but not tell me that I don't know if I'll get over it and heal; therefore, I will sleep in the spare room until I feel safe again." <or not fix meals, or not .........> Of course, my husband fixes his own meals, does our laundry, sleeps solo - so I have almost no leverage to encourage him to do the right thing and tell me. All I have is gently pounding away with my truth when the opportunity presents itself. I don't know if I was much help, but just empathizing with you because I know we're going through so many of the same reticence issues. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Nov 4, 2007 12:22:43 GMT -5
My friend, I am saddened and angry your H has blocked himself from sharing the truth with you. I don't know if his meetings are SA, SAA, SLAA...but to my knowledge, none of them have "telling all to the spouses" as a requirement for membership. (Even tho, IMO, they SHOULD.) I know that there were some in SA who advised my H to not come clean with me, some who said "maybe later" and some whose wives didn't even know about their addictions AT ALL. I'm thinking it's possible B might be getting some less than sane advice from members who also feel that not being truthful is the path of least resistance...and suits THEM. But also thinking there are others there who realize that is not a healty "core belief." IMO, it is still dishonesty, a sin of omission, and simply wrong. I'm sorry I can't sugar coat it more, but it just hits where I live, ya know? I'm so sorry for what this does to you. You should not have to be sliding around on crap. I think you know what my prayers are on this (they are pretty darn willful on your behalf ) but I will strive to pray that God's will be done in your life (not mine, or B's, but Gods) and with the knowledge that you so deserve peace and joy, and truth. Love You, L.
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AmazingGrace
Full Member
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like ME.
Posts: 130
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Post by AmazingGrace on Nov 4, 2007 15:17:20 GMT -5
Sunshine-- This is the first time I've stopped by your journal, but I feel like I have a sense of where you are and what you're most struggling with right now--your husband's willingness to be open and honest with you about the past. Both of you are Christians (If I recall correctly, I think B has been wanting to share something about being "released" from the prison of p with the church). I would highly suggest reading "Love and Respect" as a couple. The book shares (and I agree completely) that for a woman to feel loved, her husband needs to be Close, Open, Understanding, a Peace-maker, Loyal, and to Esteem her. Your husband's unwillingness to be Open with you is an unloving act. Openness doesn't come naturally to men, but women need it. I wish your husband could understand that his being closed off from you is a choice that stands in the way of the intimacy God wants for you in your marriage. My husband thought we were happier before (when I didn't know). But since his disclosure, since he's shared the bad parts of himself with me, fully knowing I could reject him for them, my love for him is so much deeper than it used to be. Guess I just need to pray for your husband that he will realize closing off this part of his life from you is about as painful for you as his having kept it a secret from you before. For your healing to occur, the secrecy needs to stop. And yes, it's going to be painful for both of you. It will hurt him to hurt you. It will hurt you to know the truth. But with honesty will come intimacy. My two cents, anyways. I'm praying for you as I write--but I just want to caution you. Taking this information (the "Open" thing) and confronting your husband with it will probably not get the result you are hoping for. I would suggest reading the Love and Respect book and initiating change in your marriage by beginning to do the things that will help your husband feel respected and therefore motivating him towards loving behavior towards you. In my past experience, "demanding" things from my husband never resulted the way I wanted it to. It was only when I responded to advice from scripture--"Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands" that anything good & growing has occurred in my marriage. Rambling on--but I've a goal of visiting all of the journals of those in our circle today. Becky
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 4, 2007 16:16:36 GMT -5
I can agree 100% that the book, "Love and REspect" is great. I applied some of the principles from that book and it really helped. I loaned it to a young lady in our church married 3 years (no major marriage problems) and within a couple weeks they had the marriage she'd always dreamed of - she returned the book with tears in her eyes. To read a bit more about it - here's their site: www.loveandrespect.com/ Their nagivation is difficult for me: Go to "Learn" Go to "The Crazy Cycle" Go to "The Marriage Book and the Diet Book" A little pop-up comes up - then at the bottom of each pop-up, you have to press the "next" button..... keep pressing next until there ain't no more next's! LOL. He also has some free articles on his site to read. This article is where my marriage is stuck: www.loveandrespect.com/content/article.php?aid=71&cat=1 - him withholding truth and words. LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 6, 2007 7:07:05 GMT -5
Sunshine: Just stopping by to remind you that you're loved. I'm glad to see the tenor of the replies shifting toward the positive; I think AmazingGrace posts some particularly good ideas and I found myself further regretting my outburst of anger against your husband. I hope I did not hurt you or encourage you to negativity. If I did, please accept my apologies. I am holding you in prayer. J
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 13, 2007 14:16:32 GMT -5
Hello, Sunshine! Emerging from my little cave of strep throat to wave hello at you on your journal. I am holding you in thought and prayer--I know you're under incredible pressure right now (if only business-wise)--and love, always love. J
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 13, 2007 20:14:17 GMT -5
Hi. How are you doing? Been thinking of you.
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AmazingGrace
Full Member
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like ME.
Posts: 130
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Post by AmazingGrace on Nov 14, 2007 17:03:24 GMT -5
Just stopping by. I'm sure your busy with business. I should SO be sewing or knitting or writing patterns or taking photos instead of reading and posting. But I'm not. Becky
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 14, 2007 19:13:50 GMT -5
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, praying for you and miss you.
LookingUp
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Post by Sunshine on Nov 14, 2007 19:49:25 GMT -5
Hi LU, Grace, Mayberry, Who-
I can hardly think. Thank you all for thinking about me and for your prayers. Maybe I will get time to visit your journals tomorrow.
Sunshine
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Post by Sunshine on Nov 26, 2007 13:12:01 GMT -5
It has finally come to me- the reason why I never saw what B was doing. I remember night after night, pacing the floor worrying about him, because he was an alcoholic, and he often stopped to drink on the way home. his jobs were always the type where he would set his own hours, so I never knew when he was working. And they involved lots of driving.
I would picture him in the ditch, hurt, or in the hospital or dead. I often called the police to see if he had been in an accident. I would be so frantic, that when he would get home and he was not hurt, I would be so thankful that I didn't even think about where he had been. This was because my mother was killed in a car accident- by a drunk on the wrong side of the road when I was 19 years old, and then 6 months later my brother, who was 21 was a passinger in a car driven by a drunk driver , also died in another alcohol related accident. Losing both my mom and my brother that way made me worry about B so much that I saw nothing else. I can only say that this breaks my heart even more.
Sunshine
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Post by mo4wo1 on Nov 26, 2007 13:26:35 GMT -5
Sunshine,
I was reading through the recent posts and so yours. I hope it's okay that I post, here, to you. If not, I will gladly erase it for you. No problem.
But I just wanted to say that I think your realization, your experience of it... it is awesome, in the truest sense. I am awe-struck when I see another person make the connections, even when they are painful ones.
Bless you. And may your journey through this & yourself be a blessed one.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 26, 2007 15:19:23 GMT -5
Sunshine,
When I was with ex1 (alcoholic, drug-addict SA), I can remember being so happy that he came home and wasn't dead with a needle in his arm, in jail or dead from staggering in front of a bus - that even if he admitted to having been out screwing around that I was still happy he was alive. Realizing I was in that place befuddles me now.
I'm sorry you lost two people you loved by alcohol related deaths ((((((((((((((((( Sunshine )))))))))))))))
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 26, 2007 16:19:54 GMT -5
Walking nearby you, Sunshine. Your last post made perfect sense to me but, sister, I am so sorry for the heartbreak the realization brought in its wake. I'm wrapping you in love and prayer. J
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Post by whoami on Nov 26, 2007 23:39:13 GMT -5
Sunshine, I'm so sorry for your painful realization recently. Like Mo4 said, the connections are so important, but I'm sad for you this has to be so hard. I'm sad you lost your mother and brother in this way, and sad how it relates to your H.
I still don't know why I didn't see it, for so many years...maybe some day I will. But the reasons you didn't see, make such perfect sense. Praying for your hurting heart, Who
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