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Post by Johannes on Dec 4, 2007 22:28:40 GMT -5
Paul,
Making yourself aware of these stresses is the best way I know of avoidng a relapse.
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by rockwell on Dec 5, 2007 14:53:41 GMT -5
Paul,
Keep it up. At this point I need a role model who is successful. You can be one of them.
You are doing very well under your circumstances. And I feel for you. Stay sober because the alternative is not pretty. Thanks for your recent support in my journal.
rockwell
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Post by Paul on Dec 5, 2007 21:16:15 GMT -5
Terrible day during the long ride back with my wife today. I'm -seriously- leaning toward divorce. I've been putting up with raging, yelling and verbal abuse for much of our 15-year marriage. She refuses to get help for her borderline personality disorder.* I can forgive her. I can love her as God's daughter. But I don't think I can take any more of this. Staying clean. Paul *www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
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Post by Paul on Dec 5, 2007 22:13:12 GMT -5
Here's what I posted on my BPD support board just now:
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Post by Johannes on Dec 5, 2007 22:36:05 GMT -5
Paul, I've been spending some time here, trying to formulate a response, but keep deleting (I mean the response, not myself , because my words of advice sound shallow. Bluntly spoken: my gut feeling tells me that divorce would be the right thing to do--and create less guilt than staying in the marriage. In no way do I mean to minimize the pain and guilt you'd feel if you take this step. But, to translate a German proverb: "An end with horror is better than horror without end." (Okay, "horror" is a bad translation of German, "Schrecken") Seriously, I've often felt that you're in a rather codependent situation with your wife--you so deeply fear to not have done all you can to fix the relationship. But that's an infinite loop you're in. There must come a time when you tell yourself, "Enough. I've done what I could." Have you considered that guilt might also lie in continuing a marriage that cannot be salvaged? Oh (expletive), I'm hoping I'm not coming off as naive and detached and stupidly wise. Mainly, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Be well, Johannes
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Post by Paul on Dec 6, 2007 0:31:09 GMT -5
Johannes -- Thanks so much for your care and concern - which mean more to me than your advice which is itself likely very sound. Tomorrow, I'll try to get an appointment with my therapist (whom I haven't seen in six months) and bounce thoughts and feelings off of him. I like your German proverb! "Besser ein Ende mit Schrecken als Schrecken ohne Ende." While I was driving home, I was listening to Patty Griffin songs on my MP3 player. (Are you familiar with her? She's great!) Lines and whole songs were jumping out at me left and right: Paul
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Post by Paul on Dec 6, 2007 18:06:45 GMT -5
The stress is making me long for avoidance techniques - of which P is a usual course (in addition to computer games). It's after 5:00. I don't want to go home. I also don't want to stay at work.
Gotta go home eventually, might as well do it now ...
Give me strength!
Paul
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Post by rockwell on Dec 7, 2007 11:00:51 GMT -5
Paul,
It seems like such and awful situation you are in with your wife. Unless she gets on proper medication to control her moods and her violent outbursts, your marriage is doomed. I am not really comfortable giving advice because I do not know you or your situation fully. But I can throw out an idea.
Tell your wife that if she gets treatment for her disorder, you will support her and stay with her. But if she refuses then you have no choice but to leave and end the marriage. This puts the future in your wife's hands. If you divorce it is her fault because she refused to get the needed help. It is too much of a strain on you to continue in this direction without a remedy.
I am thinking about how stressful this is for you. YOu have been giving and giving and giving and it seems to me that you are way under appreciated in your marriage. And I do not believe for a minute that moving away will make your wife happy. She will not be happy anywhere she goes unless her emotions can be controlled.
Please do not act out to numb the pain because it just makes things worse for you. You have enough to deal with without the guilt and burden of porn. I am praying for you. You have a good heart and you are a good man. But you cannot fix everything. If you are worth it to her, she will agree to get the needed help. If not, you should not feel obligated to stay in an abusive situation.
rockwell
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Post by Paul on Dec 7, 2007 15:36:13 GMT -5
Thanks for your concern and support, Rock.
We're getting along a little better today. However, I can't help but feel right now that this marriage isn't helping either of us. My devotional reading today is about forgiveness, healing and reconciliation. I'd love that if it meant we never went back to hurtful things. I fully admit that I'm a bit co-dependent. I want to fix things, I wonder if she could get by without me, etc. And the BPD literature warns about "hoovering" - where, like a vacuum cleaner, the borderline personality will suck you back into the relationship with affection, vows to change, appeals for sympathy, etc.
All my life I've been susceptible to a woman's tears. I'm not an insensitive person. In fact, I'm glad that I'm sympathetic toward others - even proud of my tender heart. That quality makes either staying in or leaving this marriage all the harder ...
Right now, I feel like I should save any drama for after the holidays. (Is this avoidance? Or a desire to salvage some sacred peace for Christmas?) At any rate, we'll see what happens ...
Worked at my church's food pantry this morning and fed my own soul by serving others whose lives are harder than mine. A college chaplain visited and watched me and I enjoyed speaking with him.
Staying strong and clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Dec 8, 2007 19:35:44 GMT -5
Better still with my wife today who apologized for saying hurtful things to me ...
I don't know where this is going. I want to have a good marriage and when she's her "normal self" we have a great marriage. I talked with her some more about treatment today. We'll see what happens.
Went to the memorial service for our family friend who died the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful event held in view of the river. Lots of people showed up. Lots of stories and laughter.
Happy to say I'm clean today!
Paul
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Post by Paul on Dec 9, 2007 14:02:37 GMT -5
As part of my devotional reading last night, I read Colossians 3:12-14 -- This speaks to me in my recovery, in my marriage, and in how I want the totality of my life to be. I don't want to be a person who divorces his wife in anger, disappointment, frustration, exhaustion. I want healing and reconciliation and all the things the apostle writes about. Clean today. Paul
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Post by Johannes on Dec 9, 2007 19:24:58 GMT -5
I think that's one of the membership requirements of this board ;D ;D
It seems to me that you and your wife need to calmly talk about whether divorce would be the most compassionate path for the both of you. Perhaps such a conversation should happen when things are going well.
Were you able to set an appointment with your therapist? I strongly recommend regular meetings!!!
Many blessings,
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Dec 10, 2007 12:22:29 GMT -5
Here's a poem for Advent that I read this morning: [/i] magazine (Nov/Dec 2000)[/ul] I'm especially moved by this! Staying clean today, Paul NOTE: This poem is available with other Advent readings at www.upperroom.org/daily/ and you may subscribe for daily emails.
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Post by Johannes on Dec 10, 2007 21:46:18 GMT -5
"less of me and more of Grace"..........
Ah, this also reminds me of something I read in the foreword (forgotten the author) to Bernanos' "Diary of a Country Priest": "Grace is for free, but few people want it."
Be well, Paul!
And let's all recover!
Johannes
ps: I'll look into Patti Griffin--I've only heard her name
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Post by Paul on Dec 12, 2007 8:34:09 GMT -5
I passed 7 weeks clean yesterday and am still clean today.
I'm afraid I've got myself agitated, however. I got an email saying I'd made the short list for a job I applied for out-of-state and that they would be flying me over for an interview in January. This is a great job in a beautiful part of the country. It's also less than 150 miles from my best friend from grad school (a married woman).
I wrote to her with my good news and added, "Maybe you could come visit with me while I'm there for the interview."
That awoke my SA brain! Suddenly, I'm imagining a fling with this woman, complete with adulterous images (and the physical erection they arouse). I'm trying to "release" those images as soon as they come to me, not to obsess over them. I'm praying for forgiveness and strength.
I've never acted out "in real life" - never had an affair or (since marriage) kissed passionately a woman other than my wife. I never had a romantic relationship with this particular woman, although I do love her as a very special friend who understands me deeply and loves me too.
I wrote to someone else on this board recently that I believe it is sinful to willingly place oneself in the way of temptation. I suppose I may have done that.
Clearly, I'm in a fragile state - with the situation with my parents and my marital problems and my wife's health problems and our financial problems. I can't lean on my own strength to pull me through this.
I got very little sleep last night because I made the mistake of drinking coffee late, I was thinking about my parents, and I was trying to dispel this addict-think. For now, the adulterous thoughts are dormant, but I'm trying to stay watchful so they don't come back with a vengeance.
I am what I choose. I choose to be clean today. No external force can compel me to MB or view P. I choose to think wholesome thoughts about my friends and colleagues and the strangers I encounter.
I pray for God's help and presence. Make your home with me today, dear Lord. Remove from my heart and mind everything that does not comply with your will. Make me a vessel of your spirit. Make me an instrument of your grace to my wife, to my family, to my friends, to everyone I meet today. Amen.
Paul
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