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Post by Paul on Nov 10, 2007 0:06:57 GMT -5
Clean today. Took my parents (85 and 77) to a Canadian Celtic music concert. Very fun. We left a little early because Dad got cold, but they both enjoyed it. Then I took them home and drank cocoa with them. That was nice.
I've been invited for a job interview about 8 hours away from here - actually with my previous employer - the first week in December. Again, I want to be near my aging parents, but my wife is not happy here. I'm torn ...
Staying clean this weekend.
Paul
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Post by Johannes on Nov 10, 2007 18:04:18 GMT -5
Hey! Canadian Celtic music sounds great! I'm glad you and your parents had a swell time.
Gosh, this sounds like such a tough situation to be in. I'm guessing I asked you before whether there's any option of your parents moving with you?
Hmm, here's what I really fear: that your attempts to make your wife happy are putting you on an endless rabbit chase. I don't know whether you read choselife's journal--I often feel the two of you have a similar marital situation.
Be well!!!!!
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Nov 15, 2007 11:01:06 GMT -5
Still clean. Relations with my wife have been good over the past few weeks. I'm grateful for that and grateful that I've been clean for over three weeks now. Given my patterns over the past couple of years, that's actually a long time. Sometimes it seems as if I can actually feel the detritus of addiction dropping off me the longer I stay clean. I realize that when I'm clean I tend to get along better with my wife -- or is it that when I get along with my wife, I tend to stay clean? Probably a little of both! Let's hope both phenomena stay on an even keel!
Paul
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Post by Johannes on Nov 16, 2007 18:48:38 GMT -5
Paul, that sounds like a clear rule to follow. And notice the logic: say, things aren't going well with your wife, and you're tempted to act out--then you can tell yourself, "Oh but wait! By *not* acting out I am actually already improving the relationship."
Let's all recover the joy of living.
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Nov 20, 2007 6:40:39 GMT -5
I've been clean for four weeks now. Two years ago this month, I relapsed after staying clean for more than 600 days. Since then, I've rarely gone more than two weeks without viewing P or MBing.
So, I'm very grateful for these four weeks. I feel that my thinking is much clearer, more hopeful, more realistic. I pray that this is the start of a wholly redeemed life ...
Paul
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Post by rockwell on Nov 21, 2007 14:20:17 GMT -5
Hi Paul,
You visited my journal today and so I am visiting yours. I had posted in your journal the week you came back to this board after being away for a long time.
Congrats on the 4 week milestone. 600 days at one point, wow! That was 1.6 years. So you know you can do it. I will have to comb through your journal to find out what caused you to stop that 600 day streak. Wonder if it was just laziness on your part or some stressful events or something else. In anycase, glad you are back. You can do this!
rock
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Post by Paul on Nov 23, 2007 13:29:18 GMT -5
Hi Rock -- There are never any legitimate "excuses" for a relapse. We are, after all, men with free will. In the end, I chose to act out of my weakness. That said, I was probably overconfident that I had licked this addiction and dropped my defenses a bit. In addition, I'd undergone a lot of change and sadness in a short amount of time. In the space of two months, I'd accepted a 14% pay cut to move closer to my aging parents whose decline was growing more apparent and bought a new house and two of my dogs had died (one I'd had for nearly 15 years - since my bachelor days). In addition to paying me less, my new job was/is less satisfying than my old one. Add to that the intermittent, unpredictable stress of being married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. I needed to be leaning on God for strength, but I clearly didn't rely on him enough and turned my attention instead to my old ways of escaping stress and depression. I relapsed and I've rarely been able to keep my feet under me for more than two weeks since. I read this in one of my daily devotionals today: [/b] - www.upperroom.org/devotional/default.asp?month=11&day=23&year=2007[/ul] Keeping my eyes on God's gifts and mercies today! Paul
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Post by larus on Nov 24, 2007 4:40:19 GMT -5
hello Paul,
thanks for that. That is indeed how worrying can be harmful. But you have the right goal ahead. Best to you and I think your presence here is inspiring.
Larus
Matthew 6:25-34 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
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Post by rockwell on Nov 25, 2007 21:29:56 GMT -5
Paul,
It is scary to see that someone could be P free for 6oo days and then relapse and then not be able to make it past a few weeks. It is sobering and makes me determined that I cannot allow this to happen to me because it could be me that this happens to.
I wonder how you can be helped. I can see from your journal that you do have a lot of stressful things in your wife. Your big paycut, the big move to be near your elderly parents who are declining in health. Your wife and her issues as well as her expressing that she does not want to live where you are still living. And you are torn with the thought of moving away from your parents and what that entails for you.
You have a lot on your plate and I feel for you. Additionally I can see that you love the LORD like I do and want to please him. And when you porn you put a rift between you and the LORD once again. All of these things you are going through can be like clouds that hide you from the light of the Sun.
One of the great hymns of the church has a line that reads like this:
"Holy, holy holy, though the darkness hide thee. Though the eyes of sinful man thy glory may not see." I read that as being our sinfulness that hides the glory of the LORD.
Paul, open yourself back up to the LORD and give your whole soul and life and all the situations you are going through back to him. Cast all of your cares on him because he cares for you. Ask and believe that the HOLY SPIRIT will come into your very being and be inside you. There is healing there.
This is a spiritual thing you are going through. The powers of darkness do not want you to be with the LORD. So remember this when you are tempted. And you have no place in this darkness. You cannot have one foot in the kingdom and one in the pit. Seek first the kingdom of God.
Sorry to sound so preachy. That was not my intent. I just want you to be free like you were during those 600 days. You need to be where you were meant to be and to live the life God planned for you. I wish there was something I could say that would help you Paul.
But you cannot go back to the darkness - EVER. You have to be 100% resolved to stay in the light of the LORD. He requires this and demands this if you are to be his follower.
Take care and seek the LORD while he may be found.
Your friend,
rockwell
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Post by Paul on Nov 26, 2007 8:00:32 GMT -5
Yesterday, I held the hand of a family friend while he died. Bruce was essentially a member of our family for the past twenty-one years. For a while, he was my sister's boyfriend. His alcoholism eventually killed their romantic relationship, but they never stopped being friends. I'm thankful that he got sober and stayed sober for about 19 years. He did the 12 Steps and as part of his Ninth Step, he apologized to me for any past wrongs. Unfortunately, Bruce never quit smoking - until he was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. He fought valiantly for a year-and-a-half and was his hardy, confident self until a few weeks ago. The cancer had spread to his brain and his spine and he deteriorated quickly. His going was peaceful. He just gradually breathed less and less until he stopped. Bruce was 57. Note to all readers: If you smoke, STOP NOW!Larus and Rock, thanks so much for your interest and your support. I'm approaching five weeks clean. I'm feeling very strong in my recovery and very connected to God. I reinforce that connection with daily devotional readings, weekly worship and prayer throughout each day. These are so important to me. I feel that I'm on the right road and headed in the right direction. While Bruce was dying, I recited the 23rd Psalm aloud. I said it for Bruce, but I found myself moved and comforted by it. It's worth writing out and treasuring each line: Clean today! Paul
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Post by rockwell on Nov 26, 2007 9:59:41 GMT -5
Paul,
My deepest sympathies for your loss. The peace of the LORD be with you this week and I pray that your friend's soul finds rest and welcome in his Kingdom.
rockwell
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Post by Paul on Nov 27, 2007 18:05:28 GMT -5
Gratefully clean today!
Paul
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Post by Johannes on Nov 27, 2007 18:47:37 GMT -5
You're sounding very good, Paul! Like the Paul who was on the 600 days streak. Many blessings, Johannes ps: Let's all recover!
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Post by Paul on Nov 29, 2007 10:52:25 GMT -5
NoExcuses had an excellent post in his journal this morning. I want to paste a long excerpt from it so I'll have ready access to it: How not to end in failure this time? Here's what I am going to try and do (but don't forget I am at the beginning of this process, so I am wide eyed with optimism once again). 1) Visualise the world as you would like it to be. I have the fantastic vision of myself as the perfect example of fatherhood and husbandhood. It is a wholesome picketfence sort of land, with playing kids, big gardens, a happy wife and a busy, confident and masculine dad mending fences and chopping wood. 2) Plan. If there is a major gap between your visualised perfect world and your current state write down the steps required to bridge that gap - in as much detail as possible. Timeframe the steps (though the order of the steps is more important than the timeframe). In my world the gap is not so great - it is largely a matter of perception (a big difference from 2002). It is how I view the world rather than how it is, that is my issue. So my challenge is a mental rather than physical one. This has advantages but is more difficult to plan. Whatever, I intend making myself very busy with planning and fulfillment. 3) Change habits. My aim is to alter patterns and habits that lead to acting out. I want to get away from the need to resist just as I am keying in the name of a site on my laptop. I always lose that battle. So I want to change my daily pattern so I am no where near that laptop at the key moments I lapse. I have bought some good books and loaded the ipod with good music - so I can listen to Bach or Mozart while reading (usually history - British or American). I am also trying to create a space in the house this can happen. My own space (with no laptop/computer). Then I am going to a) indulge myself and b) absolutely get off on the visual wonder of that sublime scene. This is what winners do and if I have to "fake it til I make it" so be it - I am doing things I enjoy in the meantime. 4) Raise my standards. As a husband, companion, friend, father, boss, mentor, supplier, neighbour and client. I am even going to raise my standards as a pedestrian, motorist, cyclist, lift (elevator) buddy etc etc. For instance - I have a habit of cleaning my ear with a paperclip - yuk! I have another habit of taking the newspaper to the loo - yuk, yuk! Women generally find standards easier - and I am good with clothes and grooming. So I can damn well improve my standards. The reason - because a day spent slobbing around with respect to personal standards will be a day more easily corrupted by p. and mb. Base behaviour breeds base behaviour. This will be a tough one to maintain but I am hoping the goals and visualisation will help. 5) Be a fundamentalist. I cannot accept that "one slip" is OK - that all is not lost. When trying to give up smoking a writer called Alan Carr wrote "you must be utterly convinced that the next cigarette will cost you £10,000 and possibly your life". Why? Because to him smoking was a chain - one cigarette closed a link and opened the next. When you give up the link remains open - forever. One slip and you close the link and open the next. And it is as if there was no gap in time at all. The body has its addiction back. You have had a fix. So what you had 600 days? The addiction will make sure it is not a 600 days wait next time. The only way with smoking was to adopt the mind of the non-smoker. As with smoking, so with p. I have to adopt the mind and life of a person that has never viewed p. and would never consider it. I will "fake it til I make it". There is no such thing as "slipping" in my view - that is far too kind, You are either on or off this path - take your choice. 6) Be aware of beauty. P. is a false beauty just as cigarettes are a false relaxant. The real world is far more beautiful than anything that can be conjured through p. and I am determined that as the fictional, stylised, cartoon-like, mind-corrupting, polluting, filth dissipates from my consciousness I can reawaken my eyes and mind to the beauty and wonders around me. Clean today - with NoExcuses's encouraging example! Paul
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Post by Paul on Dec 4, 2007 19:32:20 GMT -5
Today marks 6 weeks clean. I'm immensely grateful for that!
I'm in another city and just finished up a two-day interview for a job. Unfortunately, I noticed that some of the women in the workplace are attractive and I had some SA thoughts about the possibility of an affair. (I've never acted out in real life.) I quashed these thoughts as soon as they appeared, but they appeared several times. I'm ashamed of that and worried by it ...
Additionally, my wife is acting out her borderline personality this afternoon. I'm considering this job because she wants to move - not because I want to. Having her yell at me is not making me feel generous or sympathetic towards her!
I'm making myself aware of these stresses and their potential to trigger a relapse. I'm determined however to preserve my sobriety - the best gift I have today!
Paul
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