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Post by Paul on Sept 29, 2007 21:31:40 GMT -5
Clean today.
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Post by Paul on Oct 2, 2007 13:10:22 GMT -5
Sunday night, lying in bed, I MBed to thoughts of a college girlfriend (over 25 years ago). Have not viewed P. Clean since then.
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Post by johannes3 on Oct 3, 2007 16:06:03 GMT -5
How are things for you today, Paul? Reading your last journal entry, I felt such sadness--you only wrote a few words, and it seems to me there's so much more going on for you.
Peace,
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Oct 3, 2007 22:53:53 GMT -5
I'm on my third day of the silent treatment from my borderline personality wife for an email I forwarded to her that she has chosen to be upset by. It was actually email for her from a traveling nurse organization. Instead of deleting it, I sent it to her because it was for her, assuming she would probably delete it but she could at least handle it however she wished. But she chooses to think that I want to get rid of her: "trying to tell me something, like you don't like having me around and wish I would hit the road or something. Nice, very nice. Just say the word, and I am gone .... A-hole."
She did snap at me a little when I came home Tuesday morning to take her to the doctor which she didn't let me do and told me to go back to work. (I don't think she took herself either. Didn't ask because I knew she'd start blessing me out again.)
This afternoon she told me that she is leaving after our little dog with lymphoma dies. I told her that I don't want her to leave, but that's all I will say. She says she is tired of the fighting and knows I probably am, too. I concurred. We'll see what happens when she comes down off of this borderline ride ... She changed her mind dramatically in February when she saw I wasn't backing away from divorce. I won't actually believe she's leaving until she does it. But if she does, I'm largely prepared for it emotionally, though I'll want to talk to my counselor about it.
No need to advise or console. Just say a little prayer that I will have the strength and grace to handle what comes.
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by johannes3 on Oct 4, 2007 16:48:16 GMT -5
Paul,
Supportive thoughts and prayers for you and your wife coming your way.
--Johannes
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Post by Paul on Oct 4, 2007 17:03:37 GMT -5
Thanks, Johannes.
Meeting with my brother and sister tonight to discuss my father who's mind is slipping. (He's been taken in by several fraudulent sweepstakes mailings recently.) Sad to see in someone who was so bright and alway a healthy skeptic of get-rich-quick schemes.
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Oct 6, 2007 16:02:32 GMT -5
Wife told me yesterday that she's not leaving after our dog Sadie dies. Was very apologetic about her attitude/behavior.
Meeting with my siblings went very well. It's nice for each of us to have the others for support and help with our parents.
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Oct 8, 2007 9:56:42 GMT -5
Actually had a nice weekend with my wife. We were kind with each other, spoke tenderly. It's nice to be reminded what I love about her.
On the other hand, we continue to worry about our sweet little dog. We're taking her to the vet for blood tests this morning. I'm not sure she'll last the week ...
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Oct 10, 2007 9:29:54 GMT -5
Continue to have good relations with my wife. She said "I'm sorry" for something out of the blue last night. She so rarely apologizes that I was very touched. I let her know how much I appreciated it and she was herself a little stunned by my reaction.
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Oct 15, 2007 16:30:23 GMT -5
Today marks one month clean of P. Except for MBing once two weeks ago, I've been completely sober. I'm thankful for the grace of not polluting my mind and soul with P images. The air around me feels cleaner and fresher. I have a brighter outlook even in the face of some difficult times. My relationships with my wife and with women friends and acquaintances are not clouded with a choking haze of P. Thank you for this, dear God.
I'm afraid our little dog is beginning to get worse. We're adjusting her meds today, but I fear she may not last the week ... Thanks also, Lord, for bringing this sweet, charming little Sadie into our lives five years ago. Her affection and playfulness have enriched our lives, filled our hearts with love, and made us better people.
Clean today.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Oct 16, 2007 13:07:44 GMT -5
Our sweet little Sadie died close to 6:00 this morning. I found her lying in the hall when I got up to pee this morning. She was breathing just a little noisily. I kneeled down and kissed on her some. I peed and then went to get a pillow to lie down next to her. When I came back, she had passed
Sadie was diagnosed with lymphoma in July and the disease responded to medication for a while, but it returned and progressed rapidly in the last week or two.
Sadie (also known as Sadie Mae and Mae-Mae) was a sweet, friendly, slightly clumsy little girl, always eager to offer her belly up for rubbing to friend and stranger.
The little dog character in the Mutts comic strip (always begging for belly rubs) often reminded us of her ...
We adopted Sadie from an animal control shelter in 2002. She was a great little addition to the three boy-dogs we had at the time. Everyone loved her feminine-yet-tomgirlish ways. She and our dachshund Joey played "smackdown" on the bed and she taught him how to dig in clever places in the yard.
She was a long-haired dachshund with warm brown eyes, a beautiful mahogany coat, long ears that dipped in her water bowl, long tufts of hair between her toes, and a bubblegum-pink tongue.
We loved our Sadie very much and will miss her tremendously!
Paul
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Post by Bill Swan on Oct 16, 2007 13:54:24 GMT -5
Hello Paul,
It seems I've come along to find you in a bad way with the passing of your treasured pet. I too have a dog and don't know how I will feel when her day comes. She is 10 now.
I'm happy to see someone here that I remember. I don't know how much correspondance we've had through the past few years but I know it's been at least "some". We all melt together here, eh?
I'll check back later. Best wishes.
Bill
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Post by Paul on Oct 17, 2007 10:18:51 GMT -5
Nice to hear from you, Bill!
Grief over Sadie touches me in very brief waves. I'm still waiting to be overwhelmed by it. I'm usually very affected by the loss of a pet. I wonder if it's a combination of both expecting it and being surprised by it. We knew we were getting close, but we planned to put her to sleep when it was time. I had even told myself minutes before, "Okay, today will be the day." But she left us at her own time.
I find myself kneeling where she died, gesturing the shape of her small body and kissing where she lay. She was so sweet. I'm glad she's out of pain, but I miss her so much. I speak to her and ask her to stay near us ...
Staying clean today in her honor.
Paul
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Post by johannes3 on Oct 17, 2007 23:16:43 GMT -5
Paul,
AT first, I was so sad that Sadie died just when you were getting a pillow--but now I think very differently: it was so wonderful that you woke up and were with her; I'm sure she felt, "I've seen Paul one more time, felt his love, and so now I can die happily."
(I am sorry I haven't yet responded to your PM. I felt honored that you sent it.)
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Oct 18, 2007 14:06:41 GMT -5
Some turmoil with my wife today. She wants me to tell her when I might consider leaving town -- when my father dies? when my father no longer recognizes me? when my mother dies? My father is 85 and he, especially, has been getting a little "cloudy" and is losing his short-term memory and thus has trouble creating new long-term memories. All my wife can seem to do is pick on them. "Why doesn't he pick up the phone and call a lawyer and tell him he wants to update his will? Why do you have to help him?"
I want to care for them as long as I feel the need to. I can't define the time or the circumstances for that. In my heart, though, I believe it's until death.
It's clear my wife wants to move away.
I'm still grieving the loss of our dog - and she is, too. I don't need to be adding marital stress on top of that!
Staying clean today.
Paul
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