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Post by Paul on Sept 1, 2007 2:19:05 GMT -5
It's been a long while since I posted with any regularity. I logged in today because I was trying to find the name of an Indian poet I remembered quoting several years ago in my posts here (turns out it was Rabindranath Tagore -- and he was a poet and much more!), and combing through my entries reminded me how vital this board was to me in the past. I realized that I need it now, too. I acted out on Sunday -- may have MB on Monday. We'll call Tuesday, August 28, my latest "sobriety date." I've been on a pattern of not going longer than a month (usually more like a week) without a P relapse. Fortunately, I haven't done any P at work -- as I did (for hours and days on end) in my darkest period years ago. My wife and I are treating each other kindly though we've been closer in the past. In therapy, I have come to understand that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder ( bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml). Over the past two years, she has had more than a few rages -- with anger/resentment/sulking that last for weeks. My therapist suggests that some (though certainly not all) of my P/MB is an avoidance technique I use because I'm not able to communicate with her effectively, because I myself am angry that my marriage can be so punishing, because I resent the cognitive hoops I have to jump through just because she "refuses" to be reasonable, etc. That avoidance is a factor is self-evident, I suppose, but it happened to be an eye-opener for me after always imagining P/MB as self-medicating. Certainly there is the numbing aspect of it, the seeking of some endorphin-fed solace, but I realized that I've also done it when I was bored or pestered by the meaningless petty urgencies of deadlines at work. Avoidance. I've been a big avoider all my life: avoid conflict, avoid commitment, avoid taking a stand. I have to face the conflicts and disappointments, sadness, weaknesses and failures in my life -- in my character, in my wife's character, in my marriage, in my work. With God's grace, I can do that today ... Paul Note: Previous journals are located at: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=1092427277 and lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=journal&action=display&thread=1110821025
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Post by Paul on Sept 2, 2007 16:31:38 GMT -5
Staying clean. Weekends are always the hardest.
Today, I'm being mindful of a verse from Ephesians: "put away your former way of life, your old self, corrupt and deluded by its lusts, and ... be renewed in the spirit of your minds."
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Post by johannes3 on Sept 2, 2007 21:45:07 GMT -5
Paul!!! What joy! As you know, I'm also a great avoider. Can we support each other in making a recovery commitment that's serious? Take very good care, and, of course, grace and peace......... Johannes
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Post by Paul on Sept 3, 2007 14:42:10 GMT -5
Clean today. I obsessed a bit over a miniseries I rented and watched over the past three nights (the excellent Lost Room - www.scifi.com/lostroom/). I stayed up until 3:00 reading message boards about unresolved issues in the series - which also led to aimless (tho not P) surfing. That's dangerous for me. As I told myself while making up the bed this morning, that's not "new creation" living. But I slept until 10:00, so I'm not groggy today and I'm tiling my kitchen floor, so I'm being productive. Resolved to dust myself off and make the right choices today! Paul
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Post by Paul on Sept 4, 2007 21:44:07 GMT -5
Clean today.
My wife hasn't worked since April 7. We've dipped into my retirement accounts a couple of times to handle bills. While paying bills tonight I realized we're probably going to have to do it again. I may have to sell my piano, too. It's a 1901 Steinway Grand that my aunt owned -- she also taught me on it. I had it rebuilt before I went to grad school. I'm a little sentimental about it, but I also try to keep in mind that the real gift my aunt gave me was the love of music and the ability to play it. That's a gift I'll carry with me even if I sell her piano.
Monetary stress has precipitated relapses in the past. I'm not going to let that happen again.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Sept 5, 2007 22:21:26 GMT -5
Clean today.
On a couple of occasions today I was too aware of the attractions of women around me. I asked myself, "Paul, why are you looking? You have no intention of approaching them - you're married, after all. You're not going to MB, so there's no point in storing up mental images. It can only lead to disappointment and frustration."
I've been a vegetarian for nearly 5 years. No meat in that time. I tell myself that if I can successfully avoid meat for so long, I can avoid P/MB with discipline and God's help.
Paul
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Post by Paul on Sept 9, 2007 13:31:08 GMT -5
Still clean.
I didn't go to church today because my wife seemed depressed and I didn't want to leave her. We watched a movie last night that would usually be triggering for me, but I released the visual images, refused to commit them to memory. Weekends are usually the hardest for me. I'll stay clean this weekend, though.
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Post by empower on Sept 9, 2007 13:48:23 GMT -5
Copy on that weekend stuff being hard - it's just the same for me, Paul.
I like the verse from Ephesians - a good one!
Good wishes, Empower
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Post by Paul on Sept 11, 2007 22:37:36 GMT -5
Clean today. Two weeks now. My wife hasn't made it easy over the past couple of days. She's playing her borderline "Tag You're It" game ( bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/games.shtml) -- which puts me on the merciless end of her bad list. I won't go into details -- save that for a different support board! But I do sometimes wonder if this marriage will last. I'm just getting tired of the drama. Of course, I care for her, love her on her good days, mostly feel sorry for her on the bad days when she verbally attacks me. No matter what she puts me through, however, I won't let it push me toward P/MB -- not today! Paul
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Post by rockwell on Sept 12, 2007 13:24:25 GMT -5
HI Paul.
Welcome back to the board. I read your new journal. I am sorry to read about your financial stress and that is tough. Also the piano. All this stress, which means all the more reason for you to be here and posting. I will pray for you. It is great to see old timers return to the board.
rockwell
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Post by Peter on Sept 12, 2007 13:43:21 GMT -5
Hi Paul,
I just started posting again on the board yesterday, and what a surprise to find that you just recently picked up journaling again as well. I feel as if we were on the journey together a few years ago, and I find it rather interesting (and maybe not so coincidental) that we both started posting again at the same time.
I look forward to tracking with you in your renewed efforts.
Peter
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Post by Paul on Sept 13, 2007 15:06:12 GMT -5
Nice to hear from old friends!
Staying clean today. My wife's borderline storm has passed and things are feeling better between us -- although she's starting to stir things up a little with a neighbor now. For years, I felt like I had to be the buffer between her bad behavior and family, friends and neighbors. Being constantly on guard, trying to anticipate a crisis and deflect it, wore me out emotionally. I'll grant that I have an abnormal desire to be liked and I felt that her behavior reflected on me, but I also dislike conflict of any kind even if I'm not involved in it. With help, I've gotten to the point where I'm letting go of the compulsion to "fix things" when she goes on a tear. Still, it continues to be a source of some stress for me -- and because of that I have to stay watchful for my recovery.
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Post by Paul on Sept 14, 2007 13:47:54 GMT -5
Relapsed for two hours last night. I went to bed with my wife at 9:00. Read a couple of devotionals. Worked some Nikoli logic puzzles (that I ordered from Japan). Said prayers that in retrospect were too cursory. I coun't get to sleep. Lay there fully awake. Started wondering if my old friend Peter had responded to my oh-so-clever post about being on a "clean binge" ( lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?action=gotopost&board=journal&thread=1143829328&post=1189714603). Nope, no replies to that. Read a little of the Borderline Personality Disorder support board and responded to someone's post there. Touched on issues in my marriage - resentment grows. Checked my work email. Remembered that a colleague told me about a video on YouTube showing a golden retriever who'd developed a friendship with a goldfish -- found it and watched it: cute. Remembered that while I was watching Chris Matthews on Hardball last night, on split screen my wife was surfing channels and when she hit E! they were showing a blurred picture of an exposed body part of one of the latest badly behaved, substance-abusing young female role models -- maybe I can find an unblurred picture of that. And so it started. I violated my rules: 1) Only using the internet for email, support boards and paying bills when I'm at home, unless my wife and I are going to a site together (say to purchase plane tickets). 2) Never being on the internet after my wife goes to bed. And so on ... Starting over. I am powerless ... Paul
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Post by Peter on Sept 14, 2007 16:31:24 GMT -5
Hi Paul,
I like your idea of the "clean-binge", actually. For some reason we don't internalize enough the benefit of staying sober. In reality, when those benefits mature, they bring more satisfaction in the end. The problem, of course, is that we have a hard time believing this when we are angry, our relationships with our spouses are difficult, etc. I think switching this thing on its head (i.e., saying "I can't imagine giving up my sobriety" instead of "I can't imagine giving up my porn!") helps us visualize the way life is supposed to be, and how it's supposed to give us the kind of satisfaction we are looking for in life. Like everything else that's worth having, happiness tends to come as a byproduct of the effort toward virtue formation. I don't know why we always have a hard time convincing ourselves that this is true in the moment, but I suspect that part of the lie is the "I need it right now" mentality, rather than being willing to wait for the better thing. It reminds me of people who are willing to take the quick lottery payout, instead of being willing to take it in installments over 20 years, where it will be much more fruitful in the end. Not a perfect analogy, but a similar one fueled by short term satisfaction.
In any case, I like your rule about the computer. What I've done recently to help is to rediscover the joys of the library. I've been getting a lot of good books that don't cost me anything, and spending a lot of time reading at night instead of on the computer or in front of the TV. It's amazing how much reading I can do when I don't have those distractions, which makes me feel more productive, as well. I like spending time researching discussion groups and book review sites to track down books that I'll enjoy that I wasn't aware of previously. It's added a low-level kind of treasure hunt to my life that I think may actually redirect some of my desires to find and discover more inappropriate things.
Anyway, hang in there friend. Let's see if we can carry our determination forward for a bit.
Peter
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Post by Paul on Sept 16, 2007 22:18:38 GMT -5
Wise words, Peter. Thank you for that.
Clean all weekend. A good service at church today: the sermon on the parables of the lost sheep and lost coin was poignant (given my recent relapse), plus communion. This was exactly what I needed. Grace abounds.
I got some work done on the house, bathed three dogs, took my wife out to dinner. Real responsibility, real life.
Paul
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