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Post by johannes3 on Sept 18, 2007 22:02:09 GMT -5
Paul,
Your description of your recent slip reminds me of the way I get into trouble. I'll begin with "innocent" procrastination--the kind of stuff 95 percent of the population engages in, but then at some point I'll go over to the dark side.
When I'm in that state of mind you described, it seems to me that there is a healthy and healing way to find the comfort that I am desperately asking for, but I'll turn my back on it. Because it's scary. What would it have meant for you in that situation to *really* pray to God? Forgive me if I'm being incoherent here, but I feel if I had been in your situation, turning to God would have meant for me to actually feel all the forlorness and sadness inside me. I'm so rarely able to do this, to simply open up my heart.
Sorry if I'm just talking about myself here! I did want to let you know I'm still reading your journal.
Peter, thank you so much for what you said about returning to healthy ways of spending time. This helps me a lot.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Sept 20, 2007 11:20:37 GMT -5
Staying clean today.
Nice to hear from you, Johannes. You're absolutely right. Each day presents us with a continuous series of choices. Making one questionable choice may not instantly propel us to the "dark side" but it opens up choices of increasingly dire consequence. I have to watch even the simple choices - surrender them to God, if you will - so I won't find myself in water that is too deep for me. Like you, I have a core that is sad and forlorn, but I remind myself that I am the lost sheep, the lost coin, and Someone who knows me completely and loves me completely wants me back and is seeking me.
I've been invited for an interview out-of-town (850 miles away), two years after moving back near my aging parents (85 and 77). I took a 14% pay cut moving home and my current position is not exactly hot resume material. I've had to tap my pension three times this year since my wife has quit work because of her health. Just this week my boss increased my salary above the point it was two years ago (by 2%). However, the new job could pay me 35% more and is a little more prestigious.
My wife hates it here, but I'm also reluctant to leave my parents again. I'm praying for God to work his will. If I'm not "meant" to go, I pray I won't even be offered the job (or at least that I'll be given a strong feeling not to accept it).
Paul
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Post by rockwell on Sept 20, 2007 13:15:05 GMT -5
Paul,
Best wishes on the job situation and I hope it all works out for the best. Sometimes the unexpected works out for the best. Just be open and your spirit will let you know if it is the right thing.
rockwell
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Post by johannes3 on Sept 20, 2007 20:36:43 GMT -5
And how can you strengthen the "I remind myself"?
I remember well how you decided to take the new job to be close to your parents, and how difficult that decision was. I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out as well as you'd hoped. I wish you very well for the upcoming interview. As they say on some academic forum I sometimes waste my time on, if there's even the slightest chance you might accept the job, go to the interview.......
Take good care, Paul
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Sept 21, 2007 14:46:24 GMT -5
Clean today, but feeling fidgety. I have to watch myself very carefully.
Johannes, "remind myself" was a weak way of putting it. Too cognitive, as if it were a piece of information among other pieces vying for my attention. Instead, I have to own it as THE fact of my life:
I am LOST but I am also LOVED and SOUGHT and finally, joyfully FOUND
My wife and I have been on good terms the past few days. I'm taking her to the state fair tonight for good, unhealthy food and carnival rides. Maybe I'll win her a stuffed toy ...
Paul
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Post by johannes3 on Sept 21, 2007 20:21:46 GMT -5
"Yay" to carnival rides!
And the tough thing for me in all of this is, I only viscerally realize that I am lost after acting out. I've gotten suspicious of my tendency to pray fervently after acting out.
(off-topicish: are you and I the two oldest members on no-porn???)
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Sept 22, 2007 21:53:37 GMT -5
I've gotten suspicious of my tendency to pray fervently after acting out. I know what you mean. It's akin to cutting myself and crying, "I bleed!" Better to be fervent when you're weak and tempted. Reach for the Hand before you stumble, when you need it most. That isn't to say the Hand won't be there to help pull you up when you've fallen, but it's my hope, my wish, MY fervent prayer to be so related to God that I never stumble again. Clean today. Paul
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Post by Paul on Sept 23, 2007 21:43:15 GMT -5
Clean so far today. Feeling a little tempted now, so I'm going to bed!
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Post by Paul on Sept 24, 2007 11:58:48 GMT -5
Didn't go to bed until 1:30 am. Did some middle-circle stuff: playing mindless computer games, surfed stupid TV show websites.
This is a warning to me! At work this morning, I felt myself weaking. I have my Yahoo Calendar send me the same prayer each day and I prayed it earnestly:
"Holy God, I am powerless over my addiction, but today I am turning my will and life over to your care, asking you to remove my shortcomings and character defects and to grant me the knowledge of your will for me and the courage and power to be the man you want me to be."
I'm feeling better now. Still watching myself, but drawing on Strength.
Paul
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Post by johannes3 on Sept 24, 2007 16:26:14 GMT -5
Paul,
When you described your last relapse, you mentioned how you prayed, but it was only by rote. Is there any way for you, right now, to stop the middle circle behavior, and instead turning to God in a meaningful manner? Turning your pain over to Him.
Please stay sober.
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by Paul on Sept 24, 2007 21:36:45 GMT -5
Survived the rough patch of the day with the help of prayer and friendly co-workers (who popped the inflating/smothering "addict-think").
Taking tomorrow off. If I can convince my menopausal wife that 87 degrees is not too hot, we'll go to the zoo. Considering the fact that while she was fanning herself and cranking the AC tonight I was putting on sweatpants, I don't hold out much hope! Ah well, I can always layer when I'm at home!
Paul
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Post by rockwell on Sept 25, 2007 8:59:16 GMT -5
Keep praying, Paul!
rock
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Post by Paul on Sept 26, 2007 23:56:08 GMT -5
Clean today and going to bed now!
Paul
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Post by Paul on Sept 28, 2007 12:07:10 GMT -5
Clean today and feeling much stronger than I was earlier this week. Looking forward to a weekend working on the house and yard and getting a few things accomplished.
The cost to travel down for my job interview was personally prohibitive (the employer wouldn't pay for travel) -- but they requested that I do a videoconference interview. Initially I balked and told them I didn't think my interview could be competitive with others who were coming in person, but they replied back very nicely: "I do want to assure you that you are a very strong candidate for our position and we felt that you did a good job of establishing a personal rapport just over the phone." So I'll give this a shot! The job isn't EXACTLY where I want to be but it's a pretty part of the country, an interesting position and has the potential for a very good salary ... At least I'll now have experience with a video-interview!
Paul
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Post by johannes3 on Sept 28, 2007 22:00:13 GMT -5
Paul,
Wow--their response re your phone interview sounds really good! Knock 'em dead via video!! For when is it scheduled?
Johannes
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