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Post by isopeace on Aug 21, 2007 7:19:55 GMT -5
My name is Isopeace, and that says it all I think.. I'm in search of peace. Peace in my heart, peace within myself, peace in my marraige, or peace in the end of my marraige.
I decided to create this journal to serve as my reflecting pool. I'm counting down 30 days until my h chooses our future. I want to make the day he decides the "beginning", because in essence, that's what it is....the beginning of his new life with me, or the beginning of my new life without him. Over the next few weeks, I want to begin to look deeper inside myself, hopefully finding in the end that a scarred, angry little girl has somehow by the grace of God blossomed into a strong, forgiving, peaceful woman. Or at the very least, I'd like to see a glimpse of her in the waters.
In no particular order.... I want to find my inner strength, the strength I know I have, but that has gotten lost along the path I have walked.
I want to find my beauty. The superficial beauty that I *know* (but don't yet believe) I have, yes, but more importantly, the inner beauty. What is it that makes me a wonderful person, wife, mother? What things do I possess that make me a beautiful person? I can't remember, but I intend to find them in the pool.
I want to define my beliefs and begin more actively applying them to my life. I've always known what I believe is right and wrong, but do not always "walk the walk". I can't very easily ask someone to hold themselves to these standards if I don't hold myself accountable to them as well.
I want to take inventory of my life, and find all the improvements that need to be made. I want to have the strength to begin the rebuilding process.
I want to be able to forgive him, even if he chooses not to stay with us.
I want to be learn how to support him if he does choose us.
I want to be able to let go of the anger, and instead focus that energy on productive things.
I want to stop caring so much what people think of me. I want to be able to stand strong in my beliefs, thoughts & desires without that nagging wonder if someone will fault me, belittle me or even hate me for them. I want to be at a place where I can stand on my own, without such a strong desire for validation. I want to have belief, acceptance & trust in myself, so I don't need to be accepted by others.
I want to be less driven by emotions, in my responses, my actions, my life as a whole.
I want to learn how to become emotionally available. I feel at times detached from everyone in my life, as if I'm hiding or have put up a 256 ft brick wall surrounding me. It leaves me feeling like I can't love, can't support, can't be sympathetic.
I want to reinforce in my mind that I'm not "the cause". Nothing I do, could do, didn't do would have changed anything. I need to remind myself of that daily until I honestly believe it.
I want to find a way to reverse all the destructive thoughts that have been planted in my mind by people who have needed to feel superior. Somehow, I need to find my self-worth, and stop believeing those who would like me to think I am nothing, and always will be.
I want to begin reading the Bible, perhaps even going to church. I grew up in a very christian home, people speaking tongues in church and everything. At 16, I ran away from home, and away from God. I don't know if (when) I'll ever get to that depth of christianity, but I need to start somewhere. I feel it calling me, or should I say, Him calling me. I know that many of the beliefs I have are rooted in the Bible. It's almost as if I've been a closet christian my whole life, and never fully accepted it or showed it by my actions. I feel it's time to change that.
I want to give up control. Not to say that I have no decision power in my life, but to say that I need to stop feeling panic if I can't, or am not in, control. I want to be able to accept that not every situation in my life is controllable by me, and some situations don't even NEED me to step in to control. I want to be able to see that I will be healthier, happier & more at peace if I can release the need for control.
How do all these things tie in? Why do they belong here? Because I feel every single one of them has an impact on how I've attracted, dealt with (or not dealt with, depending on the point of view) my h, and how I intend to deal with our future. They all have impact on my reactions, my actions, my emotions, my attachments & my detatchments. Every single one of them (in my mind) is critical to my recovery & rebuilding.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 21, 2007 7:55:16 GMT -5
Wow. What beautiful reflections. Thank you for starting this journal; I look forward to following your journey and learning more about you and from you. Jinn
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 21, 2007 8:59:57 GMT -5
That is an awesome list. I wish you godspeed as you head in this new and healthier direction in your life.
I'm glad you explained ISO means In search of. The only thing I could relate it to was International Standards Organization. That made no sense to me! In Search Of Peace is a beautiful name.
LookingUp
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Post by isopeace on Aug 22, 2007 6:42:39 GMT -5
Thank you for your comments. They are very encouraging, to say the least. _________________________________________________ Reflections on Day 29: He tested me last night. If I had to grade myself, I'd say I got a C. He was supposed to go to a friends house after work to pick something up, and then come home. Well, by 10, he still wasn't home (he got out of work at 8). We had texted a few times about stupid things (he bought me candy, I wanted arby's, he had no more money on him, etc). So, at 10:15 or so, I just txted, "goin' to bed." His reply was "b/sin' w/ A*** for awhile." I answered "whatever...gn" Now, this is where I made the first mistake. "whatever" has been my passive aggressive way of saying "I'm angry" for a very long time. And I WAS angry. I couldn't decide if I believed he was still at his friends house or not. I was angry that he didn't just tell me he had intentions of hanging out there for awhile, instead of letting me think he was coming straight home. I was angry that he could just go and do something without any thought. Maybe I'm just jealous that I can't do whatever I want whenever, because, oh yeah, that's right! I have kids to take care of! (I think I'm leaving the impression that I DO control him, and don't "let" him go to friends houses or whatever, and that is SO NOT true...I just hate the "I have no responsibility so I can do whatever I want" feeling that permiates from his actions.) But when I said whatever, it honestly wasn't an attempt to manipulate. It was an attempt to show indifference. I wanted him to think I didn't care, becuase I really think he was testing me to see how I would react. I should have called, instead of txting, no wait, HE should have called me.. I wanted to call & tell him exactly how I felt. But I didn't trust myself to stay cam & rational about it. About 30 minutes later, he txted "are you mad?" By this point, I wasn't mad so much as just felt like going to sleep & not dealing with it. So I replied "no". He replied "I think you are". I was already in bed, and the txts were just a nuisance. I didn't feel like getting out of bed to go back 'n forth with him so the noises didn't wake the kids. I didn't reply at all. I did well in some ways. In the past I would have called him and started in on how he was being irresponsible, inconsiderate, etc. He would have said I was being controlling, and the fight would have lasted for days. I thought about calling, had the phone in my hand..but I knew it would be trouble. If I am to be honest, I wanted to call more to hear background noise then anything. And then what? But then this morning, I instantly checked the computer to see if he got on last night when he got home. He didn't. Now I feel like a idiot. He probably was at A***'s house the whole time. I have no evidence to the contrary (yes, I even checked his pockets, etc... *sigh*) I can't yet get to the point where I don't "fact check". I wish I could. It's draining me, depressing me and making me feel like a control freak. Anyway, this is why I'm grading myself so low, along with the "whatever" comment, however it was intended. I should have tried harder to find something else to say that showed indifference, other then my traditional manipulative, passive aggressive word. On another front... I'm struggling with how to act towards him. He's shown no signs of decision, and I REFUSE to ask if he's made one. All that will do is set me up for pain I think. I have to wait it out and see what he DOES, it matters nothing to me (or at least it should) what he says, since he's proven he's a liar. Actions speak louder then words. I need to tatoo that on some part of my body so I remember it.. The reason I'm struggling.. I really want this decision (to leave us or face his addiction) to be HIS. I don't want it to be a response to something I say or do. So, where does that leave me for the next 28 days? I feel like if I am "too nice" he either won't take me seriously, or will think "hey, she's being nice to me, I"ll stay." (Since one of his complaints is that I'm a b****) Neither of these will produce the results I want..him staying because he's owning up to his crap & dealing with it. I feel like if I'm too distant, he'll think "what's the point of trying?" and that will be the final nail in the coffin. So, I'm trying to stay in the middle. Which is a seriously exhastively HARD thing to do! I asked him if he was coming home for lunch yesterday (to show interest) but didn't make his lunch for him like I normally would (to show distance). Last night was another example. I told him I was going to bed (like married people should do), but I didn't question him on where he was (like I used to do...questioning could have shown that I cared where he was, wanted him home, or that I was just being controlling..double edged sword I choose not to weild.) But the night before last, I went to bed alone, and when I said, good night, he didn't reply. The night before that, we went to bed together, and he didn't say a word. So, obviously he's getting better at shutting off emotion then I am, or distancing maybe. It's hard to go about day-to-day life without constantly thinking, knowing, that he's got the power to change that day-to-day life in the blink of an eye. We talk about fixing the van, for example. It broke down the other day. The whole time, I'm thinking to myself, omg, what if he doesn't fix it before he goes? What am I going to do? Or he mentions his bonus he's getting mid September. And I'm thinking, will he save it for xmas ike we planned or will he use it to get an apt? I feel (when I'm being nice) like I'm silently begging him to stay, and I feel like he can see right through it, that he knows. So then I find myself intentionally being aloof so as to counteract the "niceness" but then I feel like I'm pushing him away, which I guess I am..lol ugh Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that anything I say or do will even impact his decision one way or the other. Perhaps I should rethink this.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 22, 2007 7:29:44 GMT -5
On another front... I'm struggling with how to act towards him. He's shown no signs of decision, and I REFUSE to ask if he's made one. Based on other SOs who have given them a week, a month, six months - they will wait until the night before deadline - and then the SO will bring up the topic and the PA will be evasive. It's more of their "if I ignore it, it will go away" attitude. I asked my PA the night before the deadline - it was the wrong move. Because then he knew I had a vested interest and he was the one in power. If I could have kept my yap shut for 24 more hours, then he would have been in the less powerful position.... well, probably not because his head was in denial and porn fog... so it was more "Huh? You really meant that?" type of you're not fully human or equal to me type response. I know you didn't ask for opinions, but if you're interested, here's mine: [trigger]I think you're going to wear yourself out overanalyzing what's going on. Just be yourself. Even if you're trying to take the middle road - do you really think a PA takes their head out of the porn fog long enough to analyze... "gee, maybe she didn't make my lunch because she's hoping I'll see how my responsibilities will change if/when she leaves me?" I don't think they think those thoughts. He probably thinks something like, "Guess she's been busy with the kids - I'll help her out by making my own meal." That way he sees himself as the hero who deserves to get his "fix." In my opinion, PAs don't think like non-PAs think. So trying to outguess him or second guess him or try to influence his thinking is probably a futile exercise. My suggestion: Just try to enjoy your children, enjoy your possible last month as an intact family. Make plans for your own financial and emotional security if he makes the wrong choice. Focus on you and your children and let him be a periphery in your life (like you are when he's in porn-fog). Our influence pretty much ends when we give the much-needed ultimatum. Then it's out of our hands and into theirs. I know that sucks big green cold popsicles but that's how it works. I remember during our first in-house separation, I would fluctuate from being stern in my detachment, then run into his arms and even pleasure him sexually (with nothing for me) hoping he'd choose to stay. I about drove myself batty running the spectrum of responses to the pain of a potential break up and hoping that wouldn't happen. After several in-house separations, I now seldom even think much of him - in fact, it's against my recovery plan, if I remember correctly. My focus is to be on my healing and restoring my serenity and self-esteem. He can deal with his own stuff. He may go, he may up the ante to physical adultery - but then it makes my decision cut and dried.. you physically cheat, bye-bye, hubbie." Oops, sorry to get off on my own rant. [/trigger] The going to bed and him not talking to me was just rude, in my opinion; what bothered me is we could have a rip-roaring fight or confrontation and he'd be asleep 30 seconds after his head hit the pillow. That really made me feel like an object. One of the reasons I did the in-house separation. Could you get a mechanic to fix it within the next couple weeks so you'll feel secure you will have transportation if he makes the WRONG choice? I think I addressed my opinion of that in the "trigger" portion. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart breaks when a man with children puts his family through so much crap. I'm glad you're being strong and standing up for what is right and moral. I can't imagine what an emotional toll that is making on you. I said a prayer for you. LookingUp
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Post by isopeace on Aug 22, 2007 7:50:05 GMT -5
Thank you LU. I think you just helped more then you know. My agonizing over my actions and thier effect/no effect on his decision is in direct conflict with why I'm here...searching for peace. I'm not peaceful...I'm creating turmoil within myself... As far as his lunch ... he usually gets angry if it's not ready for him.. maybe that's more of a reason NOT to make it. It will come up later in an arguement...well you didn't even make my lunch!! And the van..he's been a mechanic for 15 years..he would never "let" me take it to get fixed, and I don't have the financial means to do that even if I could. We (he) can get the part for less then a hundred bucks, and he can fix it for free..so I'm at his mercy on this one. I'm going to read into your post as basically this.. I need to create as much emotional indifference towards him as I can. I'm going to work on that. Not being mean, witchy, etc, just being indifferent, as if he was a roommate. Maybe asking him to sleep somewhere else until the decision is made would help? I dunno.. Anyway, thanks for your advice. It really did help. And for your prayer....I tried doing that myself. I never thought it was possible to forget how to pray, but man, it sure felt like I just didn't know what to say, or how. Here's to enjoying my day (before I go to work) and watching my children grow up..it's one of my few pleasures lately, but I think I've been neglecting to indulge in it enough.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 22, 2007 12:18:06 GMT -5
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Post by isopeace on Aug 23, 2007 7:27:48 GMT -5
Thank you LU, yet again. I'll check those out, as this whole "detaching" thing is obviously not going well for me. __________________________________________ Reflections on day 28 What an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. I'm going to put "trigger" on this whole thing. I don't trust myself to be calm enough to filter what I'm saying, and I don't want anyone who might read this to be upset by it. I need to vent, I need to release all my thoughts honestly.... raw, rambling thoughts. It probably won't help, but it will feel good. [trigger]The day began with finding phone #'s and names in his wallet (while searching for truth on his whereabouts the night before). I knew they had to be either therepists or lawyers. So I asked him which they were...bad move. Somewhere in the middle of the day was his anger at me for "controlling" him (me being upset with his lack of respect to my feelings the night before), for going through his wallet, and for just being me I guess. Somewhere in the middle he said "if I had a g/f, which I dont'..but if I did, there's nothing you could do to stop me." Somewhere in the middle, he told me over 'n over again, THIS IS WHY I don't want to be with you. I'm sick of the questions, I'm sick of being treated like a child, sick of YOu not respecting ME. It ended with him screaming FU in my face over and over and over...in front of my 7 yr old daughter. It ended with me telling him to sleep somewhere else other then in my bed. It ended with me telling him to forget the 30 day deadline, and be out by Sunday night (I need a few days to change my work schedule & find someone to watch the kids.) It ended with me telling him anymore threatening, harrassing, abusive or uncontrollable behavior before then and I wouldn't hesitate to call someone to get him removed immediately. The phone numbers were divorce lawyers. So, 2 days into his ultimatum countdown, he's asking some girl (what he told me) at work for a "good divorce laywer referal." It's funny as seeing how he says he doesn't know what he wants, the first thing he does is think divorce. How dare he? Am I just angry becuase I should have done it a long time ago, and he just beat me to it? Why does it burn me so bad that he has a few phone numbers? How stupid is that? I felt like he had already made a choice, and was just waiting me out... (didn't someone (LU i think) warn me of that?) And how come he doesn't know what he wants?? Am I really all that bad that I'm not a clear cut choice over empty conversations & stupid addictive pictures??? Why am I not worth more? Then I find out this am that he signed up for a PA message board yesterday, asking for help, saying his addiction is ruining his marraige, he needs to go to SA, knows he needs to, etc etc. And, it makes me feel like (expletive) to say it, but this angered me as well. I can't quite get a grip on why. I should be happy he's reaching out, right? I should be supportive of the effort. It feels like too little too late. It feels like a peace branch. It feels "fake". I feel like I'm being manipulated again. Like the only reason he signed up for the site is to "un-do" his getting divorce lawyer info. Like he's just trying to say, see? Im just exploring my options, but I really DO want to get help..I think.. I feel played. In some sick part of my mind, I wonder if he had someone write those names down, put them in his wallet, thinking that I'd look since I was going to be mad about him staying out late. Like it was just a ploy on his end to see my reaction to him searching for a lawyer. And I fell into the game. What a idiot I am. Fine, explore away. But I don't want to care anymore. I need to remember.... ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDSDespite the feeling that I want to protect him from the shame of admitting his "faults", I have to let him go. Protection will do him more harm then good. I know that. I have to wait him out. No...I have to go on with my life. I have to move on. I have to leave him in my shadow and let his actions (or non-actions) be what they are.. I have to be willing to accept that he isn't going to change so I stop being hurt. If he does change, and it happens to even partially save whats left of this pathetic marraige, then it will just be a pleasant suprise. Despite the feeling that if he would just do this one thing, everything would be fine, I can't really believe that. It's not true. There's too many other things besides the PA/SA. There's anger, there's lies, there's no trust, no respect, a lack of maturity. Could all these things change? Yes. Will they? Probably not. And how much damage is being done while waiting for the change? Are the ends worth the means? He keeps saying I ruined the marraige just as much as he did. I can't face that responsibility. I know I have issues, some are clearly stated at the beginning of this journal, and there's more I intend to add. But I'm not willing to admit at this point that any of them are "deal-breakers", that any of them are the reason my marraige is all but over. Maybe this is wrong, I'm not sure. I don't think it really matters at this point, except for the fact that my issues need to be worked on, with or without this marriage. I tried, I really did. I tried not to show my anger. I tried not to let him know that I cared whether he comes or goes. I tried to stay calm. I failed. It was a complete and utter failure in every aspect. I gave him yet another deadline, just a shorter one, and now i want to take it back (he has nowhere to go...not my problem, I know..but typing those words don't make me "feel" like it's not my problem..), but then again, I want him to go. Ugh for lack of decision. I can't live like this. I can't be honest about my feelings to someone who calls me stupid & f'ed up because I have those feelings. I can't let my daughter continue to see him belittle me & have such lack of respect & love. I can't let her see me so out of control of myself. She deserves a husband who will treasure her, respect her, love her. She deserves to be happy, secure & to love herself. She's never going to believe she's worth that if this is all she sees. My sons are going to grow up thinking this is ok, this is a great life to live, this is how we should treat the women who bear our children. If money was no concern (it is), I'd make him leave. I could deal with the fallout, the kids (my daughter mostly) being upset, the whole world as we know it turning upside down. I think I'd feel better without him. I think I"d be happier, more confident. And yet, I feel like I'm holding on to him with everything I have. In the back of my mind, I'm silently begging this man to stay. WTF is that about? WHY? So he can belittle me? So we can fight the rest of our lives? So I can continue to be his play toy when the pictures and fantasies of other women aren't enough? Why is it so hard for my brain to grasp that YOU NEED TO LET GO. HE DOESN"T LOVE YOU. HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT YOU. LET HIM GO. I"m fighting a loosing battle and the only way to win is to be able to understand these things, really understand them, beat them into my head untill I "get it".[/trigger] Goal for today... don't let thoughts of all this crap consume me. Break away from it. Own my emotions, don't let them own me. Begin thinking what my future is going to look like, how I want it to be.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 23, 2007 8:39:36 GMT -5
Somewhere in the middle of the day was his anger at me for "controlling" him (me being upset with his lack of respect to my feelings the night before), for going through his wallet, and for just being me I guess. I think that's a diversionary tactic. If he can change the topic then it gets the heat off his addiction and poor behavior. It's a sick smokescreen, in my opinion. ((((((((((((( isopeace)))))))))) I'm so sorry you two had to go through that. What a selfish jerk. Even if you'd been malicious, evil and rude - you still didn't deserve that. You innocent daughter certainly didn't. Good boundary. I wouldn't want to sleep with somebody who'd just been so rude, either. Good boundary. I imagine what he really wants is you, his bad behavior and his porn.... to his addicted brain that probably seems "normal" and "logical" and how dare you take his cookies away. Did your children ever throw a tantum when they were 2 or 3? What he's doing is a 30+ year old's version of the 2 year old tantum. It's NOT that you're not worth it. You are. Any sane man would be proud to have you for a wife. BUt he's a sick-brained, addict. Please think of his addiction as NOT about you. Please think of it like heroin. If you'd give him a choice of stop shooting heroin or leave - would you have felt quite so devestated that he picked his drug? It sounds like he hasn't decided if he wants his drug or his real life. To us non-addicted, sane-brained people, it's an obvious choice - choose what's healthy - our marriage, our life. But it's not that cut and dried when they know they have to go through withdrawal and figure out how to manage life without yanking their weinie to dirty photos. Sounds like he's really fence setting. I can understand that. My husband's two counseling appointments felt like too little, too late with not enough dedication and enthusiasm. It also made me mad I had to threaten to leave him if he didn't get help. What grown man puts his wife in the position to have to risk her family's security before he'll get help? We're put in a position that is totally humiliating and disgusting by having to say "pick me or porn" - getting to the place to say that rips our heart out. And they're too self-absorbed to notice or validation that pain they caused by putting us in that position. I don't think it was probably a game on his part - unless there's more at play then normal porn addiction. I don't think most active addicts think much past their next fix. I would guess (could be wrong); the bit of sane brain he has left wants help to salvage his marriage and his life/sanity. The addicted part of his brain is so terrified of giving up his fix that he'd rather get a divorce then face life without the brain-chemical rush.. his drug of choice. There's a real battle going on inside. I know this because I go through it after a slip in my food addiction. Excellent goals. Go on with your life, become the best you that you can be. Leave him in your dust. My counselor said I've left my husband in the dust and that frightens him because he knows he doesn't hold a candle to my growth. He is in some minor ways now trying to play catch up so he doesn't loose me. She says some of it is the domino effect. I behave differently so his old stuff no longer works; so he has to find new responses that are appropriate. I agree with what you wrote - the only one that I could see that would be a potential deal breaker is being emotion driven. I know that I did a lot of damage to my husband, my marriage and myself when I would drama-mama rant and curse at him. I'm not sure if your emotion-driven was/is to the point of extreme verbal abuse or not - but mine was. Mine were always in reaction to his addictions and lies though - so I would only take 40% of the blame of messing up the marriage. Had he obeyed his vows, then I wouldn't have had anything to rant about, either. But my other issues, like yours, were just annoyances to me and healing them would make me a better person, thus a better marriage partner. I understand that. My husband had nowhere to go. Can you imagine sending a 58 year old home to mommy or daughter? If we had children together, I would feel awful for embarrassing him in front of his children. Their dad - the homeless man. But on the other hand - had I kicked him out - it was because he repeatedly broken his wedding vows, too. It wasn't like he forgot to take out the trash or left his socks on the floor. Looks like both of you are struggling in determining what you really what. I so admire you for that. My ex (20 year marriage) was mildly verbally abusive PA. Now I see our sons having trouble having health man-woman relationships; youngest son is a PA. Yeah, they learned that from him.... but they also learned that from me for not setting boundaries and insisting he treat me with respect. Yes, I feel guilty for that - but I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time. If money is the major issue, could you take in a housemate? Sell the house and buy something smaller? Would you be able to make it with spousal support and child support along with your job? (Just think about questions, not asking for you to tell all.) Part of me does that, too. I know what he was like when we dated. I know that's down there hidden inside him. I know that he didn't put on an act for 16 months. I want that man back and I'll fight tooth and nail to find him. I see enough glimpses of him almost daily (more often in the past month). I don't want to kick him out, end the marriage and then he re-finds the great man I married - just in time to give the good guy to another woman. The way I broke the power of those fearful thoughts was to memorize scripture and soothing poems. Then I had something to quickly replace the downward spiral of icky thoughts. I knew if I had to go find my book - then I'd already be caught in the tsunami of painful thoughts and swept away. As soon as I caught that cycle of icky thoughts swirling around me, then I'd think, speak, sometimes scream things I'd planned that brought me comfort and helped me feel safe and sane. I don't know if that works for others, but it did for me. Sometimes just singing happy songs - even Kermit the frog songs (Ranbow Connection especially) - helped me focus on anything other then the swirling drain of what he was doing. Sorry you're hurting. Sorry last night was so traumatic. Sorry he was a butt-head. You're in my thoughts and prayers. LookingUp
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Post by isopeace on Aug 23, 2007 13:31:58 GMT -5
A letter to you
Where do I start? By saying that I loved you? By saying that I thought it was perfect fate that we seemed so perfect together? By saying that even after all of this, somewhere deep inside of me lies a small glimmer of hope that the safety I felt when in your arms for the first time is somehow achieveable again?? By saying that I hate what you have become? BY saying that some times I'm afraid of you? By saying that the thought of giving you one more chance is terrifying? By saying that I'm not sure you are strong enough? By saying that I wouldn't wish your affliction on my worst enemy?
You have broken me, into more pieces then I ever thought possble. I'm not trying to make you feel like (expletive), although there's been many times I wished you could feel my pain. I just wish you could see things the way I do...how your secret desires are destroying me. I wish that it didn't stab my heart, make me feel empty, dead inside & hopeless for our future when I read you wonder "things" about every woman that walks by you in the store. I wish that I could read your mind, because unlike a drug addiction that has obvious outward signs, I'll never know if you are keeping your thoughts pure, even if you achieve sobriety. Someday, I'll have to learn to trust again. How? How long will it be before I can believe in you again? In us again? Should I not even bother? Will you take this chance to better your life? Will you ever understand that you are empty inside, and the things you are seeking to fill yourself with are just as empty? Can you ever grasp the reality that you are going to loose everything you love? Are they worth it? You take me to the brink of hatred & back again...one minute making me wish I never knew you, the next making me wish I could just hold you & take all the crap away. I know you say you don't know what you want. You say you don't love me, don't want me. If that's so, fine, so be it. I'll never even for a second become so low as to beg a man to love me. but if you, even for a blink of an eye, think that spark you used to have for me still resides in yourself, then stop. Think about what you are doing. Think about the pain you are inflicting on yourself, on me. Believe in yourself, that you can erase it all, with some hard work & patience & help. Please stop making me wonder. Please stop playng with my heart. Please stop telling me what I want to hear, just tell me the cold hard truth. I can take it, I promise. I wish you peace, even if you choose to go. I hope you find that certain thing that fills your void. I hope years from now, you can look back and say, I made the right choice. For now, I'm going to search for my own peace, my own sanity, my own serenity. Perhaps we'll meet on the other side of this craziness.
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Post by isopeace on Aug 24, 2007 6:06:32 GMT -5
Reflection on Day 27
A very quiet day. He went to work in the morning, I left for work when he got home. When I came home, he left to p/u his paycheck at the home office, I went to bed.
A very quiet, lonely day.
I'm nervous about Sunday. I had a dream last night that it was late Sunday night, and I found him sleeping on the ground at a gas station. I really want to tell him that it's ok to stay if he can continue being civil, and just enforce some kind of in house seperation. But another part of me is saying to just let him go if come Sunday night he goes. If not, deal with it then.
And I see that he has asked his pa board how to "convince her it's an addiction, not just me wanting other women". They told him to bring me to the board, so I can read the SO's threads and maybe he can help me see the "truth" by showing me the board. I just had to laugh inside so I don't get ultra ticked. I already know it's an addiction. I told HIM it was an addiction. I don't need to be shown the "truth". I know it's not about me, it's not about him just wanting someone else. I know it's deeper then that. It will be interesting to see if he actually invites me to the board. I won't go there and post unless he does. THe only reason I"ve read what he wrote is becuase he's left it in the history, so he obviously isn't trying to hide it....probably his passive agressive way of telling me he wants to get help. But, the good news is he has been doing a lot of reading there. Maybe they can show HIM the "truth", seeing as I never could.
Today I'm going to look for an online Bible devotional type hting. I don't have a Bible anymore, and no money to get one, so it's a start...
Today I'm going to do something just for me. I don't know what, but I need something that will make me feel human again. I'm starting to feel like a robot, cold, empty and with rusty joints.
Here's to another quiet lonely day.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 24, 2007 6:52:31 GMT -5
You sound much more calm today. I pray that peace lasts throughout the day. I'm going to look for an online Bible devotional type hting. I don't have a Bible anymore, and no money to get one, so it's a start... Here's some online Bibles: bible.crosswalk.com/www.biblegateway.com/www.studylight.org/ Good for you! LookingUp
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Post by isopeace on Aug 25, 2007 7:07:38 GMT -5
Reflections on day 26
Alot of emotional turmoil yesterday, and probably today.
I had a talk with my fathers wife, and basically the result of the conversation was me bawling my eyes out. It seems that my children are so obviously (to everyone but me apparently) messed up that people who only see them once a month or so can tell they need counseling. Maybe they do...in fact, I'm sure they do. Thier whole lives have been one emotionally f'ed up situation after another, from thier father to me to my h...it has never ended. There has never been peace. Now they have anger issues, insecurities, etc.... I hope it's not too late. It was gut wrenching to know I have noone to blame but myself for this..I spent a few hours really upset, tearing myself down. I need to find them counseling. Should be interesting forcing a 12 yr old boy whos stronger then I am to go....
Then I went to work and put on a happy face.
Came home, and h asked me if he really had to leave by Sunday night. I said, no, we can return to the original 30 day plan provided there is no more emotionally out of control outbursts like the other day. He admitted it was "a little out of line", but there was no apology, I'm not suprised. That would take humility, something he lacks at present.
I told him I've been doing alot of personal "inventory" and there's alot of things I wanted to change, the atmosphere in the house, my communication skills, etc. He tried to say "you've said that before"...I said, "I've said things before, you've said things before too...it doesn't matter, I don't care what has been said, this is here and now..I want these things to change, they NEED to change."He didn't really say much after that, just shut down I guess...
I went to bed and cried for a good while. Not sure why, I mean, there was no concrete "reason". I was confused & sad about alot of things, just felt tired, empty & alone. He slept in a different room again, for the 3rd night.. I'm glad he hasn't asked to come back in my bed. I miss him there, but it's a good thing right now. It would be too easy to forget why I kicked him out of the bed in the first place if he came back in so soon. I have to keep reminding myself that as of now, he still has not shown me ACTIONS that prove he wants to change. This means we are just one day closer to the end.
He's been checking up on me while I'm at work, seeing what websites I'm going to, etc. It kinda makes me mad, but I'm still compulsively checking up on him..lol...so I guess turnabout it fair play right? Although, it doesn't feel fair, I at least have reason to believe I need to. I'm just trying to look at it like this....he's going to see that I've been looking at websites dealing with detachment, bible study, Sa-anon, etc. Perhaps it will be good for him to keep seeing those things in the history..maybe it will affirm to him that I for one am at least attempting to make changes.
So far, I've been clearing the history of this site, only because I need more time to feel comfortable that he will not use my honesty here against me somehow. I feel a bit guilty, as I keep preaching honesty, but I just feel like letting him see this would just give him ammo to hurt me with at this point. I don't think he's mature enough or at a place where he can respect my writings & what they represent.
Yesterday, and so far today, I feel defeated, deflated, lonely, restless, useless, hopeless. I *know* in my mind these are mostly self-destructive thoughts, but I can't release the hold they have had on me since yesterday. I'm going to try Mayberry's prayer technique today. Perhaps that will help. I've also been flirting with the idea of going back on my depression meds. I hate doing that, it feels like a crutch..but I might have to for a little while to stay "even".
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Had a wierd experience at work the other day. I'm a waitress at a family restaurant, and usually the customers are very nice, respectful, etc. Well, the other night, this one guy & his son (10-12 yr old) came in and sat at one of my tables. The whole time he kept me running for "one more" this, "more of" that...which is fine..except that he was NOT looking at my face while talking to me. Ok, yeah, so they are DD, big whoop, I'm wearing a white button down shirt and a brown apron over that, it's not like you can see ANYTHING...so why stare? And every other word was sweetie, honey, sweetheart....gag me. I felt so used & degraded in those 15 minutes. I finally told myself if he was still there the next time I looked, I'd tell my manager I wasn't going back to that table...he was gone thankfully. I felt so angry & sad for that little boy. He's going to grow up (like so many other children) thinking it's ok to act that way to every woman you meet. If I had been anywhere else other then work, that man would have gotten a piece of my mind..and maybe my fist.. <evil laugh> Seriously, I can't remember the last time someone I didn't know made me feel so absolutley dirty, grossed out, creepy, & used... The odd thing is that this type of behavior 2 years ago probably wouldn't have affected me this way. I woulda said to myself, ah, he's a womanizer, whatever..and that would have been the end of it. I just thought it was interesting how this time I reacted so strongly & differently. _______________________________________________
Goals for today... get rid of this toothache, clean the cat litter, and smile, just once. Play with the kids. Pick one thing from my "need to change" pool and begin working on it.. think more about "what my life should look like" and how do I get there?
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 25, 2007 9:13:32 GMT -5
Glad your husband and you were able to talk without WW3 breaking out. Sounds really positive. I'm sorry you feel your children need counseling - that must be really painful to admit; but that's soooo wonderful of you for recognizing that. I agree 12-year olds can be pretty hard to get to obey. My oldest from age 12 to 14, I really wanted to rent him out for a few years to a family who needed the stress. Then he turned 15 and I could use the "if you can't act more mature/responsible then that - then you won't get your driver's license next year." Worked like a charm. I feel for ya'. The second child (2 years younger), I could say, "Does that sound like you or a repeat of your older brother a couple years ago?" And he'd stop the puberescent posturing really fast saying, "I never want to be a jerk like HE was." and find a polite way to word it or to negotiate if it was something he didn't want to do. I understand about the no apologies. I'm not sure it's lack of humility, selfishness, inability to empathize or all three. But I know how it hurts to not get them. If my husband would accidentally bump another person in the grocery store so their coats brushed each other he'd be all over himself apologizing asking how he could make it up to them, blah, blah. But he can rip my heart out through my left ear and not notice? Aurgh. Is there such a think as selective intelligence? I waitressed at one time. Aurgh. I certainly understand the dirty old man syndrom and the compassion for his child. Glad to see so many positives. You sound really sad. I pray you'll find some joy this weekend. LookingUp
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Post by isopeace on Aug 25, 2007 13:48:03 GMT -5
The following is pieces I grabbed from a link I was given by LU as a resource in helping me understand detachment. So many of these things scream ME... I really need to take the time to sort them out, and figure out how/why each of them pertain to my life, if they do or can. Man, I got my work cut out for me.. but nothing worth accomplishing is easy right? Food for further thought... Detachment is theAbility to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves. Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational. Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself. Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing. Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling. Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.'' Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you. If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you: Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you. Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do. Can become an obsessive ``fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect. Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things. Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you. Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual. Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project. Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy. Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result. Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship. Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen. Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing. Detachment is a control issue because: It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.'' If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control. The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control.'' If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control. You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach. You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved. You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself. You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems. If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs. By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them. Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and responsibility. It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent, and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become. All taken from www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
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