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Post by isopeace on Oct 9, 2007 9:29:38 GMT -5
Jinn...thank you as always. I think the "list excercise" might be just what the doctor ordered. I'll try that today, or at least try to identify the things that should be on the list of "major weights". And if putting something as stupid & mundane as "doing dishes" is ok, then I might be able to do this one... As far as the depression...I am. I know I am. I have been diagnosed with depression before. I think its been an ongoing battle since my early teens, maybe before. There are periods of time where I'm fine (or at least can act fine) and then there are periods of time where I feel as if I'm suffocating from it. This is one of those times. I have been to a counselor, a few years ago. She was helpful, but expensive. I stopped going becuase insurance wouldn't cover it (considered it preexisting becuase she put on the paperwork that I had been suffering it for years) and becuase the little progress I was making was being undermined by H. He would get angry that I was becoming more secure in myself, more "independant" and less worried about "him". The things her & I explored brought up hosts of emotions, some good, some bad, and when I'd come home upset, he told me she was making me worse. I'm still resentful to him for that...I think if he had encouraged me, I would have continued going, just maybe cutting back to once a month or something to offset the costs..I dunno. I have been prescribed medication, but never take it. I say I'm going to, start for a day or two, then just don't....perhaps this is passive aggressive too. H used to ask me if I took my non-bi!ch pill today if I was particularly moody. He'd throw it in my face if the subject of divorce & custody ever came up..what judge would give a mother her children if she was dependant on drugs to be "normal". then he would say why bother taking them? They don't make you any better. He's always had problems with my mood swings. He'd tell you to this day thats the one thing he hates the most about me, the one thing he can't stand, that I'm miserable all the time, never happy, and I have these huge mood swings. He seems to think I can flip a switch somewhere & shut them off...god, I wish I could. And when I say they are uncontrollable, he says I should be able to understand his "issues" then... Anyway, I should stop blaming him. I choose not to medicate myself, I chose to stop the counseling. They are my reactions...not his choices. <sigh> I came home from work last night, was in the room with him a good 15 minutes before he even said hello. I got online, browsed here for awhile, then got up to go to bed. On my way through, I asked him "why are we playing the Ignore Game?" He said, I'm not, I just don't have anything to say." I said ok. He said, why, do you? I said no (because I'm (trying) not going to "force" conversations anymore) and walked away..off to bed. I was very angry (hurt..its a cover for hurt) that he has "nothing to say". It kills me. How about "I'm sorry?" How about "Can we talk about this?" How about "My day was "xyz", how was yours?" How about anything at all? I do not like the way this is feeling...he's angry at me I think, he's distancing, and I can't (shouldn't) pull him back. I keep telling myself this is ok. It's ok that we have some distance right now. Yea, it sucks, but it's ok..it's for the better. It's giving me time to think, giving him time to think. This is what I do..when we start this stupid distancing thing, I get desperate to pull us back together, at any cost. I've given s-x under the pretense of trying to dispel the distance. I've apologized for things I shouldn't have had to. I've swallowed pride, minimized my feelings, the list goes on and on. I can't imagine this is healthy. Perhaps thats what he's waiting for. Maybe he thinks if he's silent, I'll come to him without hesitation. I don't think I can this time. I don't even know that I *honestly* want to. I think a part of me does, but just so I can keep avoiding the real "issues", so I can pretend everything will be ok. And I don't want to pretend anymore. I'm struggling with the reality of his addiction. He says he doesn't "need" p, doesn't even want it anymore. He says if he could just change his mindset, he'd be fine... I feel guilty. He says these "thoughts" he has haven't always been there...that the pictures used to be enough. He described it as a river that you try to dam. You use pictures, then close off that stream, so the waters (addiction) have to go elsewhere, so they go to dvds lets say..then you close that off, so they go to chatting...then you close that off, so they go to thoughts about women in real life. Well,whos the one that dammed the rivers? Me. I made it impossible to look at anything in the house without getting caught. Then I made it impossible to chat without getting caught. So, in reality, by trying to "control" his A/O, I just forced the progression. If I had just let him stop or not stop on his own when it was "just pictures" then he wouldn't be in the mental wasteland he's in right now. This is hard to swallow, becuase that means I created the monster that is my life as I know it right now. The idea that it is all in his mind now is what is smothering my hope for us. And I did that. I was trying to help, I was trying to make him want to stop, I was trying to keep my home p-free. I was trying to make my husband not want "them". It's funny, because I used to say that I wished it was real women, at least then it would be worth his time. (I know now that was a very hurtful thing to say..full of anger, venom & sarcasm) When he said "you should be happy they are just pictures, not real women" I'd say, it wouldn't matter..It wouldn't hurt anymore or any less... bullsh!t. It hurts way more. They are a real threat to me. I can't compete with an airbrushed picture, but I could always "grasp" that concept.. well, I'll be damned..I can't compete with a mom of 4 who just happens to catch your eye in the store becuase she's better looking then I am either....and THAT is a threat to me....and I created the threat. Bleh..I'll come back to this later...I'm starting to lose focus on this & get angry..I don't want to be angry today.
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Post by beehappy on Oct 9, 2007 9:43:29 GMT -5
(((ISO))) I read your last passage and have bit of feed back (if you don't mind). You did not create this monster. This monster was there waiting to explode - regardless of how you tried to protect yourself or your DH. It is NOT your fault or your responsibility to control or destroy this monster. Please do not take on that type of responsibility and guilt. It is not your burden to carry. You have every right to have a P free home and a P free relationship - - by any means necessary!! I see this as him gas lighting you to shift the blame to you. Of course he didn't always have those thoughts - - but HE trained his brain to chose those different paths - - you didn't!!!! In the Carnes book he talks about the paths of addict thinking which lead to behavior which then lead to chemical reactions - - at NO POINT does Carnes discuss the responsibility the SO has for forming or breaking these patterns (or "rivers"). It is the ADDICT'S responsibility!!!! ISO - - I am sending you a big ((HUG)) and some support. Take care of yourself!! Let go of the guilt (easier said than done - said the pot to the kettle ) Bee P.S. - Doing the dishes is not mundane - - it is a necessary task that helps the functioning of the household. If that is what you do today - - then you completed a necessary task and can feel you contributed greatly to the sanitation and purification of your home environment ;D.
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Post by isopeace on Oct 9, 2007 11:38:29 GMT -5
(((ISO))) I see this as him gas lighting you to shift the blame to you. Of course he didn't always have those thoughts - - but HE trained his brain to chose those different paths - - you didn't!!!! In the Carnes book he talks about the paths of addict thinking which lead to behavior which then lead to chemical reactions - - at NO POINT does Carnes discuss the responsibility the SO has for forming or breaking these patterns (or "rivers"). It is the ADDICT'S responsibility!!!! He never said it was my fault. He described it as the river, with the dams, etc....but what I *took* from that description is that if *I* hadn't dammed things, it wouldn't have gone the way it did....because he never willingly put up dams, that was all me. He never came right out and said "it's all your (mine) fault" I wish I could get my brain to understand that it isn't my fault..the progression that is. Logically, I *know* that..but it doesn't feel that way, yk?
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Post by isopeace on Oct 9, 2007 12:00:31 GMT -5
ok, so a bit off topic, but here goes. I'm really angry at my mother right now. She's supposed to be coming over to get the kids on the bus & watch Elijah for me on Thursday when Mason has his surgery. She came over last week, knowing she was sick, and now me, H & Mason are sick (so I may have to postpone his surgery, which is another thorn in itself). When I called her to say we were sick, her reply was "Well, I hope you're not blaming me." Well, no, not directly, but the thought did cross my mind that it's entirely possible we got sick from you.. but that's ok. Then, 2 days ago, she called to say that lo & behold, she now has pnemonia. Great. I said, do I need to get a backup plan for Thursday? She said no, I'm on antibiotics, so by then I'll be fine. Well, this am, she calls me to say "You have a backup plan right? I don't think I can make it Thursday." Well, apparently, they made her stay home in bed yesterday, and now her back hurts so bad that she can "barely move". She does have legitimate back problems stemming from a drunk driver hitting her while she was walking across the street 28 years ago. She's had to have back surgeries and everything...so I can "hear" that her back is bothering her from laying in bed all day. But...Thursday is 2 days away, it should be better by then. And she knows there isn't really anyone else that can come here at 6:00 am and get the kids on the bus & watch Elijah for the day for me. And she has a way of over exagerating everything. And she's always coming up with reasons why she can't come over, and then complains that the kids barely know her. So, anyway, her suggestion was that if there was no possible way to get someone else to take care of the kids, I'd have to let my 7 yr old stay home from school and "help" her with Elijah for the day. Um, not a good back up plan imo. I'm just frustrated because it's not like I want to go out for dinner, or some other plans that are easily changed. I'm feeling like this is her retaliation because I told her I needed her here w/ the kids instead of at the hospital where she really wanted to be. I'm feeling like this is just another case of her being selfish & wanting people to change things for her. But then I'm also feeling angry at myself for feeling this way. I feel like I should be compassionate to her. I mean, she IS sick, her back DOES hurt... so why is my first reaction anger and not "wow, mom, i'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I have no problem at all trying to get a back up plan going" It makes me feel like a shi!!y daughter on one hand, but on the other I feel like I have reason to be upset.. I really do not have any other options. I could keep my daughter out of school, send her & Elijah to my fathers house (where he'll complain that they aren't behaved enough or quiet enough becuase he has a home business), but that would leave my 12 yr old home to get himself on the bus. I do not want to pull either one out of school for the day, but most definatly not him. the only other option is for me or H to stay home until they get on the bus & then take Elijah to my dad's, which would mean one of us wouldn't even get to the hospital until the surgery has already begun. UGH I didn't need this little kink in my day...
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Post by isopeace on Oct 9, 2007 20:57:35 GMT -5
I was originally going to journal about "unfinished" emotions...ya know, the type that you feel but don't allow yourself to feel until you are done feeling them.... But I feel drawn to explore something else for tonight, so that shall wait for another day.. FORGIVENESS Taken from Wikipeida:
Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitutionQuotes from www.forgivenessweb.com/RdgRm/Quotationpage.htmlForgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. I could see peace instead of this. This says (to me) if I let go & forgive, I will see peace instead of the anger & resentment that is clouding my world.Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are. Seeing with better eyes "We can recognize that the offender is a valuable human being who struggles with the same needs, pressures, and confusions that we struggle with. We will recognize that the incident really may not have been about us in the first place. Instead it was about the wrongdoer’s misguided attempt to meet his or her own needs. As we regard offenders from this point of view (regardless of whether they repent and regardless of what they have done or suffered), we will be in a position to forgive them. Umm....wow, if this isn't about forgiving someone for thier actions while slave to thier addiction, it should be IMO.There is nothing that in the end, cannot be forgiven, but there remains much that is inexcusable.I can forgive, but that doesn't mean I'm condoning the wrongful act.Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.Toughy, huh?I started a post in the partner's forum about this...here's what I wrote (for later thought should the post get lost in cyberland) I had a very long conversation with my father tonite about many things...mostly selfishness, compassion, and lastly, forgiveness.
Forgiveness = releasing someone of the debt you feel they owe you. Basically as I understand it, saying "I forgive you" is saying, ok, you don't *owe* me anything to make up for the pain you caused me. Forgiveness doesn't require amends. Forgiveness doesn't even require an apology. Forgiving is required for healing.
I'm trying to wrap my brain around the concept of releasing h from the obligation of "making it up" to me. . Should he want to? I think so....but I guess to forgive him I need to actually believe he doesn't owe it to me. This seems impossible. I think it's probably an important step though. I think I need to forgive him in order to move on, that perhaps forgiving him will release some of the anger & resentment.
And I will add that I believe forgiveness isn't a open door for continued heartache either. I "can" forgive someone and at the same time protect myself from thier future actions.
I think forgiving someone is a willful act, one you might have to force yourself to do at first, over and over again until your feelings match the words. But I can imagine its a very freeing thing when you can say "I forgive you" and mean it 1000%.
I really feel like this is a duh! moment..like I just "learned" what forgiveness means, or at least am becoming enlightened to its meaning.This is going to be very hard....not that I think it should be easy, but when I mean hard, I'm thinking harder then floating to the moon without a spacesuit. I've been holding on so tight to "YOU HURT ME!" as a rational explaination for so many things, my attitudes, my reactions, my everything. I've been demanding (sometimes quietly, sometimes not so) that he validate my pain, and make me feel better, in one way or another. Recover FOR ME, to PROVE you are sorry. TELL ME "x, y & z" so I *know* you are sorry. Make it up, amend, prove, show me, etc etc etc.... I feel like I deserve it dammit! Well, maybe I do, but perhaps it;s time to take a different approach. I say I want peace in my heart. I say I want peace in my life. What is the one thing stressing me out the most? That he will not SHOW me how much he is sorry, that he means it this time, that he owns my hurt. This is what I *think* he owes me. What will happen if I can let go of this feeling of entitlement? What will happen if I can TRUELY stop expecting him or obligating him to make amends? Yes, I honestly feel someone *should* make amends when they have hurt someone, especially someone you promised to cherish, love & protect for eternity. But those amends must come from a place of humility. Those amends must come as a result of his heart coming to a place where HE sees they are needed. Man, I said before I felt like this is a "light bulb" moment, and I really do, stupid as it sounds. I grew up in a very christian home. We were taught forgiveness among many other things. I can't believe that I had sort of forgotten what it meant, or never even thought of the importance it would have to my own healing process. I've never pretended to "forgive" him. I think I have forgiven him of some things, but there are some that have seemed too deep, too painful, too "wrong"..how could I forgive those? Forgiving seemed to me to be a bandaid that just said, "yeah, ok..go ahead, hurt me again, I'll forgive you <wink>" Man, if I could *really* forgive him...I can taste the freedom that would offer me....and him. I'm not giddy enough right now to trick myself into thinking it will be easy. In fact, I can hear the little voice in my mind saying..."now, wait a sec..do you really wanna do that? I mean, after all...he owes you. He hurt you. He deserves your anger. He deserves to have to grovel & beg & "amend" until he's blue in the face and ragged on the knees. Come on, don't get all forgive happy...let's just wait 'n see, k?" (can't ya just see the little horns??) But, ya know what? I'm going to try..really try. This will not lessen my resolve to have a p*rn/lust/crappola free marraige, home & life. This will not give him free reign to continue hurting me. This will NOT make me vulnerable or weak...in fact, it may make me stronger. This will not close the door on possible amends from his direction. This will HELP me. This will help HEAL me.I took a quick look-see back at the first page of my journal, and look what I find in the very first post... I want to be able to forgive him, even if he chooses not to stay with us.I'm finally starting to work on the list (and I didn't even *mean* to lol)...and that gives me a little hope. BTW...anyone notice the colors? lol I'm so proud of myself..I'm expanding into COLOR!! I'm editing to add this: I'm sitting here, feeling like I wish I was in the middle of a room of people, just so I could jump up and down and say "Look!! Look!! Look what I figured out! Isn't it so stupidly obvious & yet super inspiring at the same time!?! Look what I just thought of! Go me!!!" LOL...I feel like a retard feeling this "alive" over a mere thought of something I'm going to *try* to do... imagine how good it will feel to actually succeed?? note to self..explore this tomorrow.. www.hazelden.org/web/public/has40531.page
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 10, 2007 5:28:58 GMT -5
Wow! I hope this is a key to your freedom...I'm so proud of you, and so happy for you (especially the part where you went back and "mined" your own journal for clues to yourself and what you need). I'm jumping up and down with you! J
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Post by isopeace on Oct 10, 2007 7:42:43 GMT -5
Thanks Jinn!! It's nice to have a "jumping partner" ;D I am tired this morning, but I still feel empowered (and dare I say even a teeny bit peaceful) by the thought of being able to forgive. I'm going to begin listing the things I want/need to forgive H for. Originally I thought it would be healing for both of us to list them as I can, and share it with him. But, on second thought, I'm afraid if I say "I forgive you for _____", he'll read it as a reminder of "this is what you did to me". I think that forgiving means you don't feel the need to remind someone of the pain they inflicted, so perhaps listing it specifically, while therapudic (sp?) for me, may not be the best thing to share with him at this point. I'm hoping that by forgiving, I will be able to act in such a way towards him that he will notice a "change", even if he doesn't know *what* that change is. I have a feeling that I'm going to say "I forgive you for _______", and then have to remind myself at some later time that I have forgiven that, and re-release. I wish I could say "I forgive him for everything" and that would be enough. Alas, I don't think so..lol I think it will be a conscience effort on my part to forgive, then not un-forgive in the moments where I'm triggered to remember (and want to react on) the things I've already forgiven...if that makes sense. And I have a good feeling (since I know me so well) I will have to forgive the same thing over & over..until my mind & heart agree that it is forgiven. So, here is my list as I know it this morning. I'm not going to analyze each one. I'm not going to even reflect at this time wether I have/can/need/just want/or might not be able to forgive these things. I just want to start identifying the things that are floating "out there" that I feel I should forgive him for, that I will forgive him for. **warning...some of these things may be triggering, as they are probably not unique to *my* situation. I hope that I don't hurt anyone by posting them** I will forgive you for: -comparing me & my "grooming habits" to the strippers you used to hang out "backstage" with -making me feel like I wasn't good enough, never would be good enough -telling me I bored you -telling me you didn't have an addiction -not giving me the chance to know the "real you" before I married you -all the times you blamed me outright for your p use -belittling me over things you *know* I'm already sensitive about -expecting me to be perfect -continuing to lie to me, even when you *know* I know the truth -not being honest with yourself -not wanting to be a better husband -being selfish in so many ways -not understanding (and minimizing) my reactions to discovery -not showing empathy for me -lying to me seconds after you promised to tell the the truth -not being the man I *thought* you were based on your protrayal of yourself -minimizing -making me feel unsafe -making me feel unloved -"tricking" me into loving "you" -reminding me how my body has changed & how repulsive I am to you -using my diagnosed depression as a weapon aimed at me -saying you'd do anything to kill me -saying I wasn't your wife -not being able to control what you think about the women you see -being too lazy or stubborn to "fix" this without me "forcing" you to. -not wanting to make amends -not being able/willing to face how deeply you have hurt me -not being trustworthy There's more..but some of these are hitting me pretty hard right now. I'm thinking, wow..I *can't* forgive that..it's too hard. Forgiveness doesn't mean I don't still feel the pain. Forgiveness doesn't erase the bad actions. Forgiveness is not the same as saying "what you did was ok" or "what you did didn't/doesn't hurt me". But, I'm also seeing alot of "me" and things I've done in these things too... and that's a humbling thought. I think I've hurt him out of reaction to my own pain & resentment more then I know. I'm gonna go sip some coffee and think about this some more.
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Post by isopeace on Oct 10, 2007 7:56:44 GMT -5
I almost forgot...my list of "to-do's" today (need to think of a better name for this...)
1) dishes... hehe 2) folding the laundry that has been sitting on my kitchen table 3) put away said laundry (this is a HUGE stresser...it never gets done because I HATE doing it, but I equally hate that it doesn't get done) 4) talk to my mom about tomorrow..keep conversation firm, but loving 5) take a picture of Mason's hand for a keepsake 6) pick one thing I can forgive my H for...and actively work on granting that forgiveness. 7) spend 20 minutes dedicated to organizing one part of my house...20 minutes, no less, no more. 8) give myself a few minutes today just "for me" to enjoy something
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 12, 2007 5:24:32 GMT -5
Do you feel better? I read your last two posts with great interest...it seems to me a formidable amount of thinking through combined with actual "to-do" (and I'm also looking forward to hearing what you call your list. I refer to mine as "The Great To Do"--which is rather ironic--as much of it has to with feeding what others would call menial chores and returning phone calls, etc. Still, the pompous title helps me remember that, for me, it really is a vital part of my life. However, if you come up with a name...I may apply to steal it for myself! I'm shameless that way.) I'm holding you in thought today. You're terrific! J
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Post by isopeace on Oct 12, 2007 7:35:41 GMT -5
Hey Jinn... Thank you for your faithful visits to my journal If/When I come up with a better name, I'll let ya know, and you can use it if you'd like..I don't mind. The only thing on the list that got done that day was talking to my mom (issue resolved, but not "nicely"..more on that later) & that I began to single out things to actively forgive H on. Again, more on that later. OT- Mason's surgery was yesterday. It went well. Poor guy is in a cast completely covering his hand/arm up to his armpit. It's amazing how well they adapt so young...by this morning, he figured out how to crawl around just fine, and it's (the crawling difficulty) even pushing him to attempt more walking. This is cool , since he's pretty much given up on that after those first few times before. Elijah came down with some kind of stomach thing last night, so between the 2 boys, I was up every 15 minutes or so (sometimes stretches of an hour or more )from 12:30 last night till 5 this morning where I just gave up on any productive sleep. I think the only things on my list today will be "Get a nap" & "go easy on yourself". I'll write more later if I get the energy or time in between "puke patrol" & dosing out medicine.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 12, 2007 10:40:06 GMT -5
Glad to hear his surgery went well. Sounds like a rotten night....(hugs). I like your to do list for today! Sounds RIGHT and GOOD! Talk to you again soon. J
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Post by isopeace on Oct 15, 2007 8:22:45 GMT -5
Saturday night I came down with the stomach bug that Elijah had..came home early from work, skipped out of work yesterday. This morning, I finally feel back to "normal"...well, at least normal enough that I can drink some coffee, have some toast, and not worry about it's reappearance. There's a few things that have been bothering me the last few days. 1. I checked the keylogger on Saturday morning, for the first time in several days, and I see some screenshots that are completely black. It's odd, and unexplainable, to a semi-computer illiterate like me anyway. There's a normal shot, a black one or two, then a normal one... I dunno. I haven't asked him, nor do I think I will. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explaination that is just beyond my reach right now, and to mention it (ie. "blame" him) wouldn't do any good. But it hasn't happened since (I checked this am, just to see if it had happened again since.) This makes me feel as if they (black ones) aren't as innocent as I'd like to believe, but there's nothing in the surrounding screenshots (before or after in time sequence) to confirm this gut feeling, or even to justify suspicion...so, I think I'll just let this one go. 2. I've really been missing "contact" with him. I don't mean s*x....although that has crossed my mind I guess. I really mean just acting as if we aren't roommates. The day of Mason's surgery was nice. He was quite "in tune" with my nervousness, and made every effort to ease it. It was nice, actually having him show some concern my way. And, when I got sick, he was "nice"...not overly comforting, but in a "making everyone leave mom alone so she can rest" way. That was a huge gift in itself. But it's made not getting a hug (or anything else) from him that much harder. There's been no physical contact at all in a week. It's starting to get to me. I don't want to erase everything, and act as if we are "fine", but I'm finding myself wishing to just hug him, rub his shoulders, or just be held for a few minutes. When he's acting like a husband "should" IMO, it's just hard not to want the rest of what comes with it. I'm feeling guilty for this.. knowing that what I really need (am looking for) is reassurance & comfort, especially through the surgery day, and with me being sick. These are classic situations where I need someone to lean on, or just comfort me. I don't think I should be expecting this from him right now. But it's making life a bit tense. 3. I asked him last night if there's anything he wanted to talk about. After a minute, he said, there's probably alot we should talk about. I said, yeah, probably. He said, well, you must want to talk about something or you wouldn't have brought it up. I said, no..was just seeing if there was anything you wanted to talk about. He said, well, everytime I bring something up, it turns into something else, and I hate when that happens. I said, "yeah... " There didn't seem to be anything else to say, so I got up and layed on the couch. The non-conversation seemed ok with him, and I took this as an opprotunity to continue to practice "not starting conversations". I feel a need to wait for him to initiate conversations that have meaning. When I start them, I feel as if I'm forcing him to talk, and I don't feel he'll be honest about anything that way. This is really hard for me. We haven't talked about the sleeping arrangements, about his last SA meeting, about his sobriety or lack thereof, or anything else for that matter. It's driving me crazy...the silence. 4. He's been sleeping seperate from me for a week now. When I originally "kicked" him out of our bedroom, I told him not to bother thinking of returning any time soon. I"ve made reference to things like "next week I think we should switch rooms so Mason can go into a crib", and other comments in passing, to reinforce that I still feel we should be seperate, and to see if he'll react. He's blown them all off with no reaction whatsoever. Friday night, he offered to let me sleep in "his" room while he slept with the boys, so I could get a good nights sleep. I declined the offer. On saturday night, as I was so sick, he did sleep in with the boys, and I took his bed. I mentioned in passing yesterday that his bed was much more comfortable then the one I'm sleeping in. So last night, he says "you wanna sleep in the waterbed (his bed) since you said you liked it better?" I wasn't sure if he meant *sleep with him* or if he was offering to switch again, so I just said, "nah, that's ok. You can have it." I was laying on the couch, watching poker and mentioned that I missed playing it. Soon after that, he got off the computer & laid on the floor in the livingroom. (him volunteering to get off the computer before 9 pm was wierd by itself, but he had a headache, so...) He said something about being cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to come down on the floor and share the blanket I had. (we are very short-handed in the blanket dept right now). He said, sure if you want to. So I did. I stayed my distance, but once again, started wishing he'd reach over and make some move to hold me, rub my arm, anything...but he didn't. I ended up falling asleep, and he woke me up shortly after that to go to bed. When I stumbled into my room, he was crawling into *my* bed. I stood there for a sec, and asked him, what are you doing? He said "getting warm." (it is quite cold in the "waterbed room".) I didn't say anything, but went to the bathroom. I was angry, which confused me. I had been thinking over the last few days that it would be nice if he did come back into "my" bed. But it angered me that he thought he could just do it, without us discussing it, or him asking. When I came back from the bathroom, he was gone. I went to "his" room, and said, ok, whats going on? He said, "nothing, I'm going to bed. good night." I said, ok..good night. And went to bed. I fell asleep really quickly, without much thought. This am, I'm more confused then anything. Letting him come back into my bed will do nothing except alleviate my feelings of alone (for that moment anyway), and let him off the hook, so to speak, on the very issues that I made him leave the bedroom over. He hasn't done anything that makes me see he "gets" it. He hasn't apologized for the dishonesty...hell, he has yet to apologize for anything related to the last D-day. He hasn't been open with me about anything. He still isn't making any outward steps towards a "recovery" other then his meeting once a week and keeping his computer doings "clean". And I really feel that if he felt he had the "right" to just slip back into my bed without so much as a "do you mind if I..?" then he's still not thinking of me as his wife, who has feelings & needs those feelings to be thought about, not walked on...I'm still being objectified, right? That's how I felt..walked on, borederline violated, definatly like I (and my wishes, feelings) was being ignored. Perhaps offering to share the blanket gave him mixed signals, I dunno. But that, as I see it, wasn't an open invitation to sleep with me. I really think needing affection, comfort or reassurance from him is more about my own emotional crap then anything. I *know* i don't need him to sleep in my bed, in fact, I still don't think it's a great idea. It's just hard, becuase it's not like I can say, I really need a hug right now, or will you hold me for a few minutes, and then pick up and go off to my own bed. That would be mixed signals if anything. It would be an ideal arrangement, for today anyway, but wouldn't work. And I'm wrestling with the thought that he doesn't "deserve" to hold me, or be physical with me in any way, if he's not going to do his part, which I defined as, in the least, 100% honesty. This may be a tall order for him to fill, but I don't think it's a unacceptable request. So, I'm depriving myself of a need/desire being fufilled becuase I don't want it from someone who's not going to protect me, my thoughts, my feelings. This is a sucky reality, but I guess it comes down to my own respect. Do I respect myself enough to make him "worthy" of me? Or am I way off base here? Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being haughty to say he doesn't "deserve" me right now? Can a wife say that about a husband, and ever be justified? I dunno.....but that's what I feel right now.
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Post by mo4wo1 on Oct 15, 2007 8:53:58 GMT -5
iso,
I hope you don't mind that I am writing you, here. Ijust read your list. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought I had writen it! Isn't it so crazy how the behaviors are so similar in this, all?
Well, I understand.(((hugs)))
Best wishes, H
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Post by isopeace on Oct 15, 2007 8:58:37 GMT -5
Hey! I don't mind at all I'm not sure which list you read, since I have several...but yeah, it's always amazed me how similar behaviors, feelings, emotions, actions & reactions are in both SO's & the PA/SA's. I don't know how many times I've thought "I could have written that" after reading an SO's story. I'm glad you stopped by. I visted your journal as well...and I hope you have a peaceful quiet day today. *hugs*
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Post by isopeace on Oct 15, 2007 15:02:49 GMT -5
The more i think about those black screenshots, the more I wonder..I mean, it just doesn't add up, and something inside me is screaming FOUL! I'm probably making something out of nothing(or attempting to anyway) , but it's driving me nuts. Why only that night? Why never before that, and never after that? (Yeah, I've gone through countless hours of screenshots to verify this.) If it was a wierd program glitch, one would think it would be more then just one couple of hours over the last 2 months I've had this program, right? I'm still (pretty sure) I'm not going to mention it to him, as the odds aren't in my favor that they are something "bad"....but still..it's nagging at me.
Off to get ready for work. Sometimes I wish I could just quit my job and stay home...lol, I'm sure we all think that at some point, right? But then again, I kinda like the "getting out of the house & being around adults" thing....so...hi-ho, it's off to work I go..
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