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Post by devastated on Aug 29, 2007 5:30:28 GMT -5
This is Witness's wife. I think many of you know what I'm feeling. I don't think my husband knew how much this would hurt me and I appreciate all you cluing him in on things from a woman's perspective. I have felt all the things you have described - how it hurts to know he lied to me, deceived me, cheated on me for so long. I cannot view our marriage in the same way and think back on my things and wonder if they were real, or if everything was just a fake. He compartmentalized things so much that he did not see it as interferring. But, I feel that even without my knowing about it then, it affected our family in more ways that either one of us realizes. I'd really like to hear from you. Any suggestions you have for getting through this would be appreciated. It will be a long road to recovery - longer than my husband expected. Can one ever learn to trust again? I trusted him so completely that I never suspected. Please write.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 29, 2007 5:51:49 GMT -5
Good morning, devastated. I am sorry, so sorry, for what has happened in your life that brings you here, and I'm glad, so glad, that you have come here. I wish (and so does every woman on here, I suspect, somewhere in her heart) that there was a magic book, or verse, or wand that could make things okay again. Alas! I believe, deeply, that there are things here that help, and they are different things for each person. For me, I have found: 1) starting a journal to get "out" what I am feeling and to hear feedback from others has been very helpful in my beginning to heal; 2) reading others' journals (both men's and women's) has been helpful: I've come to understand the addiction for what it is, I've come to understand the underlying roots of the addiction a bit (for my husband), I've learned many new coping mechanisms by reading the "SO" side of the board. My husband is also on the board, but I tend to avoid reading his journal...I want him to be able to come to me and share what he's ready to share, when he's ready to share it. I do drop in on his journal from time to time, and I don't mind if he sees mine. You have, in my opinion, just been whacked on top of the head with a giant hammer AND also been told that hammer was dangling over your head for years and you never "knew" it was there. That's a lot to take in. The best suggestion I can give you at present is to TAKE YOUR TIME and FEEL WHATEVER YOU ARE FEELING. (I journal about what I am feeling so I don't "drown" in my emotions.) This is A LOT to take in--both the addiction and the dishonesty. Take your time. The good news, as I see it, is that 1. Your husband seems earnest about his recovery. So many women here have husbands or partners who are in complete denial, and that's so damaging to the women.... And while it still hurts like all get out, and it's still just as much of a shock and a betrayal, I *do* think there's hope in that your husband is here, and he's working to break free of his addiction and heal. And I have the sense that he very much wants you to be okay too.... 2. There are a lot of people who can come to your aid and help now. This addiction is very isolating, for both men and the women who love them. You are not alone. And I suspect all sorts of women will flock to this thread and let you know JUST how "not alone" you are! And they will bring their own advice, and experience, and hope, and help. I am praying for you today. Jinn
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Post by isopeace on Aug 29, 2007 7:06:07 GMT -5
((((((((((((((((((((((( devastated ))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you find yourself in the position of having to be here, but I'm glad you came.. if that makes sense. I don't have answers, as I'm searching for them myself, but I think you came to the right place. I agree with Mayberry in that your husband seems very sincere in his desire to beat his addiction and in his agony over the pain it has cost you. Just coming clean to you is a huge step in the right direction, one that many of our husbands have never been able to make. I know you are going to go through many different emotions as you work through this in your heart, in your mind & in your marraige. I hope you know we are all here to listen, cry on, scream at, or just to give you a virtual hug. I would suggest starting a journal when you feel ready. It can be a great outlet, and a place to look back on in months to come to see how far you have come in your recovery. I just started one, and it's helping already. Again, I'm so very sorry for the heartache you feel. I wish I could erase it for you, for all of us.
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 29, 2007 8:20:18 GMT -5
((((((((((devestated))))))))))))
I am so very sorry for the paon you are going through right now. I wish I had answers for you but I too am in the middle of trying to figure things out. I guess all I can offer right now (other than my ears and understanding) is something I have learned the hard way... unless and until you know that he truly understands the depth of what he has done and the ways that he has effected you as a woman, a wife, a mother... you will never be able to rebuild the trust. Mr. Witness needs to do absolutely everything in his power to show you he GETS IT and is doing ALL HE CAN to never hurt you in this way again. That's when the trust *starts* to rebuild... and it's a long process that you need to take at your own pace and don't ever be hard on yourself for the time you need to heal.
I guess that's all I can offer this morning. Please please please take the best care of YOU that you can at this time... treat yourself to something wonderful that will lift you up (even a little).
Praying for you to have inner peace today. Amie
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Post by gracebyfaith on Aug 29, 2007 8:41:58 GMT -5
I also just want to say hello and give big hugs. I'm sad you have to be here, glad that you are and can know you are not alone.
I too am in the very beginning stages of dealing with this, and can tell you that my emotions flip/flop all the live long day, and I don't know how to get through it - some days I feel like the living dead, somedays I see hope, a lot of times I just want to run, hide, scream, die, whatever.
And I've been told that as terrible as feeling like this is, it's completely normal. I'm sure with a lot of hard work done by both parties trust can be rebuilt, but I am discovering just how much work I'm going to have to do for same.
I'll have to open myself up for the potential of pain all over again in order to trust again - and sometimes, truthfully, it seems easier to not trust than to do all that soul searching and work. But I know I'll HAVE to rebuild that trust (provided my H behaves trustworthily, of course) in order to rebuild my marriage, which I want to work.
Jesus is the only man who will never, ever, disappoint us - lean on His strength.
My prayers are with you.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 29, 2007 8:53:45 GMT -5
Good morning, hon. (((devastated)))
On the one hand, I want to apologize; because we are the ones that encouraged your husband to tell you. We put the pain squarely in your lap. On the other hand, you needed to know the truth of it; because the lies kill. We also know that your husband's recovery will be unsuccessful unless he's open and accountable for it; which meant he had to tell you to make any progress. This addiction thrives in secrecy; and laying it bare means there's no more, "What she won't know won't hurt her."
You can regain the trust if you are both willing spirits to that end; and based on what I've seen from his posts, he's willing to do the work to fix this. (...and he MUST do the work. He broke the trust; so he has to fix it.) How long will that take? As long as it takes. Witness needs to do the work UNTIL.
There's no time frame on your healing; but holding on to resentment, anger and any other negative emotions will hinder your recovery from this. Is it okay to have moments of anger, resentment and other emotions? You betcha--it's part of the work; but wallowing there is damaging to your soul. You have every right to take the time you need to mend yourself; and pay no attention to anyone that might say, "Just get over it, already".
Now, about your husband.....
The question of disclosure is often raised here by SAs that want to be told that it's okay NOT to tell their partners. They want to avoid the conflict and the hurt; and, most of all, they want an excuse to keep hiding and protecting their addiction. Well, Witness didn't do that. He came to us asking; and we told him. Based on our answers, you now know. He didn't give lame defense of his actions; and if he exhibited the slightest bit of minimization of them, we called him on it. He was highly gracious in the face of criticism; which doesn't always happen when an addict has a mirror held up to them.
Part of this battle is won. You have a husband that admits this is an addiction for him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now; but I feel that will go a long way in easing your hurt and anger. It did for me when my husband disclosed; because I didn't have to fight the uphill battle of getting him to admit it was a problem and he never blamed me for it.
Post often. We're here for you.
Benderson
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Post by turningpoint on Aug 29, 2007 10:27:33 GMT -5
I too am sorry you have to go through this, but am glad you are here. It's hard for me to give a lot of insightful advice since I am still fairly new to this and struggling. I do second the opinions offered so far though. This board in and incredible source of encouragement and support.
Best, TurningPoint
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Post by glofishy on Aug 29, 2007 11:06:28 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((((((Devastated)))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm really sorry that you found yourself here, but I welcome you with open arms.
All the feelings that you feel right now are normal. He cheated on you and you are bearing the brunt of the emotional fallout right now.
I always warn the PA's around here that they need to tell their wives of their struggles immediately, whether they know all the answers or not. Because it's an addiction, most of them ignore us SO's when we tell them to tell. They want to protect their addiction and ability to act out. It has nothing to do with protecting us as wives. If they were THAT motivated to protect us, they wouldn't have porned in the first place.
Whether you can learn to trust him again is going to be completely up to him. He needs to act trustworthy enough for you to begin trusting him again. He lied to you for so long that he can realistically expect for you to take double the time he lied to you in order to heal. If he behaves repentant, if he behaves trustworthy, if he sincerely shows you genuine affection, it might take less time. But who knows? Our therapist asked me when did I think I would heal? I said "I dont' know, all I know is that when it happens it happens....I'm in no rush".
Right now you have a fresh wound. You're right that it will be a long road to recovery. I think though, that the less you concern yourself with how LONG it will take to recover and just let things happen when they do, it will happen for you quicker than if you worry about it. You were the selfless one that trusted him completely. He's had his time in the sun, now it's your turn. It's about you right now and helping YOU. Do whatever you need to make you feel better. Treat yourself well. Get a manicure and a pedicure done. Spend a day at a day spa. Go with a trusted friend. Shop for some cute clothes. If you have kids, take them out to a zoo or amusement park. Just do anything that will give YOU joy.
Witness is a lucky guy, you didn't hit him over the head with a frying pan. I can tell he appreciates that too. *hugs*
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Post by esmeralda on Aug 29, 2007 12:13:38 GMT -5
Devastated, you have been on my mind for several days now... since witness came here wanting to know if he should disclose his addiction to you. Welcome to the place you SHOULDN’T have to be, none of us should have to be here but we are. Know that you are not alone in this whirlwind of emotions. We are all walking the same path with you, some a bit farther down the road than you, but with you none the less.
“Trust” is a terrible thing to break, and once broken it takes much longer to regain than it did to break. Just know that you need to move through the stages of your recovery at YOUR own pace... do what YOU need to do to become whole again... he broke it, he gets to fix it... how ever long it takes.
I’m in my late 50's and was approaching my 34th anniversary when I discovered the cloud that had been hanging over my marriage all those years... 3 years ago now. I’ve always prided myself on being in the “hear and now”, being alert to what was going on around me... but I totally missed the M*ing & P that had been the third party in my marriage.... and I’m still kicking myself in the butt for missing that one. I guess it was that “trust” I had in my H. He was one of the “good guys” and it was devastating to find out he was “just one of the guys”. I knew there was something amiss but never once thought it was M*ing & P. (...and this from someone that actually remembers “the Summer of Love”) Do I trust him now??.... depends on which day we are talking about... some days I trust him, some days I don’t. Will I ever totally trust him again... I don’t know. Right now, even three years later, and him being seemingly “clean”, I just don’t know.
Feel free to come here often.... read....post... rant and rave if you need to.... you are among kindred spirits and nothing you say will shock any of us. The collective wisdom of the ladies you will find here will nurture you and help you navigate through these uncharted waters. We are all wrapping you in a great big (((((HUG)))).
Essy
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Post by zerotolerance on Aug 29, 2007 14:44:10 GMT -5
Hello, I hate to see you here, but I am also very glad you joined. We know what you are going through. I know it feels like your soul just got ripped right out of your chest. I'm soo sorry. I know it is hard to find things to be grateful for right now, but it helps to look for them anyway. I've been married 22 years. One difference between me and you is that I knew. But that didn't make it any easier, and it didn't keep me from suffering the same symptoms you have now. I've given up on my h, he still doesn't even acknowledge that p is a problem, or wrong, or show any signs of awareness whatsoever. So that's another huge difference. All our stories are different with common elements. It's really uncanny how similar their symptoms and behaviors and thoughts are. I generally call it p-induced stupidity. I know you've read what we had to say to your husband. I figure you are probably upset that he would talk to strangers before you because I know that would upset me. The only thing I can say is at least he talked to women who were brave enough to tell him the truth. He could go almost anywhere else in this culture and hear the lies pheads want to hear. We get guys in here all the time looking for us to help them keep on decieving themselves and their wifes. But they came to wrong place if they want validation for continued p-ng. There is simply no excuse for treating us in these objectified ways. Just because they don't know the truth or they don't believe it, doesn't change it. I'm actually very proud of Witness for finding the courage to come clean with you. That is something we rarely see. I think it takes a very strong soul and a level a mature few SA ever reach imo. I think trust can be restored so long as he stays out of the p. But if he doesn't then it can't. Things will never be the same for you. You can't go back to innocence or ignorance. But you can get to places far beyond anything you've ever known. And you can even come out of this with a better marriage than you've ever had imo. It takes two people to succeed. Two people willing to work, and learn, and grow. Witness seems to have made a commitment to himself and God to do the work. It takes more than talk though, it takes action. I know his actions have hurt you, rightfully so, but I still admire that he took this GAINT step for his own recovery especially while knowing it would cost him your respect, and could cost your marriage. I'm sure you are feeling many insecurities about your self, and your sex life. And I know it is hard to understand how it is not about you. But it is not about you. It's not anything you did or didnt' do, or could or couldn't do. We don't have compartments or filters in our brains that p puts in theirs so it is really hard to wrap our minds around this concept at first. It helps me to frame it as if they've become pornosexuals instead of hetrosexuals. In their minds it's two different things, their p sex life, is completely seperate from their relationships. They think they can keep it seperate and that we won't be hurt, it's a lie they learn from the p. They can't see how it permeates everything from behind those thick p filters. Just recognizing that fact even a wee little bit is huge imo, and something my h has never been able to do. In that respect you are starting with an advantage that most of us don't start with. You are starting with a man who seems to be ready, willing, and able, to admit he has failed, and to desire to fix what he can, learn what he can, and change what he can. I don't know if he can stop p-ng or not. But I do know you can come out of this a stronger, better, more compassionate, and more Christian woman than you have ever been before. It's a long row to hoe, but the results are worth the journey. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it is true nonetheless. It will take some time to process all this mess. It helps to always remember that we don't have to decide in a day, or a week, or a month, what we want or need to do about it. Witness has been around long enough to know all the tools that are available. So he is the best person to decide what will work for him. Hiding certianly doesn't work whatsoever. Lying definately doesn't work. You'll have to pick the things you think will provide you with at least a little peace of mind some of the time and insist that he follow those conditions. You know, like make it clear it has to stop, and stay stopped, period, with some accountibilty and consequences if it doesn't. Otherwise work on you first, while waiting and seeing what he does, then you will know better how to handle it. God will give you the tools you need over time. I know it feels like it was all dumped on you at once without the tools to handle it. But you will learn soo much more in time, and you will develop the skills and collect the tools to fix it one way or another. We've been or are there too, and we can help . Just having other people who understand to talk about it is a HUGE blessing. There were no such sites around when I was dealing with this and even though I hadn't done anything I was full of guilt and shame. Trying to hide my h's secrets and the secret pain of my marriage. Then when I tried to talk about it, no one understood. They weren't dealing with pornosexuality yet, or they just don't know it like you didn't know either. You will connect many dots back to the p, and each one will bring overwhelming sadness. Just know this too shall pass. It is a neccessary part of learning the truths that will eventually save you imo. I know it might seem like your entire marriage has been a sham and a fake, but that's not true either. It's hard to see that fact when it is clouded with images of his p-ng but thera are parts that were true and real and underneath all that. And in time you will get to an accurate perspective. We flip flop around at first. Going from one extreme to the other. Hating and wanting out, loving and wanting to salvage, etc.. Anger to compassion, rage to peace. This is normal for those of us with broken souls. It's like we become weebils, we wobble all over the place, but we don't die, and eventually we learn to balance ourselves and stay there. In hindsight, I view this whole experience as a spirtual awakening. I thought I was spiritual before and awake, but really I wasn't. Not compared to now. I look back to where I was before I knew, and what I've been thru and see how my whole life was clouded by socialized lies. I used to long to go back to the way I was before, but now I don't miss that blind girl at all. There is light beyond this darkness. The hardest parts are not falling into the depression pits of hopelessness and despair, learning to ride the waves, and learning to embrace the truth instead of running or hiding from it. You haven't done anything wrong whatsoever. It's not your fault in any way whatsoever. You loved and trusted your h. Those are admirable qualities not faults, even though it may seem as though they failed you. They didn't fail you, he did. He lied and he decieved and he gaslighted you. He kept the truth from you by misleading you. He didn't neccessarily think of it that way for many reasons, but that is exactly what he did. It's not you. It affects you, but it wasn't about any shortcoming in you, but rather a shortcoming in him. Even though it hurts, I hope you are glad to know the truth. I would want someone to tell me if it were happening in my life and I didn't know it. It's hard for us to tell these men to tell their wives, because we know the pain it will bring. But we also know it is less pain than finding out on our own in horrid discoveries they then lie about. At least he's not lying about it anymore. I know that doesn't seem like much right now, but it is gaint step for him, and a tiny blessing for you. I'm sure you've pondered many questions over the years, and this will provide you with some of those answers you always sought. I'm sure he has engaged in many behaviors you never would have know might be coming from p usage. No matter how well they think they hide, there are many signs we discover that we missed in hindsight. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know. There is a reason you didn't know and the reason is your h hid it from you. If they had told us the truth then we could have connected the dots sooner and taken action. But when we don't know there is nothing we can do. However, there are lots of things you can do now that you know. You will have to read, and learn, and explore, and find the combinations that will work for you. You will have to cry a billion tears too, but just know with every one that falls a tiny peice of your soul is being restored. It's real important that you extra good care of yourself as you go through this. If you have to cry, cry. If you need rest, rest. If you need to talk, talk. Everything we need to heal it is already inside of us. We just have to learn to tap into that power. The chores will still be there when you are feeling better, or witness can carry some of the load you normally carry for a while if neccessary. You have a lot to process and it will take a lot of your time and energy and the symptoms will appear in many different types of intrusive ways. Just knowing what they are helps a lot. I didn't know why I started being all over the place emotionally. I thought I was handling it because I knew my h was pheaded and that my marriage was in ruins. But I was just in denial about the effects it was having on me so the symptoms took me totally by surprised. So don't be surprised if you feel all sorts of weird feelings and start thinking crazy thoughts. And if you have and concerns or questions, run em through here if you'd like. Don't look to Witness for the answers you seek, he doesn't have them. He is part of the problem and part of the solution but he doesn't have the answers you will need. You can't really help him with it either. He will have to save his own soul, and you will have to save yours. It is a journey we are all taking and we share some it together here. Just so you know we aren't suppose to post in the recovering addicts forum. And if you post on the general forum you are likely to get some pheaded replies. For best results on partner type questions it is best to post them here, although you won't get many replies from the guys because they try to respect our space, you are less likely to get erroneous info. There are a lot of resources available to help you and I hope you find what will work for you Godspeed.
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 29, 2007 20:14:57 GMT -5
devestated- I too am sorry you had to come here, but am glad you have come for help and support- we are full of it!
I didn't read any of the above replies, so I apologize if I repeatr anything. My husband disclosed to me, I did not have any idea that he was a p addict... heck, I didn't even know you could be addicted to p/mb. It was a real blow to me. I felt like nothing was real... nothing was how I remembered it. It was as if this big curtain was raised to show that was "really" happening. And oh how angry I was at him... and oh how hurt... and my God... why God couldn't have clued me into to this??? Hello- I pray all the time, He couldn't say gee, your husband is doing XYZ??? I was pretty steamed at Him too. I won't sugar coat it for you, the first three or so weeks was hell of a kind I never thought I would see... and hope not to again. I had to play catch up- my husband knew he was a p addict, admited it, took full responsibility for it... BUT he was the cause of my pain and for the first time in the time I had known him, he couldn't be there to help me through my pain. He wanted to be, but just to look at him hurt- I wanted him there and couldn;t stand the sight of him-- it really stunk. I had to learn what this addiction was, and I had to deal with the idea that he began working through recovery a FULL YEAR before he told me (not with a lot of luck on his part, he wasn't really able to be 'clean' until he came clean with me). So he had this arsenal of information, his addiction, his recovery and I was in the dark and feeling like someone shone a light on the grossest part of the room. The first thing you need to accept is that this addiction is NOT about you. It isn't about your attractiveness, your love, your goodness.. this addiction is not about sx, or the wives/girlfriends at all. Like any other addiction, it is a means of escape- escaoing pain, intimacy, fear, etc... Try to think of it as an addiction to cocaine. It actually has the same chemical release as cocaine (go figure). The wake of betrayal and pain this particular addiction has is emense... I don't think a cocaine addicts wife feels inadequate because of his addiction.. we do.. or atleast I did. I realized this really isn't ab9ut me. And although I had to "catch-up" with his recovery, I realized soon enough that his recovery isn;t about me either. Can ou move past this? Yes.. but it is one hell of a road and hard work. Now, marriage is hard work and seeing as you've been married for 30 years, you know that. Counseling helped us. Books, and lots and lots of prayer. I listed some resources in the thread your husband started to help you. You can also peak into my journal (seeing out of confusion).- it has my recovery plan and our marriage recovery plan. My husband has been clean about 18 months. His work on our marriage and his recovery has been great. I have been working on my recovery as well. I feel pretty good. I only have two boundries. If he ever used p again, he is gone. If he ever had/has an affair, he leaves. He knows this. He has suggested other boundries... I don;t need anything else for my safety (spiritual and emotional). Give yourself a little time to feel through this... it is really awful, but it does pass with time and work. Then, if you feel up to it, schedule time each week to talk (we did 20 minutes every morning after coffeee and the kids got on the bus). Some people choose specific days to talk about recovery and other days to work on your relationship... I think it is small steps. We spent time relearning to communicate, be truly intimate (emotionally and spiritually) and to check in with eachother about recovery.
I came here, asked a lot of questions, did a lot of reading and occasional ranting. We are here for you and will help in any way we can (someone even offered to send me an axe for the computer... it is a bit therapeutic, to be honest... I thought I would seem a little over the top, but it felt good destroying it)
peace- dazed
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Post by devastated on Aug 29, 2007 20:20:16 GMT -5
My dear friends, Thanks so much for the letters of encouragement. My life has been a roller coaster. Some moments are fine and it feels like none of this even happened - that it's all a bad dream. Other moments it all comes crashing down and I fall apart. I'm guessing that's normal. I appreciate all the advice. I plan to reread all your letters tomorrow as it's late now. I am glad that all of you encouraged my husband to tell me. I'd much rather know the truth than live a lie - no matter how hard the truth may be.
Yes, I know it will take time and I plan on taking as much time as is needed to recover. I'll plan to write again tomorrow, probably not until the evening as I work all day tomorrow.
Thanks, friends.
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Post by completelydone on Aug 29, 2007 23:27:56 GMT -5
(((((((((((((devastated)))))))))))))))))))))) Hello hon. We're all sorry you have to be here. We are all happy that your husband made the decision to come clean with you so you can hopefully rebuild a life together based upon truth and real intimacy instead of lies and deception (and often emotional deficiency in the relationship). Can you both heal? I'm starting to believe with my husband that it is. For a long time I was just hanging on by the skin of my teeth hoping that just maybe it could, but not really believing that healing could come to such an utterly destroyed relationship. It definitely takes your spouse committing to never cheating on you again with other women (porn or otherwise). It definitely takes him being willing to be open and honest about everything; a willingness to grow emotionally close to you and bring down his walls (because that is what porn addiction is about- emotional walls from real people). Porn addiction is an intimacy disorder and unfortunately a lot of men fall into that because they are afraid of emotional intimacy (being emotional just isn't what they were taught was manly). It is manly though. The other is nothing but cowardly fear. However, this isn't just a "man's" problem. Women often "fall pray" to this addiction too. I didn't read everyone else's replies because by the time I got here it was a long thread, so I might be repeating a lot of things. I wish you and your husband a speedy recovery and healing; both individually and together. Posting here and reading does help. I don't know what I would have done without this place in the beginning. We know what you are going through. If we choose to stay, all we can do is take it as it comes (emotional roller coaster and pain). I advised your husband to read the stages of grief so that he will understand and recognize what you are and will be going through. I'm going to suggest the same for you. It helps to know, "OK, I am normal. This is a normal reaction. I'm not crazy. It does get better, etc." Will be praying for you. Take care, CD
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Post by devastated on Aug 31, 2007 5:53:43 GMT -5
Dear Friends,
It was one week ago at this very time that my h told me about his addiction. What a week it's been. The awfulness of it all is overwhelming. I still go from extreme anger to trying to understand. I still don't understand how he could have compartmentalized things so much. Thinking he could do porn and still have his family in the same way. He's been honest and told me anything I've asked. The asking and finding out have been sooooo hard, but I feel I need to know everything in order to get on the road to recovery. The why is still such a mystery to me. I don't even think my h knows why he has done it.
I'm glad that he's gotten help from so many people, but I must admit I'm hurt that he opened up with strangers more than he ever opened up with me. And, I don't just mean about the p. He's always been rather closed and would never reveal much about himself - how he was feeling and what he was going through. I see know that some of it was the PA but still it hurts. When I'd try to talk to him about having more open communication, things never seemed to improve much.
It's hard not to question everything. I told my h yesterday that through the p, he was inviting guests into our home who were having a huge impact. I did not know they were guests here (uninvited my me, of course), but their presence was felt nevertheless. Who knows how much they impacted our lives and our marriage. Trying to sorte everything out will take time.
I still go from disbelief to extreme anger. I've told him that I don't understand how he could do this to me if he really loved me. I know the addiction is strong, but why wouldn't his love for me be stronger? That's one thing that is so hard to get. He says I'm the most important person in the world, but it feels like the porn girls were more important.
Everyone says this isn't against me personally but I'm really having trouble getting beyond that point. I know that God made me as I am, and I accept that. But, to have the one person I loved the most on earth and that I trusted the most choose porn over me, is almost more than I can bear.
Since we live oversees, books will be a few weeks in coming. So, any more advice you have would be welcome. Keep praying for me. I am thankful the my h does want to change, but it's still an awful road to travel.
Thanks for everything.
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 31, 2007 8:35:46 GMT -5
(((((((((((((Devastated))))))))))))
I am so sorry for all of the pain you have been through since a week ago today when your 'safe' place became a lie. I understand the hurt as we all do here : (
I understand the pain with the asking and 'finding out' as well. It's such a massive dillema because truthfully we don't WANT to know but we HAVE to know at this point to move forward... and it sucks.
I don't thin kthey understand why they do it until they get therapy and even then it may not be a clear answer. For my partner, I don't think he knows the 'why' all that much but what he does know is that his maturing as a 'normal' person stopped when he started porning. He has the emotional capacity (including the ability to talk about his real feelings) of a young boy. Sometimes he can make it look like he thinks it 'should' look but he really isn't processing those feelings unless he works very hard at it imo (therapists too I believe).
Questioning everything you thought to be true for years is torturous. It's like your life flashing before your eyes but now it's a nightmare and it doesn't seem real... it is you, it is him, but it isn't either of you and it's confusing beyond belief.
This addiction has the same chemical effects as a cocaine addiction or any other substance addiction. Some say it is worse to break free from (probably due to the constant reminders of sexual stimuli). I don't think they love themselves when they are in the midst of addiction and therefor can't possibly love anyone else... including their partner : ( It doesn't mean we weren't good enough (although it completely feels like that would be true) it means that NO ONE would have been good enough while they are in active addiction... no one and nothing else matters, including themselves it seems.
Hoping your books get there with God's speed. I have said a prayer for you to find as much peace in your heart as you can at this time. Similar to what someone said to me recently, may you feel God's arms wrapped around you keeping you safe and warm.
Remember you are not alone. YOu are WAY MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. You are not alone. God Bless, Amie
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