|
Post by devastated on Sept 8, 2007 13:32:23 GMT -5
Thanks, Rosiemj, for your thoughts. I liked what you said about dropping something and breaking it in an instant, and that it takes a long time to put it back together. Of course, in this case, things weren't broken in an instant but over a long course of porning. And, it will take a long time and effort to put them back again.
I can do okay for a few days, then the anger comes up and I feel so hurt and betrayed all over again. I'm guessing this will continue for some time and that's it's normal. We are hanging in, and having some good talks to help me work through things. It's a process. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten something worked through, then it all comes back again. I think I will have to work through the same feelings several times to really be on the way to healing. With God's help, I will succeed and our marriage will be better than it was before.
|
|
|
Post by zerotolerance on Sept 8, 2007 13:57:08 GMT -5
It's like untangling a big ball of yarn, or peeling an onion. There are different pieces and even though you work one out, or one part of one element, there are plenty more strings still tangled in the anger knot, or another layer of onion peel. We have to learn to ride the waves. Preferably without rocking the boat more until we can sort it all out. The feelings of betrayal are horrible. I hate those. Their intensity diminishes in time though, but the deceit if forever there. I guess we just learn to live with it better and to think about it less often, and it looses some of it's sting, in time. I hate it for you. I wish there were words that would help or something someone could do, but these are paths we walk alone, or with God alone.
|
|
|
Post by completelydone on Sept 10, 2007 8:04:10 GMT -5
Yeah, a big stinky onion.
|
|
|
Post by devastated on Sept 10, 2007 9:53:52 GMT -5
Yes, zero tolerance, it is like a big sticky onion. One problem is that some of the layers I thought I had almost worked through, keep resurfacing. Yes, the deceit is one of the hardest things. I don't know how to work through the hurt. When I think about it, it all comes flooding back.
When my h told me this morning that all he wanted was me, I asked him how I could believe that now. The last time he lied to me (that I know of) was one week before he confessed his porn addiction (three weeks ago). I think that's what he wants, but if he lied so recently to me, how do I know he's not lying now. I had always thought we had absolute trust in our marriage. Seeing that was not the case has been soooo hard. I guess one thing positive is knowing that he came clean with me after 31 years when he could have kept it hidden.
I can't tell you all what your support has meant to me. Just knowing that there are others who have walked this path before (and are walking it now) and can understand everything I'm going through is a huge help. With most everyone, I have to put on a mask of normality when in my heart, things are anything but normal. Having a place that I can express my hurt, disppointment, feelings of betrayal and trust has helped me on the road to healing. I can see God working in me in this and helping me be more dependent on Him.
|
|
|
Post by truthbeknown on Sept 10, 2007 12:03:53 GMT -5
Hello dear lady, I could certainly repeat much of what's been offered to you so far, and I didn't even read most of the replies (been in this long enough to know already, and by the names I saw, I know they're giving you the best of the support that's out here). I thought I'd ask you a little bit about a more specific part of the struggle that you're in, and you can choose to reveal as much or as little as you want here, or you could PM me if that feels better to you. In MY experience, I found one of the hardest things (there are so many!) to cope with was that need to put on the "mask of normalcy" whenever I was engaged in my own life...my work, time with friends and family, sitting in church. I would feel like my soul was literally being ripped from my body while having some conversation at work that didn't mean crap to me, but having to act as if the world evolved around it. THAT caused me so much despair, and alot of psychosomatic problems, headaches, fatigue, stomach pain, back pain...it was so hard for me to learn how to "turn on/turn off" between being honest with myself and the way I was feeling and being that skilled professional who had her sh## together. I feel a hot pang in my stomach right now just considering it all. It felt like I was out of control all the time. Fine one minute, ready to hit my head on the wall the next. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I can't tell you how many times I faked allergy symptoms because I would start to cry in a meeting! Oh well, I was so grateful that idea came to me while I reached for the kleenex in the middle of that conference table. Are you having much struggle with this? How do you spend your days? I read that you are overseas...okay, I spent five years overseas, and I am so grateful that I was not that isolated when all this came out in my life. Who do you spend your days around? How many people do you have in your life whom you can trust with your reality right now? Maybe these questions have been asked and answered already, if so, my apologies. I remember going to a baptism of a friend's child and acting as if I was crying tears of happiness for her son when I was actually consumed in my grief that I could not have kids because of my husband's perversions. It left me feeling like I was a bad person, a bad friend, and totally out of control. We welcome you to share anything you need to that is relevant to you, but if this is coming up, or does come up for you, maybe we can help you with some tools for coping with this "duality" when it comes up. "I'm fine/I'm falling apart." My prayers are with you and your husband. I respect your husband's decision to tell you, and my heart aches for you. A friend, Lisa
|
|
|
Post by devastated on Sept 12, 2007 9:15:50 GMT -5
Yes, truthbeknown, having to act normal in the middle of all this is soooo hard. No one here knows so I have to be an actress most of the time. And, it is emotionally wrenching. In fact, one of the hardest places for me to be is at church. We are very involved Christians and it's hard for me to reconcile the addiction with going to church and appearing to be a dedicated Christian man. I guess that shows the power the devil has in this addiction, and can have in all our lives. It's a struggle to be an authenic person and this addiction encourages secrecy. They keep up a secret life while maintaining the appearance of normalcy in all aspects. That part has really been hard to process, and the lies that go in with maintaining the secret life.
I'm still working on processing all this. The hurt will take months but my anger level is better. And, I'm trying to take things one step at a time.
Thanks for the input and concern.
|
|
|
Post by Benderson on Sept 12, 2007 10:22:20 GMT -5
Still thinking of you and Witness, Devastated.
|
|
|
Post by glofishy on Sept 12, 2007 10:32:07 GMT -5
You don't have to keep this a secret, devastated. It would be a biblically sound move to have both of you confide in a pastor that will provide you guidance on how to handle this. I think that keeping it a secret and presenting a facade is hurting you more.
Even if it meant that he would be relieved from a function in a ministry for a while, it would be well worth it for you. The pastors decide what is appropriate. Is he so prideful that he's not willing to admit to a church leader that he sinned in order to keep up his spiritual face?
|
|
|
Post by devastated on Sept 15, 2007 8:19:16 GMT -5
Glofishy, my h has confessed his sin to a church leader and I believe that has made a big difference in his recovery. But, most of my friends in and out of the church don't know, and, I must admit that I'm not ready to tell them. Perhaps one day I will as a way to give encouragement to them when they are walking a similar path to the one I'm now walking. In the meantime, my strength comes from God and the support I've gotten from each of you.
I can see things getting easier. The why of the whole porn thing will perhaps never be known, but that question still bothers me. We are both doing the lessons by recovery nation and that has been good. I have good days and bad days. Some days are positive and I can see posibilities for an even better relationship. But, other days, things come crashing in around me and I feel the weight of the hurt due to deception and lies, not to mention his choice of entertainment. But, I'm hanging in and glad to have the first three weeks of my knowing behind me. What an awful time it was! Father, give me Your strength to lean on day by day.
|
|
|
Post by helstone on Sept 15, 2007 9:49:48 GMT -5
devastated, this is all still so new to you.
After the last D-day I think it took 3 weeks before I was even feeling normal inside my head again, and I'd known about my husband's porn addiction for many years before that. I can't imagine how tossed around inside you must be feeling.
I also do really think communication is vital. I started to feel much better about myself once I started talking to friends. One of my best friends then confided in me that she was leaving her husband over the exact same issue. (They are now divorced.) That helped a lot - to be able to be truly honest with people in my life.
|
|
|
Post by truthbeknown on Sept 15, 2007 15:11:17 GMT -5
Hi D, sorry I didn't respond to your PM sooner. I had some computer problems this week and couldn't go online. (arg, why couldn't my HUSBAND'S computer crash every now and then?!?!) Every thing you said makes perfect sense and it's all perfectly normal. Right now, how are you holding up at work and those other places where you have to put on your "stage face?" I really relate to what you said about sitting in church. My husband is in the choir and on several leadership committees. It makes me very angry some days that he's "all that" for the rest of the world but "this SA" in mine. Tsk. Just a little reminder...there is no "timeframe" for your healing. Your anger, grief, confusion, resentment, sadness...all of those things will continue to come in waves, sometimes triggered by things you see and hear (all of a sudden everything "sexy" seems like a threat...I hated losing peace in that area of my life) and sometimes just by the stream of thoughts that we wake up to. We understand. You mentioned in one of your posts that it doesn't seem like your husband "gets the anger stage" in you. This is only from my experience, but I'd like to offer the possibility that he does get it, but he doesn't yet have the emotional tools in place to handle it, so you may see in him defensiveness, the "oh brother, are we back at this again" attitude, emotional distancing/avoidance, or even what appears as a depressive episode in response to what you say/show about your feelings. From what I can tell, this is part of the avoidant personality that we see in addicted people. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it's just more stuff that they have not learned how to cope with. They have shame over themselves and what they do, and now that YOU KNOW he's hurt the person he loves the most, there's almost nowhere for him to hide anymore, and I think that's a really critical time in someone's recovery. Again, this is all my opinion, but I offer it here because I think it's important for you to accept that his reactions to your feelings are about HIM, and not how he feels about you or his love for you. Selfishness and avoidance seem inherent in this struggle. I'd also like to offer that in many addicts, acting depressed or resentful towards us after an expression of our more difficult feelings is just a way to get us to drop it. I don't know if that applies to you and your husband, of course, but it's important that you use caution against falling into that trap. I didn't want to "beat him up" over it, be seen as a nag, be seen as weak (especially if I'm compared to all those "sexy, confident, secure" women of P---help!), or say too much that might make him distance even more from me....hon...none of that made any difference, so I offer it to you that you talk as much as you need to, and if he can't show up for you as you need (either by avoidance or just not having the skills in place), then I hope you'll get some counseling or reach out to your pastor or some means of getting it out. You need to. We all do. You two have entered into a completely different relationship as of two weeks ago, and there's no way (even after 31 years together as husband and wife!!) that either one of you could "KNOW HOW" to be in this like you're experts at it. The power in your relationship has certainly shifted in many ways, trust is a whole new ballgame with rules you haven't even defined yet, much less practiced, and you're both scared of what the other one is going to do next....daily, and for the rest of time.....all THAT can make things alot harder before they get easier. I wish it could only be easier after disclosure, and if I had the power to, I would drench your home in serenity right now, because I really feel for what you are going through. We all do. To be fair, we are all rooting for him that he will continue to choose rigorous honesty with you, and I praise him for taking this big step of telling you. However, I don't know a single person who could REALLY emotionally prepare WELL ENOUGH, IN ADVANCE, for all the fallout. That's where addicts get in trouble, imo. They get through the disclosure, and then, after the buzz of that wears off, the old ways of thinking and being can show up again. To us, it can feel like this: "I don't want to see/hear/feel the consequences to you, I just want your unconditional love/approval/praise/support for my recovery." (Of course it's never as simple as that, and I'm not suggesting that's REALLY what they think, but on the emotional level, it is very hard for them to face themselves...so how can it be easy for them to face US? You can probably tell that I really struggle in the battle between loving compassion and fearful resentment...sometimes being a Christian helps me with this, and some days I feel like I'm nowhere near God myself, so what right do I have to judge...blah blah blah). Let's see...all of that might have been a bit confusing...let me see if I can sum it up better (for me too!)... 1) Everything you feel is PERFECTLY NORMAL 2) There is no timeframe for your process, and there should be no pressure on you to "feel" one way or another about what you've just learned. IMO, to an SO in E A R L Y recovery, two weeks equals about an hour to her heart. This is imporant for the addict to accept, even if they feel fatigue/shame/fear.....we cannot warp time or our healing on their behalf!! (Pssstt..hey men...if ANYone is invested in feeling better SOONER...der...it's your wife!) 3) It's very hard to know what to do with the duplicity in our partner's lives. IMO, it CONTRIBUTES to the difficulty to regain trust. (Ex: he becomes emotionally moved by the sermon on Sunday, reports he feels very close to God...but we know he had similar experiences twice last month, yet still went home and used P. ) How do we know his "enlightenment" actually translates into recovery behavior? Unfortunately, we don't, and sometimes it doesn't, and accepting that is really hard. I wish I could back to seeing my husband as I used to see him every time he cried in church. I found that so touching, and it really helped me to feel safe in having my own emotional reactions to whatever I felt moved by. Now, about half the time, I wonder if he's crying over shame he feels for something he did that week, and I can suddenly feel very angry at him, without even knowing what the real story is!! That hurts us both, I'm afraid, ESPECIALLY when I try to ignore it. 4) I'd like to suggest some caution in exercising hope that he'll be your BEST supporter when you are dealing with feelings of anger, extreme sadness, or any other feeling that he doesn't know how to deal with. If he doesn't know how to cope with a certain feeling in himself, he will probably disappoint you in his reaction to yours. (Note to both you and your husband....this is not a comment on his quality or abilities as a person, husband, or his intentions to support you...it's simply my opinion that if I don't know how to handle my own anger, it's not very likely that I'll be able to show up very well when someone I love is angry at me.) Lastly, I'm glad that he has talked with your pastor about this. Our pastor knows too, and he has really helped us at times when we needed a "crisis" appointment to discuss something that had happened. I hope that's someone who can work with you not only in a crisis situation, but also in your quest as a couple to keep God and faith in the forefront of your individual recoveries. With warm regards to you both, Lisa
|
|
|
Post by devastated on Sept 18, 2007 9:23:01 GMT -5
Dear truthbeknown and other friends,
Thanks Lisa for your letter. Sorry I've been a bit slow in getting back to you but my h has traveled and so I've been doing everything. Makes me appreciate the single moms out there. I've reread your letter several times and it has many good things, things I've been feeling. Yes, I still so much grief, confusion, anger, trying to sort out the past and see what was real and what wasn't, trying to put the pieces together. It has helped me understand some things in the past better. Our youngest son is over 6 years younger than our third, and rearing him was left mainly up to me. It was at the time when we got computer and internet and the porning greatly increased. I wonder now if that wasn't why. My h rarely spent time with our 4th - doing the guy things with him. I never understood that. That may not be the only reason, but it makes me wonder.
Yes, everything sexy seems a threat. We live in a beach town, and the summers here are scorching. So, unfortunately, many women dress in skimpy clothing. Makes me so mad. Now, I look at other women and wonder if my h is lusting after them, or being tempted by them. I hate being in this world. Looking at other women and wondering. He says he's to the point in recovery where it isn't such a temptation anymore, and has his brain pretty clear of those images. Still I can't help but wondering what he's thinking. I never liked the skimpy clothing before but I never knew my h had such a problem with it. Now, I hate it and I hate thinking and wondering so much.
My h isn't really seeming depressed. But, he can't understand why we just can't proceed to the future. He's resolved the past and wants to move on. But, I can't. I haven't resolved the past. Any suggestions on how to do this from any of you who might be reading this letter? I've been doing some of the lessons on recovery nation and we should get some books soon. This is something so new and so unexpected that I feel at a loss as to how to go about healing. Many of the same things keep rolling around in my head. Some days I don't feel I'm making progress. But, I am crying less and able to deal better with day to day activities.
I believe it's hard for my h to deal with the consequences of what this has done to me. I'm still not sleeping well at night. I got some sleeping pills from my dr. but I don't want to use them too much. I've never taken any before (except for Tylenol pm on occasion). I have lots of ups and down emotionally. It's hard for my h to see how it has affected me. But, I'm not going to rush through the healing for him.
My h will be gone for another week so I'm using this time to think, pray, read, and trying to heal. But, it's slow. But, in time will come as long as my h stays clean.
Thanks for the encouragment and understanding. It means so much.
|
|
|
Post by Benderson on Sept 18, 2007 9:56:00 GMT -5
From what I can gather, your healing is of great concern to him. He knows there's only so much he can do to help you heal without being overly interfering. I wouldn't call that sort of feeling 'depressed'; but from his posts, that seems to be his biggest worry right now.
He states that he understands that you need lots of time to process this; but do you feel pressured to move on by him, anyway? Do you think he's putting out that vibe?
(((devastated)))
|
|
|
Post by truthbeknown on Sept 19, 2007 4:58:38 GMT -5
Hi, I sure do understand about all that questioning and "putting the pieces together" that's happening for you. Though it's a natural reaction to try to string things together that may have baffled us, or completely escaped/remained hidden from our attention, I remember that I had to be careful not to get too stuck in that, or else I completely missed the present that was happening around me. This made me miss out on both the good things going on at the time. It also made me more vulnerable to triggers out there....
I found it very helpful sometimes to just go outside and pick up shells until my mind wasn't somewhere back in the past anymore. I've struggled with that off and on for years. Also, living in a beach town....sigh....that's got to be tough for you suddenly...the loss of that serenity I used to feel at the beach was a real (expletive) for me to accept. I've always loved the water and all things associated with it. I'm sorry that you are coping with that right now. If both of you keep working your recoveries, that will surely get better for you and you'll enjoy it more comfortably again. I wish I could tell you that one day you'll never be affected by those triggers anymore, but that wasn't possible in my case, so I have far less insight to offer on that one. I hope that gets better for you as your couple recovery moves to new levels.
Just wondering...Are you experiencing any difficult feelings over his current travel? That's really tough for alot of us around here. If so, we'll listen, and maybe some can share some things that have helped them cope with their husbands' travel in the past. Having some contracts in place are very helpful to some people. There are examples of those tools and others on the website for Recovering Couples Anonymous. There are many RCA chapters around. Their website is recovering-couples.org
Dont worry about taking the time you need to take care of yourself, and it doesn't matter how many replies you have here or how long ago they came in...sometimes we all need to take a break from the board, maybe an afternoon, a couple days, a weekend....it's all good....we're here for you. It looks pretty guaranteed that some combination of us will always be here.
Blessings, Lisa
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Sept 19, 2007 7:24:34 GMT -5
Hi Devastated,
I don't visit the board too much these days but I noticed your thread, read it, and want to offer my support and advice.
I should let you know that I've followed your husband's progress over the past few years on these boards and I very much believe his desire to recover - and will to recover - are extremely strong.
It is commonly reported here, that a porn addict who discloses the truth to his wife expects her to get over it in a few weeks. However I have never seen any woman here get past the issue in a few weeks. It is an unrealistic expectation on your husband's part and you should tell him so. It is not as if you will ever forget what he did. One can't forget such betrayal. Things will be different forever. You can recover your relationship but it's going to take a long time and a lot of work from both of you.
I found it helped for my partner to let me know each and every day that he remembered that he had hurt me so much - that he owned his betrayal rather than whitewashing it. He had to accept that I was not interested in being affectionate or in sexual relations with him for many months.
As for your mistrust of him, it is important not to try to second guess what he is doing each and every day (eg at the beach). You will end up going nuts if you try to monitor his thoughts and glances, activities, etc. So what worked for me was to ask for a weekly report. Once a week, my partner had to let me know how he had been doing. My job was to try to focus on me during the week - to find myself - to distance myself from him (whether he liked it or not). This will give him a chance to recover, will give you a chance to heal, and will allow better decisions to be made for both of you.
Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful. You sound like a wonderful woman and Witness has been very fortunate that you are giving him a chance to set things right and make amends.
hugs,
Still
|
|