Post by devastated on Dec 18, 2007 16:51:50 GMT -5
It has taken me a few days to get back to the board. I've been out a lot (the distraction has been good) and I'm also getting ready for the arrival of my kids for the holidays. The first one arrived this afternoon and the others will arrive in a few days.
Iambetrayed, thanks soooo much for your letter. Yes, you and I are in much the same place and I really identified with so much that you said. In one part of your letter, you said the following:
"I think part of the problem is that try as they might, our husbands can not possibly understand the pain that this causes us. And I think that part of the reason for that is that they can never, ever imagine us doing what they did, or even doing any version of it. I tried one time writing an imaginary story on Witnesses post in an attempt to make him feel the slightest bit jealous, to see things your way just a bit. I had to keep it very mild out of respect to you. But I don't think he really got it. The problem is that they can't imagine us going elsewhere for anything - emotional comfort, intimate conversation, sex. And what they don't understand is that before all of this was dumped on us we couldn't imagine them doing it either. We were just as shocked to find out what they were doing as they would have been if they'd found out we were doing it. "
I really don't think men have any idea of the depth of the hurt. My h is trying, but you are right, that they can't fathom it, just as I can still hardly fathom what my h has done to me. Your story was good and it did strike a cord. I've also tried using examples but it all falls short. I think one can only understand the hurt when you've gone through it.
I think my h expects too much too soon in my recovery. He gets tired of my going over the same things but somehow I need to talk it out again. I don't know why. I gets it is part of the process of coming to terms with it. I remind him that he's known his whole adult life and I've known for 3 and a half months. It really is a pit we're thrown into, without any preparation for it.
I'm thankful my h is in active recovery. If he weren't, I wouldn't be here. He knows I will leave him if he goes back and I know I have the strength to do so.
Yes, finding out feels like an assault on my womanhood. It feels like emotionally that I wasn't enough for him. I know intellectually that that isn't true, but emotionally I'm not there yet. I am trying to be good to myself. I bought some new clothes (my h helped pick them out), gotten a hair cut. I'm getting older (I'm in my 50's) and really thought he still found me attractive. I imagined us growing older and aging together and both of us going through the process together. To find out he had bought into the world's view of beauty is soooo hard. He fed on the lovely bodies and big breasts of those young women. And, porn women never grow old. There's always a new supply.
I'm trying to read some and have done about half the lessons on recovery nation. My therapist asked me to refrain from doing too much as it was overwhelming to me and I felt like I was drowning emotionally. I'm gradually getting stronger and plan to do more after the holidays. Iambetrayed, your suggestions were excellent.
Tryintogetthru, there are a lot of women here who know how you feel. Keep writing and getting help from all these wonderful friends here. No matter how you find out, it's one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life. But, help is available. I have gotten so much here. Is your h in recovery? Is he posting? If not, encourage him to do so.
May God bless each of you this holiday season and I pray that we all find a measure of peace that only Jesus gives in spite of the turbulent waters we are passing through.
Iambetrayed, thanks soooo much for your letter. Yes, you and I are in much the same place and I really identified with so much that you said. In one part of your letter, you said the following:
"I think part of the problem is that try as they might, our husbands can not possibly understand the pain that this causes us. And I think that part of the reason for that is that they can never, ever imagine us doing what they did, or even doing any version of it. I tried one time writing an imaginary story on Witnesses post in an attempt to make him feel the slightest bit jealous, to see things your way just a bit. I had to keep it very mild out of respect to you. But I don't think he really got it. The problem is that they can't imagine us going elsewhere for anything - emotional comfort, intimate conversation, sex. And what they don't understand is that before all of this was dumped on us we couldn't imagine them doing it either. We were just as shocked to find out what they were doing as they would have been if they'd found out we were doing it. "
I really don't think men have any idea of the depth of the hurt. My h is trying, but you are right, that they can't fathom it, just as I can still hardly fathom what my h has done to me. Your story was good and it did strike a cord. I've also tried using examples but it all falls short. I think one can only understand the hurt when you've gone through it.
I think my h expects too much too soon in my recovery. He gets tired of my going over the same things but somehow I need to talk it out again. I don't know why. I gets it is part of the process of coming to terms with it. I remind him that he's known his whole adult life and I've known for 3 and a half months. It really is a pit we're thrown into, without any preparation for it.
I'm thankful my h is in active recovery. If he weren't, I wouldn't be here. He knows I will leave him if he goes back and I know I have the strength to do so.
Yes, finding out feels like an assault on my womanhood. It feels like emotionally that I wasn't enough for him. I know intellectually that that isn't true, but emotionally I'm not there yet. I am trying to be good to myself. I bought some new clothes (my h helped pick them out), gotten a hair cut. I'm getting older (I'm in my 50's) and really thought he still found me attractive. I imagined us growing older and aging together and both of us going through the process together. To find out he had bought into the world's view of beauty is soooo hard. He fed on the lovely bodies and big breasts of those young women. And, porn women never grow old. There's always a new supply.
I'm trying to read some and have done about half the lessons on recovery nation. My therapist asked me to refrain from doing too much as it was overwhelming to me and I felt like I was drowning emotionally. I'm gradually getting stronger and plan to do more after the holidays. Iambetrayed, your suggestions were excellent.
Tryintogetthru, there are a lot of women here who know how you feel. Keep writing and getting help from all these wonderful friends here. No matter how you find out, it's one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life. But, help is available. I have gotten so much here. Is your h in recovery? Is he posting? If not, encourage him to do so.
May God bless each of you this holiday season and I pray that we all find a measure of peace that only Jesus gives in spite of the turbulent waters we are passing through.