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Post by mo4wo1 on Aug 31, 2007 8:45:57 GMT -5
Best wishes
(((hugs)))
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Post by Benderson on Aug 31, 2007 11:53:31 GMT -5
I, too, have a husband that won't talk to me about the 'big' things. He'll talk about finances, future plans, what to have for dinner; but none of the nitty gritty stiff needed to cement the relationship. ....but I should have expected that; since his family seems to believe that if important issues don't get discussed, they'll magically go away. Just like the reality of the situation, the truths within that reality are going to take a long time to sink in. The feelings just have to move over a bit for it to happen. (((devastated))) Benderson
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Post by devastated on Aug 31, 2007 20:57:35 GMT -5
Thanks, Benderson, for your understanding. It seems like men just really don't understand women - our needs, what it feels like for them to porn, the huge impact, the devastation we feel. I feel like I've been hit by a huge truck. I'm trying to work through things but it will take time. I'm stuck in the anger stage. It's just been a week since he told me so I guess it's normal. How did some of you work through the anger? How long did it take you to get past it?
God is my comfort and I'm trying to lean on Him more and more. Sometimes I don't feel I'm being successful, though. Hugs to all.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 31, 2007 21:15:19 GMT -5
Thanks, Benderson, for your understanding. It seems like men just really don't understand women - our needs, what it feels like for them to porn, the huge impact, the devastation we feel. As they move into deeper recovery, I think they really get it. Often I'd ask my husband how he'd feel if his young adult daughter's husband treated her like he had treated me. That would help him empathize. Then I'd hug him or pat his hand and remind him that I was someone's daughter.... God's daughter. They tend to forget that in their objectifying. I think one of Mr. LU's epiphanies was when I told him if he thought porn was so wonderful then why didn't he suggest his daughter be a porn star to pay off her student loans. He didn't know what to say. I could see the horror on his face; but he said, "She's an adult, she'll have to figure out how to pay off her loans." But it did make an impact on him and helped him realize it isn't a moral "hobby". You have been hit by a huge emotional truck - totally blindsided by it. As you said, as you look back, now some things that didn't make sense do - but it was still out of left field. Yes, it's normal. I vented, cried, journaled a lot. Went to counseling. Told my 12-step sponsor. Cried more. The more I learned about PA, the less personal I took it. It still took me about a year to decide it wasn't about me... for me, I thought if it could be about me then I could change and control his addiction. For me to let go and let God was scary. I also did a lot of scripture memory so I could learn to trust God ,pre... I'd loved God since I became a Christian in 1975; but I hadn't learned to trust God to the degree I needed to heal from his addiction and betrayal. There are still times he can do something that will trigger me and I'll feel a flood of anger. The anger isn't as raw, it doesn't last as long and I have an arsenal of weapons to fight the enemy now. Some of them, for me, are holding onto Jesus tighter and some of them are understanding the nature of the disease. Knowledge is power... both knowledge of the addiction and knowledge of Jesus' keeping power. I understand that. We certainly weren't taught to lean on him when we see the marriage we thought we had disintegrate before our eyes. It's such a private pain that it's hard to even talk to God about it at times. LookingUp
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Post by helstone on Sept 2, 2007 1:03:39 GMT -5
Hello devastated.
I am not in a very good place myself lately, but I do want to welcome you. I find it very encouraging that your husband confessed his sins to you, and that he seems to accept that you will go through what you will go through.
But please remember that YOUR recovery is about YOU. And you are right to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, confused, sad, furious, and devastated.
The roller coastering you describe is very normal, I think. I felt psycho when I went through it. And it happened a few times for me. It doesn't happen like that anymore, for which I am very glad, because it is definitely uncomfortable. A lot of the women here have gone through it, and it doesn't last forever.
Please keep posting here. You are not alone.
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Post by devastated on Sept 2, 2007 14:50:45 GMT -5
Thanks for the assurances that I am not alone. This anger stage is hard for my h to understand. But, I told him he's known for 31 years, and I've known for a week. It will be a long road. There are times when I can actually stand to be around him, and other times when I just lash out at him in anger for all the times he betrayed me, and lied to me. I've having trouble getting past all that right now. I feel like I'm in quick sand and sinking in deeper. I told my h that things may get worse before they get better.
I don't understand how they can think that none of what they do will hurt us. We even went to marriage seminars and have TONS of books on marriage and what helps your marriage. It all seems like such a lie. Now I know why he could never get close. I cry for all our marriage and family lost as a result of his porning.
I feel like I'm stuck in the anger stage. I've never felt so angry and deceived in all my life. Please keep me in your prayers.
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Post by glofishy on Sept 2, 2007 15:02:09 GMT -5
It's ok to be angry and he needs to be a man about it and just take it. What do you feel like doing? Is there any leftover porn that you could take a hammer to? Maybe an old hard drive of his? Do you live in the country where you could take his computer out to the back and use it for target practice?
There is absolutely nothing wrong in you feeling deceived when he knew for so long and barely got to disclosing to you. That's why we SO's here overwhelmingly advise the PA's to disclose immediately, don't pass go, don't collect $200 dollars. If he had simply told you he was struggling with porn in the beginning and didn't have answers for you, at least you would have felt that yeah, he has faults, but dishonesty isn't one of them.
It's normal love. I'm so, so sorry!!!
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Post by Benderson on Sept 2, 2007 15:24:21 GMT -5
This anger stage is hard for my h to understand. He'll get it. We're also trying to help him see.
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Post by devastated on Sept 3, 2007 8:48:37 GMT -5
Thanks Glofishy and Benderson for the notes. I agree, Glofishy, that had he disclosed years ago, at least there would not have been years of dishonesty. It would have been difficult, yes, but I don't think as much so. I'm having trouble getting past years of dishonesty, along with the deceit and adultery in his heart. I told him about a guy I dated once who drove in the exit to a drive-in movie. It was a light porn movie and I insisted we leave at once. I never saw him again. He had revealed how he was. I never thought my h was that type. He never revealed it to me. Of course I knew he'd take occasional glances at women on the street or on TV dressed in revealing clothes. But, I never once thought he was doing porn and m/bing. The truth is almost more than I can bear.
I know this will get better with time. Someone said this was like a roller-coaster ride in hell. Yes, I believe it is. Hang in here with me. Your support is helping me make it. Thanks to all and God bless each one.
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Post by completelydone on Sept 3, 2007 11:17:12 GMT -5
devastated said:
I know it feels like that, but in truth, it is HIM that was more important to him than you, not the porn. He has revealed all of this and wants to change because he does love you. The problem seems to be, devastated, that he doesn't know how to show it, or maybe is afraid to.
Does that make it fair to you? NO! There is no excuse for the way he has treated you. It was complete selfishness and he should have been putting you first! There is NEVER an excuse for cheating on your spouse, ever! But, the good news is I truly believe he is trying to put you first now; which is showing his love.
So sorry for your pain. I know how much you hurt and what a roller coaster of emotions you are on right now. It's all consuming and so overwhelming at first. I'll be praying for both of you.
Take care, CD
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Post by glofishy on Sept 3, 2007 11:40:25 GMT -5
Is there a ministry at your church that deals with adulterous situations that might help heal things along? Perhaps a pastor that you can trust that you can confide in? If there is, it might help with the anger in it all.
In the meantime, your anger is normal, please remember that. You have had an awful lot of information to process all at once, and you need to be good to yourself.
If it helps any, you hold all the cards in this relationship right now. I know you don't want to leave, and I support your decision to stay, but really, you have the biblical right to divorce him if you wanted to over his adultery. And this adultery didn't even need to be physical, it was all the same for Jesus right? What compassion and forethought that was. I think that Jesus just putting it out there like that gave husbands a means for accountability to their wives and to God. I think that empowering wives as much as he did with that statement probably has saved more marriages than we could imagine.
The only reason for divorce and remarriage is adultery, and the innocent spouse is allowed to remarry, but not the adulterous one. That's God telling husbands "Look, you take care of your wives and never cheat on her visually or sexually, or you'll wind up alone and I'll let her marry someone else".
It might sound a bit cliche', but God is on your side with this one. Does counseling at church sound like an option?
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Post by zerotolerance on Sept 3, 2007 15:31:41 GMT -5
I felt like my soul had been ripped right out of my chest. It is like we get to the edge of all that we have ever known, only to discover that it has failed us, and we really didn't know nothing at all. Everything we thought was real was fake, and things we thought were fake become real. I knew my h was p-ng, but that doesn't make it any better. Knowing or not knowing is really not the problem, the problem is that they are doing it period. And the fact they can objectify those women to the point that watching them exploit themselves, and or be exploited and abused is entertaining and even mb fodder. That is so disgusting. They should be handing them girls some clothes not wanking! At first, I was under the same socialized lies as my h, p wasn't real, they weren't real, etc... But when he started treating me like p, I became the unreal and when he abandoned our marriage for them, they became more real than me. I eventually made it back to the truth that they are real women and so am I. However it doesn't change the fact that users don't have that awareness. There are soo manyfalse socializations and soo many lies portrayed along with the images that most don't even realize they are absorbing the p beliefs and those are becoming their brainwashed beliefs too. Like the one where it isn't real and it won't hurt your wife. The one where it's not cheating. The one where people having disassociated, unloving sex, or sex for money is the good. The one where we encourage young women to show their assets instead of protecting them. The list goes on an on. My point is that learning how he is victim too might help. I'm not excusing his behavior whatsoever with that statement. I still believe he knew better. And just because other people sin doesn't make it okay for us to join them. But they don't realize they are "joining them", they think watching, and even mb, is some solo experience that gives them some immunity from joining or something like that. Until they realize they were wrong. I'm impressed by your h saying he was wrong, dead wrong, even. To me that is huge. I think the depth of that wrong is yet to revealed to him completely, but getting even in just a few factors is better than continuing to live the lie anyday. We don't have a chance of plugging our soul holes if we keep engaging in the behavior that is growing them to begin with.
It helps to learn to hold your tongue while you learn to ride the waves too. If you know you are in a triggered state of pain or anger, then that is a good time to isolate yourself imo. I think we are prone to escalate the situation until we become less emotionally charged, or learn how to manage our, new, more intense than we've ever know before, feelings. It helped me to always remember that I didn't have to decide today. That I could take all the time I needed to sort it all out to MY satisfaction before making any major moves. That I didn't have to express everything or every thought to him, or any thoughts for that matter, until I knew what I actually thought about it clearly enough to articulate it more effectively than in the raging uncontrollable manner I found myself developing. The thoughts are intrusive and they can overcome us. It's especially scary when we don't know why. But you know why, in a picture way, and when you sort out all the little factors and can give voice to each of those then the big wad of pain starts to lessen. You sort it out one factor at a time. The lie factor, the deceit factor, the cheat factor, the disgust factor, and so on and so forth. You take one step at a time and one thought at a time, and one feeling at a time. It's getting them all at once that is overwhelming, so try to grab one out and work on understanding that one, then the next.
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Post by devastated on Sept 4, 2007 8:35:39 GMT -5
I think you are right CD, that my h was very self-centered when he was p-ing. All he could think of was what he wanted. He bought into the lies that it wasn't really against me, and wasn't really cheating because it wasn't with a real woman. To know that he, as a Christian man, bought into that to the extent that he did, really hurts. And, yes, Glofishy, I agree that it's the same to God. Somehow my h blocked out that part of Jesus' teaching. I really liked it when you said that Jesus was protecting wives with that command. I had never thought of it that way. Shows to what extent Satan can get into people's heads and lead them to believe the lies.
I'm trying to be calmer and my anger isn't as intense. The hurt is still very present and I'm still dealing with some anger. But, it's getting better. ZT, I agree that I need to deal with big issues in a calm way. I'm trying to do that. He has really taken steps forward but I know that he is still very vulnerable. Perhaps more so than he imagines. But, the progress encourages me. And, I'm trying to take things one step at a time. Thanks for the suggestions.
I told him that if I didn't believe that he loved me deep down, and hadn't been making progress, I don't know if I would still he here. It's all still very hard to process and will take lots of time. I've been able to concentrate a bit better the last 24 hours so that's been good. This has all been so overwhelming and intense. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps me see hope or working through it.
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Post by devastated on Sept 6, 2007 8:57:14 GMT -5
I can feel my anger level subsiding. God is good. This has been a difficult two weeks (almost - two weeks ago tomorrow). The hurt is still there. I still can't help but wonder why he did this, if he loved me so much. I'm working on rebuilding the trust and my marriage. Yes, I love him. But when I remember the deception and lies, I feel hurt all over again. He really seems to want to make things right. I pray we can have a better marriage than before.
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Post by rosiemj on Sept 6, 2007 9:33:53 GMT -5
Hi Devastated, I too was one who had pushed him to tell you. I did not realize you had been married 31 yrs!
I read something that said that you can drop something in a second and break it but it takes much longer to put it back together.
I am so sorry for you and yes you are right it will take a long time and if your H is willing to be there for your anger and how you feel without making you feel worse and be a jerk about it you will start to heal.
Once you feel that he gets how you feel then the healing can begin. Dr. Phil says this but I have always known this with things like this.
My partner won't even admit his stuff so you at least got something to go on as long as he keeps being there for all the pain and shows he is serious about recovery and that means no lies or gaslighting and bull crap.
He has a lot of work to do and you should not feel bad to expect this from him.
God bless you and I am thinking of you. LOL Rosie
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