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Post by Mountain on Nov 22, 2006 11:31:26 GMT -5
Well I thought I would give this a try. I have journaled some in the past but I have always been afraid to describe anything with my addiction to P for for fear of who might read it in the future (my kids and wife). My wife knows I have a problem and she is very supportive of me but she really does not understand what I go through and how bad it is. In a way I don't want her to know because I think it would devastate her.
I just found this board yesterday after a lame morning at work sucked into P on my computer. Today will be my day one again. I am feeling pretty good about everything right now.
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Post by MJ on Nov 22, 2006 15:17:08 GMT -5
Hey Mountain,
Glad to see you started a journal. Journaling really helps because you can talk about your feelings, plus you get good comments too. I look forward to following your journey.
Peace,
MJ
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Post by Mountain on Nov 26, 2006 22:07:16 GMT -5
The last few days have gone well for me. I am really looking forward to getting past that one week mark and moving on to the next week and so on.
I really like using this site. It has been less than a week for me but it has been very good for me to see others out there with very similar issues. I want so much to succeed. I have a great wife and awesome children; I am very active in my church. I just want so much to get past this feeling of leading a double life some times. My PA is so hard for me because it is against everything I believe in. I guess that is why when I act out I feel like such a scum bag.
Right now I am feeling good. I love my family. I love the Lord and I am going to do this. I am not going to do it alone. I am going to get the Lords help and also the support from the folks on this board and from my best friend who is my wife.
May God be with me to continue this journey to freedom!
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Post by MJ on Nov 27, 2006 6:38:41 GMT -5
Hey Mountain,
Thanks for stopping by in my journal. I'm glad that things are going well for you. Keep up the good work, one day at a time.
Peace,
MJ
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Post by reconstituting on Nov 27, 2006 9:21:25 GMT -5
I look forward to hearing about a successful journey into recovery. Keep going - life's better without P.
My best wishes,
Recon
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Post by Mountain on Nov 29, 2006 17:03:46 GMT -5
Well it has been about a week of no P or MB and I am off to a good start again. It always feels good to get that week behind you. For me it is a big step in moving forward.
Today has been a little harder. Not sure what it is but it has been on my mind. I have not acted out at all. In fact I have spent time on the board. (time I need to be working) rather than at P sites. It is helpful. It does bug me because I need to be getting work done. When I don’t get things done like I want it adds to the stress and that makes it easier to fall/slip.
I guess I would rather be spending time on the board than where I should not be…. I have some concerns about the up coming week. Right now there are only 2 of us in my office and my colleague is going on vacation for a little over a week. It is always harder when I am alone in my office. Easy to get board (not that I don’t have plenty of work to do) or just get idle which leads down the wrong path. My office is my biggest problem. I don’t have too much of a problem at home because everyone is there and I don’t get the time alone to get into P. I would die if my wife or worse my children caught me in the act! I have had a problem recently late at night with the TV and playing games with to buy a PPV P movie or not and playing games with the remote… I do not have any channels like HBO etc but I know of one channel that comes in that has nudity on it late at night. I have it blocked but I also know how to unlock it. I have only gone down that path a few times in the last couple of months since I moved into this new house. I have also have a thing about trying not to bring that crap into my house. I think it not only is bad for me but it opens the doors for a bad spirit in the home.
When I lived in my old house this was harder for me because I worked from home and my office was in the basement and it was easy to be alone and get into this crap. Now my office is just around the corner from the family room which is better for me. I have never really accessed P on the family computer.
I am really rambling now and I need to get back to work…. Some time I need to share more of my story about how I got started with P and MB all the struggles I had when I traveled every week and P is available in all the hotels etc.
I know I am addicted to this crap. I also know I can overcome. I know that the Lord can help me if I do my part in taking his hand. I have a great wife who I love very much. I fell fortunate because many the folks I see on the board seem to be single which to me would make it even harder. My wife is wonderful. She tries to be understanding even when it hurts here so much. She has never been one to CUT me off to make things worse. Our intimate life is fine. I am sure it would be better if I did not have this problem. I have a great children and I want so bad to be the Father they think I am. The one I am when I am not messing with P. I love the Lord and am very blessed. May the Lord take this away form me and may I let him take it away that I may be free…
I am sorry if anyone is reading this and it is not making sense. I am not much of a writer.
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Post by Mountain on Dec 1, 2006 1:11:45 GMT -5
Well today I do not feel like rambling so much. I have had a good day. I am seeing the light and want to be free.
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Post by MJ on Dec 1, 2006 6:33:32 GMT -5
Hey Mountain,
Glad that things are going well. Thanks for stopping by in my journal.
Peace,
MJ
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Post by Mountain on Dec 1, 2006 14:18:30 GMT -5
Today had has been good so far. I was a little worried because I am the only one in the office today. It helps to come to the board. I have been sharing my board experience with my wife the last couple of days. I worried about that a little but she is very supportive. She is so great and I love her so much. I really want to be clean for her! I also want to bad to be clean for my children. I love being a dad. I hate leading a double life. I have to stick it out and make my life one. Not just one by uniting them but making it be the one I want not the one of the addict. I want the one of peace and happiness not the one of slavery.
I am going to commit to do a better job at reading my scriptures. I also need to make my prayers more meaningful. It is amazing that I really know a lot of the things to do to help me in the journey and just for some reason chose not too. The result usually ends up being a slip. I do not want that to happen.
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Post by reconstituting on Dec 2, 2006 6:26:53 GMT -5
Mountain,
Keep coming here, keep a day count. One thing that got me started was having a note that appeared in the left column saying "No P since 30 Aug 2006, that's 9 days fee" or something. Each day I came here and advanced that day count by one. Also, if you are alone in you office and might get tempted to P later, come here first - read some other stories - write a journal entry. Make concrete in written words those promises to yourself.
Just my advice,
Recon
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Post by Mountain on Dec 4, 2006 18:44:57 GMT -5
Things are going pretty good. I will hit 2 weeks tomorrow. I can not wait to have a month behind me. I feel good and have been having some great conversations with my wife about everything. That is helpful. I really like visiting the board. I do feel like I might waste a little to much time out here. Time that I need to be working. I guess that is better than time viewing P.
I have had plenty of small temptations but so far we are going strong. I sure am glad that my wife is in there to help me on this. She always has been but it has never been fun to share with here when I am slipping up.
I best go for now. I will keep up the fight.
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Post by Mountain on Dec 6, 2006 3:29:46 GMT -5
I am still going strong. I now have 2 weeks behind me and now working for 3. The temptations are not gone. Even now I am having them. It is quite late and I have been on the Computer catching up on some work and I have been tempted to see just a little either on the web or just “accidentally” see some on the cable. I changed the channel so I am just watching some rodeo.
I was catching up with a friend online today and we were talking about her husband. He has a new job but he is traveling all the time and she said he likes it. It was a reminder to me of how glad I am that I am not on the road all the time any more. It was so hard with the porn in all the hotel rooms. I use to figure out all kinds of ways to get it. I really am worried for him. I know him pretty well and I know they had some marriage issues in the past. It is so easy to fall when you are away all the time.
What a blessing to come home at night and be with my wife and children. I still do travel a little but nothing like I used to. And when I do now it is still very hard for me.
Well it is time to turn in for now.
May the Lord help me kick this crap!
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Post by MJ on Dec 6, 2006 6:16:16 GMT -5
Hey Mountain,
Keep up the good work!
---MJ
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Post by younggun on Dec 6, 2006 11:33:56 GMT -5
Great work so far mountain. I'm rooting for you to reach that 3 weeks mark! That would be so awesome.
God Bless.
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Post by Mountain on Dec 6, 2006 17:33:10 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragment guys. I know I can do it.
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