|
Post by googles on Oct 23, 2007 7:34:44 GMT -5
Good morning to ........ myself, I guess. The person who I don't know anymore, after 38 years of existance on this earth. Who am I, and what do I do what I do? I mean, how pathetic is looking at P on the Internet? There are soooo many other constuctive things that I can be doing with my time, but I instead waste my life away, and put Ms Googles through so much stress over this. Sad, sad, sad. But...... There is always redemption for the sinner that seeks forgiveness. I KNOW that I can turn this off NOW, if I choose to. Making excuses for what I am doind dosen't take that much effort, but committing to staying P and MB free does. Am I ready to begin with serious committment, or am I still just trying to F* around and avoid the issue? Before answering this, I am going to take some time to think about what I have just written, and I will post an honest answer within a few minutes.
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 23, 2007 8:41:09 GMT -5
OK. Here is the bottom line. I have called a councellor, who was out but hopefully will call me back later today. I will be asking him for the number of someone that I can see professionally on the issue of WHY I continue to do this after so many years. I will get back into my regular daily postings, but ensure that I do not stray into reading other posts, and getting sidetracked from my own recovery. I affirm that I do not want to spend my 40th year worrying about P and MB, and hiding behind this "other" person, who I don't really know at all (or know to well... not sure how to put that) I begin day 1 of "true" resolve, the day before my 39th Birthday. This is it for me. Any other path will lead to the desolution of my marriage, and I am NOT prepared to lose Ms Googles over this filth. Pray for me.
|
|
|
Post by witness on Oct 24, 2007 4:19:06 GMT -5
I'm glad to see you have not given up.
May I recommend doing the online course at Recovery Nation? It is free. I think it might help.
There is hope! Blessings, W.
|
|
|
Post by todayi on Oct 24, 2007 7:50:21 GMT -5
Googles I share your frustration. How can a person not rid yourself of this, because you want to! I remember something about the spirit being willing but the flesh weak. Anyway heads up, make it last this time round.
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 26, 2007 12:23:02 GMT -5
Day 4
So far so good. Looking forward to more days like the last 4. Have had no "withdrawal symptoms" as yet, but I know they are just around the corner, waiting to trip me up. Just needed to share the fact that I have NEVER been more committed to giving this crap up that I am right now, and I feel very much like I felt when I gave up smoking cold turkey. I just have to remember the triggers when they start to appear, and to deal with them appropriately. Looking forward to the weekend, with drinking in moderation and NO P at ALL!!!!!!! Hi Witness, glad to see you are still around. What is Recovery Nation? and are you a part of the discussion groups, and if so, can I join one that you are in? Let me know. Thanks for always cheaking up on me also.
|
|
william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
|
Post by william1000 on Oct 27, 2007 9:56:08 GMT -5
Keep going Googles. Its tough but its worth it. I can understand the straying reading other posts. Some are so negative they put you off. However lots are positive and show that it can be overcome. Best of luck in your struggle
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Oct 27, 2007 17:58:52 GMT -5
Googles, have you went back to your old journals and analyzed if there are any similarities of the other times you've slipped and relapsed and quit posting for a few months?
I've also noticed that the last couple times you've been here, you've had very little input, validation, support, encouragement or warnings on other people's threads. One thing I've learned through my own addiction recoveries - whatever I learn isn't "mine" (in an active, usable way) until I give it away. As long as my recovery is "me" focused - then I'm heading for a slip... I have to get "other" focused. That may not be true for others - just telling my story. Take what you want a leave the rest.
LookingUp
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 29, 2007 7:50:49 GMT -5
Day 7
One week down, rest of life to go. Very interesting observation that Lookingup has just made. Thanks for checking up on me AS USUAL! I need to find a balance between posting my experiences for the help of others, and spending hours reading other peoples journals looking for triggers to set myself upo for a slip. It happens in here alot, and people putting *trigger* in front of explicit details of their past history sometimes acts like a beacon for the P addicted to come in, read, and get triggered. This has happened to me in the past, and is a major contributor to some of my slips, especially after I have made any significant sobriety time. I do intend to get "other" focussed, but I feel the need to have at least another 2 weeks P and MB free before I can focus on others. I believe that I can do it this time, and am on the path to a freedom that I have never had my ENTIRE adult life. Great day to all who pass through my journal, and may we all have just one more day free of addictive behavior.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Oct 29, 2007 8:43:49 GMT -5
I certainly understand about triggers. That's why I don't visit the PA board anymore and only a few titles on the General board. For me, I've found the circles and a few journals very helpful in my recovery. I think you're using wisdom to wait for a couple weeks since reading causes you triggers.
LookingUp
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 29, 2007 12:31:58 GMT -5
Hi Lookingup. I need to join a circle that you are in, so that you can keep an eye on me and help me to continue my committment to staying away from P and MB. Yourself and Witness have been the two people who have always checked up on me, and posted in my journal within days (and sometimes hours) of my returning. I am FULLY committed to changing my life, and doing so before I turn 40, which I believe is a pathetic age for someone to be sitting at a computer and drooling over pixel images instead of being outside and enjoying life. Let me know what you think, because I know you give sound advice.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Oct 29, 2007 15:45:37 GMT -5
I think using your 40th as an incentive to get clean is a great idea. It seems you're in your late 30s. I'm glad you're committed to changing your life. Are you considering making a different recovery plan then you've used before?
I doubt if you can join our SO healing circle - but I hope you find one that is compatible with your needs when that time is right for you. Maybe Mrs. Googles would want to join us?
LookingUp
|
|
|
Post by witness on Oct 29, 2007 15:55:16 GMT -5
Recovery Nation is a site that offers a free online course. I found it helpful.
Keep at this! It is worth the effort!
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 30, 2007 9:36:06 GMT -5
Day 8
Feeling GREAT today. And I KNOW what that means..... the P genie is sitting on my shoulder, telling me.... OK, your doing fine, so reward yourself.... not any hard P, just go surf somewhere where you can download harmless pics.... maybe girlfights, or girl...... GET THE PICTURE? Sooooooo....... KMASS Mr P Genie.... NO MORE MAGIC FOR YOU TODAY!!!!! This is one of the ways that my mind plays tricks on me. Utube and other "innocent" sites that allows you to view "harmless" non P pictures (yeah right!). I read in someone's post that porn and violence are linked strongly, and I SOOOO believe it. I used to watch Ultimate fighting championships on UPN, and also online, and I don't know how they are linked (besides the skimpily clad round girls) but I KNOW that they are. So, no more of that for me either. Witness, I will look up recovery nation when I get home, and I WILL do the course. I will let you know how it goes. Are you in an accountability group, or circle that you can invite me to join? Sometimes I feel so.... alone in here I guess. (Not in my real life however) Lookingup, I am not an SO, so I can't join your group. However, please continue to look in on me, as I am SERIOUSLY on a journey, my final journey to P and MB freedom that began 8 days ago, and will continue for the rest of my life.
|
|
|
Post by googles on Oct 31, 2007 7:14:58 GMT -5
Day 9
The beginning of the BLAH time is here. It's amazing how the body tries to trick the mind into believing hat it "cannot" do without the P and a little release. My body right now is trying to convince my mind that without the P I will: 1. Become impotent 2. Lose interest in sex altogether 3. have an affair because Ms Googles does not want to have sex as often as I do
I don't know why the positive things from giving up P are not the things that my mind retains, because all fo the above is bulls$&t. I know that I will: 1. Get my life back 2. Enjoy a better sex life with Ms Googles because the trust will grow over time from her 3. Put our lovemaking into perspective, so that it does not consume my thoughts all of the time
I believe that I will be ableto focus on the prize, instead on the work that I have to do from now on to notice the triggers, and take positive steps to ensure that they do not affect me and my goals for sobriety.
|
|
|
Post by witness on Oct 31, 2007 12:11:12 GMT -5
One thing I had to learn that helped me was that sex is great but is NOT my number one need. I could live without it. Many people do. It should not consume me. There is much more to life than sex. Focusing on what is REALLY important kind of puts things in their proper place.
Blessings!
|
|