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Post by googles on Nov 12, 2007 7:13:40 GMT -5
Day 21
That's right. 3 weeks of sobriety. Feels fantastic just to think about it. And terrifying also, that I could possibly slip and mess all of this up. I don't know why I have these fears of failure whenever I am doing so well with this. I need to think some more on WHY I am feeling numb about this whole issue, when just last week I was so confident that I would be free of my addictive behavior. Not that I am suggesting that I am going to slip, because I have come to realize that slipping is a copout after you get to a certain point in your recovery. I KNOW that my willpower is stronger than this addiction, and I have been taking the easy way out by slipping. NO MORE will I allow that to happen. Good luck to all those who feel triggered this morning and throughout the day.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 12, 2007 9:46:47 GMT -5
Congratulations. Looks like you've came up with some good "think about" questions!
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Post by witness on Nov 12, 2007 9:57:38 GMT -5
Did you ever check out Recovery Nation and the free course there?
You have made it to 3 weeks before. Look for help. Keep working at this. Make this time be different!
Blessings!
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Post by googles on Nov 13, 2007 10:39:49 GMT -5
Day 22
How right you are Witness, that I have been here before (but only once you know), but this time is so DIFFERENT! I KNOW I feel the same way about this as I did when I finally gave up smoking, cold turkey, in 1992. I still am aware of the triggers that I need to look out for, and the fact that R rated movies are triggers (I don't watch them unless Ms Googles is with me). HBO, Cinemax.... no need for comment on a Friday night! Drinking, need I say more.
Recovery Nation will be looked at as soon as I finish with my financial year end, but that will not be before the end of the week.
I am focused, 100%, on my sobriety, because I KNOW how it affects Ms Googles. I always knew as a matter of fact, but pretended that what she did not know could not hurt her. How wrong I was, because the escallation of the need always causes me (and anyone else who uses) to get caught. It is ALWAYS a matter of time, and the effects are always the same... devastating.
So I CANNOT put her through that again, and the best part of this current (and final) attempt is that I am able to NOT substitute porn sex with Ms Googles for the porn that I am missing. We have not been intimate in at least 2 weeks, and I am yet to pester her about sex. I think that it is probably wiser for me to be BLUE right now, although I did not register that way on the 100 day page. I hope she comes in here to read my posts, but I honestly do not ask her anymore, because I no longer want her to believe my "words", but rather my "actions".
Thanks to both of you, for caring enough to keep on looking out for me. We will soon be celebrating 50 days sober, then it will be on to 100!!!!
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 13, 2007 11:24:16 GMT -5
Over three weeks sober. That's great!
Will reaching the end of your financial year and having that stress removed be a temptation? if so, are you planning ahead and making strategies to stay sober?
LookingUp
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Post by googles on Nov 14, 2007 7:06:49 GMT -5
Day 23
That's a good point, LookingUp. Didn't think about that, and I know that achieving my immediate goals have caused me to slip in the past. That's why I don't give too much attention to achieving the 50 day goal anymore, because I don't want to set a finish line.
What I have done is change a plan that I had this weekend, which was to go sailing with my friends for 4 days. There is a regatta that started today, and I was supposed to go join them, but as I decided that I would not actually be sailing in the races, I realized that all I would be doing is drinking when they are finished. 4 days of drinking = DEFINATE failure once I return to work. So, I decided not to go. I could use the weekend far more productively, like putting up insect screens on my home, and taking my family out on the boat on Sunday, and getting exercise playing golf on Saturday afternoon. So I am trying to make smart choices in what I am doing, but checking them repeatedly to ensure that I am doing what is right for my recovery. My year end work ends today, so I need to be focused for the next few days, and the binge drinking on a trip like that would have been the last thing that I needed for my sobriety.
Thanks for checking in on me, and have a wonderful day.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 14, 2007 8:39:51 GMT -5
Congratulations on day 23!
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Post by googles on Nov 15, 2007 7:13:45 GMT -5
Day 24
Doing well, feeling great, wary of slips and suggestive situations that proceed a slip, and CONGRATS TO MS GOOGLES ON HER NEW JOB!! I am one PROUD Husband right now.
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Post by googles on Nov 16, 2007 11:42:30 GMT -5
Day 25
I can't believe that it's been 25 days since I last looked at P. Even more incredible, it has been 25 days since I MB'd as well. I know that I am on the right track now, because the MB that I allowed myself to do while abstaining from P in previous attempts helped to keep the images of P alive in my brain. I know that it was when those images began to fade that I would return to P, to "refresh" the images. I honestly do not miss P, although I know that if I return to it now, I could pretend that I did. But it is such a wwonderful feeling to be doing my work, or looking up cool stuff on the internet, and NOT feel like I am missing something exciting on a P webpage.
And anyway, if we are honest with ourselves, it's always the SAME pictures that come from the free websites, so unless you are willing to waste alot of money on paysites, you are really not getting anything new.
When I return on Monday, I will be on the BIG BOARD, and will begin my quest for my FIRST 100 days in earnest. Thanks to Witness and LookingUp, for all your thoughts and sharing during the last few weeks/months. May God bless you both.
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Post by googles on Nov 19, 2007 7:23:17 GMT -5
Day 28
I have not even been to the General board to check on the 100 days journal this morning. I know that I would have moved up to the main list, but I feel I must come here and post the fact that I REALLY FELT PRESSURE to slip this weekend. And I KNOW it was because I was making the move from the below 25 days list to the 100 days list. Ian't even explain why, but I just know that is the reason. I prepared mentally for it just in case, but it still was not easy. I did pass the test however, and am happy to report that I am still P and MB free. I am also mostly Blue, as Ms Googles and I have not been intimate since day 4, so it has been approx 24 days. Feeling some pressure, but focussing on the positives that I am gaining by this abstainance. Thank you all for this Board. It is a lifesaver!!
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 19, 2007 9:52:23 GMT -5
Congratulations on staying sober even when it was a challenge! Way to go!
Could the pressure be withdrawal symtpoms? Don't they often hit between week 2 and 4?
LookingUp
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Post by googles on Nov 20, 2007 7:18:14 GMT -5
Day 29
Hi Lookingup. That's EXACTLY what it is, and it had me really wanting to slip yesterday. I left work early, and went home, and that did the trick. I really wish I knew why this addiction can make you want to do things that your body dosen't feel like doing. I mean, I really know that I would have to look at quite a bit of P now to feel in the mood to MB, because physically my body is not in the place that it was three weeks ago, and does not NEED the P, but my brain WANTS it, and this is disturbing to me. However, I am finding that treating this addiction EXACTLY like I did my smoking addiction is helping tremendously. My lungs certainly did not need the smoke, but my brain convinced me that I did for years. Conciouly reminding myself that the P is NOT GOOD FOR ME, and could kill me emotionally, just the same way that smoking could have killed me physically, is a sobering reminder of why I am getting P out of my life.
Another thing that someone posted in here, is that we do not NEED to MB. I always thought that I could give up P, and just MB when the pressure got too much. But the truth is that to MB you need fantasy, and the fantasy was the very P that I did not want to view. I was just keeping the images alive in my head through MB, and I would inevitably relapse once I could no longer remeber the P images (which comes around day 40-50). But now I feel it is even more important NOT to MB, and let the P images be wipes from my memory. This would certainly be progress. Another day, another day with no P!
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 20, 2007 7:28:21 GMT -5
Congratulations on staying sober - even when your body is craving. I like your analogies to tobacco addiction.
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Post by googles on Nov 21, 2007 8:39:20 GMT -5
Day 30
Did well to overcome cravings the last 2 days, and ahd a really good heart to heart with Ms Googles over a very nice bottle of Chirraz. I really feel that the more that I get away from P, the better our relationship willbe. It's scary, but I believe that I can lover her even more than I do today, which is pretty amazing in my books. Here's to a "NEW" futute for me/us, one without the pain and embarassment of P addiction and MB.
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Post by googles on Nov 22, 2007 13:57:00 GMT -5
Day 31
Tired today, but very aware of the bast that is lurking beneath the surface. Started to do a recovery program on line yesterday, and will continue today/tonight. Very busy today, but will post more tomorrow.
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