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Post by googles on Nov 1, 2007 8:52:04 GMT -5
Day 10
Witness, this is DEFINATELY something that I need to learn. Once I can feel that way, then I am sure this P and MB thing will be in the past. I am now 1/10th of the way to achieving my FIRST goal, which is 100 days. I also need to give up some of the work that I am doing, so that I can spend more time with my family. Ms Googles is hopefully getting a better job soon, and if she does, then I will definately make more time for my family by giiving up some of my additional work. Thanks for looking in on me Witness, and I areally appreciate it.
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Post by googles on Nov 2, 2007 8:19:27 GMT -5
Day 11
Once I make it through this weekend (which I have every intention of doing) I will have made 2 weeks. WHEN LAST have I done that? I can't even remember. The lies, the sneaking around, all for what? It dfeels GOOD to be free, and for every day that I continue to be free of P, I thank God. Hope everyone else who is in here manages to go through just today without any torment and struggle.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 2, 2007 8:22:38 GMT -5
I said a prayer that you'll have a successful weekend - no p and staying sober (didn't you say drinking was a trigger?). Congratulations on 11 DAYS. That's great.
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Post by googles on Nov 2, 2007 15:30:42 GMT -5
Looking up,
I am about to begin my weekend, and I am COMMITTED to making it through not just this one, but many more to come. I feel much different about this particular time than any other, and I believe it is because I am DISGUSTED that I am allowing this to follow me into my 40th year. I can't and won't let that happen, so with your support, and others in here, I will suceed this time around. See you on Monday! And thanks for the prayer. I know it will help me through the weekend
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Post by googles on Nov 5, 2007 7:19:47 GMT -5
Day 14
That's right, two weeks! Feeling a bit down because I think I am getting the cold, but really happy that I can say I have been two weeks without looking at P or MB. And truth be told, I know that I am on my way to beating this (no pun intended) because I FEEL differently about my recovery this time around. I don't miss it, and more importantly, I am constantly reminding myself that sex is NOT the #1 most important thing in my life. So far it has been working, but I am not so nieve as to believe that the Beast is not still lurking, and lulling me into a false sence of security. Ever vigilant, I press on in my 1st 100 day quest for sobriety. May we ALL just make it through one more day.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 5, 2007 9:31:05 GMT -5
Congratulations on making it through the weekend and the 14 days free.
Is it a cold or could it be some withdrawal symptoms?
Congratulations!
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Post by googles on Nov 5, 2007 14:03:58 GMT -5
No LookingUp, I am absolutelyn sure that this is a cold. lol. My daughter gave it to me yesterday, and am waiting on Ms Googles to get it next. All in all, I am feeling pretty good today, and this is definately the easiest I have ever felt going into day 15. It's almost frightening (but in a joyful way) that this could be THE final time that I begin this journey, but I am always hesitant to think like that, because I know that I have a LOONNGGG way to go before I can consider myself truly rid of this affliction. Thanks for continuing to look out for me.
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Post by googles on Nov 6, 2007 10:05:10 GMT -5
Day 15
Feeling very ordinary today. Sure sign to put my guard up, because it is at times like this that I feel I need to go surfing to make myself feel better. How could that possibly work, when I KNOW that once I have finished, I woudl feel so incredibly BAD inside? Dilusional I must be.
Things that are triggers for me are frustration eg. Ms Googles has had to do for an x-ray for me to complete a medical claim, and every day there is some excuse why it was not done. This leads to undue stress on my part, and frustration, which I then release by looking at P and getting my "fix".
However, I was not recognising this form of trigger, and I am now, so I just have to rationalize the situation and encourage her to complete the test, without allowing myself to view P as a way of "punishing" her for not doing what she was supposed to. I don't know if this is any form of breakthrough, but I am noticing these additional triggers, and trying to deal with them in new/different ways than I have in the past.
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Post by googles on Nov 7, 2007 7:49:43 GMT -5
Day 16
Did something I have not done in YEARS today. I was lying in bed this morning, and mad as hell (as usual) that Ms Googles would just lie there knowing that it had been a week since we last were intimate, and that I had made 16 days clean, and that I was horny..... and then I realized that I NEEDED to not have a fix this morning. Because it would just have been a fix. I am absolutely sure that had we made love this morning, I would have slipped today. She did offer (eventually), and I hope that she is not hurt that I said I did not want to, but I really could not tell her how I was feeling, because I did not know how I was truthfully feeling. I am sure that if I FEEL like I am doing something that is going to lead to a slip, then I am NOT going to do it, even if I can't explain to her what I am feeling at the time. I just know that I have a VERY good early warning system, and I just have chosen to ignore it in the past. If I cannot have sex with Ms Googles when she is in the mood, then I won't have it at all. And guilty sex (on her part) is probably the worst sex of all, so if it means that for the next couple of weeks I have to be BLUE, then BLUE I am. Am I having a mini breakthrough here? I am so confused, but probably P delusional is a better description.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 7, 2007 10:42:54 GMT -5
Congratulations on 16 days free. Congratulations on your self-honesty and your openness to post the rest of the story publicly. Way to go! I'll tell a bit of my views from being the SO. what reading your paragraph triggered in my memories. [trigger]Mr. LU use to race me to bed, get nekked, lay in bed with his hands under his head, his legs crossed and wait for me to get nekked and "service" him. He'd porned so much, he no longer knew how to apoproach me like we were a couple in love, romantic and wanting to share our bodies in a loving exchange. It was all about him. It was a porn-headed thought process that had made him forget that making love is not expecting your partner to do it all or follow a formula to get each other to the big O like it was a race. It was about experiencing and enjoying each other - the textures, the smells, the sights the sounds. Had Mr. LU just laid there, sighed, made motion that he wanted some without approaching me in a loving way - in a way that showed he wanted ALL of me and not just various body parts to make him feel good - then I would have responded. If not, I could get out of bed and get dressed without a qualm. I refused to be his blow-up doll. God invented sex to cement the relationship into something more then it is without sex; and I refuse to degrade myself by being a fix any more. [/trigger] I'm not saying that is Mrs. Googles's attitude or that is what happened. But I've read a lot of posts by SOs and journals by SOs and when a woman feels unromanced, unloved and very used is a common feeling. Often it's in the approach. Think back to how you would have approached her for a kiss or maybe some smooching when you were dating her. You'd kiss a little, talk a little, try to get to first base a little, then talk a little - that's what many women consider romance. Maybe flowers and a candlelight restaurant are nice occasionally - but feeling valued, accepted, worth being heard and worth being talked to about intimate things is often a real turn-on for women. I told my PA son that sex starts in the kitchen - nothing is more sexy then seeing a man with a dish cloth and using it. His wife smiled and affirmed it. Now as he helps around the house he sings a the song, "I'm too sexy for my...." (by Right Fred Said) and his wife cracks up with laughter. She said his change of attitude (and stopping porn) has really helped her want to bond again. She's about your age... nearing 40 and son is 12 years younger. In the future, maybe be honest about not knowing. Say something like, "I'm not sure how I'm feeling; but I love you and i want you; but right now I don't think I could make love to you in a connected way. I'll think about why and let you know this evening or <give a time so she has something to hang hope on>." THe reason validation is important is if not, it's easy for us SOs to presume we don't measure up to what you can get from viewing porn and you're rejecting us rather than protecting us and the marriage. I'm glad that warning system is reactivated. It's great you can hear your intuition again. Good choice. I hope you can find words to discuss what's going on in your mind to Mrs. Googles. TO calm her anxieties and to give her hope for the future. I presume you've had another disclosure about your recurring slips? I presume that because she knew it was Day 16 sober. I'll let the PAs answer that. LookingUp
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Post by googles on Nov 7, 2007 13:13:05 GMT -5
As usual, good food for thought. I intend to talk with Ms Googles tonight about what happened this morning. While your triggered memory is different from what happens, it is not TOTALLY different, and I can see some similarities in what you are saying with what is happening. Ms Googles does not talk much about her feelings in this area, soI am basically stumbling along blind. But I hear you, and will find some way to explain how I am feeling presently tonight.
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Post by googles on Nov 8, 2007 12:02:06 GMT -5
Day 17
Very busy today. Doung very well, but I will post tomorrow in more detail. Congratulations to Witness on his 100 days.
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Post by googles on Nov 9, 2007 7:12:48 GMT -5
Day 18
Almost 1/5th of the way there. And I did a very important thing today. I deleted all cookies and browser history BEFORE I got too far into my recovery. I know in the past I have consiously left files in my history, and then fooled myself into thinking that I am far enough into my recovery to "delete" them. Then, once I have begun the process, I convince myself that I am fine, and what harm can I do by looking at "one or two pics". Thats how it starts, and then I slip and go back to feeling like crap. So I have just done it. Not to say that I am not very triggered right now, but I believe I did this at the right time, not immediately on day 1 when it would have been an empty promise, and not later on when I could pretend that I am over this. I probably will never be "over" this, and need to be vigilant against it every day. Lord, give me the strength to make it through yet another day.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 9, 2007 9:56:14 GMT -5
Congratulations on being proactive and deleting the stuff off your computer. Way to go! Congratulations on 18 days free. May you have a wonderful and sober weekend and connect with Mrs. Googles and your child in a bonding and caring way.
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Post by googles on Nov 9, 2007 13:41:52 GMT -5
Thanks Lookingup. And may you continue to inspire others to work on their addictions, and help SO's who are in need with their issues. We all have a purpose and a gift, asn yours is clearly to help with recovery on both sides of the coin. Have a FANTASTIC weekend. And to all my fellow strugglers, remember we are all in this for the same reason. Our happiness with ourselves.
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