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Post by Mayberry on Jul 30, 2007 19:16:32 GMT -5
Thank you, dear ones. I'm going to be quiet for the rest of the night, though I have read your other posts from this evening. I think, really, I need to continue to try to center tonight. Do the dishes, read a bit, hit the hay. My love to you both. J
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 31, 2007 5:33:55 GMT -5
What powerful words this person dealing with his addiction posted (above) in another thread. Do I want to treat my wife as a stranger again...someone who gets in the way of my love affair with porn and my own hand.... Had a bit of a talk with Mr. Mayberry last night. Warned him that I had engaged in a rant on my journal. Reminded him that my journal is a place for me to "hear myself" and see what rings as worthy of work/attention in my own life. Thanked him for never having directly blame-shifted onto me. Told him that the work I was doing here was for my healing, my strength, my part of the "how are we going to go forward together after this." That lead to some disclosure from Mr. Mayberry that he HAD blame-shifted, internally, and refrained from doing so verbally. He said: after the first time you found porn on my computer, I was sitting over there thinking, She's going to control what I think now? This is mine. But I restrained myself because I see you as a standard: someone I want to be more like. Someone who has values that I have wanted in my life. (This is a condensation: there were a lot more words. These are some of the ones that "stuck." I was also "stuck with" a comment about his feeling that he'd only ever been involved with sex addicts before. Boy, that gave me pause. A whole little range of reactions inside me, that I can't or shan't or don't have enough information to speak to at present.) I could go on another rant at this point, but I don't need to. (edit: this proves to be wrong later in this post) I AM and need to be aware and thankful that Mr. Mayberry is good enough, and self-aware enough to NOT have said what he was thinking in this area. I am thankful that he didn't try to blame-shift when this crap hit the fan, because I have had enough prior experience with crazy-making blame-shifting that I would've told him to hit the road. But the quote, above, leads me to this statement: YES. I'm sure going to step up and speak up when my "beloved" is having an affair. With porn and his own hand. With women-at-a-distance to whom he can give highly edited versions of himself in exchange for the "thrill" of "validation" and "attraction" from someone who doesn't have the love-burden of loving him for who he actually is. YES. I am absolutely controlling in this area because I am the wife, here. This is not just Mr. Mayberry's sex life or sexual thrills we're talking about. This is my sexual self. RANT ON: You want to talk about CONTROL (in a negative sense)? Let's talk about control. Let's go back to the rape quote from yesterday. You don't find it controlling that YOU have controlled my access to YOUR sexual availability by shifting your attention consistently ELSEWHERE from (before) the moment we ever went to bed together and continued to do so until a few weeks ago?  That you controlled what you were willing and able to bring to bed to interact with me? That you controlled the knowledge of what was REALLY yours, your porning and your masturbating and your emotional/verbal/written foreplay and sexuality with others? Are you INSANE? ? RANT OFF. (edit: not true. rant is not off.) CONTROL IS NOT, NECESSARILY, A BAD WORD. An analogous word is DISCIPLINE. My self-control is why I have a roof over my head: I control myself in relation to money. My discipline is why chores get done, we have food in the fridge, meals get served, paychecks get brought home, special days observed, etc. And, though I feel it doesn't need to be said: my self-control is why I'm not off seducing some other man to give myself the cheap, fake thrill of feeling "validated," "wanted" or "desired." And the MODEL of my self-control inspires and encourages other people in my life to do what is right in their own lives. Just as THEIR MODELS of self control inspire ME. My control, my discipline directs me to HONEST action where the thrills, when they come, are REAL, untinged with shame and guilt and secrecy. And YES, I want that same feeling for EVERYONE in my life: my friends, my neighbor, Little Berry and perhaps, most importantly, Mr. Mayberry. Can I make anyone exert the self-control, the discipline, the honesty to HAVE that feeling? NOPE. But I can (and I must, being who I am and choosing the path I've chosen)...I can and I MUST encourage those I say I love to walk in the light. Period. (And I expect those who say they love me to encourage ME to walk in the light.) I will control the hell (quite literally) OUT of myself. I will encourage those I love to do the same. I have no shame and no guilt about this. NONE. And I will control the hell (quite literally) OUT (as in the door) of those who love me trying to pass off betrayal and infidelity and ill-health as "normal." For all that ranting, above, I am overjoyed, really genuinely overjoyed, that Mr. Mayberry and I are engaging with this board a bit, talking a bit, that Mr. Mayberry has "sworn off" porn and masturbation (and, I assume, sexual interaction and foreplay and by-play with others), that Mr. Mayberry has resisted his urge to verbally blame-shift (and, perhaps now, mentally blame-shift). There are times I have wanted and, perhaps, still do want to scream: Don't you understand how much I love you? I am willing to work, and if NEEDED suffer bravely, through small inconveniences, large soul-testing times, right beside you. Not to make you FEEL BAD about yourself. Not to prove that I'm a better person than you. But to get to the place where YOU feel good about YOURSELF. Where you love yourself honestly. Where I can have the joy of loving you honestly. You are WORTHY of love. Get it in your head. Please. For your sake. For my sake. For the sake of the "US" that is still waiting, ever hopeful, to be born. I am OBVIOUSLY not over my need to rant. |
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 31, 2007 5:58:28 GMT -5
Sounds like you're hitting the anger stage of the grieving cycle. You do a rant with such gentleness, tact and kindness that you're awe-inspiring! The truth is plainly there, but I see no revenge or manipulation attached. I see a lot of hope and caring. You rock - because you're standing on the ROCK!
God bless,
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 31, 2007 17:49:46 GMT -5
{{{{MAYBERRY}}}} I hope you have felt some burdons lifted, from your rant this morning. Truthfully, I! did. And if you are not done ranting, you do it some more. (not for me, I don't mean that!!) But you have spoken for me too, in words I wish I could have found when I was just weeks and months into this. Your insight is awe inspiring, as LU said. Your words help me, I just hope they help you too!! I was on a real rant for QUITE a long time  Oh hell, I can still rant, I won't kid myself. Just keep saying what you feel, kiddo. I am WAY proud of you  |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 2, 2007 5:45:06 GMT -5
It's Thursday, and I have neglected both posting in my journal and, to a large extent, interacting deeply with my Circle. I am very tired this week. I revisit the question posted earlier here from In the Shadows of the Net: "In what ways have we allowed ourselves to become so mutually depleted of spiritual, physical and emotional energy that we have nothing left to give anyone?"And, while I can't say I'm at the "so depleted" stage, I freely admit that I'm pretty ZONKED right now. Mr. Mayberry (who works in a metal box without air conditioning and who is not sleeping well, period) is also showing ZONKEDNESS. There was a brief incident on a thread yesterday where someone who, IMHO, was spouting some of the more hurtful, illogical crap I've seen on the SO side of the board (I'm sure there's worse, I just haven't been around long) decided to use his first post to let "us" know what he thought of "us." I spent some time yesterday morning (after my own early morning "crisis" in real life, written about on the Hearts Circle) mentally deconstructing his logical fallacies, his arrogance, his twisting of Scripture, his demonstrated denial, his blaming, etc. etc. etc. I thought about women on this board who would read what he had written and, likely, hear their PA/SA partners in every word he wrote. And I made a decision to respond, but as minimally as I could. "Go away" to the poster and "I suggest we treat this as if a nutcase had walked into the room and vomited." No, those were not my exact words. But I had no extra energy to clean up the vomit, and to explain to the person who'd vomited in someone else's room why they shouldn't have vomited there in the first place. Which leads me back to examining my own behavior on the board. At this time in my life, there's enough for me to deal with--in myself, and in support of my husband's new and possibly fragile recovery--that it is not wise for me to jump in and exercise my "hero" muscles. I am not a hero. I play a hero, too much, in work, in home life...I've explored a bit here (and a lot more with God, and in conversation with Mr. Mayberry and Ms. NextDoor and others)...but I am not a hero, and right now, until my "heroic" tendencies are in a firmer balance, I need to pull back in all areas relating to this, including here on the boards. For those who can BE heroes at this stage in their lives, for those who have the time, the energy and the balance to do so, I have nothing but admiration. But. I. Am. Not. A. Hero. Today.
Mr. Mayberry honored his word and changed the cell phone bill to paper billing. Good for him. We touched briefly on the picture charge on his phone, and he posited that he didn't know what it was for. I will encourage him to find out. He stated that he'd never sent or received pictures on his phone, and I believe him (a belief bolstered by the fact that he can't figure out, 9 times out of 10, how to save pictures to his phone the few times he's tried at my request to take a picture of something with it). It's curious to note that my logical mind hollers, "That could be a lie!" However, my intuition (yep, that thing I'm listening more closely for) says, "This sounds like the truth. Leave it be." And so, I do.
I had an exhausting day, that saw me out of the house at 8 a.m. and back at almost 9 p.m. It was not the hours, so much, that kicked my butt, but the highly extroverted nature of my day. I had to go to court in the morning in a matter related to some thefts at my place of employment (now resolved except for the sentencing) and my day concluded with me leading two different group activities, one of which was filled with loving people who really wanted to be there for what they were doing, and the second of which was filled with people who had been required to be there and didn't want to be. Despite my rather desperate need for 8 hours of sleep a night (I get up at 5 a.m., so 9 p.m. SHOULD be my bedtime but seems absurd), I was so filled with mental processing and adrenaline bits & bobs in my system that I didn't even try to sleep till 11 p.m. I am TIRED. The house and yards (I am the yard boy here for both our yard and Mrs. NextDoor) are tending toward absolute chaos. I know about myself that orderly yard and house lifts my spirits, but it's a bit of a Catch-22 when I don't have the energy to whip them into shape and their chaos adds to my sense of being, well, a bit overwhelmed.
Little Berry comes up for the weekend Friday night. It literally feels like a day since she left. I am not ready to add a child to my present mix, with all of her needs and her news (she starts middle school today). I love her, and I acknowledge that I'm really not in a rested, good place, nor am I likely to be (though I will try to get there) by the time she gets here.
IMHO there was all sorts of ill-health on display in Mr. M's family this week. Item: his mother has a (severe) problem with money. A relative who has helped rescue her before from debt has stepped in again and rescued her again. Without asking any hard questions. This will lead to further problems, I feel. The relative paid of MIL's house this week. Without asking if there was another loan on the house or the current extent of the credit card debt, etc. A terrific act made with deliberate avoidance of helping MIL be accountable or make any positive changes in her approaches to money. I am just heartsick over this, as the relative is terrific, and I also like my MIL as much as one can like a chronically depressed, now slightly brain-injured human who "cannot" change anything for the good in her life. HEARTSICK. 2. Item: Little Berry starts school this week, and we've had a large number of phone calls with Mrs. ExBerry. While I don't mind talking to her, it really drains Mr. Mayberry. 3. Item: MIL forgets Mr. M's birthday. Entirely. Has a fit when she is told by relative. Mr. Mayberry is warned of this breakdown. Invited to mop up the mess (to his credit, I think he spent very little of his energy doing so). Mr. Mayberry says it doesn't matter. At all. I don't believe this. Not my place to say. 4. Item: Mr. Mayberry's other daughter (Grown Berry). I don't have the energy right now.
In positive news, as I was writing this, received email from Mr. Mayberry about things he feels he or we need to attend to. My pressing issues are not on the list, but he invites comment and, later in the day, I shall comment. I need more sleep.  And, re-reading this a bit, I see that I may be closer to "so depleted" than I initially wished to admit. |
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Post by whoami on Aug 2, 2007 14:48:47 GMT -5
Hi my friend,
I think the HALT theory applies to us SOs too. Try not to get too hungry, too angry, too loney, or TIRED.
The being "whipped" is so awful, I've been struggling with it lately too. And when I get too tired, I easily get angry, squirrelly, spaced out and like you say, just depleted. I hope you can grab some time to catch up on sleep!! And maybe some pampering for yourself, in whatever way you like to do that. You have a lot coming at you...grown Berry sounds like she takes some energy too. Take care of yourself Mayberry. Be good to you too!
I try real hard to stay away from the angering posts or threads, but I still occasionally dive in, usually to no one's good including my own. Just depends on the moods. Sometimes it's hard to stuff opinions you feel strongly about, and it does use up energy....so maybe it's a good thing I'm a little low on energy much of the time! (I did like your analogy about the vomitor in the room, and who should really clean that up!!)
I'm glad how the pictures on the phone turned out. My gut is with yours on this one. Good deal!!
I hope your conversation about what order things need tending to, turned, or will turn out well, with your needs in there too. That is a MAJOR issue at our house. My needs always came last, but he is working on it. BUT IT'S STILL AN ISSUE.
Hoping you make rest and good nutrition a priority and try not to burn that candle at both ends...
XOX
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 2, 2007 15:28:10 GMT -5
WHOAMI: Thanks for the feedback and the advice...I enjoyed reading about your green bean morning elsewhere on the forum. I am engaged in a little creative LAWN MOWING after having come home from work, taken a very brief nap, had a very bad dream (where I was on a train with my first husband and one of his real-life "girlfriends"; my ex was grinning and trying to get me to help drive the other gal off), woke, realized something we need to address in our real lives is bothering me (at the same time it's exciting me), opened a thread on the general discussion board because I realized I need some advice in this area...
It's HOT and HUMID and I must get back outside to mow some more.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 2, 2007 17:34:30 GMT -5
mentally deconstructing his logical fallacies, his arrogance, his twisting of Scripture, his demonstrated denial, his blaming, etc. etc. etc. And that is the blessing of flames. It has the potential of almost forcing us to deconstruct his (and often society's) fallacies and realize that they are untruths. Then when faced with that twisted bizareness (is there such a word) again - we already have an answer to not get bogged down. Historically, I would try to gently point out the error of their logic; then I'd get frustrated and blast them with my truth. Neither worked. I've found if SOs tend to observe, that some well-on-the-road-to-recovery PAs will step in and sheep-dog them back to the other side, point out their stupidity (for lack of better word). Since they are already drowning in PA thoughts - they can't hear us "objects" so I seldom waste my breath any more. It's also opened me up to accept other heroes coming to the rescue who are better fitted for the job of helping PAs see their own addict-speak. I loved your reply; if I'm thinking of the right one - when you said "back to your regular scheduled program." It gave me a chuckle of the gentleness but class you used in your reply.... dismissing his "stupid" opinions without dismissing him as a person entitled to hold "stupid" opinons! I haven't read the direction of that thread since your early-morning reply; however, my guess is (based on histories of other such threads), that he couldn't have heard an SO.... how dare a sex object (isn't that what SO stands for to some men early in PA sobriety/recovery?)... how dare a SO stand up and have an opinion.... especially one that is different then his. I did admire his itsy-bitsy bit of class... he at least didn't do the typical "if you weren't fat, ugly, and lousy in bed - your partner wouldn't need porn".... which is often how a new PAs may post on the SO side. Wes is very good about banning those PAs who continue flaming on the SO side after his warnings. Yay for Mr.M. Yay for Mrs.M. I understand those adreneline bursts that keep you processing and awake. I use to suffer with that. I listened to Joyce Meyer's 4-Tape set "Has Anybody Seen my Mind?" The first tape was about how "reasonings" will stop joy and peace instantaneously - how we get into reasoning, why God isn't the author of that and how to get out of it. I periodically have to re-listen to that first tape because I'll do good on stopping reasonings and then slip and start doing it again. I memorized several chapters of the Psalms - and recite them as I fall asleep. For me, it helps the adreneline taper off, relaxation come and restful sleep. That's how I get to sleep when Mr. LU is downstairs watching television, playing on the computer or whatever until 3 or 4 AM. I still sleep like a log because *I* can't control him, but *I* can control my thinking. That hasn't been an easy skill to start learning but a very healthy one for me. Just tossing out ideas that cross my mind as I read your post: would it be an option for Miss Berry help do the neithbor's yard and your yard this weekend - as a family fun/work event? Based on other step-family's ways of dealing with this. I've known some who work it out with their husband that it will be mostly a daddy-daughter weekend and the step-mom does self care and connects with the other family members as she feels able and willing. After all, you don't have the long-term history that Mr. M has. He's fortunate to have a wife who wants to connect at all. Plus, that way when you do connect with them - your heart is in it so no undercurrent of resentment, tiredness or frustration seeps in to cause Miss Berry to feel rejected. Often just knowing we have the option of stepping back and relaxing - gives us the freedom to connect more. Hopefully in time, Mr. M will discover what is a healthy amount of phone calls and figure out how to cause that to happen. If Mr. M's love language is not gift giving - it really may NOT bother him. I know I'm always sad when my bio-kids don't send me a birthday or Christmas card/e-mail/call/gift - but Mr. LUs bio-sons don't and it really doesn't bother him. I've asked and he says it really doesn't. I really don't think he does care - because he's not THAT good of actor. It doesn't bother him when he forgets my birthday, Valentine's or anniversary - those things just don't cross his mind. Maybe Mr. M is a bit like Mr. LU. Good for you for (1) remembering your issues count; and (2) for him and you communicating the priorities and not just presuming you can read each other's minds. That's great. Father God, please let Mayberry have extra restfull sleep over the next few days. Help her relax her mind so there aren't the bedtime adreneline rushes of "reasonings" but gentle thoughts of love, faith and hope. Help her align her schedule so she's getting the full 8 hours she requires. Amen. LookingUp |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 2, 2007 19:45:29 GMT -5
Amen. And thank you. I'm still going to be scarce for the rest of the day, but I carry both you & Whoami with me in my thoughts and prayers throughout each day now.  |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 3, 2007 4:53:28 GMT -5
Brief check-in, as I want to get to the circle and get caught up a bit there with my sisters! Reminder to self to journal about conversations with Mr. M., good sleep for us both, some things crossed off the to-do list that Mr. M. inspired me to! |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 4, 2007 20:05:35 GMT -5
Item: Mr. Mayberry's begun to reach out (initiate) re: money. He brought up the "when are we going to pay the house off talk" and also initiated sitting down and paying the bills together. I cannot describe how much of a gift this was. I feel like I've been trying to initiate conversations like this since our early days, and like there's been something wrong with me when he cannot/will not engage. I wrote somewhere (probably LookingUp's journal or the Circle) about this at some length. Today, we drafted a plan for the mortgage that, if it is accepted, both meets the goal of paying off the house and one that I feel safe with in a "worse case" scenario. Today, we sat and paid the bills TOGETHER. Today, we talked about a few things that were important to us vis-a-vis money. As this has long been (in actuality or in my perception) a "hands-off" or secretive area, I feel an incredible sense of relief.
Item: On Thursday morning, I believe, Mr. Mayberry sent me a to-do list. Most of the items on the list were "for him", in my viewing of it. I responded with some comments (solicited) and with a to-do list of what was "pressing" on me and what was "on my mind" (less urgent). I am pleased to report that I have most of the "pressing" items knocked out, some with his help, and have made inroads into "on my mind." Listing is a very good technique to keep me out of depression...so I was very grateful for the (inadvertent?) prompt from Mr. Mayberry toward getting myself up and moving.
Item: Despite strong temptation, I have not gone into "hero" mode with Little Berry this weekend, despite many many temptations. I have not gone through her bookbag, taught her how to use her new scheduler, worked on her homework, etc. This is her father's to do, at the least until I find balance in myself on the whole "hero" thing.
Item: I called Nurse Friend to write Chantix for me, in a determination to stop smoking. Since being on this board, since thinking through addiction for the first time, I believe, in my life, I have become increasingly disgusted with this one area of addiction in my life. It's time to stop. I won't die if I stop. I may be uncomfortable, testy, mean, twitchy, more active, smell better, less at risk of oral cancer and lung cancer, but I won't die.
Item: I lost my temper today for the first time in a long time. Absolute ready to throw something lost my temper. It was over fixing dinner. I love to cook; it's one of my "zens". I am a very good cook. I was trying to fix something really outside my culture that Ms. NextDoor makes very well, and that I find very stressful to try to make, and I loused it up thoroughly, got ugly, got mad, got very very quiet, got very physical feeling, walked away, finished it and, in my opinion, made everyone in the household uncomfortable. I realized, in a bit of quiet time after dinner, that I am emotionally VERY RAW, and I need to be careful to keep on an even keel with what I do. It wasn't about dinner, really, when I look at it. It was about feeling ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS and OUT OF CONTROL OF THE PROCESS. Dinner was edible, but--for me--ruined.
Item: I'd really like to be having sex with my husband. And I really cannot have sex with my husband because my husband is not ready to "come clean" with me. I want this disclosure business OVER with. I do not want this dribble/drabbled out in bits and doses. I'm a grown girl. I can handle whatever it is there is to tell. But I want it out and over with, fully accounted for, before we re-start sexual intimacy. That said, I don't even know if the Mr. is ready. But even assuming he IS ready...I still need the truth to come out so we can start anew. The kisses and cuddles are nice, but on some level they are a reminder to me that we're "not there" yet, and--as such--I am finding them terribly frustrating. See long prior journaling on this topic (what it will take for me to go forward on a sexual level with the Mr.).
Item: We delivered the mortgage check and a letter asking Mr. Seller to commit to continued financing of the contract for deed and, without contract emendation, declaring our intent to start making lump-sum annual payments to speed the process to a close by January 2011 (vs. April 2016). I was intensely nervous about all this. On the walk back home, I grabbed Mr. Mayberry and Little Berry's hands and had a moment of prayer asking for God's will to be done, acknowledging that there were outcomes I wanted but didn't know if they were in God's will, and asking to be relieved of my anxiety. The near panic-attack stopped at that point, and I have felt calm thereafter. Here's hoping it holds, or if it does not, and I trigger my own anxiety again, that I remember to stop and pray.
Item: Things are starting to feel a little more real and genuine and human with Mr. Mayberry. All around. The bits and bobs of talking, the finance actions, the dropped comment he made about having "time and interest" in stuff again (guess the online porning swallowed a lot of his get up & go?)...It is starting to feel more genuine, and more "us" oriented. For that I give thanks.
Item: I went to work today and finished the last of three training sessions for others that I did not want to lead, but stepped up and designed and led because the group in charge of doing so had dropped the ball. End of any resentment I may have been carrying about that (I think I ditched that before I started the trainings and after I'd prepped the materials, but I'm not positive). End of the anxiety of leadership, the delicate care and concern, the constant awareness that one's every action and reaction as a leader might enable or inhibit the students to learn from the process. IT IS OVER. Woo-hoo!
Item: I had good sleep Thursday night and decent sleep Friday night. Here's hoping (GREATHORNYTOADS! Look at the time! It's pretty much bed time again!)
And so to bed, I think, after a bit of reading.
Sweet Spirit: I am pretty raw and tender right now. I give thanks for the areas in which you are bolstering me, I give thanks for the strength and the good I've found in my interactions with Mr. Mayberry, I give thanks for the strength I've found in attending to the balance of work and home and friendships this week. I ask that you relieve me of bitterness, anxiety, mistrust and anger; I do not wish to be bitter, anxious, distrustful or angry. Fill me with hope, calm, trust and peace. Amen.
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Post by whoami on Aug 4, 2007 22:31:21 GMT -5
Sweet Friend..I love your prayers, and thank you for them.
You had to work today, on a Saturday? ah oy yuck
I love that things are getting more real and natural with you and the Mr....
And sorry for the tense ness over the tense dinner. I so hear ya, I love to cook and and do it righteously, unless stress gets in the way....ah man, I have been known to throw broiler pans into walls....I do understand!
I understand the Item about sex ,too. I admire your boundary, and encourage you to stick with it. I know how difficult this is....I know, I really do.
I have maybe had too much merlot, but I'm enjoying the CD I gave H on his bday. If God will hold me up, I will share some words...sometime. Soon! I know tonight, there is so much more to life than this...and I thank yous for helping me realize so much.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 5, 2007 5:39:58 GMT -5
Wow. You have the most organized journal I've ever seen, Mayberry. You need to sit down and take a breather woman Kick your shoes off, and just b r e a t h e e e e e. I see alot of positives in your last post. ....the dinner thing, well I had to chuckle. I've done that so many times. It's gotten to the point that now (if I cook when the kids come home), I just get the fire extinguisher, stand back, and see what I can "create" ;D |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 11:47:31 GMT -5
Hopeflows: It's hard having graph paper for brains. Not something I'd wish on anyone! Believe it or not, I don't find it stressful...just have to remind myself (almost constantly) that others are NOT cursed with graph paper for brains. Thanks to both you (Hopeflows) and Whoami for the affirmation that someone else has felt like chucking a pot through the window. |
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 14:06:53 GMT -5
Confession- I had a complete temper tantrum the day I joined this board. I was home alone feeling, mmmmm shattered, I banged my shin on the coffee table and went ballistic. LITERALLY I acted like a 2 year old who was told no you can not have a cookie. Thankfully no one was home to witness my melt down but you know what- I felt real for the first time in ages. I *think* getting angry or upset is one of the first signs of life again for me. It's healthy to get upset or any number of emotions. I won't even begin to tell you about all the meals I've destroyed with my culinary terrorism. That will be a 5 day ramble and I won't have even begun to share with you my inadequacies in the kitchen. Now what was the point of my posting? ?? Oh ya, we've all been there. Feeling raw is so much better than feeling numb. I found your prayer very comforting, I hope you won't mind if I copy and print that prayer for myself? Libby |
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That you controlled what you were willing and able to bring to bed to interact with me? That you controlled the knowledge of what was REALLY yours, your porning and your masturbating and your emotional/verbal/written foreplay and sexuality with others? Are you INSANE?
And, re-reading this a bit, I see that I may be closer to "so depleted" than I initially wished to admit.
