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Post by Mayberry on Jul 16, 2007 6:10:27 GMT -5
"For no one and no one side is the sole repository of Truth. But each of us has a spark of it within. Perhaps, with compassion as our guide, that spark in each of us can become a glow, and then perhaps a light, and we will watch one another in awe as we become illuminated. And then, perhaps, this spark, this glow, this, light will become the enlightening energy of love that will save all of us." Gene Knudsen Hoffman Dear Friend: This is my journal. While it is posted publicly in this forum, I choose to view it as my "safe space" to explore, rant, react, muse, daydream, meander. In short, I am using this space to test my thoughts, to hear myself "think out loud," to refine my thinking through writing and, when as they move me, through the input and feedback of those who choose to read my journal.
If you have something inspiring, helpful or constructive to say, you are welcome to post in my journal. If you have a negative reaction to what I have to say here, if you feel the urge to "correct" me (versus lovingly or gently steering me), please take your reaction to your own journal, or other safe space.
I view the General Boards as public discourses, with all the courtesies a public conversation demands. This journal is my conversation with myself. When referring to other people or threads that inspire musings or reactions or explorations in myself, I will do so without referring to them by username, unless we are engaged in an obvious conversation within the pages of my journal.
Similarly, my posts in the Accountability Circle to which I belong are also private conversations conducted in a public realm...the people who post there have agreed to a common set of standards, and it is a safe space for me to speak within those standards.
Thank you for visiting, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas on this thread and others within the no-porn forum. Thank you for treating me with respect and care. You may expect respect and care from me in return.
Jinn Going out on a limb here and thinking that journaling in this supportive environment is something I need to do for a time. Very grateful for the guidance and advice that I found here yesterday; there's something wonderful in crying out and having two women who've been there write back so immediately. lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=Partners&thread=1184506176&page=1Long talk with Mr. Mayberry last night. I managed to shut up enough to let him talk for a while. Found myself torn between telling him what I have learned in my short time on these boards and encouraging him to find his own way. He must find his own way in this...what a delicate balance between supporting someone and trying to "fix" them. I have trouble in this area, and this is something I'm going to have to wrestle with. He has voiced his decision to not look at p*rn and points to the Covenant Eyes site as proof of that decision. He has voiced an interest in abstaining from MB as well because "it opens the door to temptation to look at p*rn." I am glad we talked because I think he has spent the last week or so believing that is all it takes: he just needs to stop and all will be well. I did not resist trying to explain, as I understood it, the difference between abstaining from the addicting substance and recovering...understanding the WHYS of the addiction...where it comes from, what triggers it, what "needs" it meets. I hope that he explores this area.... I confess myself completely clueless as to what I need to do to be healthy in this. I find myself counting myself fortunate that I've had some experience with boundary setting with my mother and with my first husband...both of whom had (have) untreated mental illness. I find myself looking with some horror at the long roads I had to take, and the vast amount of floundering about I did "en route", to get to the simplest of boundaries. I have communicated as clearly as I can that I will not countenance ANY sexualized activity outside of our marriage bed. No p*rn, no MB that involves fantasy life, no phone calls (or, God forbid, meetings with) other women. Deal with me, please, just me. I do NOT know what I will do should Mr. Mayberry (again) choose to dishonor me (and himself) in these areas. I feel like I SHOULD know what I will do, but I do not. I have communicated that, from what I have read, a period of abstinence between us is also wise. I need to understand more of the science of addiction, or this addiction. If there is a physiological "re-setting" of his neurobiology that will happen through abstinence, I wish that for us. I would like to get in bed with Mr. Mayberry when he is "clean", both morally and physically, and see what happens. I also think that I need some "re-set" time myself; our marriage is young, and strewn, for me (and I suspect for him) with the psychological and physiological fall-out of dealing with his sexual energies being largely devoted to stimuli that are NOT me&him in bed together. I need to be brave about having my own voice in this. Human sexuality, for all the see-all, show-all, everywhere-everything-is-sexualized to sell something culture, is a private matter on some levels. What makes us tick, what turns us on or off. There is a tremendously strong feeling in me that it's okay (or respectful, or preferable) to not have to know everything about what's going on (or not going on) inside him. At the same time, as someone who has stumbled upon (or been invited to discover) this area of my sexual partner's life, there's this tremendously strong urge in me to have him tell me "everything" about himself, how he's ticking, why, what he's doing about it. And I don't think he has MUCH clue about the "whys and wherefores" of this in his own life. That's going to be another delicate area of balance. There are other areas in which I think I will have less trouble finding my voice, and I again bless past experience and learning my way past some of the thinking patterns established in my youth. As we were going to sleep last night, he said (exploring changes he thought he might make in his life to promote his own health) that he would sell his motorcycle because he would not be able to use it for road trips (which he has not, by the way, actually taken). I asked him to tell me more about this, and he said then I wouldn't have to be suspicious or wonder about where he was or what he was up to. I found myself quite easily telling him that he needed to not do my thinking for me; that I was the one responsible for my own feelings and reactions to things, and if I found myself having a reaction to a potential road trip, why, it was MY responsibility to bring that up and to deal with that with him. And he was boggled by my response, though perhaps my further explanation helped him. I don't know. Goodness knows, I don't want him to shut down all-that-gives-him-pleasure (or the potential of pleasure) in his life to cater to his notion of what might "raise questions" in me. Of course, in this vulnerable time, his bringing up selling the motorcycle (as I'd never viewed this as a potential area of temptation for him before) raised the question in me, "Is this an area of temptation for you? Because I'd never touched down on it." I have not asked that question. What a curious land this is, indeed. Mostly, I think I very much need to focus on the quality of my life, and our practical lives, and not let this be the center of my universe. While "it" certainly has a dreadful fall-out on his and on my quality of life together, I do not wish his, or my, or the potential "our" of our life together to be defined by "Mr. Mayberry's got a problem." Another delicate balancing act. But to that point, I need to get get ready and go to work and give my work the attention that it deserves.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 16, 2007 6:37:22 GMT -5
I've been dealing with this for several years and through all three marriages (34 years total). I still don't know for sure what consequences I have for my new boundaries. I have a few things I do: in-house separation, $$ for books.... but I didn't leave the other marriages until physical adultery and although I've told my husband I'll kick him out if he porns again - I don't know if I'd follow through. The Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography Restructuring Brain, Mind & Memory & Subverting Freedom of Speech online book by Judith Reisman; www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/brain.pdf This explains the chemical addiction to porn. I'm clueless why a person, especially a professional in the field of porn/sex addiction, would do this but she's put some photos of porn in this report. Apparently she didn't think we'd figure it out without her help. Warning: there are potential triggers here. Wow! I'm impressed! From many things you've said in this post - you are light years ahead of where I (and many others) are when we land here. You realize he has to do the work and find his own path. You understand boundaries. You recognize your strengths and weaknesses that will/may come into play during his recovery! I'm going to enjoy reading your journal. LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 16, 2007 21:08:12 GMT -5
Dear Looking Up: Thank you, particularly for the "steer" toward the article by Reisman. I will ponder whether I wish to look at it (thanks for the warning...at this stage, I think I will RALPH if I see p*rn of any sort, for any reason...so it may need to wait for a later day when I'm a bit more blase). Thank you, additionally, for admitting that you don't know the consequences you'd exert for your H breaking your boundaries. It's a funny thing to say to you, I suppose, but validation is a lovely balm/potion/healing elixir for that awful, isolated feeling: in short, so GOOD not to be alone in the journey. I am holding you in my prayers tonight, and also praying for your husband. Jinn
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 16, 2007 21:25:22 GMT -5
1. I had this board to turn to this morning, and I found strength for myself in the voices that had posted, and I found I had something to offer someone else here, and my day started well. That was a gift.
2. I was able to fully focus on my work for the majority of the day. I did not feel like I was "stealing" from my responsibilities to dwell in darkness or depression. That was huge, and a gift.
3. My dear husband sent me an email from work and said, "For what it's worth, I don't seem to be having any temptation issues this morning and it's a welcome thing. Perhaps the bike ride helped? I don't know but I'm willing to try anything non-destructive at this point." It was like receiving a gift from him; in fact, it WAS a gift from him. He voluntarily raised this topic with me and I found myself full of compassion for him, and felt that it would have been okay if he'd said, "I spent all morning wrestling with temptation." The gift was in the voluntary sharing of WHERE he was at the moment and it was better than a delivery of home-grown tomatoes! (And that's saying something, in my book!)
4. Mr. Mayberry and I cheerfully prepared a meal for our friend and neighbor. It was relaxed, it was good, it was human, it was other-focused and I know it did her good, and I know it did me good (and I hope it did Mr. Mayberry some good). That was a gift.
5. My oldest cat is suffering, looks like she's on the way out, but I nursed her as I could, and embraced the real possibility of her death, and I was a little sad, but not devastated by it, or even unwilling to see her go (she's down to one tooth). I found myself accepting whatever will be with her, and--I hope--this is a sign of some inner willingness to accept whatever will be in my future with Mr. Mayberry. That was a gift.
6. I felt no revulsion toward Mr. Mayberry today, and no anger, not even a whiff. And no anger and revulsion toward myself for being a fool to love him. Woo-hoo! I think this is the first day since the "D-Day" of two weeks ago or so when I have not been intensely angry or filled with revulsion for him or myself at some point during the day. That was a gift.
7. I feel like I've gained more knowledge and more validation and more sanity from this board in 48 hours than humanly deserved, and that is a gift.
I am going to give myself the gift of a "regular time" bedtime tonight. Last night, we stayed up (too?) late talking, and rose early, and I think part of our health needs be a focus on actually taking care of ourselves.
Over & out for the night, I think.
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 17, 2007 6:15:04 GMT -5
I spent some time reading others' posts and journalings this morning, and I found strength there. One thread caught my eye and, while I have no way of knowing if her emotions and feelings are anything like my own inside, it really got me thinking because it touched down on something I realized inside myself about myself several days ago and, in fact, mentioned to my dear husband the other night when we stayed up and talked. (I refrained from my initial impulse to "jump in" and add my 2 cents worth to the thread, because--as good as it was for me to read her thread--there are signals in there from her that my reaction to reading her situation is nothing like her LIVING of HER situation and I don't want to wound.) But MY realization is this: I am going to have to be extraordinarily careful to fight ESCAPING into thoughts (and God forbid, ACTIONS) of "What would it be like to NOT be dealing with my husband with PA?". And I specifically mean: what would it be like to be with someone I have been with before (and I don't mean anyone specific, just anyone from my past with whom I have not had this problem). I mention this because I woke from a very unpleasant dream about my ex-husband, with whom I have no contact, but whom I still care about and love, at least in the abstract way one can care about and love someone one has no contact with. And in the dream, he was (as he was in real life in our time together) pursuing someone else while keeping me around on a string, and in the dream, I was (as I was in real life in our time together) struggling to draw him back to connection with me. And so my first thought upon waking at 5:30 a.m. were thoughts of "Oh no, I hope my dreams about the ex are not serving as a mirror of how I am feeling NOW, now in my life with Mr. Mayberry. Am I really feeling as helpless and as spurned and as unattractive as I did when my former husband was committing adultery and flaunting it and setting up situations so I could find him in adultery? " And the answer, I am afraid, is: YES, I have spent a lot of time in my present marriage feeling ugly and helpless and spurned since the "discovery" of Mr. Mayberry's relationship with porn and, by phone and email, with a former girlfriend. YES INDEED, I have. I do. And I hate feeling that way. I spent my childhood feeling weird: I was too smart, too bookish, too tall, too skinny, too this, too that. It was an incredible time in my life when I realized that I was highly attractive to other people, both as a friend and as a partner. I felt powerful (and acted out for some time in negative ways with that newfound "power"). I felt desirable. I felt wanted. And, after a childhood of feeling powerless, and unwanted, and rejected, it was GREAT. You know, theoretically, there's nothing wrong with that set of feelings, as long as one does not act in wrong ways in response. There's nothing wrong with that set of feelings as long as one is not prideful, or a jerk (and I spent some time in both those places before finding some balance inside). And, while I know quite well that I am not everyone's cup of tea, it sure is a nice feeling, a good feeling, a necessary feeling to know that one's partner finds one VERY MUCH to his liking. But when one's partner seemingly rejects one, I find--and I speak only for myself--a very UNHEALTHY set of feelings rising up. And they are not mystical and "deep". They are very human feelings and, for me, can veer all the way to the childish. I want to STOP feeling undesirable, rejected, unwanted. RIGHT NOW! (That's the childish part.) So when I read this morning about an SO who was taking pleasure in visits from a former flame, and I read about her good feelings about herself, I imagined myself in that situation and I imagined how VERY GOOD INDEED it would feel to spend an hour or two with someone who treated me with a mix of admiration and courtliness and the subtext or undercurrent of "Here's someone who once desired me and he desires my company still" and I really FELT for this woman on the boards. And I feel no condemnation for her. Depending on the context in my own life, I can see how I would have met the old flame, had a great time, enjoyed feeling GOOD about myself, come back to my marriage stronger and happier and with more internal strength to deal with what is--let's face it--a rather trying situation that tends to leave the SO feeling, well, rather depressed! So I understood her on some level that spoke very deeply to where I am right now. And her choices are her choices, and it was good to know that she agonized over the rightness of her choice, made a choice, acted on that choice and felt it was a good choice for her. I'd be happy to say the same, when such a choice for validation came my way. And all of that said, I realized I must personally be VERY VERY CAREFUL about the ways in which I seek such validation right now in my life. YES, I want to feel good about myself as a woman. YES, I want to feel wanted and smart and both sexually and emotionally desirable. YES, I don't feel very much of any of those things RIGHT NOW with Mr. Mayberry. But it's Mr. Mayberry I am with, and it's Mr. Mayberry that I WANT to be with, if it can be healthy for him and for me, and I need to make sure my thoughts and actions do not do ANYTHING to hinder my walk with Mr. Mayberry. I am ashamed to admit it, but one of my first thoughts after the shock and nausea wore off the last "D-Day" was to call a fellow and indulge in the pleasure of knowing that he still found me the paragon of all that is desirable in a woman. I DID NOT ACT on this thought, and I had a wave of self-revulsion that I don't think I can capture in words IMMEDIATELY upon having the thought and, if one can RUN from a thought, that is exactly what I did. (Let me touch down here for a moment on what a CRUEL and DISGUSTING thought it was, for the fellow I thought of calling (how dare I think of using another human in such an unhealthy way), for my husband (because I deeply believe seeking sexual validation outside of marriage is wrong, wrong, wrong), for myself (what a MORON and HYPOCRITE I would be to break my marriage covenant in any way).) Yep. It was a knee-jerk moment, an ugly moment, a sinful moment. And I very truly hope that I will gladly accept the ugliness I feel, the rejection I feel, the unwantedness I feel at present rather than DELIBERATELY choose to put myself in any situation where I could feel uglier very quickly after the "high" of "Hey, I AM still desirable, SO THERE!" wore off. What strange creatures we are. What a strange creature I am. **** In other news, the aging cat made it through the night, and I must go squirt water down her throat, and medicine, and try to tempt her to eat before I go an apply myself to my work. And I'm stating my intention, again--as I did yesterday, to be focused on my work today while I am at work, and not on self-pity, or moroseness, or depression, etc. etc. etc. Over & out.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 17, 2007 9:09:33 GMT -5
I love your 7 positive blessings. It was a good reminder to me to count my blessings and not my disappointments. Thank you for your posts - it really encouraged me.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 17, 2007 10:54:14 GMT -5
Thanks, LookingUp. I want you to know that snuck over and read your journal, but have not the time to post as I spent my coffee-break (so to speak) on what I am going to quote below from my first thread here on the boards. (I am quoting it so that it can be "in" my journal and I can re-examine it later in light of my journaling). LookingUp: Please DO count as blessing for yourself today that you have blessed someone else; I am witness that you have blessed me today with what you have shared in your journal. More later. Jinn **** Quote from thread follows: Rosie: I appreciate the care and concern that I believe motivates you to remind me that Mr. Mayberry is an addict and that, as someone who loves an addict, I am getting hurt. I am VERY much aware of that. I am also aware of the danger I am in of making prideful and foolish mistakes at this vulnerable point in my life (I am writing about this in my journal a bit; and do not want to repeat myself in this thread). What follows is NOT directed at you, Rosie, but me "grappling" with some of the thoughts you have raised. Thanks again and may God continue to bless you. Jinn **** It is not a mistake, most usually, to trust someone. It is beyond our control whether they betray that trust or not. When I talk about being a holy fool, I talk about my refusal to take a dim view of humanity, period. I'm GOING to be betrayed. But the simple fact is, I am also going to betray others' trust in me. I have before, and I will again. It is part of the RISK I take when I love my neighbor, my husband, my friend, my co-workers...ANYONE and ANYTIME I love. The betrayal can come in many forms and fashions. SA is certainly one of them, but not the only one. While I am very aware of gaslighting, blameshifting and outright lying, I am viewing it as positive growth if Mr. Mayberry 1) realizes he has a problem, 2) stops acting out, 3) understands WHY he has done what he has done and the ABYSS that such addictive behavior surely is attempting (and failing) to bridge, 4) understands how to keep himself sober and HEAL with the RIGHT stuff whatever abyss exists and, as he can 5) shares his journey/recovery honestly with me and 6) treats me in ALL areas with love, respect, concern, caring, etc. There may be more. I was a little put-off by Rosies' statement "you will find that your compassion....will start to turn as he continues this...." and some of what she shared after that. It felt defeatest, I heard it in a way she could not have meant, "Oh, chickie, you feel compassion now, but wait till you've put yourself in this prison for years and years. 'Cause rest assured, he is SO not going to be sober, and he is SO not going to recover." Silly, isn't it, the subtext I read into things. I hear one of many potential futures in what she really did write to me (as opposed to how I reacted to what she wrote). But my reaction is neither here nor there, nor do I wish to discount Rosie's journey and the pain and wisdom that seven years of Rosie's experience has brought her. And, as I wrote to her above, I value the care and concern that her act of writing to me represents. I do wish to be very careful about neither EXCUSING Mr. Mayberry's addiction AND its effects on me and him and "us" NOR VILIFYING Mr. Mayberry. I would like to understand Mr. Mayberry, and that is a condition that has existed long before SA came into play, and that is a condition that is true with all those I love. I wish to understand the people I love. Does that love make excuses that are "denial based" from time to time. You betcha. (Having had many people love me at points where I was pretty much a waste of skin, I can say "thank goodness for grace." Of course, that would lead me to a discussion of the differences between grace & denial, but I am on "coffeebreak" right now and don't have the time! So, holy fooldom: I have, for many years and in many situations, been trying to extend love, compassion, willingness to understand, grace, etc. to all sorts of folks around me because I have lived these miracles on the receiving end and I understand what it means to be loved, cared for, understood, forgiven, given grace. And I'm not going to stop that journey because my husband has a very ugly addiction. Not even toward HIM. I may take this or that or every step to keep myself safe, but I still love him, I still care about him, I still feel compassion for him and I still love me, and care about me, and feel compassion for myself in the midst of anger and frustration and repugnance with my behaviors in life that are anti-love and anti-trust, and also with his behaviors in life that are anti-love and anti-trust. But I MUST NOT VILIFY because, at some level, in some area, we are ALL villians in someone else's story. I was REALLY REALLY struck by what Curious Voyager wrote in this thread: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1184261967&page=3#1184610617And may God preserve me and may I preserve myself from being "taken in." And may God preserve me and may I preserve myself from the sin of pride and/or fear that keeps me too mired in selfish hurts to do the hard work of loving others, as well as myself. *** I think I will close my involvement with this thread that I have started, because I realize much of what I have written I wish to be part of what I'm exploring in my OWN recovery from this in my "journal space" here on the boards. Thanks to EVERYONE who reached out to the brand-new-bie and responded to this first thread of mine. Jinn
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 17, 2007 11:02:08 GMT -5
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 18, 2007 5:31:47 GMT -5
Yesterday was a hard day for me at work; found myself drifting in and out of focus, distracted by this "stuff." A nice trip to the library in the evening with Mr. Mayberry, where I checked out two books (the two available, it seemed). Looking at "In the Shadow of the Net" and have decided my morning's complete "devotion" to this issue will be the "Cybersex Codependency Inventory" found in the "Family Dynamics" chapter.
1. I constantly think or obsess about my partner's cybersex behaviors and motives. YES, right now I sure seem to. Especially MOTIVES right now.
2. I engage in self-destructive behaviors (physically, sexually, emotionally). Hmmm. YES, as I smoke, and my smoking is self-destrutive, and my smoking is UP.
3. I check my partner's e-mail accounts, computer files, disks, and the like for evidence of sexual material. Hmmm. This one's hard. Since the last D-Day I have not checked, but then again, with Covenant Eyes installed, I will be looking (I suppose) at his history. I'm going to leave this one alone for the moment, as I've not been "tempted" to play detective. No answer.
4. I blame myself for all the problems related to my partner's sexual use of the Internet. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
5. I believe that if I changed, my partner would stop acting out sexually on the Internet. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
6. I feel shame as a result of my behavior or my partner's behavior related to cybersex. No.
7. I feel anxiety as a result of my behavior or my partner's behavior related to cybersex. YEP, that one speaks to me. YES.
8. I use my own sexuality as a way to manipulate my partner. I don't believe so, though I had to pause a bit as "we're" not having sex in a kind of drying out period. But I don't think this is manipulation. I think this is like not joining an alcoholic in drinking when he's coming off alcohol, perhaps? It's a rather awkward analogy, and now that I've typed it, doesn't work for me. I still think the answer to this one is NO.
9. I feel numb to my own sexual needs and wants. To my surprise, this is a YES. I have shut down, at present, my own sexuality to a strong degree. Goodbye libido. Hello numbness.
10. I accept my partner's norms as my own. As I don't really understand this question, but I do feel free to disagree (and mostly say so) with Mr. Mayberry, I think this is a NO.
Well, that's 5 out of 10 as "yes". Moving along.
11. I find myself doing sexual things I don't want to. Well, I HAVE done sexual things I didn't want to, or that did not appeal to me at all, with Mr. Mayberry. I have also stopped sexual things I didn't want to do, or that turned me off, with Mr. Mayberry. [trigger]Since the first d-day, I have discovered that I really HATE him "decorating me" with ejaculate. WAY too porn star for me and I also find it off-putting.[/trigger] So, at present, a NO, but with weaknesses.
12. I am overly sexual to satisfy my partner. No. I actually feel like I've been UNDERLY sexual with my partner.
13. I take responsibility for my partner's cybersex behaviors and their consequences. No. I don't think so.
14. I keep secrets to protect my partner. This is a curious one. I feel like I am keeping a HUGE secret in not talking about this openly. I am not ashamed of this, but I am aware of Mr. Mayberry's shame. Which is a form of protecting him. And I am keeping this secret from the child. And, when child is present, can't really talk about it with him, etc. So I'm going to answer YES to this one because I think if it escalated, I would be inclined to help him salvage himself.
15. I rarely feel intimate during sexual encounters with my partner. OH BUDDY. This is a big, easy YES. Used to feel intimate, do not feel intimate, mostly, now. YES, YES, YES.
16. I lie to cover up for my partner. Nope. Not yet. But see #14.
17. I totally deny that there are any problems with cybersex. Nope. That would not be my condition. We got problems, right here in river city. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for p*rn.
18. I always seem to be in the middle of a crisis or problem. Since Mr. Mayberry moved in, the answer has been YES.
19. I threaten to leave my partner, but never follow through. No.
20. I am giving up my own life goals, hobbies, and interests as a result of my partner's cybersex. I don't know the answer to this one, but I fear a trend or a leaning in that direction. I no longer go out to listen to music because Mr. Mayberry seems to never have a good time. Since he has moved in, and various crises have "arisen", I have found it very difficult to give my work the attention it needs. My "balance" with friends, work and house has slipped. So, alas, while I disagree with giving up, I sure feel this area is under threat in my life.
That's a new total of 9 out of 20. Moving along.
21. I have changed my dress and appearance to accommodate my partner's wishes. Nope. My partner has not expressed wishes in this area. But I've noticed since D-Days I have wanted to dress in a more provocative fashion (haven't really done so, just had that "look at ME" urge).
22. I believe I can eventually change my partner. Nope. But I sure hope he can change himself.
23. I play martyr, hero or victim roles. I don't think so. I have been SORELY TEMPTED toward hero: here I come with the information and resources and tips to save you from yourself. But I have been deliberately backing away from this role every time I offer it to myself. So, for NOW, NO.
24. My life seems increasingly unmanageable. Yes, to some degree, it does.
25. I go against my own morals, values, and beliefs. No, I am not aware that I have.
26. I deny my intuitions. Hmmm. Yes. I have denied intuitions about this. When I first noticed a shift in his behavior toward me. When I found out various things about his behavior during our courtship that he still has not admitted to during those "anything else you gonna tell me to get it in the open" sessions of the past. When I started having problems with our internet connection and waited a week to go to his side of the set-up and fix it, only to discover the viruses he brings home from his internet p*rning and a new load of p*rn crap in his hard drive. YES.
27. I am feeling more and more unworthy as a person. YES.
28. I shut down sexually from my partner as a result of his or her use of cybersex. YES.
29. I am obsessed with learning more about cybersex through the media, the internet, and so on. Well, I'm reading this book and posting in this forum. It doesn't hit obsession, but I'll give this a YES.
30. I am considering engaging in cybersex as a way to make my partner understand my feelings. No. See my post from yesterday morning. I have had some "revenge" thoughts here and there, but this is just not really my style.
I'm up to 14 out of 30.
31. I have fantasies about getting revenge on my partner and his or her online friends. No. See #30.
32. I am in competition with the computer for my partner's time and attention. YES. So is the child. Daddy/Mr. Mayberry has spent an incredible amount of time with the computer. Far more than he spends with his child, and often more than he spends in interaction with me. Do I actually try to compete? NO.
33. I am irritable with others when I think about my partner's cybersex use. I have been once or twice. Mainly irritable with the child when I felt the adults needed to talk about this and she was present and would not be diverted to visit a friend, or stay out of earshot. So, mostly not, but I have found a time or two when I was. So we'll give that a YES.
34. I neglect important areas of my life because of my partner's cybersex. Well, I answered this in 20. With the "giving up" question. I rather think I am more at the "neglect" stage than the giving up stage, but I'll say YES, again.
17 out of 34. That's 50/50.
35. I am a cybersex codependent. Well, I'm taking this quiz. The authors say a score of 18 or more indicates that you might be at risk for codependency issues (which, I think, is a nice way of saying, "OH MY, you are codependent!!!!").
So, it looks to me that I'm at risk. I answered several of these questions with a qualified yes, thinking more about my risk factors to become codependent with this, than my actual standard behavior at present.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 18, 2007 6:48:17 GMT -5
I love your honesty and willingness to view things from various angles. You rock!
#20 - that would be a hard one to answer because your marriage is new. Of course a new marriage is going to shift the focus of your life somewhat as you blend as a couple.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 19, 2007 4:52:03 GMT -5
Thanks, LookingUp. Nice to hear "You rock!" #20: We've had a surprising number of crises in the past year. I understand your new marriage comment, but I am somewhat awed by the level to which I've neglected MY balance...and then I look at the nature of these crises, and am just disappointed in the ways in which I've neglected my balance (but not particularly surprised). I hope that you have a great day! Jinn
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 19, 2007 5:01:17 GMT -5
Okay, so it wasn't a whole day. After I started a new thread on here (which I'll go visit in a bit), I took my eldest cat, who has been declining, to the vet, and the news was very bad. I brought her back home, having helped her to die, and buried her. I spent the rest of the day as far from the computer as I could get, and still maintain contact with work. (My job allows me to work at home when I need or want to.)
I did some things to restore a sense of connectedness with the house and yard. In the evening, I called Mr. Mayberry's ex (the child's mother) and chatted. This is a relationship I've been working to help heal; we had an ugly custody dispute last year, which ended well, but there was a need to make peace between the families for the child's sake, and we have been working on that. I really enjoyed hearing Mrs. Ex-Mayberry's voice and we had a nice conversation. Mr. Mayberry spoke with her and they decided to extend the child's time with us another week and a half. Mr. Mayberry informed me of this when he got off the phone. I was very surprised, as I had arranged most-if-not-all childcare for the summer, and--where I could not find summer programs, camps, etc.--had taken the child to work with me, which does not help my focus at work, which I have identified as something in my life that has slipped.
So, I pretty calmly said, "What are you going to do about childcare?", offered a few suggestions for people that might be able to watch the child, and explained that, though it pained me to say it, I could not arrange this "surprise" week and a half of care for the child.
This is very unlike how I've been acting. Every crisis that has come up related to Mr. Mayberry's life, I feel that I've jumped right in to HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY mode. This is not healthy, for me or for Mr. Mayberry (and, really, not even for the child).
So I was proud of myself. I felt like I handled the "surprise" in a calm, helpful way, without violating my needs. While I am somewhat anxious about what Mr. Mayberry's going to do to solve the new problem, I am relatively peaceful inside.
This is good.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 19, 2007 11:01:53 GMT -5
Wonderful self-care; wonderful way to help Mr. Mayberry step up to plate and parent his own child... what a great gift to give the child - a parent who has to parent! Good for you. Glad you're peaceful inside about the outcome.
I think it's great you're reaching out to the bio-mom for the good of all. What a lucky child to get your for a step-mom!
I tried to think of myself as the "guide on the side" and not the "sage on the stage" as a step-mom. It was so hard to detach when I thought my husband was parenting in ways that weren't healthy... or even humane or moral! But we got through it and I learned a lot about boundaries, detaching and self care... it was the stepping stone to coping with his drinking days and then his PA. Oh, my we've been through so much in almost our 9 years of marriage -- but I love him more now then I did in the beginning. Must be God working through me, can't be me and my innate selfishness!
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 19, 2007 18:22:15 GMT -5
LookingUp: Thank you for the validation, and EVEN MORE for the "guide on the side" vs. "sage on the stage" language!!!!! I needed that!!!!! Having no children of my own, I think one of my weakness is to attempt to be the "sage on the stage." Heck, to be realistic, I'm a SOCIAL WORKER and I have been a professional "guide on the side" and "sage on the stage" for most of my working life! I need to find BALANCE in this area, and HOW. Your language is my new mantra for co-parenting our child...to be there, to be available, to be a good guide that allows the child (and her bio-parent) to be in good relationship and not to prima donna my wise self into solving everyone's problems for them and DENYING them the opportunity to grow themselves and to deepen their relationship with each other.
Thank you! A thousand thank you's! Jinn
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 19, 2007 18:38:53 GMT -5
I spent several years on a step-parent board learning I didn't have to be a sage. What a learning experience. I went kicking and screaming and feeling demoted when I finally decided to fill an aunt-type role in my step-kids' lives. But it helped my husband and kids eventually respect me and two of his three kids and I have a great, loving, bonded relationship now. I think had I not demoted myself that we'd still be struggling and I'd be seen as the usurper. Well, in hind-sight, maybe that was a promotion - I could start doing what I enjoyed doing for them and ignoring the yucky parts of parenting. There's some interesting articles about being a step-parent on this forum: www.steptogether.org/essays.html = especially the disengaging essay.
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