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Post by Mayberry on Dec 20, 2007 14:48:50 GMT -5
I am pleased (is that the right word) to say that I was able to confess this to Mr. Mayberry. How things change....He received the info in good spirits, said he understood, forgave me when I asked for it (though saying he didn't think his forgiveness was needed). Heal me, Lord. I am willing. That may be my new catch-phrase.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 21, 2007 6:24:59 GMT -5
Heal me, Lord. I am willing. Accountability Inventory, a mix of Wednesday & Thursday, 19 & 20 December 2007 Devotionals | Morning Prayer | Yes. | Evening Prayer | Yes. | Prayed over prayer thread on board | Yes. | Prayer before meals | Yes on Wednesday. On Thursday, due to the wild day, we ate in little snacking bouts throughout the day. I prayed alone with first snack, but forgot with second. Odd for me. | Reading recovery literature, Bible or other inspirational reading | Reading from the Psalms both mornings. | Read/Post in Forum | Some reading/praying/posting on Wednesday and very little reading Thursday, though a fair amount of prayer for the board and some service to the new board. It felt good to be able to do something to be useful. I'm very aware of the fact that this board may have very well saved my marriage, and it feels good to give something back. | Listening for the still, small voice | As I recall, I was very peaceful Wednesday and "in tune." During the crisis yesterday, I was in "high listening" mode, attuned, as I often am in crisis, to everything. After my husband was home, safe, I was exhausted. | Areas of Attitude, Action & Balance | Awareness of intuition | Three items:
1. Thursday morning, my husband felt "off" to me. I followed my intuition; asked him about it. He left the house, and then came back inside and "spilled" a bit about his stressors. He has been sleeping poorly, and, I believe, it's because he is very stressed out. Work. The transition with Little Berry. Christmas. My old truck and lousy old computer. It was very unusual behavior for him to come back inside and "share." It felt very positive.
2. I related, briefly, how my intuition then proved, some 5 minutes later, to be profoundly off. He called, hung up on me. I combined "he's stressed out" with "the SOB is calling someone at 6 a.m.? Must be his girlfriend!" I was very wrong.
3. I should have followed my intuition to take a nap much earlier in the day yesterday than I did. | Mighty Mouse | Mighty Mouse not on the scene, even when crisis opened a door to a room (crisis) that Mighty Mouse adores. | Paranoid, Anxious Mouse | Oh, Pam had quite the day yesterday. Did you know that Mr. M's car crash is my fault? I didn't, and Mr. M didn't, but PAM did! If I hadn't asked him what was stressing him, he wouldn't have come back into the house yesterday morning and thus would have avoided the accident. She had a lot to say about how I reacted to the hang-up call from Mr. M too. I killed her off by confessing both to Mr. M, who laughed. Screw you, PAM! She resurfaced to try to panic and fret about how losing Mr. M's car is going to mess up the holidays. I told her that it wasn't, really, our problem. We'd be driving the truck, as we always do. I did tell her I understood that she was stressed about the holidays, but it was really no big deal. Christmas Day would come and go and our family would be okay. She reminded me about the house situation; I told her we had help in the wings, and it would be okay. Late in the day, not to be fully discouraged, she did an anxious and critical review of the Christmas Dinner invite list. The family had invited about 25 folks for dinner here, and RSVP day was yesterday. No one RSVP'd in the affirmative, including Mr. M's older daughter and mother. I told her things would be a lot less stressful with only the immediate family to cook for and, that given the extra duties Mr. M's accident would likely entail, we could count ourselves glad to just have the four of us (Mr & Mrs & Little Berry & neighbor A.) for dinner. | Anger, fearfulness or resentment? Depression, self-pity? Other attitudes that hinder healing? | Some strange mix of bad attitudes here and there throughout the day, many previously documented above. Had to actively fight some resentment later in the day that Mr. M had wrecked the "nice car", the "not paid off" car. Went into prayer over that by giving thanks for his life. Met every invitation to fret about the accident with confession/SPEAKING to my wrongness. Telling Mr. M about my reaction to the phone call helped. Telling Mr. M about the guilt over him coming back inside helped. Telling Mr. M that I was only going to say it once, but, in general, I have always thought he followed other cars too closely to avoid an accident helped, and I was able to hear him say there was no way he might have averted becoming part of the pile-up and, even, "hear" it to the level of accepting it. I need to speak to Mr. M about Christmas, I just realized.
We are doing so much better, both of us, telling truths. I can see that is harder for Mr. M. Wednesday morning, he came in to talk about going hunting Saturday morning. We realized, through brief conversation, that I was reacting in ways that discouraged him and led him to "shut that conversation down" before it had started. I was able to tell him simply that I just need more info (like DAY, TIMES) in order to be able to really be part of the conversation. He seemed to hear this, and admit that he doesn't really know how to make plans with a partner. I reiterated what I needed to know to react with something other than a blank stare (which shuts him down; I suppose he expects to be "told no", but that's not the land I'm operating from...German Girl just wants details, she does NOT want to give permission or be the parent figure in any way, saying "yes" or "no" to someone else's desires. This is progress for us. | Balance in life | Wednesday felt moderately good; Thursday's balance didn't exist. | Healthy support of recovery for self & husband | See above (learning to talk and plan together). I will reflect more on these trends in communication, I suspect, in weeks to come. Seems to be a growth area for us (as in, we are both growing, and still need to grow). | Acts to combat complacency in healing | None, really, or none that are easy for me to quantify. I continue to wage a battle to not give in to panic, anger or stasis. The battle is going well so far this week, even with my failures (I am learning things) and I give thanks. |
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 24, 2007 6:29:55 GMT -5
I give thanks for this old board and this old journal...both of which, with the help of loving strangers who have become friends, helped me both survive and begin to live again inside. My journal has moved to the new board: npsupport.net/community/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=24Updated to add on 24 Oct 2020: I continue to be grateful for this board and this old journal, as well as the many friends I made here.
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