abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 4, 2007 23:45:55 GMT -5
Today has been difficult but it looks as if I'll make it through the weekend without acting out and that is certainly a good thing.
I've kept myself busy with things don't involve using the computer, although that does keep me from doing some school work. But the way I look at it is that it is much more important to work through this than to do school work. I can catch up on that later when I'm not feeling the urge as strongly or maybe when I'm at school rather than at home.
As I'm writing this, I am having difficulty staying away from bad sites. I can do it though - just need to keep up the guard.
I read an analogy on the settingcaptivesfree course about how p is similar to a bait trying to catch a fish. The fish thinks that the bait is very appealing and will lead to satisfaction of some sort, but once the fish goes after the bait, he finds only negative consequences. In the same way I am like a dumb fish that consistently seeks the bait even though every time I do, I only get negative things to happen and satisfaction is never present.
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Post by larus on Nov 5, 2007 3:20:51 GMT -5
hello abetterfuture,
just want to encourage you to stay on the safe side, and to say I admire the creativity and energy that you put into recovering.
best to you larus
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 5, 2007 13:09:41 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments larus - it seems as if every time I am struggling and make note of it in my journal, someone comes here and posts to help me out. I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement!
Anyway, today is not easy at all and the urge has been around for a few days now and will not go away. I have been very very tempted to just give in and that way the urge feelings will dissipate. But I know that if I do this then the urges will only come back in the future and I will still be trapped in this cycle down the road.
This morning I didn't think that I would be able to stay clean but instead, I left my house and went shopping for a little while. This was very helpful, but I still have the urges now. I will find other things to fill my day.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 5, 2007 22:35:53 GMT -5
Well today was one of the toughest days so far and I am happy to report that I made it through without a scratch.
What did I learn from this? Well I basically learned that sometimes you cannot control your urges and therefore the best route is to leave and do something to keep your time busy until it passes. But when the urge lasts for days this isn't very easy to do. It seems as if the urge always passes eventually though.
Well I have some stuff still to accomplish tonight but I will continue onward in recovery.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 6, 2007 22:11:48 GMT -5
I've decided that I need to post here on a continuing basis to be successful and so that it what I'm gonna do.
Today was another difficult day for me. I forget who on this board said it, but they said something to the effect of "if you view p as good it will be hard to avoid, but if you view p as bad then you will want to avoid it." So in that light, I have been trying to view p not as something good that I cannot have, but rather focusing on the pain that it brings me.
There was another post here that said the best way to break free of this trap is to stop viewing p. At first my reaction was annoyed, in that this was too simple and is stating that I cannot do something simple. But in reality, this is probably really helpful. So the best way for me to stop viewing p is to only use my computer in times when temptation is low. Sometimes I lie to myself and say well, you should just log on and check your stocks or something like that, and then I will try to convince myself to look at p since I'm already there. But I know when temptation is high, and I will just postpone whatever it is and get off the computer when this is the case. Certainly this might decrease my school work productivity, but in the end it should help and couldn't decrease productivity as much as p has.
I sometimes fall into the trap of telling myself that since I have thoughts of p, I must not really want to quit, and therefore I shouldn't go against my will and I should just go ahead and act out. But just because I am thinking about p or acting out doesn't mean I want to do that. It means that this has consumed my life for so long that the thoughts and behaviors are still floating around.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 7, 2007 13:16:29 GMT -5
Well somehow I ended up on page 4 of this journal and I suppose that is a good thing. This problem is sure a lot harder to overcome than I initially expected.
Just wanted to post here briefly before the day gets too far in. One thing I have found very helpful is to recognize the links that lead me to acting out. For example, watching a show or going to a certain website (non-p, but mildly triggering) will start me down the wrong path. So, to put it simply, the best way to not get on that path is to avoid the things that lead me to it. The more I understand here the better I will do.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 9, 2007 11:42:17 GMT -5
Just wanted to post before starting my day. I was reading some posts of a long term member who acted out and it reminded me how easy this can creep up and catch us when we are unaware. Therefore, I will take increased caution in my daily life.
I have been doing fine for a while. Today is 2 weeks for me and I plan to keep going the best I can. I have a couple of trips coming up in the following weeks so hopefully I can glide through those. I am staying with other people so I won't be alone in a hotel room.
I'm a little stressed out with school and I know that it not good for sobriety, so I will do what I can to get my projects done. Thanks for listening.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 10, 2007 19:14:49 GMT -5
It's been a day full of reading and homework for the most part. This morning was tempting, but I didn't allow myself the chance for it to go anywhere and therefore I am still going strong.
I am doing much better in recognizing what leads me down the wrong path and therefore have been doing much better in my sobriety. I wanted to visit a site that I used to, but thought there was a chance for some mildly triggering info on it, and then I stayed away. Staying away is much more important.
I haven't been posting as much here because I've been busy and just haven't had much time to do so. But still going good and sticking to the plan.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 13, 2007 0:27:40 GMT -5
Well this evening was a struggle but I picked up the phone and kept calling people until I had someone to talk to and that certainly helped.
I had to catch myself numerous times today relaxing my boundaries as far as looking at other girls and this was difficult to do. I started to even lie to myself and say that there wasn't any harm in acting out as I have shown myself I can be free for a period of time when I want to.
But I'm still going and will win here.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 14, 2007 0:36:30 GMT -5
Well today was exceptionally stressful and with the last few days building up, I gave in and acted out. I knew that it would be difficult to not act out, but somehow I decided to anyway.
I don't feel horrible about it, as I am noticing changes in myself and certainly the hold that p has on me. Yes, I acted out, but going from about every other day to once a month is an accomplishment to be proud of.
I will keep working on my recovery from here on out - not going to fall back into the abyss.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 14, 2007 23:47:01 GMT -5
This morning I sure got a taste of what the lows feel like after acting out - I had forgot them for a while and thought acting out wouldn't be so bad.
I was feeling pretty damn crappy today. Last night after acting out I was ok, but then this morning it was like the world and everything in it just sucked and I couldn't change my mind. I need to remember that this is what acting out does to me and how it makes me feel.
I'll be gone for the next few days and won't have a chance to act out so that should be a good startup back on the recovery track. I probably won't be able to post here either.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 27, 2007 22:06:13 GMT -5
Well, I don't really even know where to start. Left my home base for a few days and fell back into old habits.
Not sure what happened. I think I started telling myself that I was doing fine and could stay away from p without doing any work. Maybe I told myself that p wasn't a problem for me and I wasn't like all the other people who had problems.
However it went, it went badly. This is difficult for me. I didn't know if I would even be able to come back here. I don't feel worthy.
But I'm back for better or worse and going to start again. That's all that I can ever do.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 28, 2007 10:50:59 GMT -5
I will stay away from p today.
I think I'm going to shift strategies as the old strategy wasn't working well for me obviously. New plan is to check out recovery nation stuff.
I will win this battle.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 28, 2007 11:48:51 GMT -5
The Recovery Nation program looks pretty good so far and it suggests that I use a recovery thread. I was going to do this in private but decided to just make the thread here in order to be accountable to others and to share my progress and experience. This will be my new journal entry pattern. I might not be able to do a lesson every single day because of time constraints but will do what I can. So, without further ado:
Day 1: A. Actively committing myself to change - I think that I have been actively committed and can continue to do this. Although past efforts have been met with limited success, I am aware of the need and desire and time needed to change and am committed to doing this. Ever since I came to this board I have attempted to change and the worse of relapses has not turned me away for too long. I am committed.
Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage my commitment to change - I do feel some guilt and shame and think that is a normal part of this problem. But this guilt will not defeat me and the shame will not hold me back. I certainly feel bad about this problem but will conquer it.
Allowing myself time to change - I am not putting time constraints on myself as I realize the life that has been consumed up to this point will not be reversed easily. I will change ultimately no matter the timeline.
B. Reasons why I seek to permanently change my life - I know that I have done this before, but I will do it again anyhow as part of a new commitment to change. Reasons: to have a closer relationship with others, to be a better future boyfriend or husband, to have more time for school, to have more energy and drive to accomplish goals, to be a good role model to friends and family, to show others what I am really like both inside and outside, to break free of the lies that p brings to the table, to develop a closer relationship with God, to have a healthier active life, to be happier in life, to be a more enjoyable person to be around, to develop better coping strategies, to have a better future.
C. I found a picture of me as a child and felt that I connected here. This was tough for me to look at him and see that I have failed him and led him astray. I can keep this as a reminder of the ultimate goal here.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Dec 2, 2007 13:44:44 GMT -5
This p stuff really is difficult to get over and nothing less than a full commitment will help me to do so, I am realizing.
RN day 2:
This day is about visions for the future and very much ties in to the feelings and reasons for wanting to quit, at least for me. My visions of how life will be more satisfying in the future are very much the reasons that I want to get over this problem.
The main points that arise when thinking about my vision are dealing with my influence on other people. I want to see myself as an upstanding person who is a good role model for others and a person whom others can look up to as someone who has their life in order. But it's more than appearing good to others - it's knowing that I am using my full gifts and talents to their utmost potential and not wasting anything. I also want to do well in school and graduate and succeed in my science field. I might be able to half-ass everything and get through as I have done much in the past, but certainly won't be able to succeed at becoming useful by doing this. I also want to show people that I am a good person on both the inside and outside, not just the outside. This vision sounds somewhat vague here I assume but I think that it is specific enough for me at this moment. Certainly it will develop better as I live my life better.
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