abetterfuture's recovery journal

Well, today is day 11 and I seriously thought about going back to old habits. Pretty frustrating just everything going on in my life and that seemed like an easy pseudo-comforting way to behave.

But, somehow I managed to get through today clean and keep moving on. So for now I'm ok.

I feel my life is really weird right now.

keep trying, i need to start what you doin, dont slip. your situ has a few similarities 2 mine, so im watching this space to see you progress

Well, I'm a bit surprised that I made it this far - today marks 2 weeks for me - day 14.

I've been thinking a bit about how all of this happened to me and how I wound up on this board. It seems like a blessing and a curse all in one. On one hand, it sucks that I have a problem like this that I have to deal with. On the other hand, working through this has started to give me a much better perspective on life. I have a renewed belief in the goodness of others and in the goodness of myself. I have better knowledge about what it takes to fight for something and trying to overcome something.

Often I try to delude myself by saying that it's not a big issue and that I should just go back to my old habits and be happy with that way of life. However, deep down I know that that isn't true and that I will be a much better and much happier person if I can overcome this thing consuming me.

I've started to look at girls in a more positive and less sexual light and that is certainly a good thing. However, I am often tempted and need to look away before I go down hill again.

On one hand I want to be in a relationship but on the other hand I feel that I need to wait until I am better capable of being in one. Nobody deserves this crap from me and I need to work at becoming more "stable" before trying anything serious.

Well, hmm, nobody said that this would be easy to get through and in some ways it's probably better that way in teaching self-discipline.

I haven't posted in this journal or on this board in quite a while, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been reading it. I just haven't felt like posting and opening back up. I was doing good for a little while, but then just gave up and gave into temptation. I think I made it to day 20 or so before falling back down. I had convinced myself to believe that I didn't have a problem and that I could control what I wanted to look at. This was all untrue.

So now I am back and really ready to try again. I want to get over this this time. I really do. I am done lying to myself that I can just keep on with my life as is and everything will be ok in the future - when I make more friends, get a girlfriend, am done with school, etc. This is all a lie. I have read more than enough to know the path that I'm on will not fix itself but lead to greater destruction of me as a person. If not now, when? I do not want to lead the rest of my life with a secret such as this and bring my future family and friends into it. I will not buy into this lie.

So what am I doing different now. Well, for one, I will keep trying hard. But I am not going to simply white knuckle it this time because that does not work. That only temporarily suppresses the urges. I need to give it my all and make a change in my life for the better and for the future. I have signed up and am following the settingcaptivesfree course and I have found that to be helpful in starting this up again and also bringing me closer to God and changing my life. I realize that not everyone here is a Christian and I am not trying to force my beliefs on anyone here, but this is what helps me out. I am also going to start posting here more. This addiction thrives in the darkness. It is very easy to slip and then just go on with my life. I do not have to be accountable to anyone and that makes it that much easier to continue to slip. I am done with that. I am holding myself to a higher standard I will not MB or look at P anymore because that is not an option. I will find another way to get through the loneliness and problems that are in my life. I will find another outlet through one of my hobbies. I can do this.

I am going to stop being hard on myself and using P as a coping mechanism. I am better than this. I have overcome many things in my life and believe that I am a good person who can get through this with the help of God and others.

It is all too easy to keep on the path of P and MB, and being a human, I am pulled to take the easy way out. But I have discovered that this cannot be overcome by lame attempts and beliefs that I don't have to do any real work. If I really want to get through this I have to give it everything I have and use the sources available to me.

I will overcome this problem and become a better person because of it. I will have a better future. I can do this.

As a side note, I welcome anyone reading this journal to post (nice) comments.

I've decided to post in this journal whenever I feel I need to or whenever I have another thought about all of this. Kinda a personal though record on the topic of PA.

Why do I turn back to p?

I turn back to P because I am lonely and buy into they lies that p offers me comfort. It tells me that if I just do it this once then I will feel better and that I will no longer be lonely. I will all of the sudden be worthy and be loved by the pixels that appear on my screen. I believe that I will belong.

I turn back to P because I buy into the lie that everyone does it. That it is a normal part of sexuality and that since I am single it is ok. I buy into the lie that I can use this temporarily until I begin a relationship and then it all will disappear. I know that this is not true.

I turn back to P because it eases my withdrawal. Whenever I feel physical sensations I believe that I can use P and then everything will be fine and they will never come back. I do not think about the long term addiction that I am creating.

I turn back to P because it numbs me and offers me the false hope of forgetting my problems. It offers me a hope of having a good outlet and then when I get back to the real world everything is ok.

I turn back to P because I want to see what is out there. I buy into the lie that I can take a quick look and then I won't have to do it again. That this look will be satisfying and give me long term pleasure.

These are all lies but contribute in a big way to my problem.

So after looking through the forums a little bit, I noticed a post that I had placed in the milestones forum about my two week anniversary. So sad that I couldn't keep that up a bit longer.

One thing that has been hard for me to accept but that I have finally accepted is this fact: I go back to P because I don't want to quit. If I really did want to quit, I would never do that again. It is not a "slip" or something that just happened randomly without my consent. I did it because I wanted to. If I want to quit looking at P, then I have to truly want to quit looking at P.