maart
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Post by maart on Oct 17, 2007 16:08:49 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing this. It's very helpful and inspiring for others addicts like me. Keep going !
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 17, 2007 23:04:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the reply maart. Best wishes to you in your own recovery. Things went well today and I was able to control my thoughts pretty well. I saw lots of potential triggers today (it's not that I do this on purpose, but being in a college setting makes it incredibly likely unfortunately) but didn't let any of them get to me. I am proud of myself for that. Although I'm early in my recovery, I am certainly starting to see benefits of being p free. Life is good. I have control over what I do and feel that I am a better person and am much more worthy of, well, living. I have learned to look at a girl and say "yup, she's pretty hot" and then not fantasize about it forever. Also not stare at her forever, as I know that it is unwise to test my sobriety. The settingcaptivesfree course is nice because it gives me something everyday to do that keeps my recovery going. I commit to doing the lessons everyday and that allows me to not sit idly by while p consumes me. I suggest that Christians take a look at it as they might find it worthwhile. I would suggest that non-Christians look through the secular recovery programs available, as they would give the benefit of doing something on a consistent basis to support recovery. I enjoy reading posts here from those who have been sober for a while as it gives me hope and eagerness to see what truly living is like. I'm sure it's wonderful.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 18, 2007 21:57:56 GMT -5
Well, nothing too wild happened today. I was in a pretty good mood for the majority of it. I think that sobriety will do that to you.
I come here about once a day to read posts and to gain some more insight into my own recovery. One thing I am learning is to always keep my guard up. It's a bit scary to think that I will have to worry about relapsing for a very long time, but at the same time I know that it will get easier with time and that I can manage.
It seems as if a lot of people here including myself have some vision of what life would be like without the p problem, but haven't actually seen this. Too bad we can't warp into the future and see how much better everything would be - that would probably be enough for motivation for a while at least.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 20, 2007 17:24:53 GMT -5
I'm pretty tempted today. It's somewhat of a slow Saturday with some occasional work and it just seems appealing to "see whats out there."
I know that this would be bad for me and only lead me to more problems down the road. My dark side is lying to me and saying that I can look at p and mb in moderation perfectly fine and I should just go ahead and do it now. I know that this is not true as I haven't been able to do it before like this.
Tough situation to go through. I need to just leave and clear my mind for the moment. Maybe I'll go for a walk or at least go outside to check the mail. I hate this crap.
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william1000
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I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
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Post by william1000 on Oct 20, 2007 17:29:52 GMT -5
Keep going mate. Go back on the reasons why you wanted to do this. It is worth it. You don't want to be addict to anything. You want to control your own life and destiny. I think you need to get going in your life and fill the void with other interesting things. Best of luck in your journey
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 22, 2007 22:13:20 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments william1000 Well the last few days have all been leading up to acting out and I finally gave in today. It was a stressful week and a bad morning and one thing just led to another. I'm not getting down on myself too much about it. The last run was the longest that I ever stayed away at about a month or so and I think I learned a lot in the process. Getting angry at myself will only lead to more acting out and feeling depressed. Anyway, I'm going to realize that I'm human and jump right back on the recovery wagon if that's alright with everyone. Just because I fell back a bit doesn't mean I'm not recovering anymore. I'm ready to go and do my best. I will overcome this soon enough and am proud of my progress up to now
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 23, 2007 22:37:50 GMT -5
Well I'm back on board with the recovery process and ready to keep going toward the wonderful land known as freedom.
It is incredibly amazing how many people struggle with this stuff. Early on I certainly thought that this was normal, but then as I learned more I have seen the damage that it does to people's lives. I am trying to get through this crap early on in life so that I can manage better in the future.
I figure that those people here only represent a very small number of people who have problems with p and mb. Unfortunately society condones everything so much nowadays that this crap creeps into people's lives. Hope I don't offend anyone but the whole freedom of expression movement and freedom to live various lifestyles stuff I think has contributed to the sexual problems of society. Of course the wide variety of stuff available on the internet hasn't helped matters.
But for now, I am confident that I am following the right path and that it leads somewhere good. Thanks for listening.
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chops
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Post by chops on Oct 23, 2007 23:01:57 GMT -5
I agree that it's such a common thing in this world now, that many don't feel that this is a real problem. Or it's just that the majority of people do have a problem, but they just can't accept it or see it.
But as you said, all of us here have decided that we don't want to accept this way of life or fool ourselves into thinking that it' ok. So, I say let each person walk their paths. As for me, I decide to fight for my freedom from my addiction.
Wishing the best for all of us here.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 27, 2007 1:10:58 GMT -5
I've said it before, but the crazy thing about recovery is how you can go from doing just fine to doing not so fine very very quickly.
Anyway, I really suck at this. I thought it would be much easier than it has proven to be. I can't break free without doing some serious work.
After my good run I acted out, then had a few good days, then acted out again. Once you do it, it is so much easier to continue because I say "hey, that wasn't that bad, I should act out again." The truth is, it is that bad and it really screws up a life - my life.
I've let myself down and let God down. Some times I think that nobody else really cares.
My addict is too good at justifying things, and my non-addict is really crappy at shutting them down. This torn feeling has got to stop. I have seen the benefits of being free but still have trouble working toward that.
I tell myself way too many good lies such as: this doesn't hurt anyone, it's perfectly normal and natural, you'll be fine if you just quit after you get in a relationship, etc
I can't take this.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 27, 2007 11:48:11 GMT -5
Ok so it's morning and I'm feeling a little bit better. I realized that I act out when everything in my room is closed off, and so I am going to quit doing that.
I will start a new day today and go forth more knowledgeable than yesterday. I won't let this bring me down.
More later...
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 29, 2007 23:22:28 GMT -5
Well I didn't post yesterday as I got kinda busy. I'm still doing fine.
I've been reading and lurking more than posting lately and think that is for the best. Sometimes we learn the most when we listen rather than talk. Other people have very useful things to teach me.
I always thought that this would be pretty easy to get over, but alas it is not. I suppose that just means more work for me. Nothing good ever came from not working right?
Not to make excuses by any means, but there is certainly tons and tons of sexual info in our society from the internet to just daily life walking down the street. How did all of this manage to break in? I suppose the consumer demanded it, but the consumer doesn't know how much it is screwing up its life. Everything would be much better off with less sexual material in many ways.
But as the world is what it is, I just need to work on living my own life apart from this world. I can no longer by into the normality of sexual objectification and can no longer support that lifestyle. That is why I am here.
I feel good today. This is why I want to quit.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 30, 2007 21:58:01 GMT -5
Dear abetterfuture,
Lately you have been falling back into old habits and I thought a letter would be helpful. I am writing this to you in a sober time because that is when thinking is the clearest. You can read this when an urge strikes. When thinking becomes hazy, everything that is written here is quickly forgotten.
First off, I know that you think this is a passing problem. You think that you can simply act out when you want because you are single and that the problem will go away when you get in a serious relationship. I want to tell you that this is a bunch of crap. The brief relationships you have been in did nothing to calm this problem down, and you acted out as much as ever. Also, you have read more than enough from SO’s and other p addicts to know that the problem does not simply go away when you get in a relationship. Stop believing this lie – it is not true.
Stop pretending that you don’t have a problem. If you truly don’t have a problem, you would have been able to quit doing this a long time ago and would have succeeded a few attempts before this. You do have a problem. You do have a flaw. I know this is hard for you to accept as you prefer to be above other people and see yourself as not flawed. But everyone has their own problems, and this is yours. You are strong by admitting that this is a problem, and pretending that it isn’t certainly doesn’t help anyone. Admit that you have a problem – it is the only way to get through this. If you don’t think that you have a problem, you don’t have anything to fight for.
You know that P cannot be used by you (or anyone for that matter) properly in moderation. This is another lie that your addict says to keep you going. Brief uses always have led to more heavy use and this cycle will not change. Even if you could use p in moderation, you would not want to. You are fueling an evil and pervasive media that harms and exploits everyone involved, and damages the lives and marriages of numerous people. The goal is to live a better future free from all of the lies that p brings to the table. Remember that. Your life will be better. Trust me.
Yes, sexual objectification is virtually everywhere nowadays. Your goal is neither to change society nor to remove yourself totally from it. Your goal is to live purely and happily in the world that you have been placed in. Bad things are there and you need to rise above them and pick and choose the good from the bad. Understand that triggers are everywhere in your daily life when you least expect it. Acknowledge them and then move on. Remember the cycle that this can get you into if you make the incorrect choice here.
How can you possibly continue on with this lifestyle and call yourself a Christian? You are certainly not living out the type of values that Christians hold dear. P pushes you away from God and you are perfectly aware of this. Think of how often you went to church or prayed or read scripture while acting out often. Now think of how often you do these things and the closeness that you feel with God during a period of sobriety. God will help you out and you need to trust Him, but you also need to recognize that he is not going to simply take the problem away but rather give you the strength to work through it. There is a lesson to be learned here even if it isn’t quite clear all of the time. “…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:31)”
Don’t think that you can get through this without doing any real work, as this is another lie. If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep having the same problem. That’s the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing and expecting different results. You will not simply grow out of it – look at all of the people much older than you with the similar problem. They haven’t simply grown out of it and you won’t either. This isn’t hard to understand. If you don’t quit now, life will be worse in the future, period. You need to commit to working hard on this problem now, not later. Your half-hearted attempts in the past did not help and they certainly won’t do much in the future either.
One thing that you like to tell yourself is that this problem is not hurting anyone. How can you possibly be as intelligent as you are and buy into this? It is hurting many people. It is hurting yourself and creating much stress in your life. If it didn’t bother you than you wouldn’t be trying to quit right? You have been feeling much more depressed when caught in this addiction and have even thought about suicide. This certainly is proof enough that it is hurting you. This is also hurting your relationship with God. You know that you are not near as close to Him when caught in this cycle and that He wants you to overcome this. This is also hurting everyone else in your life that might not even know about your problem. It is hurting them because you are not giving them all that you can be in being a true friend. You are out for your own needs and are becoming shallow and selfish in your desires. You are hurting many people in the p industry by keeping them trapped in their lifestyle. You are hurting your future girlfriends or wife. You have read more than enough SO posts to know the hurt that this gives to them and the damage that this causes to a relationship. You don’t want to be like this. You are better than this.
There are more than enough reasons to want to quit and you know this. I shouldn’t have to list them all here. After moving away from this p problem you current and future life will be much better, to put it shortly, and you know this. You have been given a wonderful life and are screwing it up. Many people around the world would be more than happy to experience the life that you have managed to be given and you need to stop screwing it up. Your life will be much better in the future after you get through this problem and you know this. You have even experienced the increased satisfaction in life when you have gone for a few weeks or so sober.
So how can you get through all of this? First off, stop doing things that lead you to act out. Stop closing the door and pulling down the blinds when you are on the computer. That is just a precursor to acting out. Stop visiting gateway sites as a way to move on to the more problematic ones. Stop entertaining thoughts – they will come up from time to time and you need to just let them pass you by. Acknowledge the thought and leave it at that. If you feel the urge, leave the computer. Don’t sit there and just randomly surf as that is only a recipe for one thing – disaster. Do something productive – you certainly have no shortage of school work to try and catch up on and you would be much better off if you take this route.
But aside from white-knuckling it (although this is sometimes all that you can do), you need to seek out more recovery processes. Use your positive hobbies and interests to replace the old ones. Write in your journal and work through the recovery courses online. Pray or read a religious text. Work on challenging your thoughts about sexuality and work on viewing females in a different light. This is possible and you can succeed. Urges are not proof that you are failing, but rather proof that you are fighting a tough addiction. The urges will pass and you will feel much better for fighting them off. Giving in never solves anything and just gives you a bunch of distress and more problems.
What will life be like in the future after overcoming this? Pay attention here as I think that it is very important you see what you are working toward. Most generally, life will be much better. You will no longer be controlled by something as evil as p and you will no longer need this unhealthy outlet for stress and isolation feelings. When you interact with other people, you will be able to open up your life to them because there is nothing to hide and you will feel that this communication is much more genuine than it has ever been. You will be closer to God and finally feel somewhat worthy in attending church and in sharing and defending your faith with others. You will be able to enjoy a healthy truly loving relationship with a girl who loves you for being you and not just for being you minus the problems she doesn’t know about. You will not be endangering your family and risk hurting them because of habits that got out of control. You will be able to succeed in your career and know that you have been given the gifts and talents to do so.
If I didn’t think you were capable of overcoming this problem, I certainly wouldn’t be taking the time and writing you a letter as such. I know that you are capable of overcoming this and can transform your life. Certainly this is not easy to get through and it does require real work and honesty, but you can handle that. You have fought many battles before and can win this one as well, as tough as it may seem at times.
I am writing this to help you. Use it as a tool for your recovery and know that you can win this battle.
Lovingly, Yourself
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 31, 2007 23:32:30 GMT -5
Well today kinda sucks. I've been stressed out with school work stuff and kinda feeling down about everything. Don't worry, I'm not going to use p and mb as an outlet.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it seems as if everyone else is pursuing a perfect path. I know that this isn't quite true, but it's just one of those dysfunctional thoughts that pop into my head.
I'm gonna go to bed for now. I need to get up early to be at school and doing various work and meetings and stuff. Later.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 1, 2007 22:58:33 GMT -5
Today hasn't been too bad. It was a stressful day with school work, but I've been able to relax a bit and take everything one day at a time with this stuff.
I caught myself looking at some girls today in the gym and was able to tell myself that I shouldn't try those boundaries as they don't normally lead to something good.
I find myself desiring a relationship lately. Seems as if all of my friends and acquaintances are in serious relationships and I just have never been able to experience that. All of my relationships have been superficial and there really haven't been many of those anyway. I know that this probably isn't a good thing to get involved with right now, and so I am not actively pursuing anything. But it seems only natural to want some comfort and companionship that I have never experienced.
I haven't been doing too well at getting school work done lately. I've just been really tired at night and normally just don't commit to working on any of the big projects that I know I should be doing. The stress certainly doesn't exactly make me want to do anything either.
I feel alone in many ways, and that is tough to overcome. School is consuming me.
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abetterfuture
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Post by abetterfuture on Nov 2, 2007 12:28:07 GMT -5
Kinda wanted to post here this morning as I was feeling the urge a bit. I went back through some old posts of mine, especially the letter that I posted up recently and it really helped me get through by reaffirming why I am doing this.
I'm confident that I will overcome this eventually and I will not stop fighting it.
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