abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 24, 2007 16:35:26 GMT -5
Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time before I started this journal. I really need an outlet and some support and thought this would be a good place to start.
Today is day 8 for me, so I guess this is started a tad late, but I'm hoping it can keep me going.
Not sure how many other people here do or do not have SO's, but I do not have a SO, and so for me, quitting P and MB is breaking off all the sexual outlets.
I need to learn some self control and get in better shape for a future SO or whatever happens in my life.
The last couple days have been tough, but I need to keep going.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 25, 2007 22:02:17 GMT -5
So today is day 9 and it's pretty freeking tough to keep on going. It seems like triggers are everywhere I am. Also, seems like I'm having a lot of odd physical symptoms - not sure what is associated with the withdrawals and what not but it still all is tough to deal with.
I know that I can keep going. Don't give up just yet!
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 27, 2007 22:31:30 GMT -5
Well, today is day 11 and I seriously thought about going back to old habits. Pretty frustrating just everything going on in my life and that seemed like an easy pseudo-comforting way to behave.
But, somehow I managed to get through today clean and keep moving on. So for now I'm ok.
I feel my life is really weird right now.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 28, 2007 14:23:44 GMT -5
Argghh. I hate these urges that keep coming on. I'm worried that I won't be able to always come to this board as an outlet and will eventually give in.
Come on now, just a day at a time. Find something else to do.
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kak
New Member
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Post by kak on Jun 28, 2007 17:53:44 GMT -5
keep trying, i need to start what you doin, dont slip. your situ has a few similarities 2 mine, so im watching this space to see you progress
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 29, 2007 10:20:56 GMT -5
Well, I made it through yesterday alright although I seriously thought that I was gonna slip. I tried to visualize how I wanted to be as a person in a few years down the road and that helped me stay away for then.
When I'm really tempted I often have to listen to the same lies going on in my head: Just go ahead and do it because it'll relax you and calm you down; Don't worry about it, you don't have a problem, it's normal to do this; It's truly satisfying.
It's tough to combat these lies, but I should start writing them down so I can better challenge them. The first step is to identify them so I can indeed challenge them.
I really do want to break past P and MB, but often times I think it would be much easier to just go back. And surely it would be much easier, no doubt about it. But not much in life worth doing is easy. I deserve this. My family deserves this. My future partner deserves this. My future kids deserve this.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jun 30, 2007 15:38:41 GMT -5
Well, I'm a bit surprised that I made it this far - today marks 2 weeks for me - day 14.
I've been thinking a bit about how all of this happened to me and how I wound up on this board. It seems like a blessing and a curse all in one. On one hand, it sucks that I have a problem like this that I have to deal with. On the other hand, working through this has started to give me a much better perspective on life. I have a renewed belief in the goodness of others and in the goodness of myself. I have better knowledge about what it takes to fight for something and trying to overcome something.
Often I try to delude myself by saying that it's not a big issue and that I should just go back to my old habits and be happy with that way of life. However, deep down I know that that isn't true and that I will be a much better and much happier person if I can overcome this thing consuming me.
I've started to look at girls in a more positive and less sexual light and that is certainly a good thing. However, I am often tempted and need to look away before I go down hill again.
On one hand I want to be in a relationship but on the other hand I feel that I need to wait until I am better capable of being in one. Nobody deserves this crap from me and I need to work at becoming more "stable" before trying anything serious.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Jul 1, 2007 19:25:18 GMT -5
It's pretty crazy how I can be doing well one moment and then tempted the next moment. It keeps reminding me that I must be constantly on guard if I want to win here.
I'm getting better at looking away and covering up things if I think they are tempting and that has certainly been a helping factor in getting me this far.
I think that there is still hope for me and I certainly plan to see. day 15
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Sept 30, 2007 23:32:56 GMT -5
Well, hmm, nobody said that this would be easy to get through and in some ways it's probably better that way in teaching self-discipline.
I haven't posted in this journal or on this board in quite a while, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been reading it. I just haven't felt like posting and opening back up. I was doing good for a little while, but then just gave up and gave into temptation. I think I made it to day 20 or so before falling back down. I had convinced myself to believe that I didn't have a problem and that I could control what I wanted to look at. This was all untrue.
So now I am back and really ready to try again. I want to get over this this time. I really do. I am done lying to myself that I can just keep on with my life as is and everything will be ok in the future - when I make more friends, get a girlfriend, am done with school, etc. This is all a lie. I have read more than enough to know the path that I'm on will not fix itself but lead to greater destruction of me as a person. If not now, when? I do not want to lead the rest of my life with a secret such as this and bring my future family and friends into it. I will not buy into this lie.
So what am I doing different now. Well, for one, I will keep trying hard. But I am not going to simply white knuckle it this time because that does not work. That only temporarily suppresses the urges. I need to give it my all and make a change in my life for the better and for the future. I have signed up and am following the settingcaptivesfree course and I have found that to be helpful in starting this up again and also bringing me closer to God and changing my life. I realize that not everyone here is a Christian and I am not trying to force my beliefs on anyone here, but this is what helps me out. I am also going to start posting here more. This addiction thrives in the darkness. It is very easy to slip and then just go on with my life. I do not have to be accountable to anyone and that makes it that much easier to continue to slip. I am done with that. I am holding myself to a higher standard I will not MB or look at P anymore because that is not an option. I will find another way to get through the loneliness and problems that are in my life. I will find another outlet through one of my hobbies. I can do this.
I am going to stop being hard on myself and using P as a coping mechanism. I am better than this. I have overcome many things in my life and believe that I am a good person who can get through this with the help of God and others.
It is all too easy to keep on the path of P and MB, and being a human, I am pulled to take the easy way out. But I have discovered that this cannot be overcome by lame attempts and beliefs that I don't have to do any real work. If I really want to get through this I have to give it everything I have and use the sources available to me.
I will overcome this problem and become a better person because of it. I will have a better future. I can do this.
As a side note, I welcome anyone reading this journal to post (nice) comments.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Sept 30, 2007 23:34:21 GMT -5
Also, I'm not exactly sure what day this is free of P/MB. I think it is day 5.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Sept 30, 2007 23:55:52 GMT -5
I've decided to post in this journal whenever I feel I need to or whenever I have another thought about all of this. Kinda a personal though record on the topic of PA.
Why do I turn back to p?
I turn back to P because I am lonely and buy into they lies that p offers me comfort. It tells me that if I just do it this once then I will feel better and that I will no longer be lonely. I will all of the sudden be worthy and be loved by the pixels that appear on my screen. I believe that I will belong.
I turn back to P because I buy into the lie that everyone does it. That it is a normal part of sexuality and that since I am single it is ok. I buy into the lie that I can use this temporarily until I begin a relationship and then it all will disappear. I know that this is not true.
I turn back to P because it eases my withdrawal. Whenever I feel physical sensations I believe that I can use P and then everything will be fine and they will never come back. I do not think about the long term addiction that I am creating.
I turn back to P because it numbs me and offers me the false hope of forgetting my problems. It offers me a hope of having a good outlet and then when I get back to the real world everything is ok.
I turn back to P because I want to see what is out there. I buy into the lie that I can take a quick look and then I won't have to do it again. That this look will be satisfying and give me long term pleasure.
These are all lies but contribute in a big way to my problem.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 1, 2007 11:14:27 GMT -5
I feel some urge this morning but I will not give in. Some things I will do to get through this:
Open the blinds in my room and leave the door open.
Call friends and talk to them about whatever.
Go to school early and work or read something.
Go for a walk, check the mail.
Post on this board.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 1, 2007 11:40:16 GMT -5
So after looking through the forums a little bit, I noticed a post that I had placed in the milestones forum about my two week anniversary. So sad that I couldn't keep that up a bit longer.
One thing that has been hard for me to accept but that I have finally accepted is this fact: I go back to P because I don't want to quit. If I really did want to quit, I would never do that again. It is not a "slip" or something that just happened randomly without my consent. I did it because I wanted to. If I want to quit looking at P, then I have to truly want to quit looking at P.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 2, 2007 18:04:17 GMT -5
Things have been going pretty well and I'm learning a bunch more about what is going on. I felt some temptation today as is normal around the 7 day period, but have been able to ignore it.
One thing I have found helpful is to remove temptation or instances where I might act out again. One thing I have been doing is disconnecting my internet and TV at night and early morning so I don't do something dumb when I'm not thinking clearly.
I'm optimistic about the future right now, and hope to continue going on well.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 3, 2007 9:58:54 GMT -5
So this is about the day where I act out. Why on this day? Often the physical sensations start to get to me and I do gateway things such as looking at sites that will lead to other sites.
This is not going to happen today however. It will not happen because I am thinking about it early and planning for it. I will not do anything that leads me in that direction.
Often I have thoughts as to whether this recovery process is even really worth it. Sure I feel excited and ready to start at the beginning, but as it gets harder I start to doubt. I ask myself why I can't just look at p and act out once in a while and be happy. I know that I cannot because it will lead to more and it goes against everything I believe in and stand for. I suppose it's just the addictspeak jumping into my head again.
I have noticed it get really tough around this 7 day mark plus or minus a couple days and that is what is getting to me now on day 8. But if I can't beat this demon now, when can I conquer it? I'm not sure but I don't want to find out.
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