abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 4, 2007 0:03:38 GMT -5
Thought that I should write something before going to bed.
I made it through today alright and am ready to keep going. I am noticing so many potential triggers in my life. In the gym today I had to consciously repeat to myself not to look at this or that girl. It was very tough to do and mad me feel a bit dumb that I even had to do that.
But I know that to break free of this I need to stop lusting and stop doing potentially triggering things. I can get through this alright I know.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 4, 2007 22:16:22 GMT -5
Somehow I made it on to the second page of this thing.
Today went alright although there were still plenty of possible triggers. Often recovery feels a long ways away and seems like quite a bit of work to do but I know in my heart that it is worth it.
It's weird how I got into this mess in the first place. It seemed harmless when as an adolescent I found some magazines, and then it escalated into internet p that pretty much took me over.
One of my friends is trying to quit smoking and she showed me some reasons that she had found of why to quit. One struck me as particularly applicable to my situation: Not letting an addiction control your life and behaviors.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 6, 2007 1:25:37 GMT -5
I have found that posting to others on this board has helped me quite a bit. In the past where I have acted out, I stay away from posting here because I don't feel worthy and I feel as if I should just give up. I know that this is not true, and I feel I can speak my beliefs here.
There were a lot of triggers today. More girls that are becoming increasingly difficult to not look at and fantasize about. Also, I watched a movie tonight that I thought was a harmless comedy but ended up having some nudity in it that I was not expecting. I was able to look away and stop the fantasy world, but rather just accept it for what it was. I do not feel like acting out now.
I have felt much better recently since I started recovery. I have a much more solid self image and notice that I feel comfortable being spontaneous and open with others because I am giving them me, not just a clean outside version of me and this feels wonderful to say the least.
I have also found a greater satisfaction with life in general. Stuff just seems to be going well, and I enjoy going to school and doing my work.
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Post by choselife on Oct 6, 2007 2:46:14 GMT -5
This is what its all about. One thing that I have learned over my time on the board is that its impossible for me to feel like you described above without sobriety/recovery. Its a corny cliche, but true, that what you are describing is a "natural high".
CL
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 6, 2007 18:30:51 GMT -5
Thanks for the comment CL - it's nice to see others understand what I am talking about.
I have noticed myself getting much better at not acting out. I have encountered many things recently that would have definitely led me back to p in the past, but my new affirmation to not act out has held up well. I am becoming proud of myself.
Much of what I am doing seems very simple on the outside. First off, I do not allow myself the same "acting out situation" that I did before. I do not visit gateway sites and I do not sit on a computer with doors or windows around me closed.
Also, I have told myself that I really do want to quit this time. Before it was an often half-hearted white-knuckling attempt that gave me an out of going back to p. This time I am committed to not doing that.
I have began to see benefits from living this lifestyle that I am trying to live, and I fully plan to keep doing things this way.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 7, 2007 21:08:13 GMT -5
Well, today has probably been the toughest day so far that I have resisted. I was home most of the afternoon and evening and just the boredom and not wanting to do school work could have easily led me to act out. I find that boredom and just sitting at my computer is a big no-no during my recovery time. I forget the exact quote but it's something like "idle hands are the devil's playground."
So to combat this, I first off left my computer. I read for a little while and then did some cleaning up around the house. It was really cold and rainy today otherwise I would have went outside for a run or to golf or something. I could have went for a drive but for some reason I did not. Another thing I did do however was to call friends and family and just chat for a while. This was very useful and helped me to stay away from acting out. I also spent some time watching football that I knew could get my mind away.
I had a lot of thoughts of past viewed p come back into my head today and it was not pleasant. It was very hard for me not to entertain them for a period of time. I know that this next week or so will be very hard to get through and there will be lots of thoughts of p and acting out. Planning for them in advance will help me to get through them.
The addiction often lies to me and tells me that I really don't want to quit. It lies to me and tells me that p is good and desiring. It tells me that acting out will allow me to not have to work hard and get through a recovery process. These can be tough to ignore. Instead of ignoring these thoughts, I challenge them directly. Yes, acting out would be easier for me to do but it will lead to anger and hurt in the long run. It will lead to me hiding part of my life from others. Simply put, it will lead me to f-ing up my life.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 8, 2007 11:38:01 GMT -5
So last night I had a dream (don't remember all the details) about a p actor and getting to meet them. It was really messed up and very triggering to say the least. I remember her trying to tell me that p doesn't hurt women or something like that and I was too absorbed at the time to try to disagree. When I woke up I at first didn't know what was real or just in my dream and felt very tempted to go to the computer and check for p but I started challenging my thoughts about what I was doing and stayed away. I know that p is very damaging to women and that acting out based on a temporary feeling will only lead me into the ground.
I'm not a person that believes much in dream interpretation, but it was disturbing to have this dream nonetheless, especially in a very hard part of my recovery period. One thing I have been doing is to unplug my internet connection at night so I am not tempted late at night or in the morning as much.
So instead of searching for p, I came to this board and read some posts. The partners forum has been very motivating for me to read because I am single and I can see how this addiction could eventually ruin a future marriage or relationship. This is definitely not something that I want to do and I will do whatever it takes to avoid it. I see that this p stuff can really hurt the women that are involved with PA's and I don't want to be one of those d-bags that is hurting a girl that I love and care about.
So I made it though the weekend and now it is time to face the week and keep doing what I've been doing. I can defeat this monster.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 9, 2007 22:42:10 GMT -5
Well I am here and still going strong.
I have been doing well lately and feel that I have started to see a change in my life. Things that used to be triggers aren't as triggering (although I'm still trying my best to avoid them) and I find myself lusting less.
I find that posting in this journal and in various posts helps me out and gives me an outlet that is much more useful than p. If I could spend time looking at p then I can spend time here instead.
The settingcaptivesfree course is also going well. Although I'm not quite the evangelical that some of the course is geared to, I find it very useful in bringing me away from P and closer to God and where I want to be. I feel much better about myself.
I am noticing that I am still a much happier person without p. Ironically, I often sought p because I thought it would make me happier but I am happier without it.
It is tough seeing how mainstream the whole p and liberal attitudes about sex have become. I very much disagree with all of this but it constantly surrounds me and is hard to combat. I am comfortable knowing that inside I can resist, but it is sad to see everyone else give in and direct their lives down a negative path.
I have became better at catching myself engaging in addict thinking and have became good at challenging it. When I notice it I try to immediately think of ways to combat it. For example when I think "p will calm me for now and I'll just quit later" I tell myself "p has only ever led to more anxiety and the more that I engage in it the harder it will be to quit later."
It is incredible and sad how many people struggle with this throughout their lives. After reading so much I am beginning to realize this. It is sad because I know the pain that occurs with it and yet so many people will most likely become caught in it. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here about overcoming problems and helping others, but I'm still waiting to see it play out.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 10, 2007 9:51:41 GMT -5
Well last night I had another dream that was very very triggering, essentially me acting out something that I had seen in p.
When I woke up I felt pretty crappy for having that dream but I don't believe that I have much control over things like that. Anyway, this would have surely led to acting out in the past, and just about did this time too, but I reminded myself of the reasons I am quitting and just took a shower and got ready for the day.
As much as I thought that I was starting to get rid of these images, apparently I still have some of them laying around. I know that they will subside in the future though.
So another day to get through and I just need to stop thinking about the dream thing and move on. I can do this.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 11, 2007 22:58:40 GMT -5
Well, look at this, another day posted in the journal.
Things have been going well lately. Although there are certainly a fair share of triggers in my daily life (still in college), I have managed to recognize them for what they are and move on with my life. I will not let these things drag me down.
Seems as if nowadays there are far too many girls dressing in ways to simply get attention. Even in places such as the gym, so many girls can't manage to simply dress plain and low-maintenance. You shouldn't dress up to go to the gym. I understand that you are an attractive girl, but come on, give yourself some respect and understand that if you are attractive and confident, a good guy will notice without you pushing the dress code limits.
Now maybe I'm a bit jaded in my view here because, well, I'm here aren't I. But in a way, dealing with this p problem has ironically led me to recognize better than most men the non-physical qualities that a girl might have. I suppose this is because I'm intentionally trying to do so, but still good nonetheless.
I'm not counting exact days although I have a general idea of what day I'm on. When I start counting days, it makes it seem as if I'm trying to get by for just one more day and then I can give back in. This isn't what I'm trying to do at all. I'm trying to quit permanently, and therefore it doesn't matter if I'm on day 2 or 200. Also, counting the days almost leads me to expect failure some times. I tell myself that I made it to a certain day last time, and therefore that is where I might act out. Acting out isn't an option anymore.
Life is going well. I enjoy very much improving myself and breaking free from this p problem. Certainly it would be better if I never had to deal with it, but I can't change the past. But I can't change the future either really, philosophically. But I'm not here to engage in deep philosophical discourse, just recover from an addiction.
Posting on this board has helped me quite a bit. I gain satisfaction from helping others work though this and it certainly aids me in my own recovery period.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 13, 2007 11:15:57 GMT -5
Well yesterday went just fine and I was able to make it through even in light of triggering things.
Today has started off tempting, as it is a Saturday morning alone in the house. To get through the day, however, I have some plans already made up. I'm going to the school football game this afternoon and later probably do some homework or hang out with friends. This should keep me away enough.
I'm proud of myself for making it this far and at the same time I am annoyed that I am here. Being here admits a fault and a weakness, and it admits that I have became sucked into the dark p hole. I suppose everyone has a weakness and has some faults, but I tend to be hard on myself about mine.
Reading more and more I am sad to see the huge amount of people that this addiction has consumed. Something that seems so harmless at the beginning certainly isn't. It's like the dark secret that so many people harbor. If someone has a smoking, alcohol, pot, illegal drug, etc problem, the can normally admit it and seek help. This addiction however, thrives even more in secrecy than these and I suppose that is what makes it so tough to break through.
I am optimistic that I will break free of p forever. I know that I am strong enough to do this and that I am disgusted enough with my past behavior to do this.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 14, 2007 15:59:40 GMT -5
Argghh. I am really expletiving tempted right now. It has been a nice calm Sunday and I have been doing work but it is becoming increasingly tough to stay away. Even when I start reading stuff here, it seems like it all is futile.
My p problem is lying to me again. It is telling me that I can indulge now and simply quit later when I feel like it. It is telling me that satisfaction awaits and that I do not have to endure this tension of withdrawal. I very much need to leave now.
I think I'm going to unhook my internet and leave the room and read or something.
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abetterfuture
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Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 15, 2007 18:40:07 GMT -5
Today is incredibly tempting. My body is telling me to give in and I am trying to fight it and that is not easy to do.
I can get through this. What should I do. First I need to shower and then get some supper, then call some friends and read for a little while. All this time I should unhook my internet because if I don't I might act out.
I hate this all. I often want to give up and have done so before. Giving up is so much easier. The addiction is challenging me and telling me that it is ok to give in and there is nothing wrong with it. I need to stay strong to challenge back.
I hate all of this.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 17, 2007 0:21:01 GMT -5
Well after a few days of very high levels of temptation I am glad to say that today was much easier to get through. I didn't feel all that tempted to act out today and was able to start to reaffirm why I was trying to recover. The thing about the days that are tough is that I always ignore the rational side of me. I'm just glad that he was available enough to get me through.
I didn't get a chance to read much on this board today but it was because I was very busy and not because I did not want to. I enjoy reading about all of this stuff and find that it very much helps me along.
I believe that this is the longest that I have made it without p/mb. So everyday now is a day into uncharted and much much better territory.
Life just seems so much better without p, it's just tough to remember that.
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abetterfuture
Full Member
Moving forward the best I can.
Posts: 166
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Post by abetterfuture on Oct 17, 2007 12:15:41 GMT -5
Well I just made post 100 on this board, and I never thought that I would be here, but I am glad that I am.
It seems like a huge part of overcoming this is being fully committed to it. Before when I was counting days it seemed as if I was counting the days I could make it before I act out again. This system is silly to simply see how long you can go before falling back because you will always fall back.
Now, I am counting the days so that I can see how many days I have lived a better life and how many days I have became closer to God and to wonderful things.
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