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Post by unico on Aug 2, 2007 16:23:22 GMT -5
Another day free from porn. Purchased a novel today for the bookclub I am in. So far its been a good read which is good as there is nothing worse than struggling through a book I don't enjoy. Will be meeting up with my daughter this Sunday to catch up on news. Tomorrow I will playing badminton and going on a ghost walk later in the evening. Looking forward to the next few days.
For today I chose to remain porn free, for that i am grateful
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 3, 2007 18:31:08 GMT -5
Good day today. It's enough to say that, and repeat my affirmation:- For today i chose not to view porn.
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Post by unico on Aug 4, 2007 18:58:45 GMT -5
Day 70
Pleased to have made it this far. Went out to a social evening tonight, which was ok, until later in evening when I was being talked at by a crushing bore. It was good I got out, and good I left when I did (first to go). I just feel I have so little to say right now in company, but at least I didn't let a bore get to me. I just hope if I keep going out and socialising i will start to feel some connection to others eventually. anyway, another day without porn, for that I am very grateful
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 5, 2007 16:53:10 GMT -5
Met up with my daughter this morning and we went into the town where I was born, bought some donuts and drinks at sat on a bench in the gardens overlooking the castle.
It was good to meet up and chat, but I couldn't help thinking it was these very same castle grounds, that as a teenager I went to after taking a massive drug overdose with the intention of being found dead the following morning. As it was, I was asked to leave the gardens by a park keeper at closing time, and eventually wound up in Accident and Emergency after being found collapsed in a telephone kiosk in town.
It was kind weird, returning to the same site, so many years later, with an adult daughter, living a life I could not have imagined at that time.
Anyway, can report have had another porn free day, and I am feeling some grounds for optimism with regard to my addiction. Life may not feel easy right now, but I can hold my head a little higher because I am not feeling so helpless in the face of my addiction. :-)
Unico
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Post by feelashamed on Aug 6, 2007 14:29:17 GMT -5
Hello Unico,
I have just read your journal from start to finish. The first time i have read any journal from start to finish. You have inspired me greatly...thank you.
I hope your back pain eases soon. I hope you depression lifts. I too am on a diet..I find rice fills me up so I am less likely to snack. I also enjoy badminton, my friend he wins nine times out of ten but as you say the exercise has so many positives to mood and health. You seem close to your daughter. I hope you feel able to continue to enjoy this companionship. I have no children but i have neices and nephews and try to be a part of their lives. I guess as you also say relationships with people are o so important in recovery. Again thank you for posting to me when i was at a low ebb.
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Post by unico on Aug 6, 2007 17:46:23 GMT -5
Feelashamed,
Thanks for your input, it's much appreciated. It's good to see you are in a more positive mood today.
Tried to find some books on addiction in the library today, but came away empty handed. I know they must be there somewhere, I've seen them before on the shelves. Will try again when next in, and in less of a rush. Went to see Hoax at the cinema tonight. Halfway thru the film the cinema is evacuated because the popcorn machine started smoking in the foyer. We were allowed back in, but the film had continued to run so we lost about 15-20 minutes. Shame as we were enjoying the picture, but we were given a full refund. For today, I chose not to view porn, for that I am grateful
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 7, 2007 17:03:43 GMT -5
I am reminded today of a passage I read briefly in a library book last night, something to the effect of life is like a life sentence, ie something to be endured at best, and how to challenge that belief (must get the book out) It just summed up my attitude to life, and how last year I described my life to a psychiatrist as being 'like a living death'. In the context of needing to change my whole outlook on life, my porn addiction seems but a small component, but abstaining from porn is a vital step in starting to change my outlook. I sometimes wonder if I will ever experience any sustainable hope in my life. I don't see a future, only a continual present, and that scares me. If I knew I were to die tomorrow I would feel a sense of relief right now. I have to keep challenging my depression but right now a flight from a tall building seems awfully tempting (love of my daughter, is holding me back - knowing the damage suicide causes). I am tired, in pain, and just letting the misery flow tonight. At least I can say I have not used porn today, not using is a tiny ray of light, but I need to change so much more.
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 8, 2007 17:13:08 GMT -5
For today I chose not to look at porn. For that i am grateful.
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Post by unico on Aug 9, 2007 16:55:16 GMT -5
unexpectedly met my old boss today and we both had time to chat. I mentioned my current voluntary job was unstimulating and how I missed working with him and the other volunteers. I mentioned I would consider returning, after I heard my ex-girlfriend was unlikely to continue to remain working there. The reason I chose to leave was because I found it too painful to be around her as an ex. Anyway, the old boss indicated my ex gf was having a hard time at the moment so I decided to give her a call tonight (but only got thru to mobile - no surprise there!) I think it unlikely she will call me back, but the thought of her struggling right now is painful. I am also aware that by contacting her again I may be letting my emotional guard down. I have yet to heal fully from the loss of the relationship (I expect I will alway feel a sense of pain, our split followed my admission to psych unit last year - she was just became burnt out). I just need to remember that the breakdown of any relationship has just as much to do with the other parties fault, instead of blaming myself for everything. For today, I chose not to look at porn - this hasn't been too hard recently, my mood has lowered my sex drive considerably, plus I haven't been feeding my addiction.
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 10, 2007 16:01:28 GMT -5
Been a mixed day today. Decided to call on ex GF this p.m. as I thought it unlikely she would reply to my voicemail message. Buzzed her intercom, she replied but stated clearly she wanted to left alone. So, i've done my bit now, no change to the status quo, i have offered help, she has declined. Later spoke to daughter and told her if I ever consider contacting my ex again, she should remind me that my ex's life is none of my (expletive)ing business. At least I can now return to working at my old job on Tuesday mornings. If the ex ever returns to work at the same place I have the option of leaving again. I miss the cameradery of the old job, it felt like a great extended family, I was the first job I ever felt comfortable in. How sad is that? that's what psychological abuse did to me as a child, made it impossible to forge a career for myself, or even hold down paid employment. Need to be kind to myself right now, and be grateful for another day without porn media
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 11, 2007 12:16:16 GMT -5
met up with some friends for lunch today, and later got on with some housework. I need to be more ruthless in trying to cut off thoughts about my ex GF before I start to dwell on happier times then end up feeling miserable. I will try to keep to my resolve of attempting to challenge most ('all' is too much of a challenge) thoughts of my ex's life with the mantra None of my (expletive)ing business. tackling porn addiction is a walk in the park compared to shutting out my ex from my thoughts. Looking forward to starting back at my old workplace, just hope I can manage as well as I used to (my brain has been somewhat scrambled of late) For today I choose not to look at porn. For today I will try to challenge thoughts of my ex with an image of a STOP sign, followed by the mantra if required.
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Post by speedway on Aug 12, 2007 4:07:22 GMT -5
Dear Unico, just checking in with you. You're doing really well and keeping your life moving.
Yours, speedway
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Post by unico on Aug 12, 2007 16:05:09 GMT -5
Thanks for your post Speedway, much appreciated.
Today I tried replying to a thread on No-Porn and gave up after countless revisions. This is really frustrating right now, I don't know if the lack of clarity in my mental processes presently is stress related or the way my thinking is going to be from now on (I just hope it's the former)
Went to the climbing wall today, and was able to get up the chimney (basically a circular hole in the ceiling about 6ft diameter). I haven't been able to do this for many years (i am carrying too much weight presently, which doesn't help)
This week is going to be busier than usual, ending in a medical examination on Friday which could lose me my incapacity benefit (my mobility may be improved, but mentally I have deteriorated in recent years). Will be taking my daughter who will confirm what a nutter I can be at times.
today I chose not to access porn. boy does it feel good!
Unico
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Post by want2quit22 on Aug 12, 2007 20:33:07 GMT -5
unico,
Hope your medical goes your way. Thanks for the affirmation in milestones and continued success in your journey.
want2quit22
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Post by unico on Aug 13, 2007 16:24:37 GMT -5
Thanks for your post want2quit22, I wish you every success as well in your recovery.
Nothing much to report today, vol. work in a.m., Simpsons movie in eve (recommended)
Will be going in to old voluntary job tomorrow. Have no idea how I will cope, but no point stressing about it, I will either sink or swim (hopefully the later) Resolve to stay away from porn solid right now.
take care everyone
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