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Post by unico on Jun 14, 2007 17:48:43 GMT -5
Goal: to eliminate the use of pornographic media from my life.How have I achieved 167 days porn free so far? (up to 9th Nov 07)
I did whatever it took to make it to 100 days without using porn. My interim goals were 7, 14, 21, 30, and 60 days. I was using the 12-step method of 'just one day at a time' to get me to 100 and it was a real struggle up to the first 30 days, became easier still after 60, and now post 100 days requires me to be vigilant rather than 'white-knuckling'.
After 100 days, and following discussion with Wes (Webmaster) I switched my approach to using the Rational Recovery method to recovery. This entailed that I commit to Never using Porn Media again. I figured if I could go over 3 mths without porn I was ready to take on the goal of eliminating it from my life.
If you would like futher reading on Rational Recovery you can find a RR thread on the Recovering Addicts Forum, or if you want to see how a group of us has tackled our addiction in a Behavioural way then take a look at the Secular Circle in the Accoutability Circles Forum - we have some erudite postings from FerdBerfil, Arctic, Amaninfull, Rockwell and Manic among others
If you doubt your ability to permanently remove porn from your life, then consider this - before I came to this board I had repeatedly tried and failed to stop using porn. If anything my addiction became worse and my depression deepened. What changed for me was it became more painful for me to continue porning than embrace the porn free alternative. I would go so far as to say the more hopelessly addicted you feel the BETTER your chances of changing will be. If you feel your addiction is manageable you are less likely to be motivated to change permanently. A final note, relapses in your recovery are not an innevitable part of the process once you truly decide to stop, nor do I feel it is essential to give up MB in order to stop your addiction to porn media. It's up to you to decide if MB needs to go to ensure you stay porn free. Keep an open mind and resist any blanket advice on the subject.
I wish all of you well in beating your addiction(s).
UnicoRemember as Satre stated 'What is not possible is not to choose'[/b] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAY 19 (14th June 2007) Taking one day at a time. Today MB'd for 2nd time since starting on my goal. Felt better and less tense after. No, I don't feel I have 'slipped' - I would far rather MB infrequently, than risk becoming increasingly sexually tense and slipping in my resolve not to access porn. If it proves necessary to eliminate MB in order to achieve my goal then I will do so. Intend to keep posting in this journal and on the boards in order to keep me focused on my goal. This site is a great resource. Went to yoga at my local gym tonight and am hoping it will not aggravate my back (am optimistic on this front) as it's a friendly class and it will keep me busy on a Thursday evening.
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Post by unico on Jun 16, 2007 11:30:44 GMT -5
DAY 21
Note to self - I am addicted to porn, I will always be susceptible to porn, and I will never be able to dip into it without being sucked right back into my addiction. The only choice I have is to choose not to view it. To believe otherwise is foolish in the extreme.
Another day without porn, just keep going one day at a time, I don't need to look ahead, each additional day gives me hope.
My life may feel pretty hopeless right now, but if I can work on my goal here, it may give me the confidence to see I can work on change and inpact positively on other areas of my life.
Apologies to anyone reading my English, I know I am prone to mangle my syntax, but it seems more important to get down what I feel than spend too long on trying to get my sentences right.
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Post by unico on Jun 17, 2007 8:20:00 GMT -5
DAY 22
I am using the following positive affirmation each morning, and throughout the day to assist in my recovery - 'For today I choose not to look at porn'. I will look into additional support, be it the 10 keys ebook or contacting an SA meeting close to me.
I have confided my PA to the people on this board and my psychotherapist, but I still feel pretty alone with this addiction.
I have yet to recover from losing my girlfriend in December last year. Too be brief, we were very much in love, but in October 06 I was admitted to psych hospital in a bad way (toxic confusion/death threats to neighbour/suicidal), and eventually had to give up my rented accomodation. I am presently in temporary housing, waiting for a suitable home to move into. I have been given a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from psychological and physical abuse as a child). Anyway, my GF was the one to end our relationship and it has been an enormous blow to me.
My life feels like it has been blown apart by recent events, and it feels like I have had very little control in this unfolding mess. The precipitating event in my emotional 'breakdown' was starting an employment retraining course in Oct 06. In the space of 3 days my GF lost the man she knew to be replaced by a vulnerable child (the course triggered memories of psych abuse as a child).
In trying to tackle my addiction to porn, I am trying in a small but nonetheless significant way to gain some control back over my life.
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Post by unico on Jun 18, 2007 17:50:30 GMT -5
DAY 23
Struggling with depression today, but my resolve not to give in to my porn addiction is solid presently. I think my addiction to porn is just the tip of an iceberg, there is so much unhappiness under the surface that needs to be tackled. At least I have a good psychotherapist to offload my misery.
On the plus side, I can trust myself to be on the internet tonight without accessing porn, despite having had a beer and a couple of glasses of rum and theoretically made more susceptible to porn surfing because of said alcohol. I am working on the principal if I don't think I can trust myself not to look at porn before I log onto the internet, I shouldn't log on, full stop.
I have always been sceptical of using affirmations, but I honestly feel an affirmation is helping me presently. I begin my day by saying to myself 'for today, I choose not to look at porn' and repeat it on occasion throughout the day.
Another day, another 50 pence in the box. One day at a time, keep focused on the moment.
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maus1
Junior Member
Posts: 65
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Post by maus1 on Jun 19, 2007 15:50:37 GMT -5
unico, keep it up my friend. I'll be keeping up track of your progress. I know you can do it.
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Post by unico on Jun 19, 2007 17:19:53 GMT -5
DAY 24
Thanks for the vote of confidence Maus1.
Went to the support group for people suffering with depression that I co-run this evening. It helps being in an environment where I can be honest about my experience of depression, and although I have chosen not to disclose my PA in this setting I do feel the evening has done me good. Need to lift my mood further, so intend getting in some exercise over the next couple of days to get the endorphines rushing. I should be attending an AGM related to the voluntary work I do 2morrow eve, but it is more important I think of myself presently, and use 2morrow night to play some sport to aid my mood. At least I can report here that my resolve with regard to avoiding porn has remained firm for today.
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Post by unico on Jun 20, 2007 17:29:30 GMT -5
DAY 25
Got out tonight, and played some badminton with friends despite having increased back pain (I couldn't even get comfortable in bed reading a book this p.m.) Just noting each additional day that I am not viewing porn feels good right now.
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Post by unico on Jun 21, 2007 17:31:50 GMT -5
DAY 26
I was on the internet this p.m. and felt I could have easily weakened and taken a look at porn. The compulsion passed, but it has made me wary not to become complacent and just assume because I have made good progress so far, I will automatically be able to resist. My affirmation about choosing NOT to view porn is helping me enormously. It reinforces I have a choice about viewing porn - choice being the operative word.
Have made arrangements to get out and socialise this Saturday evening, which will make getting thru the weekend easier to handle (I generally have less activity going on at w/ends and can feel more isolated as a consequence.)
I want to make it to day 30 and continue to remain clean, but I have to do it one day at a time
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Post by unico on Jun 22, 2007 14:35:07 GMT -5
DAY 27 Got my car back today from the garage, felt completely lost without it. Hopefully get another year out of it, poor thing! Getting close to the 30 days porn free now, and my resolve will be tested when I try to clock up the days thereafter (it's realising that I am committing myself to a new way of life that is scary). Finding posting and reading here helps daily, at least I don't feel I am completely on my own with this. My goal is to remove porn media from my life. I'm not setting myself the targets others are of choosing to be MB free, fantasy free, or even 'sexual release free' as I read on one of the posts today. My desire to MB has diminished considerably since I gave up the porn. I'm not in this to become an ascetic, but to feel 'normal' about my sexuality (using porn, I definitely feel an isolated freak). All the best to any fellow addicts reading, I welcome any post of encouragement (or criticism)
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Post by JohnG on Jun 23, 2007 4:40:48 GMT -5
Unico,
Good work. You are already at four weeks. Keep up the good work. Don't ever let your guard down. It will seem to get easier but when you least expect it the thing will strike. The biggest mistake we all make (myself included) is complacency. It is a natural tendency - we start going whole days without thinking a single thought about P and we forget that it has so much power over us. And though the urges become less frequent and even weaker (in general), they can still strike months later with seemingly the same force they had the first week.
A don't mean to be defeatist - to the contrary, you have a great start - most of the people who come here post a half dozen times and are gone - the vast majority in fact. Then others come and get into a pattern of repetitive slips that is very hard to get out of. You are rare in that you have made a good start. Protect and nourish what you have started. It is so precious.
JohnG
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Post by unico on Jun 23, 2007 23:42:16 GMT -5
DAY 28
Great Saturday night, out socialising with friends. Finished off evening in the hosts hot-tub in the garden. Not been able to switch off brain since getting home, so am writing this at 0538 in UK so will probably sleep into p.m. I have been experiencing increased insomnia in the last few weeks, which may well be the side effect of tackling my porn addiction. Hope sleep gets back to normality soonest, as don't know whether coming or going presently. Another day, another dollar in the pot. I will hit my 30 day target, just need to keep on going and not assume I am becoming immune to the lure of porn. All the best
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Post by unico on Jun 24, 2007 17:01:13 GMT -5
DAY 29
Had chance to reflect today on how I felt more connected with friends last night. I frequently feel on the periphery in social situations, something I put down to my experiences in childhood, but last night I felt valued and engaged. For the first time since breakup with GF last Dec I felt the chances of me meeting someone else were not impossible, but I have yet to fully come to terms with the loss of my relationship. I feel I need to start dating again, but have yet to meet someone I feel sufficiently attracted to. But that's ok, at least I am thinking about it, and not cutting myself off from the opportunity to meet new people. I sometimes wonder how I have managed to make it nearly 30 days now without porn. From reading here on these boards, my struggle has been less tortuous than most. Of one thing I am certain though, if I slip I will sucked back into my old behaviour of hours spent pointlessly searching for an elusive porn image, knowing all the time that porn never delivers for me. What I desire is intimacy, and porn is the antithesis of intimacy. For today, I choose not to view porn
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Post by unico on Jun 26, 2007 11:25:11 GMT -5
DAY 31 Well I've managed a whole month without porn, and it feels good to have reached my first target. Now the hard work will begin. I need to avoid becoming complacent and to remember how miserable I felt when using porn. For anyone reading, here is what has worked for me so far:- 1/. Starting each day with the following affirmation For today, I choose not to view pornography The important word for me is choose. It reinforces a sense of control in my behaviour. Not choosing, means not taking responsibility, and leaving myself open to temptation. 2/. Before I go on my computer I repeat the above affirmation to myself. 3/. If I don't feel confident I can use the PC without accessing porn, I won't use it. 4/. Reminding myself that what I want most from a partner is intimacy. Porn is the antithesis of intimacy. It will never satisy me. 5/. Avoiding watching any television programmes of an overtly sexual nature. 6/. Using this site to seek advice and support, and to encourage others in their struggle. Also to post regularly in my journal. 7/. Disclosing to someone (my psychotherapist) that I am addicted to porn. Just being able to confide my addiction face to face has lessened some of the power it has over me (it is no longer a secret). 8/. Putting aside 50 pence (1$) for every day I remain porn free. If I get to 100 days I can spend the £50 on a luxury. If I fail to remain porn free I will donate whatever is accumulated in the pot to charity. (following system suggested here) 9/. Reminding myself I am only a mouse click away from relapse If someone as (expletive)ed up as me can get this far, so can you, and beyond.
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Post by unico on Jun 28, 2007 18:32:41 GMT -5
DAY 33 Another day without that (expletive) called porn in my life. It feels like I am working hard to stay clear of porn, but because I don't follow the orthodoxy of no MB followed by vast majority on this board I feel somewhat of an outsider. Still no different from how I have felt most of my life, so no change there!! Keeping busy is keeping me mentally sound and focused on my goal of keeping porn away from my life.
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Post by unico on Jun 29, 2007 16:39:20 GMT -5
DAY 34
Got a clear understanding last night how my brain has become hardwired to seek porn in even the most innocuous images. I was looking on Google images for ideas for an avatar when i spot a thumbnail image of a women in an embrace with a man. I couldn't see the man initially but I was drawn in by the image of the woman's back. My brain was automatically seeking out the porn potential on offer. I need to be careful in future when accessing any image libraries online. Another day under my belt. Keeping busy presently, work in a.m. and badminton in p.m. My daughter has split up with her boyfriend (again) so I will be on emotional support duty this weekend. Wish I could make life easier for her, she is a great daughter and immensely supportive to me when I get very depressed. I was struggling with back pain earlier in the week, but have been in less pain over last couple of days. Got a bit freaked out by the increase in pain because it is often hard to work out whether there is a physical cause, or if pain is more psychological. Anyway looking forward to weekend
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