|
Post by JohnG on Jun 30, 2007 18:22:08 GMT -5
It feels like I am working hard to stay clear of porn, but because I don't follow the orthodoxy of no MB followed by vast majority on this board I feel somewhat of an outsider. Unico, I am sorry that you feel this way. I am sorry we make you feel this way. I hope you understand that a lot of this attitude (and I am probably the biggest offender) comes from having been here for about six months and seen literally hundreds and hundreds of people come here, say that masturbation is normal, it doesn't lead me to porn, etc. and then disappear. I then look at Guy, Geoff, Wes, TimM, Ian, Namaste, and all the other people who are having long term success and guess what they have in common? I am in no way trying to harp on this subject. What I am saying is that while you should not be made to feel the outsider, it is somewhat logical that many people are skeptical. I can't begin to count the number of people who I have seen in my short time here make the same arguments, over and over, only to fall down. There comes a point when it becomes nearly impossible to have an open mind on the subject. I do wish you success. It is not important to me that I be right - I would much rather be wrong than see you slip and never come back. I hope you are the one to make me eat my words. Please forgive me and any others who have made you feel left out. We are all in this together and we need each other. I am sorry. JohnG
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 1, 2007 17:52:55 GMT -5
DAY 36
Got to the gym today and had a good workout. Feeling determined to stay away from porn, but can see how easy it is to become triggered by sexual images. They are everywhere on the net - was looking on photobucket [?] last night at hifi related images and up pops a topless model on one of the thumbnails. I quickly looked away and closed the page, and i am grateful for my response. I am generally avoiding surfing the net, preferring to stick to what needs to be done, unless I feel confident I won't slip. Wish it didn't take me so long to compose posts on this board. I should be much quicker and clearer in my replies (I can only seem to plod along at the moment), but I have always been better with verbal skills than the written word. I know I mangle the syntax but I try my best to convey my meaning.
For today, I CHOSE not to view porn. For that I am grateful.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 2, 2007 16:43:42 GMT -5
Another day without porn for which I am grateful. Have posted a thread on the Recovery Board to see if anyone else is trying to be porn free (without needing to be MB free). Getting some interesting responses and will reply again when not under the effects of two strong beers as I am tonight. The fact that I feel confident enough to come on the internet tonight despite the two beers is a good sign for me. In the past all resolve went out the window when it came to surfing porn after a few beers. Every day without porn is a blessing (I am an athiest, so make of that what you will)
For today, I CHOSE not to view porn.
|
|
|
Post by ferdberfil on Jul 2, 2007 19:17:33 GMT -5
Hi unico-
I don't think you should feel like an outsider for choosing to continue to MB while abstaining from P. I don't MB myself right now, but it's not because I'm convinced there is some rock-solid connection between MB abstention and P abstention. I'm just being perfectionistic.
Please continue to post and don't feel like you're an outsider. I want you to continue to chronicle your success here. I absolutely believe your path can succeed - I think there are many different paths to the same destination, and yours is very likely one of them - you just have to stick with it.
-FB
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 4, 2007 19:06:49 GMT -5
Thanks for your post Ferdberfil, it's much appreciated, especially coming from someone who has notched up a good term of sobriety. I am doing my best to keep porn free, MB is a non-issue to me, unless of course it interferes with my primary goal.
Had quite a bit of low back pain today, and it has left me feeling perplexed as to what has been the trigger. I certainly pushed myself in the Yoga I tried recently, so that has to go until I am in less pain.
Still, got to badminton tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it (am able to shutout my perception of pain in the short term), but I am suffering now, so need to get to bed soon.
Pleased to have another day porn free under my belt
noncense - justification by paedophiles for the abuse they commit.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 5, 2007 18:52:05 GMT -5
Good to have made it to day 40 without porn.
I have been accepted into an accountability circle today, and I hope it will provide some extra support in controlling my addiction. Have been reading plenty about 'addict-speak' on the general board tonight, and am heartily sick of it. I just need to concentrate on getting throught each day, using what is currently working for me, and not getting so vexed reading 12 step this, 12 step that, addict-speak this, addict-speak that, Blah Blah Blah. Note to self, don't need to challenge Guy on his tolerance of paedophiles even though I am sorely tempted. I don't have the emotional energy to get involved in lengthy discussion with someone who is as fixed in their opinion on the matter as I am in mine. (Note to any readers - I am using this journal to let of steam for my own benefit. If I want to engage in serious dicussion I will use post on discussion boards. Don't want to put you off posting comments in my journal, but I just need to rant for a bit now and then.)
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 7, 2007 17:07:23 GMT -5
DAY 42 Another day without porn and feeling good. Just wanted to log into my journal to note my progress. I have been happier without porn - a fact I must remember if i am tempted to access it again For today I CHOSE not to view pornography. I am grateful for that. For today I felt validated in my not choosing to give up MB. I may be in a small minority on this board, but I am not alone, and for that I am grateful. I am addicted to pornography I am not addicted to MB. In my experience they do not go hand in hand (no pun intended) Unico
|
|
|
Post by speedway on Jul 7, 2007 17:50:44 GMT -5
Hi unico
I'm one day behind you and that feels good. Anyway, I just wanted to say, do it your own way - and you're doing great. I think everyone has to find their own way and define their own problems and solutions. We give and receive support and advice, but in the end each of us has to work our own recovery.
Take care man
speedway
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 9, 2007 18:32:57 GMT -5
Another day without porn for which I am grateful. I feel fortunate in comparison to some struggling here as my goal is to remove porn media from my life only. I read about people struggling with MB addiction, fantasy worries, worries about religion, worries about their partner and I think I have it much easier, whereas in truth I am just as vulnerable in my porn addiction. I am aware, should I slip, I will likely go on a porn binge and that will set me back big time. I should not minimise my addiction - it is no less powerful because I have been able to resist porn for today. Had a better day at work, avoided getting to stressed about a particular task. Looking forward to short break looking after a friends dogs while she has surgury. The change of scenery should do me good
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 10, 2007 17:11:08 GMT -5
Feeling depressed today. Just know that no matter how depressed I get I will fight the urge to view porn. Sometimes (like today) not viewing porn seems to be the only solid thing I can hold onto. It may not be much of a life but at least I have been porn free these last 45 days, and that counts for something. I just need to go to bed and get some rest. I will succeed. I wll fight and I will remain porn free because I feel more like a human being. I may hurt more but I need to feel the pain and not mask my misery in the sh##hole that is porn.
Today I chose not to view porn, and that feels good!!!!!!!!!! even if all else feels sh## right now.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 15, 2007 14:54:36 GMT -5
Have reached 50 days without porn, for which I am grateful. Struggling with depression right now - sometimes it feels like the only things keeping me going are staying alive for my daughter and having my goal to eliminate porn from my life. So much feels so very tenuous in my life, that I am actually grateful for having something (my porn addiction) to fight in my life. How sad is that? Posting here is getting me through another day and giving me, however small, something to hope for. I just hope I don't relapse because I fear becoming more depressed. If I can't build something in my life, I can at least avoid adding to my misery by using porn.
Not a happy bunny presently. Need to try to folow Namaste's advice and let the depression pass.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 16, 2007 16:32:47 GMT -5
DAY 51
Went to see La Vie on Rose at the cinema tonight (life story of Edith Piaf) and was engrossed enough not to be put off by the subtitles. Feeling real sorry for myself right now - after leaving cinema fantasised about throwing myself from upper level of shopping mall to end this misery. It would be a relief to feel nothing right now, instead of this living death. At least I am still able to steer clear of porn presently, but there has to be more to life that not ending my life, and not viewing porn. I've just got to ride this depression out, but i am tired of everything right now.
I chose not to view porn today, and that however small a step is still worth something.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 17, 2007 16:29:12 GMT -5
Day 52
For today I chose not to end my life and not to view porn. That is enough.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Jul 18, 2007 17:12:42 GMT -5
day 53
Not a good morning at the voluntary work I do. I need to find something that engages me more if i am to progress. Got to badminton tonight, played like sh## but couldn't care less, it was enought just to be out tonight.
|
|
|
Post by JohnG on Jul 18, 2007 18:38:19 GMT -5
Unico,
Hang in there. I know that sounds trite but there is no other way. We have used porn for years to medicate ourselves into oblivion and now we have to face those feelings we have always been trying to avoid. This is one of them. Learning new strategies for coping with these unfamiliar feelings will likely be necessary (I think so anyway).
In the meantime we have to slog through each day.
I feel good today but I suspect it will not last. Trouble is coming and I better get ready. But I am grateful for one day of peace and quiet in my head.
Your friend,
JohnG
|
|