Unico's journal

[unico]

day 54

Better day today. Getting out last night helped. Will be taking more of a back seat in the depression support group I co-facilitate. Hopefully it will enable me to open up more.
Have decided to be direct in stating my dislike for certain tasks in my voluntary job. I really need to change to a voluntary job that is less office based, but I don't have the energy presently. In the meantime I can at least learn to be more assertive in what I'm being asked to do presently.
Porn free for today. This site is a godsend (here speaks an athiest).

p.s. thanks for the post JohnG

[unico]

day 55

For today no porn. Better day at work, but I will need to find something more suitable. Got to badminton tonight only to find it wasn't on - had a swim instead. Must go, back is killing me.

[unico]

day 56

Back pain high today, and all because I went for a sauna/hot tub/steam room/swim session yesterday. I don't know why doing any of the above triggered a high level of pain, but it sure as hell hurts. Anyway no porn today. Need to stop sitting and lie down again, or go for walk, anything but post here which will have to wait.

[JohnG]

Hey Unico,

Sorry about the back pain. Congratulations on your sobriety. Please keep up the good work.

Your friend,

JohnG

[unico]

day 57

back pain was vicious last night. It's been many months since I have experienced pain so high. Have had a better day today, an old friend came over and we went out for an Indian meal. Met up with my daughter earlier in day. It was good to catch up with her, hearing about her recent job interview and BF issues.
For today, I chose not to view porn. For that I am grateful.

Unico

[unico]

day 58

Need to be much more alert to potentially triggering images. I was on another forum today (wristwatches) when I had to seriously check myself for my behaviour. Another user was displaying a deeply misogynistic image of a female with his posts, and my 'porn eye' was drawn into taking a closer look at the detail of the image. I 'thought' I was looking to confirm the image was definitely that of a female, but really I was trying to extract the maximum sexual information from the image. This is exactly the sort of 'zoning in' I would use when surfing porn images.
I now wonder if I can continue to use that site again. Why does a forum about wristwatches tolerate an image that would likely offend most women in my opinion. I am going to come up against this problem again and again using the internet. I wasn't out to seek porn, don't consider my behaviour a slip, but it sure as hell made me feel sick inside later zoning in like that

For today I chose not to view porn, but my 'porn eye' was on full alert for sexual information. I must learn from the experience.

Unico

[unico]

day 59

That image from yesterday is still bugging me. I would describe it as pornographic in its intent, rather than explicit in detail. It's the fact I went back to it that bothers me.
I need to concentrate on the positive. Yes, my behaviour freaked me out, but I didn't seek out porn after, or MB. I checked my behaviour before it could escalate. It was a danger sign, and as such it was a wake up call to be vigilant on the net.
Got to the gym today, spoke to and had a laugh with my daughter, despite us both feeling pretty miserable presently.
I haven't the energy to look for alternative vol. work presently. I need to ride out my depression, keep exercising and stay active.
For today I chose not view pornography, not to beat up on myself and allow myself to laugh.

Unico

[JohnG]

How are you doing today Unico?

I hope you are doing a little better. You have come so far. When this stuff is bugging us, that is perhaps the time to up our involvement in the board.

You said this yesterday in your accountability circle:

unico said:

just checking in.
...Been depressed recently, so not posting much presently. For this i make no apologies. As long as I continue to be porn free I am making progress regardless of my mood.

Unico

I am not being argumentative when I say that I disagree that merely staying free of pornography is equivalent to progress. I was for a long time free of pornography and at the same time sliding backwards. If you are depressed that is a dangerous place to be in because for most of us viewing pornography is an escape from uncomfortable feelings. Our defenses are lowest when we are feeling not well.

If you were my best friend in the world I would tell you the same thing: up your presence at the board if you are feeling depressed. You were a strong poster before and it was not because you were feeling good. You were feeling good because you were reading and posting a lot.

This is solid advice Unico. I hope you take it because I did not when others were telling me the same thing and I paid a heavy price.

Your friend always,

JohnG

[unico]

day 60

thanks for the advice John. I may have been posting a lot previously, but feeling good?, no.

[JohnG]

unico said:

day 60

thanks for the advice John. I may have been posting a lot previously, but feeling good?, no.

What I meant was your voice sounded stonger and more confident. You sound discouraged right now. That is what worries me.

JohnG

[unico]

For today, I chose not to view porn. That's enough.

[unico]

Kept busy with plenty of housework today. Have been neglecting it recently, and my diet, but since I have acquired a replacement fridge/freezer recently I was able to stock up on chilled goods today at the supermarket.
Just trying not to think ahead at the moment and concentrate on lifting my mood. It seems to be working presently. Aim to get to the gym 2morrow pm and get some endorphins flowing.

For today I chose not to view porn. I definitely want to reach the point where I can say to myself 'why would i want to use porn?' (reply given by Namaste in one of his posts).

Unico

[unico]

Voluntary work went well today, it's enough presently just to keep going in. I can investigate something else in future. I just need to get my head back on track and stop thinking about tomorrow, just live in the day.
Got to the gym this p.m. Have gained half a stone since i joined so i really need to make more effort with my diet/intake if I am to lose weight!
Concerned about a member in my Accountability Circle who has not posted for a while. His posts have had a positive effect on me, so am just waiting, and hoping he is all right.
For today I chose not to view porn. For that, and this board, I am grateful.

Unico

[unico]

Have decided I must get my weight down to under 13 and a half stone. Will give me something else to aim for. Feeling a bit low presently, but I will not let in any excuse to use porn. Feels scary that fighting this addiction means i am in for the long haul. There are no quick or easy fixes to my addiction. Acceptance of my addiction, means letting in the possibility that I may have to actively monitor my behaviour for the rest of my days.
I need to acknowledge that alcohol can amplify my emotions, even after one glass of wine. I can still stay away from porn but I cannot fight of depression so easily, and alcohol can lower my mood.

For today I chose not to view pornography

If I were to use porn I am fully aware I would be a stupid ****. There is no excuse for using it. It rots the soul.

Unico

[unico]

Tiring day today, but fruitfull non the less. Felt more connected at work, crashed out in bed this pm (back pain just worn me out) but was still able to do badminton tonight. Need to use tomorrow productively and not waste my free day.
Will be out Friday and possibly Saturday evening, which will make a change for me.

For today I chose not to view porn, for which I am grateful

Unico