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Post by unico on Aug 14, 2007 17:35:48 GMT -5
didn't get to old voluntary job today, but still aim to go back if I can. Lot of pain right now, just need to get to bed. Fighting depression group went well tonight.
For today I chose not to view porn. For that I am extremely grateful
goodnight everyone
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 15, 2007 15:02:26 GMT -5
Another day free of porn, and also making progress on the ex GF front. My mantra will remain non of my (expletive)ing business on the ex GF front. My attitude on the porn front is no matter what the stresses of my day, there is no excuse for porn. Throw all the (expletive) at me daily but I will NOT use.
take care everyone
Unico
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Post by arctic on Aug 16, 2007 7:19:42 GMT -5
Got a clear understanding last night how my brain has become hardwired to seek porn in even the most innocuous images. I was looking on Google images for ideas for an avatar when i spot a thumbnail image of a women in an embrace with a man. I couldn't see the man initially but I was drawn in by the image of the woman's back. My brain was automatically seeking out the porn potential on offer. I need to be careful in future when accessing any image libraries online. Hi man, I can so relate to this. Google image searches are an absolute no-no for me now... I started using them to find avatars and stuff, but I soon escalated into using them for acting out. I know what you're saying about our eyes always seeking out porn in everything. Just one little glimpse of a woman in a google image search thumbnail, and already I would be feeling pretty unstable. There's something about seeing a woman in a thumbnail that really presses those old addictive buttons... I don't know if there are any (near) 100% safe ways of searching images and avatars on the net. Perhaps someone else would know. Anyways, all the best to you today Unico and I catch up with you in the circle. Arctic
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Post by unico on Aug 16, 2007 17:54:45 GMT -5
Thanks for your post Artic.
Book group tonight. Went well. Good to get out and distract myself from concern of medical tomorrow. No point getting stressed it. Just have to ensure I do not minimize my situation tomorrow. No porn today, for that I am grateful
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Post by unico on Aug 17, 2007 5:34:37 GMT -5
Had Medical examination this a.m. to assess my ability to work. Explained to the Doctor that in addition to my chronic back pain I have been given a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by my Psychiatrist. He reassured me I should be able to continue to receive my benefit, which came as a great relief. I will be away for the weekend to see some old friends, so will not post again until I return. take care everyone
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 20, 2007 14:13:51 GMT -5
back home after a long weekend break with friends. Aim to go into my old voluntary job 2morrow (didn't make it last week), I just need to get my arse back in there and stop being so scared of failure, I did the job before I can do it again, so what if I struggle to begin with. Still porn free and very grateful for absence of that filth in my life.
I want that 100 days free of porn under my belt (early Sept) but I know I can only get there one day at a time. And when I get there I will set my aim again for 101, 102, 103 and on. I will buy some cd's with the £50 I have earnt on this voyage (but, only if I get to 100)
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 21, 2007 16:55:16 GMT -5
well I made it into the old voluntary job 2day and survived the morning. It went better than I anticipated. The work was something I could formerly do well, but after my emotional collapse last October I was as vulnerable as a child and unable to function at all. Anyway, have agreed to go in next week. I need the interaction with people despite my fear of failure, and today was a positive step. Been in a lot of pain this pm (just a consequence of a lot of driving, and not being active enough when staying at my friends). Expect pain to be high for next couple of days, so will just have to tough it out. Another day free of porn media for which I am grateful. I need to stop seeing myself in terms of being damaged, and concentrate on what I can offer to others, and how I can continue to grow emotionally. Take care everyone
Unico
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Post by rockwell on Aug 22, 2007 11:13:52 GMT -5
UNICO - YOu can do it! YOu can make it past 100 days. To infinity and beyond! I have scanned your journal and you are on the right path. YOu are right in concentrating on what you can offer others and not seeing yourself only as someone that is damaged. Remember that damage can be repaired. One day at a time, my friend. rockwell
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Post by unico on Aug 22, 2007 16:47:45 GMT -5
Thanks for the posting of support Rockwell. I will get to 100 days and beyond if I fight my battle one day at a time. Managed to finish clearing my paperwork today. Back pain has been intense today. Did not go to badminton tonight as it would only agravate my back further. Have polished off half a bottle of wine tonight and it has had no effect on reducing my pain (sometimes alcohol helps me to relax into, and tolerate my pain better) Have managed another day without porn in my life, nor have I m/b in some time (suits me just fine - I am not against m/b in principle). I expect a letter tomorrow offering me permanent accomodation which I need to view (I am currently in temporary housing - very quiet - but I am not able to continue to live here). I will take my daughter with me to view the new flat. I have a very low tolerance to other people's noise, and my fear is I will move into a noisier environment and be unable to cope properly (I have PTSD). I need to discuss the matter at time of viewing to ascertain what will happen if I can't cope, and need to move again. Anyway, must try to remain positive. At least I am feeling less depressed right now, and that has to be a good thing take care everyone
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 23, 2007 15:11:18 GMT -5
Much better day 2day painwise. Even got to the gym this pm and had a good session. Feel much better for it. Will watch some comedy on tv tonight and relax with a couple of glasses of wine.
For today, I chose not to view porn, for that I am grateful
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 25, 2007 14:03:43 GMT -5
Well I seem to have failed yet again to ensure I am not so isolated over a bank holiday w/end (I used to love b/hol's when I was in paid employment, now I just loathe them). Must ensure I get to the gym 2morrow and do some food shopping. The gym should lift my mood and tire me out. I am having to tighten my belt financially right now, and consider can I really afford to continue with psychotherapy (£25 per session). Last time I spoke to therapist about how he considered i had progressed, got the typical 'how do you feel about it?' - how the (expletive) should i know, I've always doubted my own opinion, yes I enjoy having someone to disclose to, but what real progress am I making?? Just not sure right now. £100+ per month is a lot of money to me. I have already given notice on my gym membership, and may even take the step eventually to cancel my internet account. Just tired of scrapping by, done it for years Anyway, porn free for today, for that I am extremely grateful Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 25, 2007 18:57:55 GMT -5
I have reserved Rational Recovery (recommended by Wes in the books section of this site) at my local library. Thought it about time I did some reading on addiction. I don't think the 12 step approach is for me, so I need to start somewhere else, and this title has received favourable reviews on Amazon.
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Post by JohnG on Aug 26, 2007 15:33:18 GMT -5
I just wanted to say hello and congratulations on your progress Unico. I really mean it when I say that I happy for you and that I wish you continued success with not only the pornography but with your life in general. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by unico on Aug 26, 2007 15:48:09 GMT -5
Thanks for the message JohnG, wish you were having an easier time of things right now. Got to the gym today and did a good session with the weights - need to make the most of it as my membership exps end of Sept. Have gained 1/2 stone since joining - must be all muscle Anyway looking for a good read, I can fully recommend the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, less than halfway through but is proving to be an excellent read so far. Nothing more to add but - for today, I chose not to view pornography, and my life feels all the better for my sobriety from porn. Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 27, 2007 17:00:21 GMT -5
Went to the cinema tonight with friends to see Knocked Up. Couple of triggering moments where I just had to look away. Disappointed in film, expected there to be a lot more humour in it, especially as reviews have been so positive. For today, I chose not to use any porn, and I am grateful that I am starting to feel a lot better about myself in many respects
Unico
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