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Post by unico on Aug 28, 2007 9:06:45 GMT -5
Just needed to come here and get stuff off my chest. My ex girlfriend called into my place of work today, and to say we were both uncomfortable is an understatement. I want to write her a letter to state simply i am saddened she lacked the courage and honesty to be direct with me and state she wanted no contact with me whatsoever. I just feel so (expletive)ing angry as i expressly requested she be honest with me, and i am left with what feels like an open wound. Why couldn't she just be honest and direct? What was she so frightened of, why couldn't she just be upfront??? If she didn't want friendship or contact of any sort, just say Sooooooooooooo rant over
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Post by unico on Aug 28, 2007 9:08:54 GMT -5
and another thing... I will NOT use this experience to give me an excuse to act out under any circumstances
Life with porn is no life at all. I would rather be dead than back porning again.
Unico
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Post by onmyway to HAPPYNESS on Aug 28, 2007 17:06:25 GMT -5
Way to go Unico! I think u are in the right path to happiness. From I´ve seen what you´ve been saying about your ex, it seems to me that if she is unable to forgive you, its because she is projecting her own frustrations on you. You don´t deserve that. You deserve someone who accepts you totally, the whole package. Samurai
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Post by unico on Aug 28, 2007 17:45:56 GMT -5
thanks for the post onmywaytoHAPPYNESS,
My ex was unaware I had any issues with porn, I am just saddened she could not have been more honest and courageous it stating she wanted no contact with me. I sent her a letter tonight stating as much. I don't expect a reply, but it has been useful to get some of this anger of my chest, and managing to do in the form of a polite letter. I have a lot to learn about letting go and moving on with my life. I must remember my ex's life is none of my (expletive)ing business, sooner or later I will develop the courage to live a life that has some hope in it. My future does not include a life of porn. take care everyone
Unico
p.s. another day without porn, for that i feel blessed.
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Post by unico on Aug 29, 2007 17:21:27 GMT -5
Good day today despite back pain. Enjoyed badminton tonight, good to be doing something I feel skilled at. Today has been a marked contrast to yesterday's nightmare of a day. Am feeling in a fighting spirit with regard to recovery from porn addiction. I do not mean I am feeling overconfident and complacent, but I am feeling a real sense of hope that it is within my power to manage my behaviour, and hopefully in the process challenge some of feelings of resentment towards women, who I perceive as untrustworthy and withholding when my mood takes a downturn (serious issues of anger towards my mother for having such a fcuked up childhood) Anyway, lets not dampen the good vibe of today with past resentments. I am still here and porn free for today. I have chosen to be free of my addiction for today
Unico
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Post by rockwell on Aug 29, 2007 18:59:15 GMT -5
Unico,
Feed that fighting spirit! *Hope* Keep making the right choices!
rockwell
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Post by unico on Aug 30, 2007 16:55:28 GMT -5
Thanks Rockwell, i'm starting to feel hope again in my life.
Been a restful day today (not working), and pain been much better than yesterday. Looking forward to tomorrow, work in a.m. badminton in late pm and maybe out to colleague's leaving do in evening. I am starting to live my life one day at time presently too, and it appears to be having a beneficial effect on my depression right now. I am coming closer to 100 days porn free by the day, but my goal will be 101, 102, 103..you get the picture. take care everyone
Unico
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Post by unico on Aug 31, 2007 14:56:44 GMT -5
I am still here and still fighting, I have it within my power not to fcuk this up, and come hell or high water I will reach 100 days. When I get there I will not stop, become complacent or think I have this thing cracked. I am scared of using the word NEVER right now in my recovery, but one day I hope to use it with as much resolve as Wes. For now, it is enought to say - for today, I chose not to view porn.
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Post by unico on Sept 1, 2007 17:07:30 GMT -5
Today has been useful for teaching me I simply don't have the patience right now for learning to use a new computer program when I can do the job of projecting my financial situation with pen a paper. Computers just make me angry pure and simple. There the truth is out, I just (expletive)ing hate the way they make the simplest of tasks so (expletive)ing longwinded. Rant over.
The frustration I feel at the time wasted this pm on the computer is no excuse to porn. There is never any excuse to porn, especially as porning for me is, yes you guessed it, more wasted time on the computer! At least this pm has taught me why I feel so frustrated at one of the voluntary jobs I do - it's primarily office based and has limited people contact, and I just don't need that right now.
For today I chose not to view porn. Who needs the vile stuff.
Unico
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Post by arctic on Sept 1, 2007 17:24:01 GMT -5
I am still here and still fighting, I have it within my power not to fcuk this up, and come hell or high water I will reach 100 days. When I get there I will not stop, become complacent or think I have this thing cracked. I am scared of using the word NEVER right now in my recovery, but one day I hope to use it with as much resolve as Wes. For now, it is enought to say - for today, I chose not to view porn. Hey Mr. Unico, 'Never' is a scary word isn't it? I've been experimenting with it recently and everytime I say ' I will never use porn, MB, or stare at women again' I feel a slight feeling of discomfort. The beast does not like the prospect of never getting its drug again. Too bad for it then that I happen to like the prospect. Let's do this Mr. Unico! I am right here with you. Arctic
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Post by empower on Sept 2, 2007 2:21:14 GMT -5
Hi Unico - thanks for your post in my journal: it has given me strength and hope.
Best wishes, Empower
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Post by beginning on Sept 2, 2007 2:44:43 GMT -5
Hello, Unico:
Just wishing you well. Breaking out of our isolation by using this board is a blessing for us all.
All the best, Beginning
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Post by unico on Sept 2, 2007 17:16:12 GMT -5
Thanks for the posts Artic, Empower and Beginning. Knowing we are not alone in our struggle makes tackling this addiction more bearable.
I spent a lot of today doing my personal finances - something I have long neglected. Seems like I can continue with the gym and psychotherapy if I choose. Need to discuss with psychotherapist precisely how he thinks he can help me, because maybe I just don't need to be spending £1300 a year. Haven't been abroad since 1981, so a holiday might be a good idea. Anyway, very tired with pain today (too much sitting at pc), but I can report for today, I chose not to view porn, for that I am extremely grateful.
take care everyone
Unico
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Post by beginning on Sept 2, 2007 22:06:45 GMT -5
Well done, Unico.
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Post by unico on Sept 3, 2007 17:08:33 GMT -5
Made first significant milestone today, 100 days free from using pornographic media. I am very tired and in a lot of pain so need to get some shut eye right now
take care everyone
Unico
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