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Post by nm05 on Jun 6, 2007 16:42:42 GMT -5
Hey wtc it's good to see you doing so well. You know we all get urges but I'm glad to see you haven't fallen to any recently. I pray that God may continue to bless you in your journey. Remember man was not created for slavery, you are stronger than any inanimate object because that's what P is, an inanimate object that gives a false sense of intimacy. You are strong, keep up the fight.
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Post by Valjean on Jun 10, 2007 16:36:57 GMT -5
Hi wanttochange, hopefully you'll be back any day now. Just popping by to say I hope your trip's going well.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Valjean
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 11, 2007 14:30:23 GMT -5
Returned from my vacation yesterday where I enjoyed being with my wife and away from the everyday grind. I voiced some concern about looking at the women on the beach and using the three second rule with no second looks. Well, the first couple of days I did OK but it was not easy. The three second rule did help. However, by the third day I was not as tempted to look. In fact I didn't look very much at all. I would have to give myself an A- on following the three second rule and a B on no second looks. I did a lot of thinking about my addiction and my life while at the beach. I realize that I'm in a larger battle than just my battle with my PA. I'm fighting a battle for my life. There are many things in this world that are trying to destroy our lives. I will make fighting this battle each and everyday an adventure. Men are made in God's image. Most of us see God as good, kind and forgiving. And he is these things. But God is the wild one whose image we bear. God is a strong, fierce warrior. This is the man I need to be at this point in my life. Because I am in the middle of a fight for my life. I've asked the question am I a man? I fear that I am not a man. Am I fake? Trying to act as if I am a man? Did my father ever tell me that I would make a good man? I don't remember. My father has always shown me that he was proud of me. His father left him while he was a boy. I never meet his father. I wonder if his father ever told him that he would make a good and strong man? It is not my fault that I can't remember if my father told me that I would make a good and strong man. I have to let go of this issue without contempt and move into the life that God has planned for me. I've asked myself about the rejection of my first love. She was such a large part of my life and I based myself feeling like a man on that relationship. We dated for several years and I never felt that I had what it took to ask her for her hand. The relationship faded and she broke up with me. This wounded me deeply to be rejected by the woman that I loved. It was at this time that my PA became much stronger and I lost my relationship with God. I stop fighting the battle and gave into the evils of the world. I became a drunk and took drugs and stop looking for enjoyment and adventure in life. I now know that this was part of God's plan for me. I was not suppose to be with this woman. God had another woman in mind for me years down the road. God wanted to test me, take everything away from me. I was lost for sometime, but somehow I'm not sure that I knew I was lost or wounded. I found validation as a man by looking at the seductive beauty of the women in P. This lead to strengthen my addiction. I was a fake man. The only voice I heard was the voice of evil. God is the only voice I need. I must learn to listen, to accept his message. God wants me to understand that this is not the life he want for me. God wants me to heal my wounds. God is the source of real strength. O my Strength, I watch for you, you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God. Psalms (59:9) God has lead me into the wound and helped me to heal the wound and out of the wound comes my glory. I now have the heart of a warrior with a battle to fight. There will be times that the traitor within me will try to make me give up the fight. The world, the devil will work and fight behind the scenes out of the darkness to try to get me to give up the fight. I will turn to my real strength, my real courage and not run away. The key to fighting this battle, is not to fight alone. We all are under attack in our thoughts and feelings. We must hang on to the truth, this will not be easy. Stand on what is true and do not let go. Be watchful, especially in the beginning of the temptation, for the enemy is then more easily overcome. God is with us. The evil one will try to attack you every way he knows how, after we have resisted deception and intimidation he will try to get you through boredom. Have discipline to keep open the line of communication with God. Spend time everyday with God. Do whatever brings you back to your heart and the heart of God. You will be wounded in this battle. However, it is an honor to be wounded in the service of the LORD. I will fight this battle one day at a time. I will spend less time thinking about P. I will learn more about relapse prevention. I will learn to better understand my withdrawal symptoms. I know that this is a long post, but I had several things on my mind from over the past week and wanted to get them down in this on line journal. Thanks for reading and for your support. Thanks Mr. Clean for your post, you are correct. I'm trying to get myself ready for the fights that are to come. I'll be returning to your journal to find help. Thanks again. Think Good Thoughts! wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 12, 2007 15:07:22 GMT -5
Feeling great today. Yesterday I didn't think about P very much at all, I'll give myself a 2.
I've worked hard to change my perception of women and how I look at them. I've always enjoyed looking at women, I remember my father looking at a woman and making some type of comment about how she looked. Don't get me wrong, I still like to look at women and people in general. But I've been looking at women lately and saying to myself, what a nice or attractive woman. And that's all. Not, wow look at those ---'- or what a hot --- she has. I've changed my perception of how I see women. I look at them and think, this is someones daughter, sister, mother, or wife. It seems to be helping, a lot of the time I'm not even interested in looking at all.
I've been spending a lot of time reading my Bible and talking to God. This gives me great comfort and lets me know that I'm not alone in this fight. I have the support of my wife and of some of you on this support board. This has helped me as well.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
God is with us.
Change your perception. Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 13, 2007 13:58:21 GMT -5
Feeling good today. A small temptation came in the mail today, a subscription offer to Playboy for only $10.00. Wow! Give me a break, I don't want Playboy in my house, in my life for that matter. Into the trash it went! My past coming back to haunt me. I had a subscription to Playboy for several years, so I guess I'll always be on there list. I'll just have to deal with it.
It's funny because earlier today I was struggling with the idea of how I wanted to look a some pictures of nude women. And then this offer comes in the mail and I realize I don't want to look at these kind of pictures at all. I guess that's a good thing. I guess my perception IS changing. I'll continue to work on changing my perception.
Yesterday I thought very little about P, I'll give myself a 2. I've been trying to keep a record of how much I think about P each day. The following day I give myself a score of 1 to 10, 10 being that I've thought a lot about P. This way I can go back and see what's happening and plan on how to deal with my thoughts. I'm still working on what's to come. I want to be ready when temptation and withdrawal show up.
Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Mr. Clean
Full Member
Clean since 05/03/07
Posts: 190
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Post by Mr. Clean on Jun 15, 2007 4:29:41 GMT -5
Hello wtc024, Your moto "think good thoughts" makes me think of the ancient Persian religion Zoroastrianism. It's phylosophy was: "Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds" Simple and straight to the point... Zoroastrianism is beleived to be the "ancestor" of the current 3 main religions as it was the first to focus on a single God and introduce the paradise and hell concept. I'm not a zoroastrian... just read about it and thought it was ineteresting. you can read more on en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoroaster Stay Clean!
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 16, 2007 13:57:45 GMT -5
I've had a couple of temptations the last day or so, but I'm OK. Feeling good today, looking forward to a get together with friends and my wife.
Thanks for stopping by Mr. Clean and for the information on Zoroastrianism. I haven't had time to check it out yet, but I will. Sounds interesting.
I passed day 75 on Thursday, on to my goal of 100 days. Although I'm trying not to focus so much on the number of days, just each day.
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 18, 2007 15:41:29 GMT -5
I've had several good days this past week, my scores are 6/13 (5), 6/14 (5) a couple of tempting days, 6/15 (2), 6/16 (2), 6/17 (2).
I feel like I had a good model of how a relationship should work growing up. My parents were, for the most part, loving and kind to one another. I don't think that my PA links to stressed relationships in my home of upbringing.
The social system did have an impact on my perception and my PA. T.V. and movies helped to reinforce my thinking of women as sex objects. And the easy availability of my Father's P helped to contribute to my PA.
The availability of P is very tempting. It very easy, too easy to find P. I must stop the temptation, the feeling of wanting to seek out P. P will always be easily to seek out. Realizing these feelings of temptation early and redirecting them is key to staying ahead of the slip. I must remember to ask for the LORD to help me in fighting off the temptation.
I first had sex when I was at the age of 16 (she was 15). I feel that this early exposure to sex had an impact on my PA. I think this increased my curiosity and desire to experience and see sexual things. I had sex with this girl several times, in fact, it seems that that is what the relationship was built on. We acted as if we were in love, but we were not in love , just in lust. This relationship set me up for many unrealistic expectations in relationships for years to come.
If I could not get sex for a girl I was dating, I would turn to P and give up on dating that girl and find another. I began to find validation as a man by looking at the seductive beauty of the women in P. This lead to strengthen my addiction. This, in turn, caused me to isolate myself, because it was much easier to turn to P, than to be rejected by some girl.
Viewing P altered my normal emotional state, the endorphins gave me an emotional high. It was like being on drugs.
I now know that this is part of the reason PA is so hard to break. I've been working on my recovery, by going back into my life and going over the things that I think are connected to my PA in some way or another. I will come back and post more at a later date. Then I will come back and review and think about all these things, so that I don't ever go back to this type of behavior.
Change your behavior. Change your perception. Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 19, 2007 11:42:04 GMT -5
Had a good day yesterday (2).
PA has had an impact on my spirituality, early on I was lost. I felt that I wasn't good enough for God. Now, God plays a huge part in my recovery. I try to keep open the line of communication with God. I try to spend time with God each day. This gives me strength.
I haven't spent a lot of money on P. I guess you could say that I was a cheap addict. However, any money that I've spent on P is too much. P could very easily have an impact on my finances.
I've had many different stashes throughout my PA. Like I said I haven't spent that much money on P, but I wonder if that money had been invested, how much would it be worth? If anyone had ever found my stash I sure that they would have been disappointed.
I've let P impact my effectiveness in accomplishing task at work. At times I've come home to view P instead of staying at work a little longer to accomplish a goal. If I choose work over P, I can be much more productive and effective in my job.
Withdrawal symptoms that I experience are restlessness, anxiety and mood swings. If I am feeling restless, I will clean house, do yard work, take a walk, take a ride or play music. If I feel anxiety coming on I will read my recovery books, read the Bible, pray, write in my journal or write music. If I start to have a mood swing I will journal how my mood makes other feel, work on changing my mood, pray or journal all the things in my life that I should be thankful for.
My perception of sex has been changed by P. Early on I felt that women were only good for my sexual pleasure. I developed unrealistic expectations of sexual acts and female physical attractiveness. Viewing P has reduced the amount of sex I've had with my wife. I've viewed P rather than have sex with my wife. How f'd up is that? From now on I will try to better identify with my wife's feelings. I will show more love and compassion for my wife and try to understand her and her desires.
I am most vulnerable to give in to P when I'm alone, bored and stressed out.
Stimulus (trigger) Seeing a sexy photo, image of a woman, a P magazine.
Thought What will I see - wonder, curiosity.
Emotion Excitement, curiosity, interest, anticipation. The thoughts and feelings that are in my mind.
Chemical Release My body is flooded with endorphins preparing me for what I might see and what could happen. Once this reaction sequence is fully developed in my mind, these endorphins are released into my body before I ever see P. With the release of these endorphins into my body, my body begins to change.
Body Language My heart rate increases, my eyes become dilated and my muscles become rigid. This is when my mind must decide if I'm going to view P. I must respond rather than react.
Thought My body wants to view P now and my mind might tell me; I've done this many times, what's one more. It's no big deal. Nobody will find out. I must respond; I can stop. I don't want to do this. What would my wife think. How will this effect my recovery.
Belief/Hypothesis It's not really that bad. A lot of people are worse. It's my weakness; what can I do? I deserve this. One more time won't hurt. I wonder if this will ever go away? I will not accept this behavior as being okay. I will not authorize these beliefs.
Response/Behavior Do not give in and view P. You will feel remorse. You will feel bad. You will feel shame. You will hurt your wife. You will not help your recovery.
Change your behavior. Change your perception. Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 20, 2007 10:37:03 GMT -5
Yesterday started off as a very good day. I worked for some time on understanding my addiction. Then even after working on my understanding of PA it is still so easy to turn back to the old learned behaviors. I've had these behaviors for over 25 years and they became such a part of who I was that I can not let down the fight for one moment. The moment I give up or let my guard down the old behavior can slip back in without being noticed. Yesterday I walked too close to the edge. I'll give myself a (10). Not a good day at all. I'm beginning to think that spending to much time on this support board causes me to give into thoughts of P. So for the next ten days, the rest of June, when I come to the support boards I will only post in my journal and on threads like Join for June ... I must focus more on my recovery, not on others problems and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot from others post about their problems and the thoughts that they are dealing with that have seemed to help them. I just need to focus on my recovery for a while. I'm coming up on a three month mark of being P free and I will be on my own for the next two weeks. So I must spend some time on my recovery so that I don't come close to the edge ever again. Coming that close to the edge has shown me that it is to easy to slip and I do not want to return to my old behaviors. I have fought to long and hard to return to these beliefs. These are not the beliefs that I want to have in my life and I must make sure that I understand my PA so that I can overcome and walk the path of recovery. I feel like this will help me. I guess we'll see. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20 Thanks be to God! wtc024
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Post by Valjean on Jun 21, 2007 7:10:22 GMT -5
I just read these last few posts again, wanttochange, and I was so touched by the deep introspection you've shown. Coming to terms with how you're feeling once you're out of the fog of lust is so important, and it's obviously so difficult. It's understandable you're feeling so tempted, you seem quite emotional at the moment, these are the barriers we need to push through to greater progress. 3 months is amazing, and we can't make it further without the emphasis on feeling like you've shown. Keep going my friend. It's upwards from here Valjean
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 23, 2007 13:07:34 GMT -5
6/20 (10), 6/21 (10), 6/22 (10) The last four days the temptation has been very strong, the strongest it has been sense I started this battle back at the beginning of April. I've walked too close to the edge on these days and I've been very tempted to slip. Therefore, I will only post in my journal for the rest of the month. I am putting a limit on the amount of time I spend on line and where I will go on line. I can not fall to this temptation and go backward to the behaviors of viewing P.
What is my motivation for change? At first I started out of fear, loss of my wife, disappointing her and punishment from God. I still have these fears, but I've moved to having more of an obligation to my family. I don't want my son to think that this is appropriate behavior. LOVE; I have found true love and intimacy, social, physical and emotional closeness with my wife.
Reduce your exposure. When I get on the internet I can only go to my emails (no my space), this support board (to journal for the rest of the month), band web sites or music web sites, travel web sites and maps and directions. I must stay away from sites like You tube and my space. I will only spend about 30 to 45 mins. on line. I will plan on where I'm going before I go on line. I will then turn off the computer and not return until the next day. I should be cautious of spending more than 45 mins. on line. I should be cautious of random surfing and going over my time limit when no one else is around.
I will go back and review in my journal to help with withdrawal symptoms, to remind me what P does for me now, to review my plan of action when fighting the battle to view P, and to review beliefs that I have that contribute to the addictive behavior.
Turn to me and be gracious to me. for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you. Psalm 25: 16-21
Thanks be to God!
Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 24, 2007 13:14:12 GMT -5
Yesterday was a great day (1) So far today has been great as well.
Recognition of my thoughts is critical to my ability to fight off a craving to view P. After this has been done I need to identify the source, the trigger, and gain insight. Identify and acknowledge the source. You can't relapse if you aren't in that situation.
Giving in to the trigger will bring on feelings of guilt, frustration, hopelessness and a temporary relief from a quick sexual release. Not giving in to the trigger can bring on feelings of inner strength, confidence, more hope, excitement that I can change and unfortunately withdrawal symptoms.
Dealing with my emotions and resolving them will bring positive solutions. I will become less tense and more relaxed. Learning to solve emotional turmoil is extremely valuable in preventing relapse.
I must trust God in his plan for me to overcome this addiction. I must remain open to God's plan. I give my fight over to God, I trust in God to take me into my better life.
If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37: 23-24
Thanks be to God.
Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 25, 2007 12:47:46 GMT -5
Feeling very good today, feeling strong. Yesterday was a great day (1). I'm spending a lot of time with God, trying to keep open the lines of communication. Also working on my recovery, today I've been focusing on relapse.
"Relapse is not an unfortunate event that happens to you; it is a series of bad choices that you make." - Dr. Stanton Peele
These are the things that would most likely bring about a relapse; keeping secrets, limited relationship connections, isolation, inadequate preparation and ignoring emotional issues.
Keeping secrets- Not being honest with myself, lying to myself to avoid feelings of guilt and shame. Tell the truth to an accountability partner, someone that you can be completely open and honest.
Limited relationship connections- I need to increase my empathy and compassion for my wife. I need to learn to better deal with negative emotions in a positive way. Work on positive communication skills. Do better at sharing my emotions and challenges with my wife.
Isolation- Attend more activities; church, open mics, visit with friends more often. Add activities ...
Inadequate preparation- I must make the commitment to learn as much as I can about my addiction. I can not overlook the withdrawal symptoms and the easy access to P. This process will most likely take more than a YEAR. I must prepare a good plan, carry out this plan and review what works and what doesn't work. I must learn from my mistakes and gain more information about how to fight my PA. I will post more on inadequate preparation later....
Ignoring emotional issues- Emotions that may lead to relapse; curiosity, need for excitement, frustration/stress, irritation, anger, boredom, pain, loneliness, worry, fear I've let myself live in a state of emotional numbness. I've found safety in feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that lead to viewing P. I must not ignore my emotions. I must learn how to understand and deal with my emotions, even the negative emotions. Be completely open and honest about what I am feeling and thinking.
Identify your thoughts and feelings. Describe the emotion and it's impact on you. Dig deeper, what is the underlying emotion. Reevaluate how the emotion impacted your behavior. Identify what you would like to have done.
Recognize other's emotions; learn to listen - don't give too much advice - let people talk through their problems and come up with good conclusions on their own - be available.
Make good choices. Think good thoughts. Tell the truth. Care for others. Be available. Listen to others.
I have not stopped giving thanks to you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. Ephesians 1: 16-17
Thanks be to God.
Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Jun 26, 2007 16:43:44 GMT -5
Today has been a good day, I'm feeling much better about myself. It feels good. I'm so grateful. Yesterday was a good day (2).
I've been reading about cybersex, and I'm finding that there are a couple of things that I thought were true while I was viewing P. I would tell myself that cybersex was not real because it is "virtual". Denial. Just because it is "virtual" doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt others. This false thinking makes it very hard to stop. Don't fall into this denial.
Anonymity, people can be anyone they want on the Internet. You can access any type of P somewhere on the Net. To many of the risks have been removed. The Internet has an extraordinary capacity to induce a trance like state. This is one of the reasons it is so hard to overcome.
I'm feeling good today but I miss my wife. She is away working for the next two weeks. I must be careful not to misunderstand this feeling as loneliness. I just miss seeing her, touching her. I'll see her on Saturday, until then I have only the phone calls to enjoy. I'm so grateful for her, she has been a great support for my over these last three months of fighting this battle. She is a strong woman and I love her deeply.
I have a couple of repairmen coming in to remodel a bathroom. They told me that they should be done in about two weeks. This means that they will be just about finished when my wife returns.
It feels great to be P free!
Think Good Thoughts!
wtc024 ;D
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