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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 27, 2007 15:36:45 GMT -5
Today I was out in the local Books A Million book store looking at some new books and to buy a present. And wouldn't you know that the book I was looking for was a row over from the magazine stand. Right there in front of me were these sexy women on the covers tempting me to slip. My heart rate shot up and I could feel my breathing increase. Wow, porn is like a drug. It took all I had to get my book and get out of there. The old thoughts started coming back, telling me it's ok everyone looks at it......... Now I can see how easy it is to slip back into our old behaviors. In the past I would have gone over to the magazine rack a picked out a magazine to take home. And soon I'm sure I would have been on the computer looking up my old sites or maybe some new ones. Close call, to close! When I got home I thought I should post this experience in my journal, so that, I wouldn't forget how this made me feel. Feeling better now that I'm on this site. I've read that these types of feelings can lead to a slip or relapse. Today I had the feelings of curiosity and the need for excitement in viewing the covers of these porn magazines. I wondered what do these women look like in the nude? I got the feeling of excitement from the old, past behaviors that are not that old. Today is the 27th day without porn and I realize that it has not been very long ago that I was viewing porn several times a week. I almost slipped today. This would not have been a good thing. I've almost made my goal of one month without porn. I don't want to go back to feeling like I need to view porn several times a week. I've been feeling so good lately. I feel strong, happy, proud and I don't want to lose these feelings. It's much better than feeling loneliness, boredom, pain, anger, stress and fear. I must continue to move away from these old feelings and behaviors. The new feelings and behaviors have brought much better times to my life in the last 27 days. Yesterday I posted a comment about something that happened to me and today I want to tell a little more about what happened. Yesterday was a very windy day and I saw a very sexy woman wearing a nice sun dress. Well, as you might guess the wind caught her dress and lifted it above her head showing everything. Now this woman was hot, and in the past this would have been a trigger for me to go and view women on a porn site or in a magazine. But all I could and wanted to do was laugh out loud. And how I laughed, I thought that it was great how this was funny to me. It made me feel good about myself. Small steps each day. It would be nice if it were easier to put the past behind me and move on with my life. But it is going to take being very aware of my feelings and staying in control of them. I can't give in to the old feelings of wanting to view porn. I will survive the feelings of withdrawal. I will work through negative emotions. One day at a time. Thank you God for this day, this day free of porn. wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 28, 2007 9:21:55 GMT -5
Yesterday was a tough day, lots of temptations. But yesterday is over and I made it through with out a slip. Today has been a good day so far. I can see the end of my second goal just around the corner. Monday makes one month. Then on to my goal of two months. I wanted to say thanks to everyone that has read my journal and posted comments. It helps to have your support.
Today I'm alone, and I know what that can bring. So I'm going to post a little this morning and move on to some things that need to be done outside. This way I will not stay on the computer all day, it's to dangerous. I don't want to slip.
I hope everyone is doing well. Today is going to be a great day.
wanttochange024
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Lanfear
Full Member
Good will always conquer evil.
Posts: 139
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Post by Lanfear on Apr 28, 2007 10:35:01 GMT -5
Stay away from the Computer Brother. At least for today. It's good that you recognize what happened yesterday and your doing your best to prevent it. Thats all you can ask. Dig deep.
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 28, 2007 14:39:51 GMT -5
Beware of the voice. Don't let it pull you back into your old behaviors. I've got to be strong and fight back the temptation to slip. I think that I should not be so focused on how many days I've gone without viewing porn. I need to focus on going without porn today! wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 29, 2007 20:46:18 GMT -5
Today was a great day ;D How I long to have all my day as good as today. I will try really hard to make each day as good as today.
A few thoughts that were quickly redirected. Otherwise, A very good day.
One more day left in April and on to May. My goal is to do better in May than I did in April.
I will do better to stop the voice. I will do better to stop the thoughts. I will continue to work on relearning my behaviors. I will learn more about my PA.
wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 1, 2007 20:53:22 GMT -5
Today starts my 3rd goal, to make through May! I've been very busy the last couple of days with concerts and practices. Staying busy helps me more than anything. It's the times that I'm not busy that I have to keep the voice in check. Today was a great day! Felt very strong today! Very few thoughts that were quickly redirected to more uplifting thoughts. Prayed several times today, thanking God for a wonderful day. I'm trying to focus on one day at a time and not count how many days I've been P free. I will still keep up with how many days it been. I just don't want to get caught up in counting days. I want to change my way of thinking and the behaviors that it brings about. I've been enjoying how great this world is, blue sky, clouds, wind, trees, grass, flowers... All the wonderful people in this world. I'm trying to think good thoughts. I'm longing to be at the beach with the surf and sand. One more month and I'll get a little time to enjoy this great gift. God has given us so many great things in this world, make sure that you take a little time to enjoy them. You never know how much time you have here. Get out and enjoy life. I think I will. Goodnight. wanttochange024
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Post by Valjean on May 2, 2007 14:01:15 GMT -5
Hi wanttochange, nice post there, I'm glad you're doing well I like your view on the counting of days. It's nice at the beginning to know how far we're getting, it's a good feeling. But soon you have to concentrate on the behaviors and the moral value of your time. And it is to this stage that you have got! And I'm very glad to see it. I love your paragraph there, we need to enjoy every moment! I think that's a key foundation of recovery, it is such a wonderful world - we shouldn't hide from it. I'm looking forward to reading more here and following your progress. Stay strong my friend, Valjean
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 4, 2007 17:16:56 GMT -5
Thanks Valjean! It's been a couple of very busy days, which is good for me. Staying busy helps me keep my mind off of P. I still have thoughts that try to slip into my mind, but I'm having success at redirecting those thoughts to more positive thoughts. However, these lingering thoughts scare me. I don't want to slip. This weekend I plan on working on my plan of redirecting my thoughts and changing my behavior, in hopes of making the plan stronger. Over the past week or so I've enjoyed the simple things of life a little more. Maybe spring time has helped with those feelings. I think that I just feel a little better about myself. Trying to stay strong each and everyday. But I will focus on moment. Planning on making MAY a great month! wanttochange024 ;D
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 5, 2007 11:47:57 GMT -5
Feeling good today. Had a cool dream last night that I was jamming with one of my favorite musicians. We played a song that I had never heard before. When I woke up I wrote down the words and started to put them to music. The song is called Strength of the World, it's about my fight and recovery of PA. I've always been able to write music but I have trouble coming up with words that I like. The words to this song just flowed onto the paper? I don't know why. I think that because I'm feeling better about myself and focusing a lot of my thoughts on my recovery that the words just came out. Kind of cool.
Man I'm glad that I found this site. This site has helped me get my feelings out and to learn to understand my feelings. And all of the people that come to this site and share their stories about recovery have helped me in dealing with my recovery. I'm so very thankful of all of your post on this site.
THANKS!
wtc024 ;D
May you find the strength of the world.
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 6, 2007 19:35:23 GMT -5
Great day today, feeling good, feeling strong. I've been going to church regularly for the past month or two, and I feel like I'm getting closer to God again. It's strange how things that are talked about at church seem to connect to what's going on in my life right now. Thanks be to God. Looking forward to a busy and exciting week. Lots of things on my plate. I will continue to think good thoughts. I don't want the old thoughts to sneak back in to my mind. I will be strong and fight the old behaviors. I don't want to go back to my old behaviors. Think Good Thoughts! wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 8, 2007 19:57:01 GMT -5
;D Feeling Great Today!
It's been a couple of very busy days and I have several busy day ahead. This is great because it help keep my mind off P. I still have a few thoughts that try to sneak into my mind, but I've been doing OK at redirecting these thoughts to better things. I hope that I can continue to redirect the thoughts or the voice as it is sometimes called. Just wanted to post a little tonight, now I'm going to spend time with my SO. She has been so great in her support. I'm sooooo lucky. Thank you God for bringing us together, I'm so grateful for her LOVE. It is my source of strength.
wtc024 ;D
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 10, 2007 17:48:21 GMT -5
Feeling OK today, somewhat herd this afternoon but I'm OK. I've been staying busy this week, this always helps me to keep my mind P free. I've enjoyed spending time with my SO this week, she is such a great support in my recovery. I'm so greatful for her. I'm going to beat this addiction. I'm going to make through May. I'm changing my way of thinking. I'm changing my old behaviors. I will overcome wtc024
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 11, 2007 18:58:14 GMT -5
Somewhat tempted today but stayed in control. The voice was calling. Will the voice ever stop? I will stay in control. I will overcome. I will not let P take any more of my life. I will not let P control my life. I will beat this PA. Today and one day at a time!
Lord help me stay porn free today!
wtc024
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Post by Valjean on May 12, 2007 5:29:18 GMT -5
Keep hanging in there wanttochange, you have a great attitude towards recovery.
Wishing you happiness and peace,
Valjean
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Post by wanttochange024 on May 12, 2007 11:19:34 GMT -5
I've been very busy the past few weeks, however, things are about to slow down for a while. I must start thinking about my recovery more and plan how to stay on top of things without slipping. I'll have a six or seven week period this summer that will be hard, so I must begin planning now.
"As we learn we always change, and so our perception. This changed perception then becomes a new Teacher inside each of us." -Hyemeyohsts Storm
Sobriety to me means to feel normal, not to feel like some kind of pervert. I will not look at or view porn on the computer, in videos or magazines. I will stay away from the sites that I used to view porn. I will use good judgment about what I watch on TV and in movies. I will stay away form the stores that I used to buy P magazines. If I find myself with extra time, I will find something useful to do i.e.(play guitar, piano, my horn...., write in my journal, read and learn more about my problem, visit family or friends). If I'm stressing out, I will think about what is causing the stress and how I can deal with the source of that stress rather than turning to P. I'm most likely to view P when I'm alone and have extra time. So, the next time I now I'm going to be alone with extra time I will make plans to get out of the house to visit friends or family, or I will work on my music, or write in my journal. If this is not enough, then I will exercise or just go for a ride. I must be aware of the feelings that will lead me to the point of wanting to view P. When I start to have these feelings I must put this plan into action.
This is an important post for me, I will come back to this post and read it each time I'm on the support board to remind me of what I must do over the next few months to keep my recovery strong. I WILL CHANGE MY PERCEPTION!
wtc024
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