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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 14, 2007 19:13:35 GMT -5
I thought it might be a good idea to start a journal, so here goes. Today makes two weeks free of viewing porn. I've been reading post on this support board to try to find out what to expect. It sounds like I have a long road ahead of me. I've found several members that give great advise and I tend to look for post from them. But I've been reading alot on this site and it seems to be helping. I started viewing porn when I was about 13 or 14, I don't remember. Some friends exposed me to my first Playboy or Penthouse mags. After some time I found my fathers Penthouse mags. and started looking at them. As I got older I bought my own mags. and videos and started going to strip bars. Until I found porn on the computer and it seemed to get worse. I've been hiding and lying about my PA for years. I've tried to stop before without much success (I don't think I was ready). Now I'm ready to stop for good. I'm tired of hiding and wasting time on PA. I've been reading about PA and how to overcome the behaviors that I've learned during my years of PA. I'm learning new behaviors to replace the old behaviors of PA. As I start down this new path of freedom I will do my best to share the things that work for me, as well as the things that don't work. I want to change my life one day at a time (wanttochange024). I've meet my first goal of two weeks, now on to my goal of 30 days. Sometimes I still begin to think about P and I've been trying to redirect my thoughts as quickly as possible to something more uplifting. Well, there's the first post in my journal. I'll be signing off now to study and learn more about how to beat my PA. wanttochange024
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Post by justjim on Apr 14, 2007 20:20:01 GMT -5
Good luck to you and thanks for sharing with us. I too have found some helpful comments from people here on this forum. I'm not sure that I have done anything to help anyone, but I plan to continue posting. Maybe someone will relate and find help in my comments, if not I'm sure I'll continue to find help in theirs. I've already found help in your comments so keep it up. It's important for us all to know that we are not the only ones who experience this behaviour. Thanks again.
JustJim
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Post by The Stars on Apr 14, 2007 23:58:46 GMT -5
hi 24 (easier to type than wanttochange....hmm...so why did i just type it?)
all the best for your 30day goal, and beyond. I'm just starting out too - i'm 1week and 6days behind you, but this time is for real.
Just think of all those hours in the future that you'll have a up your sleeve to really live life.
keep us updated,
cheers,
T_S
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Post by daveb on Apr 15, 2007 0:16:09 GMT -5
Hi wanttochange024,
You really inspire me. After viewing all this porn and masturbating to it makes me high in a way I do not want to be. They say the same stimulus is a cocaine addiction. Wow. I am two weeks behind you. -daveb
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 15, 2007 12:00:16 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. I will keep posting and try to share what works for me.
This weekend has been hard because I've been alone at home. My SO is working this weekend out of town. I've been good though. I've been on this site three times, I've been reading my books, playing the piano and guitar.
I almost slipped yesterday after seeing a very sexy woman. But I redirected my thoughts to my SO and how much I love her and how my PA has hurt her. As I went to bed I had a fantasy about my SO, enjoyed the moment, prayed and fell asleep.
Today I'll be reading my books and playing more guitar and working around the house. My SO will be home later today. I'm looking forward to seeing her, hugging her, and talking to her. She has been very supportive of me the last two weeks. Wow, I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
Thank God for her, this site and everyone that comes here to post.
You never know who you might inspire with your story of dealing with PA. I still have a PA, I may never get rid of my PA. But I will work to change my behavior, I will learn new behaviors. I will fight one day at a time to overcome my PA.
Thanks for reading and for your thoughts. God bless, wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 16, 2007 21:41:39 GMT -5
Today was a good day! I kept myself very busy today, I didn't give myself time to think about P. A few times today my mind started to wonder to thoughts of P. But I redirected my thoughts to something more uplifting. I must continue to realize when these thoughts are coming on and STOP them before they have a chance to lead me to P.
I will redirect my negative thoughts to more postive things. I will think good thoughts! I will relearn new behaviors to replace the old behaviors of PA. I will overcome!
wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 18, 2007 20:59:34 GMT -5
Another couple of good days, stayed very busy without much time to think about P. This helps alot. I will try to stay busy. I continue to have thoughts that try to slip in and have be good at stoping them, Will try to continue to think good thoughts. Looking forward to my one month goal. As for now I will work on today.
wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 19, 2007 20:02:04 GMT -5
Today was a good day, I've had several good days this week. I've been staying very busy and it seems to help. I've talked about my young age and porn and now I want to move into some different areas of my PA. I read about parents having an affect on ones PA. Disengaged or maybe controlling parents. My parents were not disengaged or controlling. I feel I was lucky to have my parents, they worked hard and gave up things so that I could have more. That's what parents do, right. However, it was my dads penthouse mags. that helped get me started in viewing porn. Does this make him disengaged or did he have a PA? I don't know. My dad work long late hours to support his family and I don't think that I can lay my PA on him. It's my problem, I'm the one that continued to use this type of behavior. I'm the one that will change this type of behvior. So, maybe my dad's style of parenting contributed to my involvement with viewing porn. Later in my life, feelings of loneliness turned me to viewing porn. I used to view P because I was lonely. Then I began to stay away from people to view porn. Isn't that crazy, view P because your lonely and then continue to be alone so that you can view P. This (expletive) (P) is strong, it's a wonder that anyone that views P can break away from its grip. Now I try to keep my self involved with lots of people. Talk to new people, visit friend, try to make new friends. This support board is great to talk to lots of new people that just so happen to have the same problem as me. Viewing porn gave me the feeling of being high. I like the feeling of being high. I use to smoke pot and did so for many years. I also tried several other drugs. Veiwing porn gave me the feeling that some of the drugs that I use to use gave me. However, after viewing P I feel down, I feel like I'm not a good person. I feel like I should be able to control this behavior. Now I am learning to change this behavior. I don't know if I have it under control yet. But I am changing my old behaviors of viewing porn, today is my 19th day free of porn and it feels great to have some control over this behavior. I will not let porn control my life anymore. I will make it to my goal of 30 days, one month, 100 days, one year and beyond!!! wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 19, 2007 20:06:04 GMT -5
sorry about the S word, it came out without thinking. I'll try to do better.
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 21, 2007 11:45:49 GMT -5
This week has been a good week! I've had some thoughts of P but have managed to keep them from leading to the big slip of viewing. Most of the time I've been able to redirect my thoughts to something more positive. It's hard, but I must stay on top of my thoughts to stay in control of these old behavior.
I'm slowly learning new behaviors. I will become a stronger person. I will overcome my past behaviors. Today is the 21st day to be free of viewing P. I'm beginning to feel better about who I am.
wanttochange024
It feels good to be living with out P.
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Lanfear
Full Member
Good will always conquer evil.
Posts: 139
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Post by Lanfear on Apr 21, 2007 12:08:16 GMT -5
Just read all your posts. Great work. Sounds awesome to have some as supportive as your SO. Thats what kills me. Is knowing s that care about me so much as people, and everytime i go online i'm degrading them. It's primal nature almost. It sickens me. Congratulations on the good work. It's a great help reading success in the making.
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 22, 2007 14:21:19 GMT -5
I think that viewing porn all these years has had an impact on alot of my relationships with women. I believe that I viewed women as sex objects, not people. Almost as if they were put here for my viewing enjoyment. For many years I felt that I couldn't approach a woman for what she might think about me If she knew about my PA. In sexual relationships with women I think my PA caused me to feel like I had something to prove sexual. Like powerdriving strokes when having sex. I didn't enjoy the moment of being close to another, just enjoyed the sex for me. Spiritually, my PA drove me away from God. Again, I felt a struggle with my relatonship with God, as if God couldn't love me. Today, however, I know God loves me, God knew and loved me before I came into this world. God has given me strenght and I thank God for everyday that I go without viewing porn. Thank you God, I'm so greatful. I have the power to find the solutions of my problems within me. I can gain new knowledge, skills and behaviors. I will use my values to help myself change. I will keep up with my progress over time. I will stay away from viewing porn. I will set goals along the way (2weeksX, 30 days or 1 month almost, another month, 100 days, another 100 days, another 100 days, a year.....) I will continue to come to this support board to talk with the good people here. I will see my self being successful. I will have a plan of what to do when I temped to slip. I will pray and thank God for who I am. Today is a great day, I will enjoy being free of porn today. wanttochange024
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 24, 2007 17:06:31 GMT -5
I had a couple of good days, some thoughts of P but I didn't let it get to me. I've had some realistic dreams last night, hope it's just my mind dealing without viewing P. Overall, things are going well. I feel good, and I'm staying busy.
The weather is getting warmer and I can't help but think about women wearing less. I hope that this doesn't get me in trouble. I do not want to slip! I will continue to work on my new behaviors! I will remember my plan if tempted. I will reach my goal!
Today is a great day to be P free.
wanttochange024
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Post by tennessean on Apr 25, 2007 21:29:47 GMT -5
Hey my fellow Tennessee friend. Good going resisting it man, keep it up. I have just had both of those experiences myself! Last night I had some realistic P dreams. Felt wierd waking up...could have even stressed me out a bit this morning I think. The weather is going to be tough because of the women wearing less and also the shear oppression of our humidity makes me pretty restless. That is big trouble...when I can't sleep due to the heat in my apartment it is always tempting to get online. I will keep watchful for this particular problem. Good luck!!
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Post by wanttochange024 on Apr 26, 2007 18:36:33 GMT -5
Thanks tennessean, I feel your pain and know where you are coming from.
Have had a couple of good days. And am feeling good. Today, I got a laugh from something that most of the time has been a trigger. This is a good thing, I must continue to relearn and redirect my old way of thinking. That's all for now, I will try to get back online this weekend.
wanttochange024
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