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Post by useless servant on May 15, 2007 16:48:48 GMT -5
Hey, pac2544! Thank you for visiting my journal and leaving a comment.
Hang in there, I know where you are! What you need is a touch from above.
You said we should feel revulsion before looking at porn. It does not go that way, not this simple. Holy hatred towards sin is something we will have to beg for on our knees.
Don't try to fight porn directly, you'll end up torn with guilt for unsuccessfully trying again and again, each time weaker. Fill your time with purpose outside of porn. That's a bit of advice if I can say one.
If I had the magic spell for breaking out of porn, I would free whole world. But you will have to wait patiently on the Lord to deliver you. Try all sorts of activities. Overwork yourself and don't let yourself to have much free time. Empty mind is a Devil's workshop, so fill it.
But writing it down, none of this seems strong enough or not tried before, so I think this time Lord himself delivered me.
He can do the same for you, no doubt. It is important that you be aware that you are beloved child of God and God doesn't feel revulsion towards you, He just can't have fellowship with us while we do sin, but we are still His beloved children.
Devil is making you feel revulsion towards self, not God, and not Jesus who died for you. When you fall, He is around to pick you up and wash your face and knees.
Praise God!
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Post by pac2544 on May 16, 2007 16:16:11 GMT -5
Ok today. I fe;t tempted but I didn't give in. i am going to fLORIDA TOMORROW TO HELP MY 93 YEAR OLD Grandpa get back to New York. It looks like he won't be with us much longer as he is very weak.
I really like going away. I feel so much stronger when I am with my family down there.
I slipped two days ago. I was drunk and wasn't strong. But I soldier on.
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Post by useless servant on May 16, 2007 23:42:42 GMT -5
Nevermind the slip. Keep on trying. Imagine you run the marathon. You can slip and fall but you don't lose the race. You lose if you quit.
Marv
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Post by pac2544 on May 23, 2007 19:52:35 GMT -5
I am still doing poorly. I returned from Florida on Sunday. I was strong the whole time I was gone. No internet so I wasn't tempted. Plus I was around family all the time. By MOnday after work I was looking at porn again and masturbating. It's Wednesday and I am on day three of a binge. Man, will I ever have self control. And what a waste of time. I still come here though, after the slip.
I have to be stronger with this.I don't think I can tell anyone else about this though. I have found there are few people who can understand what this does to you. Most guys prefer a woman. For some reasn I prefer my hand lol! At least i can laugh about it.
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Post by pac2544 on May 26, 2007 10:23:53 GMT -5
My last weak moment came on Wednesday, the 24th. I felt lonely and let myself give into the temptation. So its been two days since I mbed. I hate to say I am doing well because that gives me a false sense of control, which inevitably leads to a slip and then a binge. I have been reading posts about how lusting leads to slipping. I need to stop lusting. I have this unrealistic idea of what sex is and my fanatasies get the better of me. So I have been working at keeping them in check. When I go out in public I try to look at only a womans face and not only her body. I have had limited success with this, but I am human and I find women attractive. Its just that I want to have only one woman for me and not all these pixelated ones from the computer screen. I am going to take a trip to the Philippines in June. I know there will be some temptation there but if I can get away from my computer I won't have nearly the temptation that I get when I am on the internet. So , it will be good to get away. I haven't been out of the states in over 10 years. There is a woman I have met on the internet there that i am going to meet. I have been corresponding with her for over a year. I haven't told her about my PA. I don't think it fair to her that I have this problem and she has no idea about it. But if I can't get over my addiction I will forever be lonely and miserable. In the past few months of coming to this board I have learned that I am addicted to porn. I use mb to relieve stress and, i thinking back on my life, I realize that I have been using mb for this reason for most of my life. Probably since I was four or five. So it is an ingrained habit. One that I can control for some period of time, but also, something that gets the better of me when I am stressed. I find exercise to help with the stress. I am ok today. I will only think about staying sober today. Peace
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Post by pac2544 on Jul 15, 2007 9:46:02 GMT -5
Well I am back from the Philippines. I had a wonderful time and I have strong feelings for the woman I met there. We had a great time. However I was feeling down when I came back to my house that I immediately turned off the porn filter and spent hours looking and mbing. I don't know why I let myself give in. I had been a month without slipping. I felt some temptation to look for porn while I was in the Philippines. I stayed a night in Hong Kong and there was porn on the TV that you could pay per view but i was able to resist looking and I felt good about that. The slip I had yesterday was a temporary one ( I hope). I don't want to get back into that cycle of "woe is me, my life sucks so I might as well go look at porn". It's bad enough that I wasted those three or four hours of my life and they are gone forever. I thank God for this board and the knowledge it has given me in fighting my addiction. I went for a 5 mile walk this morning instead of staying inside on the computer. I feel so much better for the exercise.
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Post by pac2544 on Jul 23, 2007 19:33:25 GMT -5
I have been ok for the past two days. It is like I have this Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde thing going on. For a while I am ok and in control and then, for some reason I lose all control and go on a binge. I am Dr Jeckle for now. Hopefully I will stay that way.
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Post by ferdberfil on Jul 24, 2007 11:17:41 GMT -5
Hey Pac-
Hope you're OK. Just wanted to check in w/ you. I know we don't know each other super-well, but I see you live around my old stomping ground in upstate NY.
-FB
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Post by pac2544 on Jul 26, 2007 16:17:00 GMT -5
Just slipped. damn it
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 3, 2007 17:00:21 GMT -5
Slipped again. And I think I am going to go for professional help. I am not doing so well going on my own. The lonliness and isolation are too great to bear. If i can talk to someone about it maybe I will get better in time
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 9, 2007 20:47:27 GMT -5
I am still committed to recovery. Or else why would I keep coming here LOL. I am ok , but still have the same old rut to trudge through. I keep feeling that one day I will find a way to get out and stay out. I think that the people here who have had much more succcess than i are telling me I need outside help, that I can't do it alone. Well ok, then thats what I'll do. I think I'll try a therapist. I used to think I could conquer any fault i had on my own. I guess i like to try to do things alone. This may be one thing I can't beat alone. We'll hall see. I am going to contact a therapist and see what happens from there.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 11, 2007 11:02:25 GMT -5
I have been thinking on what are my triggers. I have a short list that I have come up with:
1. Too much time on the internet 2. Alcohol (a big one) 3. feeling sorry for myself 4. Boredom 5. Lonliness 6. Frustration 7. Music videos
These are just some things that set me on the path to a slip. They don't always do it, but they have in the past. I thought it might be good to write them down so I see them in black and white for myself. I am really a bit of a loner anyways so I have to be happy with being who I am. I have always been able to amuse myself, however the way I amuse myself sometimes is abusing myself LOL.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 14, 2007 18:02:27 GMT -5
Alcohol is definitely a BIG trigger for me. Last night I had too many beers and came home from the golf course and MB'ed to porn. Then this morning and this evening after work i did so again. There wasn't any alcohol involved in the last two slips so I can't totally put it all on alcohol. However, I am more prone to slip/binge once I let one slip happen so I have to try harder to avoid the first slip after some days of sobriety. I am in a pattern of two days sober follwed by three or four days of mbing to porn. So it seems the addiction still has the upper hand. I still haven't contacted a therapist like I said i would a few days ago. Its easier to procrastinate. My problems are my own doing so I can't blame anyone but me. The only thing keeping me upbeat is the fact that I come to this forum when I feel things getting away. So thank God for it. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 15, 2007 5:20:54 GMT -5
Today is a new day! I am at day one and I hope that I will be able to keep myself sober this time. The drunkeness I feel when I am in porn is no good for me. It keeps me from living a full life. I am relying on God to help me since I can't do this alone. I said i would get help from a therapist and i am going to e-mail one that Fedberfil told me about.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 15, 2007 15:20:13 GMT -5
I had a bit of a desire to go look at porn. Mostly it stems from frustration at my lack of social contacts. But , hey , thats what PA does to you. Also my well pump was running all day so now I have to go mess with that. It shouldn't set me off on a bonge though. I am going to e-mail a therapist and see what he says.
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