PAC2544's JOURNAL aka STILL TRYIN"

[pac2544]

Here I am with my new journal. I am going to try to post every day. I have been clean and sober since 9/18/2006. I previously was clean for the week before that. I have been able to stay clean for only a week and thats about it. Tomorrow mark the seven day point for me. You know, its easy for me to stay clean for a week with no problem. Then something happens and I lose all control. I feel sorry for myself, or I get over confident that i can just peak for a bit and then all hell break loose and i am porning for hours again. I know now that my problem is really in my head. Its an easy escape from the stress of the day, or the loneliness that the addiction brings. It feed on itself and makes life miserable after I have finished.
So I am doing well now. The evil thought pops in my head from time to time but, through the grace of God i have been able to keep it out. Thanks for the board and the help and prayers of every one here.
Heres to another clean day and a clean week to come!
PAC2544

[reconstituting]

I remember it well. Just keep reminding yourself that you don't do P any more. Think about it whenever you have a moment. And avoid all P-related activities (e.g. MB and fantasising).

Just my advice...

Good Luck - You do it if you *really* want to.

[MJ]

Hey PAC2544,

Glad to see you started a journal. I look forward to reading your story as you take this journey to recovery with us.

Peace,
MJ

[pac2544]

Well, I haven't posted every day like I said I would. Intead I slipped and badly. The last time I posted I said I thought I was good for seven days and then I would feel weak. I slipped shortly after I posted that thread. I really have no self control over it yet. I can recognize the events leading up to a slip but I am powerless to stop myself. I don't feel bad and life goes on. I know I can beat this thing , but I am still in the beginning stages of my recovery so I will try to stay positive.
Three things I have learned:
1) I can't control it, rather it controls me
2) I cannot get over confident... that is sure to lead to a slip
3) I am getting better...I realize my weakness

You know, it really is the fact that internet P is so damned easy to access, that and the fact that no one is around to monitor me. I checked into going to an SLAA meeting but it is 100 miles away. Maybe I should go to it any ways. I am seeing a nice girl and I want to tell her about my problem. I am afraid she will be shocked to know my problem. It really would help to find someone to confide in . This board is a great help but its not the same as a real person.
I just finished with a slip not 20 minutes ago. I hope its my last one. I always say it is my last one, but so far it hasn't been
Any how it is the start of a new P free life. Wish me luck

[MJ]

Hey pac,

Sorry to hear that the nearest SLAA meeting is so far away. Another option might be to try out the long-distance program offered by SLAA. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but you might want to check out the website and see what it entails. I agree that telling somebody in person about your addiction might help things. Let us know how you make out.

MJ

[pac2544]

Its been since September 27th that I last posted in my journal. I had a real good spell where I went 27 days without acting out. I went to Florida for a week in October and was fine. I had no access to a computer and was able to keep my urges under control. BUt two days after i returned I started looking at porn again. That was on November 6th. I have looked every day since then except for today, Sunday the 12th

[pac2544]

I am back posting in my journal. I have been on a porn binge these past two weeks. i was good up until three days after I returned from Florida and then i started looking at porn and mb'ing again. So , since November 4th i have been back at it. (expletive). I thought i was going to be able to stop. I know I do it because i am lonely, yet I stay lonely because I do it. I pick my girlfriends by the fact that I can't or won't be having sex with them, so that way they won't discover my addiction. I have to try harder to saty away from porn. the internet makes it so easy. It doesn't even feel good to masturbate any more. So why do I do it? i don't know. It's been woven into who I am. For three weeks I was good. i had it under control. Now i come home, turn on the computer. Just to check my e-mail.... and viola! I have gone to my favorite porn sites before I know it. thw women I know have gotten tired of me. I have even lost an internet GF from the Philippines. NOw that is pathetic. I can't believe what a (expletive) head I am .

There now after that self flagellation I feel better. I think one of my problems is I don't like ME. Well I have to work on that.
I will try to come here tomorrow before I do anything else
PAC

[otto9176]

I know I do it because i am lonely, yet I stay lonely because I do it.

Hi pac2544...I couldnt have said that better. Thats the same cycle I find myself in..its a catch 22...its like going around in a circle. We're lonely so we resort to p & mb but they in turn lead us to more loneliness and so we turn to more p & mb. We got to break out of that cycle and seek ways to not feel so lonely anymore. This site helps...I know I'm never alone here.
Talk to u later.

[pac2544]

Hi. I had a so so weekend. Friday night and most of Saturday I spent looking at porn and masturbating. You know, it doesn't even feel good when i do it. Today, Sunday has been good. I had a long chat with an internet friend and she helped make me feel better about myself. I haven't told her about my problem, nor do i think i ever will, but she has done wonders for my self esteem.
I went to church today and enjoyed myself being around others. I am going to get more involved with the church and be less of a loner. Veing around others helps me to stay connecte with society and stay away from porn or the temptation to look. I am very committed to staying clean this time. I don't know how long I can go on until I feel weak agin but every day sober is a victory

[MJ]

Hey pac2544,

Hang in there. Keep posting on this board. I know that you really want to beat this addiction. Don't get discouraged. You said that it doesn't even feel good when you're looking at p and mb'ing, so that's a good sign. Keep checking in with us.

Peace,
MJ

[pac2544]

I am doing better contolling my urge to look at porn. I remember once when I was younger I went three months without porn or masturbation. Then I had a good life, many friends. I decided to make one girl special and we started to be intimate. She became pregnant right away. That was our fault for not being careful. She had the baby but I was not ready for the resonsibilty. So now I have a son who is 25 and I never got to know him.
I would have to say I have never been good at relationships. I always ran from the difficult situations and use porn to cope. My new coping mechanism is to post my thoughts. That and trying to make new friends and , most importantly, being a good friend. The hard thing is not being able to tell some one why I am so dstant. The addiction I have is hard to admit to other people. I have told a few people but they don't understand it. Like I can't understand how someone could become hooked on heroin or crack. So i am on day 1 again and starting over. i won't get caught up in the number of days i have been porn free. I hope the number becomes very big. i know I will feel good about myself then.
Thanks for your encouragement MJ. Its good to know there are people out there who wish me success. Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

[argus]

Hi pac2544
Sorry to hear how things have been getting the better of you. There's nothing that I can write that you don't already know. I was at work today and I happened to come across a website by this bloke who was really into train sets. He seemed just as nutty as a lot of us here so this whole obsession thing comes in all shapes and sizes.

[pac2544]

Its Friday after Thanksgiving. I have a lot of time at home so I gave in again to P and MB. I don't feel so good and it made me forget for a minute. Oh well, start over again. I need to stay busy. Unfortunately its computer porn that has me in its grip. I have to get angry over the ease at which I give in to the temptation. Maybe then I will be able to stop myself. I feel so helpless

[Disciple]

Hi pac,

I've read a bit of your journal and I can see that you are stuck! I've definitely been there. I like you have run to P when things get uncomfortable for me. I applaud your candidness here. Sometimes it works wonders to get all those dark thoughts in front of you in black and white where you can look at them outside of the noise that is in your head.

That is just my long winded way of saying no matter how you feel keep coming to the board. We all know what you are going through!

Peace,
Disciple

[pac2544]

I am still stuck on day one. Actually minute one. Just finshed doing the same old thing again. But afterwards i come here and tell it to my journal. I need to come here first and then see if it helps me stay away. i almost think i need to stay off the computer for a week and see if it helps. I was going to the gym right after work a month ago and had a good stretch of sobriety. That might be what i will do starting next monday. I hate to not be online, but Internet porn is really what has me in its grip right now.
Thanks for all your support